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Another Meltdown...

Shawn D

Shawn D

Well-Known Member
So, it's become clear that I have a SPD, because I had my second meltdown in front of my husband in 3 years. I used to have them frequently as a teenager, but my mid to late 20's were devoid, for the most part (except when I was in an abusive relationship, but that's a given).
They happen when I'm overwhelmed emotionally, and for some reason, they're coming up again. Tonight, we were watching a movie and my husband tried to ask me a question. I tried to answer him, but couldn't really understand what he was asking me, since the movie was playing, and I couldn't concentrate on the conversation. My husband became irritated, thinking I cared more about the movie than about his question (it pertained loosely to our child). I got snappy, because there was too much going on and I couldn't focus. He finally paused the movie, but it was too late. The minor squabble turned into a full-blown fight. He said I was rude and dismissive and that anything pertaining to our child should take precedence over T.V.. I told him I thought it was rude to talk to someone when they're trying to watch a movie. I also said it was more that I couldn't focus with so much going on and that he should pause the movie if he wants to ask me a question and have my full attention.
He started berating me about how miserable he is and what a b*tch I was being. He said I was being a 5 year old, that children can't focus and that as an adult, I should be able to handle such a basic thing. He wouldn't stop, and that's when I lost it. I started screaming at the top of my lungs for him to get the f out and then I just started shrieking and hitting myself in the head.
Can this happen with Asperger's? Long periods without meltdowns and then a resurgence? How can I make them stop?
 
I don't think meltdowns will ever go, you have to accept them and so does your husband and it is rude to talk while watching a film. That's not being bitchy its as normal people would say common sense.
 
I used to have bad meltdowns until my early 30's - I used to smash stuff frequently :oops: & looking back I'm really embarrassed at some of them, but damn it felt good at the time. Haven't had one for decades which might be attributable to my new mantra - Its only difficult if you still care!

I have experienced couples engage in acrimonious discussions that appeared peripheral to their actual core disagreements - the fundamental issues were never aired but plenty of 'heat' was put into the peripheral issues. Not sure if that is an NT/Aspie thing, but it always appeared that both sides would walk away from the confrontation with a sense of righteous indignation and a bolstered belief that their partner didn't value them without having addressed what was really p***ing them off.

I think that whether NT or Aspie we must be brave enough to discuss the issue that really bothers us.

Is it possible that your husband has been sitting on an issue that's been bothering him for a while & finally thought it was 'urgent' to get it out in the open using another issue with your child as justification for distracting you from the movie that you were watching in order to 'air' it?
 
I think its definately related to the Aspergers, and strongly. Similar things used to happen to me frequently with my wife, before I understood I had ASD and could figure out what to avoid and how to do certain things so it doesn't happen. I can only share the things that characterize my own relationship and all relationships (and the personalities within them) are different to some degree. Hopefully they are close enough to apply

Periods of stability can happen and are good, and generally mean you are not being triggered. But add back in the triggers and yeah the ASD is still there same as before.

The fix is you and your husband communicating everything and getting the needed level of understanding about each other and acting on that knowledge. For instance Aspies can't handle two different interactions well, if at all. A classic for me is being on the phone and someone present trying to talk to me at the same time. Its not a maturity thing. Its closer to giving a computer an unsolveable problem and watching it crash. And Aspie crashes are often explosive. So your husband has to learn to first be aware of the situation and then not activate the stressor. He could like you mentioned ask during a break if you could turn off the show and have a conversation. On your part you can be more aware of whats happening and develop a plan of how to prevent the blowup - but this is something you have to explain to your husband in advance. With me when I know my head gasket is blown, but before the blow up, I tell my wife what happened and we take a long time out (a few hours, or more often a day or so) until I am back on an even keel and we can talk logically and in a relaxed way.

He basically needs to learn what to avoid when interacting with you. Conversely, and at the same time he has to share what his hot buttons or good buttons are and work out with you how you can not trigger him. Often the requirements/needs of both of you will not clash and just need attention, but sometimes they will conflict and then need some sort of compromise figured out. For example when one wants to do more social activites and the other does not.

P.S.
Once we finally sorted this out (and it took a lot of time and effort) it has worked and we stopped arguments from happening and have a closer feeling. It does require a continual being aware of the other, situation, feelings, etc and making little adjustments so is not maintenance free. But its very worth it.
 
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I had a minor meltdown with my b/f yesterday after he blamed me for "not listening" when actually I had listened, I had just misunderstood what was said because I took his words literally. I suppose I was motivated in my response by feelings of unjust criticism about things I have little control over.
 
tachyon said:
I used to have bad meltdowns until my early 30's - I used to smash stuff frequently :oops: & looking back I'm really embarrassed at some of them, but damn it felt good at the time. Haven't had one for decades which might be attributable to my new mantra - Its only difficult if you still care!

I have experienced couples engage in acrimonious discussions that appeared peripheral to their actual core disagreements - the fundamental issues were never aired but plenty of 'heat' was put into the peripheral issues. Not sure if that is an NT/Aspie thing, but it always appeared that both sides would walk away from the confrontation with a sense of righteous indignation and a bolstered belief that their partner didn't value them without having addressed what was really p***ing them off.

I think that whether NT or Aspie we must be brave enough to discuss the issue that really bothers us.

Is it possible that your husband has been sitting on an issue that's been bothering him for a while & finally thought it was 'urgent' to get it out in the open using another issue with your child as justification for distracting you from the movie that you were watching in order to 'air' it?
Click to expand...

As a matter of fact, early this morning, he told me he's been feeling jealous that I've been spending so much time on this forum and that it feels like "me against you", NT vs Aspie. He wishes I'd spend more time talking to him about things.
I've heard him and will try to open up more to him. I did tell him that the forum gives me an outlet and a way to learn more about myself, but I promised to spend less time on here, especially when he's around. I'm an all-or-nothing person, so I forget myself sometimes and it's a constant struggle. I just need to be more aware.
 
For the possibility that it may be AS, take some GABA and 5HTP. I swear they're the go-to over the counter drugs for Autistics.

And pot also helps.

(If the guy who introduced me to pot told me he was Jesus, I'd believe him. That's how much weed has improved my life.)
 
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