Anger outburst by work colleague who is autistic

[Sasha20]

Hi
Yesterday a work colleague who I am very fond of despite sometimes challenging behaviour got really angry with me and stormed out of work to return a few minutes later and then go again ( which he never does )
I knew he was in really bad form Yesterday so decided to stay out of his way and only to talk to him if he asked for my assistance . I am the only one in the office he really talks to as I understand that his way is not to be difficult alot of the time but that he can have communication issues in that he is misunderstood and misunderstands .
He has lashed out at me before which can be quite stressful and i have gotten upset but kept it to myself .
He came to me at the end of the day over a very minor issue which escalated . I normally try to keep my cool as I know that can calm him down but keeping calm didnt Yesterday . I felt horrible after the incident as his behaviour was quite rude to me . I dont know how he is today but he hasnt spoken to me . I feel I need to say something to him but I am not sure what to say as I feel maybe that he is a bit ashamed of his behaviour as there were other people in the office . I want to be clear with him about they way he spoke to me isnt appropriate but i dont want to make him feel worse than he already may feel . How should I approach this .
I know him very well and i know he is comfortable with him and can be very nice in his own way but incidents like this have happened before and may again as I know he cant help it to some degree but it does cause me considerable stress too . I dont want to alienate him any further than he already feels .
Any advice how to approach this ?

 

[Tom]

Its pretty common for people to fall into the bad habit of dumping on those they are close with, ASD and NT. If it were me and I wished to salvage the friendship I would approach it very directly and honestly. I would explain what is inappropriate and that although I wished to remain friends I wouldn't be able to put up with that sort of conduct. Then it is up to him to have me as a friend, but with boundries or have me just as another disinterested co-worker.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I disagree. This so called nice person sounds very unpleasant and likely abusive. It does not matter as to motive. An adult needs be able to communicate and be understood. I would ask for help from a supervisor, or what we call human rescources here in the west. I see an escalation of hostility as a pattern. Some one who is for whatever reason reacting as you describe is leaking. The stuff from home is at crisis or work is getting close to freak city. Even if i am nearly insensate from overstimulation or in a lot of pain, lashing out is not what i do. Those ppl are dangerous

 

[Aspychata]

Could you and him agree on a code word that means you are getting out of hand and making me feel uncomfortable. Please walk away and come back when you can talk with an inside voice? Then you may need to say the word a couple of times. It will help him understand that type of behavior is not tolerated and you are helping him see a pattern and helping him to change behavior. If he picks out the word, you will have a better
chance of him being aboard. The word can be perfectly harmless, it's simply a prompt for him to catch himself at that moment. And there may come a time when it is no longer needed.

 

[SDRSpark]

I disagree. This so called nice person sounds very unpleasant and likely abusive. It does not matter as to motive. An adult needs be able to communicate and be understood. I would ask for help from a supervisor, or what we call human rescources here in the west. I see an escalation of hostility as a pattern. Some one who is for whatever reason reacting as you describe is leaking. The stuff from home is at crisis or work is getting close to freak city. Even if i am nearly insensate from overstimulation or in a lot of pain, lashing out is not what i do. Those ppl are dangerous

I'm inclined to agree. Just because he's autistic, and you're autistic, doesn't mean you have to put up with his abusive behavior. You can understand perfectly how/why he behaves the way he does, but since it's having a strong negative effect on your emotional state, you are not obligated to put up with it.

You're allowed to be safe at work. People don't get to make you unsafe (whether physically or mentally/emotionally) just because they have a disability.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi
I feel I need to say something to him but I am not sure what to say as I feel maybe that he is a bit ashamed of his behaviour as there were other people in the office . I want to be clear with him about they way he spoke to me isnt appropriate but i dont want to make him feel worse than he already may feel . How should I approach this .
I know him very well and i know he is comfortable with him and can be very nice in his own way but incidents like this have happened before and may again as I know he cant help it to some degree but it does cause me considerable stress too . I dont want to alienate him any further than he already feels .
Any advice how to approach this ?

He may be in a phase of "autism burnout" and mental exhaustion. The stress builds up, the brain gets into a hyperexcitable state, and it is quite difficult to modulate one's behavior. One might call it "going off the rails". I've been there a few times,...and for an autistic that is quite self-conscious about my behavior and always with my "inner monologue" on,...to be in that state is a bit scary for me. It's like going from 0 to a 100 in a split second,...silly little things,...and "snap", a full-blown outburst. It's quickly followed by a feelings of embarrassment, shame, and sorrow,...as the other person did not deserve that reaction.

Recommendation: Rest, a healthy diet (low carb), antioxidant supplements to decrease brain inflammation (n-acetyl cysteine, SAM-e, CoQ10/ubiquinol), L-theanine supplement (to calm the brain/glutamine-blocker), chelated magnesium (to relax smooth muscle/lower blood pressure), and melatonin (sleep aid).

I think if you can approach this as a concerned, understanding friend,...and not get him into an embarrassing apology mode (he knows what he did and I am sure he feels horrible),...and give him some friendly advice for handling this from a physiological standpoint, he may be more appreciative and responsive to you.

 

[Aneka]

Hi
Yesterday a work colleague who I am very fond of despite sometimes challenging behaviour got really angry with me and stormed out of work to return a few minutes later and then go again ( which he never does )
I knew he was in really bad form Yesterday so decided to stay out of his way and only to talk to him if he asked for my assistance . I am the only one in the office he really talks to as I understand that his way is not to be difficult alot of the time but that he can have communication issues in that he is misunderstood and misunderstands .
He has lashed out at me before which can be quite stressful and i have gotten upset but kept it to myself .
He came to me at the end of the day over a very minor issue which escalated . I normally try to keep my cool as I know that can calm him down but keeping calm didnt Yesterday . I felt horrible after the incident as his behaviour was quite rude to me . I dont know how he is today but he hasnt spoken to me . I feel I need to say something to him but I am not sure what to say as I feel maybe that he is a bit ashamed of his behaviour as there were other people in the office . I want to be clear with him about they way he spoke to me isnt appropriate but i dont want to make him feel worse than he already may feel . How should I approach this .
I know him very well and i know he is comfortable with him and can be very nice in his own way but incidents like this have happened before and may again as I know he cant help it to some degree but it does cause me considerable stress too . I dont want to alienate him any further than he already feels .
Any advice how to approach this ?

You don't have to justify yourself, you did nothing wrong. He did. The best course of action would be to talk it through. You need to draw a line or he will continue to disrespect you. I know this is hard, but I'm talking about experience here.

 

[Sasha20]

The whole thing turned out a bit of a disaster . I had written out what I was going to say and when I started off after two three sentences I started crying , he apologied and said that was not his intention at all . I explained that I knew that wasn’t mayb in the Future when he feels like that I will tell him we will resume the conversation another day . I said that nearly all our encounters are positive and my willingness to help him in the future has not changed . later on that day he told me he was planning on leaving the job . I feel very confused ....?

 

[Tom]

If he leaves he leaves. It may be a ploy to try and make you feel guilty and plead with him not to leave etc,

 

[Aneka]

The whole thing turned out a bit of a disaster . I had written out what I was going to say and when I started off after two three sentences I started crying , he apologied and said that was not his intention at all . I explained that I knew that wasn’t mayb in the Future when he feels like that I will tell him we will resume the conversation another day . I said that nearly all our encounters are positive and my willingness to help him in the future has not changed . later on that day he told me he was planning on leaving the job . I feel very confused ....?

I wouldn't worry so much about this. Maybe he was planning to leave anyways. The reason doesn't matter at all.

I think you're like me there, I can't handle people with mood swings either. The ones who are friendly one moment and throw a temper tantrum at you the next just because you happen to be there. My apprenticeship turned into a desaster because of this (I posted two threads about this I believe)

 

[SDRSpark]

I strongly suspect his planning to leave the job has nothing at all to do with you. Whatever his reasoning is probably the same thing that had him so stressed out he snapped at you.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi
Yesterday a work colleague who I am very fond of despite sometimes challenging behaviour got really angry with me and stormed out of work to return a few minutes later and then go again ( which he never does )
I knew he was in really bad form Yesterday so decided to stay out of his way and only to talk to him if he asked for my assistance . I am the only one in the office he really talks to as I understand that his way is not to be difficult alot of the time but that he can have communication issues in that he is misunderstood and misunderstands .
He has lashed out at me before which can be quite stressful and i have gotten upset but kept it to myself .
He came to me at the end of the day over a very minor issue which escalated . I normally try to keep my cool as I know that can calm him down but keeping calm didnt Yesterday . I felt horrible after the incident as his behaviour was quite rude to me . I dont know how he is today but he hasnt spoken to me . I feel I need to say something to him but I am not sure what to say as I feel maybe that he is a bit ashamed of his behaviour as there were other people in the office . I want to be clear with him about they way he spoke to me isnt appropriate but i dont want to make him feel worse than he already may feel . How should I approach this .
I know him very well and i know he is comfortable with him and can be very nice in his own way but incidents like this have happened before and may again as I know he cant help it to some degree but it does cause me considerable stress too . I dont want to alienate him any further than he already feels .
Any advice how to approach this ?

could you write out the entire conversation so I can hear both sides ?