Another family thread - things others don't see

[Pats]

When I say things others don't see, I mean it as others outside the family, and sometimes other family members might not see things that went on. If I tell them they don't believe me or shrug it off. I'm not sure which it is. Or they just think I'm making it up.

I guess I'm thinking of my dad because soon I should be getting a final check from my dad's property. Not a big check, but the thing is, my lawyer sister hates that I get anything from his estate. As she said to me once, I didn't even like my dad. I said, "so, I was included in his will and it's still mine, nonetheless." And now that I've orphaned myself from them, they hate it even more. I don't usually have this kind of attitude, but I do when it comes to my dad. He was more than just mean. The thing I dislike most concerns my mom and I'm the only one in the family that saw it - as I was the only one present.

My dad's family was super religious and all believed if you got divorced you were going to hell. So my dad was stuck with his wife and kids and hated us for it. The only way he could get away from my mom and still look good was if she died or was sent to a mental hospital. I went over to there house one day and he was sitting in his chair so I asked where my mom was. His exact words, I will never forget, were, "She's in there (bathroom), guess we're going to have to send her to a crazy home". I heard something break in the bathroom so went in there to find she had just broken the mirror over the sink. She said every time she looked in it she could see horns growing out of her head. I sat in there for hours talking to her. My dad had told her that she was the devil and no one, including her own parents (who had both died in the recent past) didn't even like her. He said all kids of things to her that were not true but he had convinced her how evil she was. My mom was a very weak person emotionally and he knew it. He never liked me after that day because I convinced her that everything he had said was not true so he wasn't able to have her committed like he had hoped. There were other times he got her so depressed she took a bunch of pills to kill herself. I was constantly having to convince her that she was not what my dad would tell her. She wasn't. I was glad when he finally gave up and divorced her. And it ended up being me and her pretty much, because I was kind of forced to leave my husband about the same time.

Once she was diagnosed with a terminal illness, my dad would pretend to be nice and care in front of everyone else - 'oh isn't he wonderful, all the stuff she put him through and he's doing what he can for her now,' bologna. He'd not go see her but would tell us all if there's anything he can do to let him know. She was missing him and wishing she could have the opportunity to say goodbye to him and let him know she forgave him and still loved him. So I called him and reminded him that he said let him know if he could do anything and that there was something he could do. I asked him to just call her. I will never forget his evil laugh and he asked me why would he do that. I told him not to call her, to please never call her.

So, no I don't like him and once I was grown, never liked him. I hated what he tried to do to my mom and I always felt the reason he'd never come see me was because he knew I knew what he tried to do. My one sister doesn't remember going to school with welts on her legs - she really doesn't remember it. She used to say things to me that he did love us and that he tried to have a relationship with us. I'd tell her he didn't me - that he even said to me when I invited him to come by my house, that as long as I didn't hear anything from him, I'd know he was okay. I guess I feel like they think I'm the bad guy when it comes to my dad. They agree we had a rough childhood, but he tried to make it up to us. He didn't with me. But it's what he tried to do to my mom that I could never move past.

Sorry, just needing to vent about that this morning. He's on my mind and I don't like when he even enters my mind. The day before he died, believe it or not, I forgave him - in my own mind - not to him. But I never wanted him in my life again and the next day he died. I knew I would never miss him and I'm the bad guy because of it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

But I never wanted him in my life again and the next day he died. I knew I would never miss him and I'm the bad guy because of it.

You're not the bad guy.

You're the winner . You hated him as he deserved it and you got paid in the end

Other family member can think what they want.
They're probably too weak to face the reality of their lives - they'll crash at some point.
It's not your job to help them when they do .-remember that.

 

[Pats]

You're not the bad guy.

You're the winner . You hated him as he deserved it and you got paid in the end

Other family member can think what they want.
They're probably too weak to face the reality of their lives - they'll crash at some point.
It's not your job to help them when they do .-remember that.

LOL I did, didn't I? Got paid for in the end. LOL Now THAT IS funny.

 

[BraidedPony]

So many people are in denial about their childhood abuse. I wonder if us on the spectrum tend to see the facts and the truth more than the NTs?
I didn’t realize fully that I was a victim of child abuse until I was in my late 50s, but I didn’t have the benefit of feedback from siblings.
You are a very courageous and honest person. Congrats on the check! Treat yourself to something you want with the money. Like a trip to see moose!

 

[Fino]

I have the same experiences when it comes to family seemingly forgetting or editing memories. It's disturbing. I used to question a lot if I was the one with the faulty memory, but I've stopped that. I don't know if their stupidity is willful or natural.

 

[oregano]

There was nothing at all happy about my childhood, but my mom insists there were some good times when there weren't. She is starting to lose her memory of things that happened in the past. She remembers most of her appointments and such, although she's beginning to forget that too, but she doesn't really remember the past except with a rosy tint.

Even when I was in my 30s my dad would yell at me as if I was a 10 yr old, and I had to take it because I had to live in their backyard due to rent being too high to afford. I lived away from home during college, and my dad was constantly saying that I would return home soon because he missed his whipping boy.

Finally my grandfather gave some land to them for their retirement dream home, problem was that I was living on it (see note about rent) and thus had to move into a cottage in back that they built for me because the only other option was the streets. So my dad got his punching bag back. He died in 2015.

Now my mom's memory and health are going bad and she will sell once I move to Jefferson (currently northern California). I am hoping to move in March or April 2020. So, no more being surrounded by my past, no more having to drive past the high school where I was bullied and laughed at, no more having to drive down the main boulevard/business district of my youth, no more having to drive past the housing tract where I grew up.

 

[Aspychata]

When I say things others don't see, I mean it as others outside the family, and sometimes other family members might not see things that went on. If I tell them they don't believe me or shrug it off. I'm not sure which it is. Or they just think I'm making it up.

I guess I'm thinking of my dad because soon I should be getting a final check from my dad's property. Not a big check, but the thing is, my lawyer sister hates that I get anything from his estate. As she said to me once, I didn't even like my dad. I said, "so, I was included in his will and it's still mine, nonetheless." And now that I've orphaned myself from them, they hate it even more. I don't usually have this kind of attitude, but I do when it comes to my dad. He was more than just mean. The thing I dislike most concerns my mom and I'm the only one in the family that saw it - as I was the only one present.

My dad's family was super religious and all believed if you got divorced you were going to hell. So my dad was stuck with his wife and kids and hated us for it. The only way he could get away from my mom and still look good was if she died or was sent to a mental hospital. I went over to there house one day and he was sitting in his chair so I asked where my mom was. His exact words, I will never forget, were, "She's in there (bathroom), guess we're going to have to send her to a crazy home". I heard something break in the bathroom so went in there to find she had just broken the mirror over the sink. She said every time she looked in it she could see horns growing out of her head. I sat in there for hours talking to her. My dad had told her that she was the devil and no one, including her own parents (who had both died in the recent past) didn't even like her. He said all kids of things to her that were not true but he had convinced her how evil she was. My mom was a very weak person emotionally and he knew it. He never liked me after that day because I convinced her that everything he had said was not true so he wasn't able to have her committed like he had hoped. There were other times he got her so depressed she took a bunch of pills to kill herself. I was constantly having to convince her that she was not what my dad would tell her. She wasn't. I was glad when he finally gave up and divorced her. And it ended up being me and her pretty much, because I was kind of forced to leave my husband about the same time.

Once she was diagnosed with a terminal illness, my dad would pretend to be nice and care in front of everyone else - 'oh isn't he wonderful, all the stuff she put him through and he's doing what he can for her now,' bologna. He'd not go see her but would tell us all if there's anything he can do to let him know. She was missing him and wishing she could have the opportunity to say goodbye to him and let him know she forgave him and still loved him. So I called him and reminded him that he said let him know if he could do anything and that there was something he could do. I asked him to just call her. I will never forget his evil laugh and he asked me why would he do that. I told him not to call her, to please never call her.

So, no I don't like him and once I was grown, never liked him. I hated what he tried to do to my mom and I always felt the reason he'd never come see me was because he knew I knew what he tried to do. My one sister doesn't remember going to school with welts on her legs - she really doesn't remember it. She used to say things to me that he did love us and that he tried to have a relationship with us. I'd tell her he didn't me - that he even said to me when I invited him to come by my house, that as long as I didn't hear anything from him, I'd know he was okay. I guess I feel like they think I'm the bad guy when it comes to my dad. They agree we had a rough childhood, but he tried to make it up to us. He didn't with me. But it's what he tried to do to my mom that I could never move past.

Sorry, just needing to vent about that this morning. He's on my mind and I don't like when he even enters my mind. The day before he died, believe it or not, I forgave him - in my own mind - not to him. But I never wanted him in my life again and the next day he died. I knew I would never miss him and I'm the bad guy because of it.

@Pats Sounds like you lived with me too. My ex same storyline, except my story differs, he was a psychiatrist, and the state l lived in had very liberal laws for commitment. Only my fantastic friend got me through the toughest part of my life, "divorce". Thanks for standing by your mom, my daughter deserted me, but l can understand, l still love her. Again thanks for sharing.

 

[Aspychata]

It's amazing how much we live in our past, yet we try to deny it. l met up with my mom, and the truths hit me hard. I was never a child she wanted, but l am picking up my teddybear and my blankie and my perseverance and saying goodbye.

 

[Kirsty]

I don't usually have this kind of attitude

It’s not an attitude because you’re expressing what’s rightfully yours and it’s terrible how you’ve been treated. They have the attitude, not you.