Anger with Aspergers?

[BradT]

Has anyone ever experienced anger associated with this disorder? I mean someone could say something "offensive" and I take it wrong and I explode in anger at them when they didn't mean to be offensive to me or hurt my feelings. Sometimes I take things the wrong way.

 

[Judge]

I suppose in my own case that would depend on the nature of whatever was said that would trigger such a thing. I mean, a minor misunderstanding of much of anything wouldn't likely rise to a level of losing my temper. Though a major misunderstanding...well, on occasion anything is possible!

I'm more inclined to experience some degree of anger when someone projects sarcasm directly at me, where I simply cannot process it properly. It causes me to stop and completely focus on it, where it's like my mind goes into a sort of loop. The only way I come out of it is eventually surmising that I've been insulted, where a level of anger can be manifested. Where whatever conversation is in play usually begins to go "downhill".

Though even before I became aware of being on the spectrum I learned to control this situation by doing one thing. Simply by not reacting in any way about what was said. Which oddly enough seems to place the awkwardness somewhat back on the person directing the sarcasm who is waiting for some kind of response which never comes. Also on rare occasions I'll simply ask if they are being sarcastic depending on the nature of what is said.

I suppose I should add that I haven't had a perceivable meltdown in decades.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, I get into terrible rages and it can be for the tinnest reason, although I do have a default that stops me from physically hurting a person and also, it would take something extreme, for some one to see a full blown rage from me.

My husband is an NT and often takes things the wrong way and does get into rages, but it is strange, because they are not meltdowns; whereas mine are clearly meltdowns.

I do not think I take things the wrong way, even though I am often told I do, but that is when someone is trying to make out that it is all in my head.

 

[Keigan]

I would say that there is certainly a feeling of persicution in most aspies, that easily leads to taking the intentions of others in the wrong way.

 

[clg114]

I have anger issues with myself. I am very, very clumsy and sometimes it makes me very mad. If I am tired or a little stressed, it just drives me crazy (crazier?). I have always been clumsy, but it did not bother me as bad when I was younger. I am always dropping things, stumbling or running into things. I guess it must be part of getting old.

 

[Gracey]

I can feel really frustrated in situations, depending on how I deal with said situations will determine what happens next ie, If I can find a coping mechanism or some other outlet for the frustration then I'm okay. I'm still moving forward.
If I can't deal with the situation I do feel that frustration build into something more.

If I had to choose one thing that will trigger my anger, pretty much immediately, it's anger itself. Directed at me or someone I feel responsible for.
I know the theory that in everyone's best interest the situation needs to be diffused and quickly but building the neural network between theory and practice is something I haven't mastered yet.

 

[isthisreallife]

I'm getting better at breathing instead of reacting, but sometimes I slip. I'm usually tired, frustrated or experiencing some kind of discomfort when my anger flares.

 

[Tyrantus1212]

Has anyone ever experienced anger associated with this disorder? I mean someone could say something "offensive" and I take it wrong and I explode in anger at them when they didn't mean to be offensive to me or hurt my feelings. Sometimes I take things the wrong way.

All the time. And I'm not proud of it. I constantly take things the wrong way. It happens when I'm in a bad (or even neutral) mood, but that's pretty frequent on its own unfortunately. Someone might do something like speak in a slightly frustrated tone or simply tell me that I'm being too loud...and for some unknown reason, I just explode in anger - taking it as them judging me, criticizing me, looking for excuses to just be mad at me - and I do have the capability of making people mad, so I end up being paranoid that I make people mad all the time. Later on it turns out that I overreacted very badly and I end up feeling extremely bad about it, so I end up apologizing; but in many cases they're really hurt and not ready to forgive me yet. That leads me to another tirade of anger - this time directed at myself; and THAT in turn makes them even more mad at ME. It's a never ending cycle of madness (literally) and I'm simply forced to break it by going to my room not talking to anybody. I often think it's best that I don't talk to anybody period, I feel like each time I come to the living room at home I start some kind of argument or fight with my mom and dad.

It's hard to predict when this will happen and I really don't like pushing people away all the freaking time. I feel like I'm on my way to hell for doing this all the time to my parents. It's been 30 years and I yet have to be a good son to them. How they still love me is beyond belief sometimes. Half of these anger episodes really are directed at myself, because let's face it - I'm not very fond of myself. The most extreme ones are the meltdowns, and those are mostly self-directed. I'm tired of being angry and unhappy all the time. I'm tired of hurting the people I love all the time. To this day I still cannot deal with the anger. Like for example, my father simply told me to not be loud past midnight because that'd wake up the neighbors; I may not have raised my voice or yelled, but I got angry and called him a buzzkill. It triggered the process I described in the first paragraph. It (not it...I) just ruined everyone's night. How could I have prevented myself from calling him a buzzkill? It seems easier than counting to 3 on paper. What made me do that instead of just agreeing and hoping not to forget? Since that moment I've been heeding that tip like a normal man, and haven't called my one and only father a buzzkill. Like, why?? My doc told me to respond to these things as "an observation, not an accusation". I should have observed this as an intent NOT to be a "buzzkill" but an intent of stopping me from waking up the neighbors. Let's face it, I yell out random things all the time and I'm up at night (and that same night, so was Dad lol).

If NOT reacting like a jerk is so easy, why am I having so much trouble doing it? Deep down inside I'm not a bad guy and I very much frown at every single jerk I've come across. I brought up this issue in a different post and someone suggested that I should appreciate my parents more and to think of what it would be like if they were gone. I should have been doing that. They gave me life and shelter and this is how I repay them. I'm an awful son and they don't deserve me. Is there anyone else here who's able to prevent the anger before it starts???? It's been doing horrible things to me and especially the people I care about. I just don't know when it'll strike again. I need to keep the monster at bay once and for all. Do you guys think that if I had much better self-esteem then I wouldn't be doing this??

 

[BradT]

Later this year, I'm going to try to do a mini youtube series of myself explaining who I am and giving advice to people who have aspergers and how to cope with it. I'm not hoping to get discovered, I just want to do something good to help people like myself.

 

[BradT]

All the time. And I'm not proud of it. I constantly take things the wrong way. It happens when I'm in a bad (or even neutral) mood, but that's pretty frequent on its own unfortunately. Someone might do something like speak in a slightly frustrated tone or simply tell me that I'm being too loud...and for some unknown reason, I just explode in anger - taking it as them judging me, criticizing me, looking for excuses to just be mad at me - and I do have the capability of making people mad, so I end up being paranoid that I make people mad all the time. Later on it turns out that I overreacted very badly and I end up feeling extremely bad about it, so I end up apologizing; but in many cases they're really hurt and not ready to forgive me yet. That leads me to another tirade of anger - this time directed at myself; and THAT in turn makes them even more mad at ME. It's a never ending cycle of madness (literally) and I'm simply forced to break it by going to my room not talking to anybody. I often think it's best that I don't talk to anybody period, I feel like each time I come to the living room at home I start some kind of argument or fight with my mom and dad.

It's hard to predict when this will happen and I really don't like pushing people away all the freaking time. I feel like I'm on my way to hell for doing this all the time to my parents. It's been 30 years and I yet have to be a good son to them. How they still love me is beyond belief sometimes. Half of these anger episodes really are directed at myself, because let's face it - I'm not very fond of myself. The most extreme ones are the meltdowns, and those are mostly self-directed. I'm tired of being angry and unhappy all the time. I'm tired of hurting the people I love all the time. To this day I still cannot deal with the anger. Like for example, my father simply told me to not be loud past midnight because that'd wake up the neighbors; I may not have raised my voice or yelled, but I got angry and called him a buzzkill. It triggered the process I described in the first paragraph. It (not it...I) just ruined everyone's night. How could I have prevented myself from calling him a buzzkill? It seems easier than counting to 3 on paper. What made me do that instead of just agreeing and hoping not to forget? Since that moment I've been heeding that tip like a normal man, and haven't called my one and only father a buzzkill. Like, why?? My doc told me to respond to these things as "an observation, not an accusation". I should have observed this as an intent NOT to be a "buzzkill" but an intent of stopping me from waking up the neighbors. Let's face it, I yell out random things all the time and I'm up at night (and that same night, so was Dad lol).

If NOT reacting like a jerk is so easy, why am I having so much trouble doing it? Deep down inside I'm not a bad guy and I very much frown at every single jerk I've come across. I brought up this issue in a different post and someone suggested that I should appreciate my parents more and to think of what it would be like if they were gone. I should have been doing that. They gave me life and shelter and this is how I repay them. I'm an awful son and they don't deserve me. Is there anyone else here who's able to prevent the anger before it starts???? It's been doing horrible things to me and especially the people I care about. I just don't know when it'll strike again. I need to keep the monster at bay once and for all. Do you guys think that if I had much better self-esteem then I wouldn't be doing this??

No, it's a normal reaction if you have been bullied in the past or just part of the symptoms of aspergers. For example, for me I was at a restaurant eating lunch and this girl was my server, she went to the same middle school as me, but she bullied me. I don't know if she recognized me or not, but I ended up not tipping her!! I don't like two faced people. I can be just as much as bully as her and I retaliate when people do me wrong.

 

[SusanLR]

No, it's a normal reaction if you have been bullied in the past or just part of the symptoms of aspergers. For example, for me I was at a restaurant eating lunch and this girl was my server, she went to the same middle school as me, but she bullied me. I don't know if she recognized me or not, but I ended up not tipping her!! I don't like two faced people. I can be just as much as bully as her and I retaliate when people do me wrong.

I am the same way.
I never forget when someone bullied me or insulted me with accusations that aren't true. That is the main thing that I cannot tolerate. I too retaliate when someone does me wrong that is unwarrented. If I did something that was deserving of their comments, I'll be the first to admit it and say sorry. But, if it is just out of the blue untrue, I never forget. If I ask where the remarks are coming from or tell them it simply isn't true and they won't answer, that's pretty much it.
I don't have a self esteem problem, and I don't get mad at myself for standing my ground.

 

[Plant13]

All the time. And I'm not proud of it. I constantly take things the wrong way. It happens when I'm in a bad (or even neutral) mood, but that's pretty frequent on its own unfortunately. Someone might do something like speak in a slightly frustrated tone or simply tell me that I'm being too loud...and for some unknown reason, I just explode in anger - taking it as them judging me, criticizing me, looking for excuses to just be mad at me - and I do have the capability of making people mad, so I end up being paranoid that I make people mad all the time. Later on it turns out that I overreacted very badly and I end up feeling extremely bad about it, so I end up apologizing; but in many cases they're really hurt and not ready to forgive me yet. That leads me to another tirade of anger - this time directed at myself; and THAT in turn makes them even more mad at ME. It's a never ending cycle of madness (literally) and I'm simply forced to break it by going to my room not talking to anybody. I often think it's best that I don't talk to anybody period, I feel like each time I come to the living room at home I start some kind of argument or fight with my mom and dad.

It's hard to predict when this will happen and I really don't like pushing people away all the freaking time. I feel like I'm on my way to hell for doing this all the time to my parents. It's been 30 years and I yet have to be a good son to them. How they still love me is beyond belief sometimes. Half of these anger episodes really are directed at myself, because let's face it - I'm not very fond of myself. The most extreme ones are the meltdowns, and those are mostly self-directed. I'm tired of being angry and unhappy all the time. I'm tired of hurting the people I love all the time. To this day I still cannot deal with the anger. Like for example, my father simply told me to not be loud past midnight because that'd wake up the neighbors; I may not have raised my voice or yelled, but I got angry and called him a buzzkill. It triggered the process I described in the first paragraph. It (not it...I) just ruined everyone's night. How could I have prevented myself from calling him a buzzkill? It seems easier than counting to 3 on paper. What made me do that instead of just agreeing and hoping not to forget? Since that moment I've been heeding that tip like a normal man, and haven't called my one and only father a buzzkill. Like, why?? My doc told me to respond to these things as "an observation, not an accusation". I should have observed this as an intent NOT to be a "buzzkill" but an intent of stopping me from waking up the neighbors. Let's face it, I yell out random things all the time and I'm up at night (and that same night, so was Dad lol).

If NOT reacting like a jerk is so easy, why am I having so much trouble doing it? Deep down inside I'm not a bad guy and I very much frown at every single jerk I've come across. I brought up this issue in a different post and someone suggested that I should appreciate my parents more and to think of what it would be like if they were gone. I should have been doing that. They gave me life and shelter and this is how I repay them. I'm an awful son and they don't deserve me. Is there anyone else here who's able to prevent the anger before it starts???? It's been doing horrible things to me and especially the people I care about. I just don't know when it'll strike again. I need to keep the monster at bay once and for all. Do you guys think that if I had much better self-esteem then I wouldn't be doing this??

All the time! I mirror behavior and emotion, so if for instance I think the lady behind me at the grocery store is impatient with the size of my order I get impatient to be finished for her. If she gets angry, I feel angry. Since I don't read faces very well for clues, this can be very messy. Staying home is easier, some days.

 

[Bella Pines]

Yep.

I can get angry with people who aren't... actually there. As in, I hold arguments in my head, get offended and get angry in anticipation of what they will say. And I get proper furious, tears, fight reflex.

When I finally see them face to face (usually a boss or a co-worker), they never actually say the things I imagine that they will say and I never end up having the imagined conversations with them.

I put it down to my fantastic imagination! I have learned to not act on my anger and just put it to use in the gym instead...

 

[Plant13]

Yep.

I can get angry with people who aren't... actually there. As in, I hold arguments in my head, get offended and get angry in anticipation of what they will say. And I get proper furious, tears, fight reflex.

When I finally see them face to face (usually a boss or a co-worker), they never actually say the things I imagine that they will say and I never end up having the imagined conversations with them.

I put it down to my fantastic imagination! I have learned to not act on my anger and just put it to use in the gym instead...

!!! I do that but with people who've already offended me. I took it out on the gym but as with everything else, I over did it and nobody liked me at 95 pounds of muscle except me. Try shopping for a 5' woman 95 pounds age appropriate in business. Too tall for Short Person clothing ( too tall! lol), before anyone offers that suggestion. Back on topic, I use anger as a shield, always have. My Uncle told me to stop wasting my energy, he's a PHD and they know everything! but I spent it fending off pain, instead, so back to the shield. AS another note if I eliminate people from my life they don't live in my head any more. Its just more simple that way, right now, for me.

 

[Bella Pines]

Snap, and for those who have already offended me, I come up with some great come back lines, witty and funny. Shame I never come up with them 'at the time'. Shame I never get to actually use them!

 

[WereBear]

Though even before I became aware of being on the spectrum I learned to control this situation by doing one thing. Simply by not reacting in any way about what was said.

This is difficult but soooooo valuable. For example, I just successfully handled a tricky work situation by using this tactic.

I recently had my job changed and this means I now work out of the home office. Which was designed beautifully for 12 and now has three times that number. So my main boss asked if I would mind sitting between K and G and I said that would be fine. I am still sitting at an actual desk with access to shelves and drawers and other things a person needs to do work.

But there is someone (who outranks me) who always wants things to be their idea. Even if, as usually happens, it's not a good idea. This idiot wanted me to sit at this shelf with with no shelves and drawers, no outlets for electricity and internet, and with my chair sticking out into the hallway.

The next morning, yesterday, I came to work and saw a chair had been put at the shelf. So I wheeled it to the space between K and G, who were totally agreeable to me joining them, and had it all set up by the time Idiot wandered by... and saw they had been outplayed. So all they said was, "So you are getting comfortable here?" and I agreed that I was.

Idiot would have to make a fuss about me not listening to them, and that would make them look less powerful, and all they want (because the smooth running of the work is very low on their priority list) is to look powerful.

So I am sitting in a sensible place, and they are even less likely to mess with me. Because I refuse to be messed with. (Thank goodness this person, while outranking me, is not in my chain of command.)

Some people are pointless to engage with. And I try not to engage with them.

 

[Plant13]

Snap, and for those who have already offended me, I come up with some great come back lines, witty and funny. Shame I never come up with them 'at the time'. Shame I never get to actually use them!

I am SO FUNNY after the fact. I call it sitcom banter. I'm very good at it after the fact. : ). a side note I believe sitcom banter has reduced the interaction between people to a short and unpleasant war of the minds. Thank you, Archie Bunker. Fine when I was bartending and could write it on napkins. Not so much for daily life.

 

[Plant13]

This is difficult but soooooo valuable. For example, I just successfully handled a tricky work situation by using this tactic.

I recently had my job changed and this means I now work out of the home office. Which was designed beautifully for 12 and now has three times that number. So my main boss asked if I would mind sitting between K and G and I said that would be fine. I am still sitting at an actual desk with access to shelves and drawers and other things a person needs to do work.

But there is someone (who outranks me) who always wants things to be their idea. Even if, as usually happens, it's not a good idea. This idiot wanted me to sit at this shelf with with no shelves and drawers, no outlets for electricity and internet, and with my chair sticking out into the hallway.

The next morning, yesterday, I came to work and saw a chair had been put at the shelf. So I wheeled it to the space between K and G, who were totally agreeable to me joining them, and had it all set up by the time Idiot wandered by... and saw they had been outplayed. So all they said was, "So you are getting comfortable here?" and I agreed that I was.

Idiot would have to make a fuss about me not listening to them, and that would make them look less powerful, and all they want (because the smooth running of the work is very low on their priority list) is to look powerful.

So I am sitting in a sensible place, and they are even less likely to mess with me. Because I refuse to be messed with. (Thank goodness this person, while outranking me, is not in my chain of command.)

Some people are pointless to engage with. And I try not to engage with them.

outmaneuvered. well played.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I am SO FUNNY after the fact. I call it sitcom banter. I'm very good at it after the fact. : ). a side note I believe sitcom banter has reduced the interaction between people to a short and unpleasant war of the minds. Thank you, Archie Bunker. Fine when I was bartending and could write it on napkins. Not so much for daily life.

E'sprit d'escalier is the french term.

Staircase wit. The idea that by the time you think of a brilliant thing to say you're on the staircase on the way out the door.

So thats a phrase i used to use too much.
The other was 'la meme chôse' when i was at the bar. Same again.
Didnt work that well as i was hardly ever in france.

 

[Plant13]

E'sprit d'escalier is the french term.

Staircase wit. The idea that by the time you think of a brilliant thing to say you're on the staircase on the way out the door.

So thats a phrase i used to use too much.
The other was 'la meme chôse' when i was at the bar. Same again.
Didnt work that well as i was hardly ever in france.

people really hate it when I toss French or Yiddish into a sentence, its obnoxious, I know they don't understand it. My brother put a French phrase on my father's stone. In a Jewish cemetery. We're obnoxious. I think you're funny.