Another not-sure-newbie trying to find some certainty

[Picaflor]

Hi everyone

I am 38yo and have just got up the courage to do the AQ test. I say courage as I think I sort of knew I would score something on it, and was scared about the implications that might have for me. Not that I think there's anything wrong with anyone who is anything but I don't know yet how comfortable I feel with that label.

I took it twice and scored 27+30 which I know is in the lower range, though I suspect quite a few of the things I scored 'normal' on are skills that have been hard earned and have never come naturally. In particular things to do with people, as I am often told I'm particularly good at dealing with people and social stuff even though I find it really hard work most of the time.

I guess I would classify as high functioning but that is based on a lot of assumptions. I do have a high IQ and did get into mensa a few years back but I don't really know what that proves outside of being good at logic puzzles.

Looking back, I'm pretty sure a trained eye would definitely have picked me out when I was a child but maybe not so easily after years of learning how to appear semi-normal. Being or seeming fully normal has always felt like something that I didn't want and wasn't able to have anyway, although I have spent many hours imagining what it would be like to be able to do ordinary things easily like everyone else does.

Give me something complex or intangible to learn and I'm all over it but give me a simple task that anyone can do and I will feel like I have to learn how to do it every time even when I've done it a thousand times before. I often feel like I have a total inability to do anything the same twice.

I've had many of the struggles that seem to be common on here with depression, anxiety, addiction, getting taken advantage of and all that stuff but I can't complain too much as I have plenty to be grateful for too.

I have been very fortunate to have found love with an understanding partner (who first suggested I might be on the spectrum) and to have met many other unusual people who have allowed me to feel part of many tribes, though the prospect of going on a normal blokes night out like a stag do or footy at the pub fills me with dread as I know I can never really fit in. I have found ways to survive those situations but I also find it more and more difficult to want to try as I get older!

I have always been proudly 'odd' and never felt much need to do things just because everyone else does. In school this meant having to find ways to deal with bullying, but conforming never felt like a viable option to me. I knew I was different somehow but never had words to express why. Also I had my hearing tested because I so often didn't hear things my teachers said but my hearing was actually slightly above average. Of course this was tested in a quiet room with one person talking, easy right?

In work I have been through so many different industries that I'm not going to try to list them all, but they all got boring and felt claustrophobic once I had solved all the problems I could see. Especially when I was working for people who refused to take on new ideas. I have found a pretty good balance now between running a business with a friend that involves constant innovation and problem solving, and working alone doing domestic handyman work which always brings funny little problems to solve. A friend who I did a bit of consultancy for calls me 'the problem whisperer' and since he came up with that I realised that is really what I enjoy doing and have some talent at. I'm totally skint right now while the business gets going but actually feeling closer to a way I want to work than I ever have.

Anyway, I'm not on here looking for a pat on the back so I won't keep going on about myself. Right now I just feel like I've discovered a new mountain of information to climb and I can see you all sitting up there so I'm hoping to catch any nuggets you can throw me.

I've got my marginal self diagnosis and I've listened to about 5 hours of 'aspie cast' podcast and identified with most of what he said. What do I do now? Where can I learn more? How do I start to talk to other people about this without knowing for sure? ... Or any other pointers of any kind?!

Thanks so much for reading, I know that was a long one.

Tom

 

[zozie]

Welcome!

I suppose the biggest nugget that I could personally throw (if it's big enough, does it become a boulder?) is to trust the inner sense of difference as something to really pay attention to. I've found that the fairly recent accessibility and prevalence of neurdivergent voices have really shaken up "established" (neurotypical) research, and this has led to many different responses all around, ranging from relief to hostility and everything in between.

Sounds like you've got a lot of information to comb through, both externally and internally. This is a great place to use as a sounding board for ideas.

 

[Judge]

What do I do now? Where can I learn more? How do I start to talk to other people about this without knowing for sure? ... Or any other pointers of any kind?!

Looks like you've gotten off to an excellent start, simply coming here. Feel free to do a lot of reading, and even more to interact with us in comparison to yourself.

I can't think of a better "litmus test" than to spend a great deal of time with others who just may turn out to be your own kind.

Welcome to AF.

 

[Kevin1968]

Remember that you remain the same person despite any tests or diagnosis.

I haven't gone for a formal diagnosis, but score well into the range on the online tests.
However I am 52, with just over a dozen years of working time remaining. Probably getting too old to learn a lot of new tricks too (learnt most the hard way, and suspect I still face some hurdles)

At your age though, I think I would have pursued a formal diagnosis. Others here will probably assist you on how to do that depending on your location.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here and find it informative and supportive. Yes, independent of diagnosis it can be really useful to see if this fits how you experience yourself and the world, and to recognise or learn strategies that work for you around how you are. Sounds like you are already doing that, the creative way you have adapted your work situation.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Hi Tom thank you for your post.
I copied and pasted it, and will answer it in the order it is written, as I find it easier to answer posts that way.

Congratulations on your bravery, as you felt you needed courage to take the AQ test.
Being on the spectrum is a blessing not a curse, not knowing means we feel different but don't know why.

The maker of wrongplanet another autism site made a short video and there was a doctor who is a Native American shaman who says autistic people have a licence to become shamans.
Don't feel bad about not feeling sure if you are comfy with this as it is new to you.

Some things don't come naturally for aspies and auties and we mask these differences, particularly girls. I didnt want to seem weird so I hid my social difficulties wanting to fit in. Meltdowns appeared to be immature tantrums so I was ashamed, however now I know I am aspie, the meltdowns are still here but they are explained.

Either you have trained yourself to deal with people or have engaged in activities as a child which increase social skills, such as art, reading fiction etc.

Many aspies have high IQ, I lost mine as I wasted my energy dumbing myself down to fit in with peers, and didn't admit that I actually felt uncomfortable with them, preferring to be among younger people and adults.

I talked about masking to my autism assessor and she was familiar with it, Tony Attwood the leading asperger's expert, talks a lot about it in his book.

It's good you kept your identity, many lose it trying to fit in.

Simple tasks like finding the way from A-B was hard for me, I was ashamed I kept getting lost on short journeys.

Depression, anxiety, addiction, getting taken advantage of are issues I have had. I am glad you feel you have plenty to be grateful for too.

It's good you have been very fortunate to have found love with an understanding partner (who first suggested you might be on the spectrum) and to have met many other unusual people who have allowed you to feel part of many tribes.

The prospect of going on a normal blokes night out like a stag do or footy at the pub fills you with dread as you know you can never really fit in. This is good, you never hid this from yourself, I struggled in pubs and nights out, wondering why I stood alone and no one talked to me, I felt a bore.

If you can come to terms with the possibility of being on the spectrum or even get a diagnosis, you can stop these things altogether and feel comfy.

It is good you have always been proudly 'odd' and never felt much need to do things just because everyone else does.
I was called a weirdo from an early age, I hold myself responsible though because I learned to read around 2yrs old and gave up because I placed more importance on my Dad's name-calling and threw away my talent, which my mum was proud of. This resulted in me regressing and becoming destructive, immature and acting out.

It's excellent that conforming never felt like a viable option to you, this shows some comfort in your own skin.

I blundered my way though work. Made lots of errors, in wrong jobs, didnt fit in, got exploited in many ways.

Your innovation seems to show me that you must have engaged in reading fiction or art or other creative activities as a child, this will have formed a foundation of self acceptance which prevented you from trying to fit in. Children who read fiction often grow up with a natural business acumen and good problem solving ability.

You are sounding like you are on the right life path which is positive.
You deserve a pat on the back even though you are not looking for one.

As for nuggets if information, I interpret that as if you want to know more about asperger's.
I had fixations and obsessions.
I made up words, silly words when I lost my life path, and became disruptive.
I struggled socially. I would not admit that I didnt like crowded smelly pubs, as everyone else liked them and I didnt want to be the odd one out.
I didn't like it that I wanted to play with younger kids and sit quietly while adults talked, rather than play with same age peers and siblings.
I didnt like that I could not ride a bike, run fast, leap over fences like "normal kids" so I kidded myself I could and tried to get in the school hockey team which was a disaster.
I felt a "bore" had I of spent my time in the library, I would have been a proud geek, a proud harmless weirdo, I would have been quietly confident and trustworthy.
I found myself to be gullible and easily exploited.
I ended up in relationships with guys who cheated on me, or cancelled dates, led me to believe I was going to have sex after a long term relationship and the sex didnt happen.
I wanted sex to lose my virginity, so I let a man use me.
I loved art but did not nurture it, I would have rather been good at sport.
I was an example of an aspie from the 70's who did not accept themselves.
I was hyper sensitive.
I hated loud noises.
I hated soggy foods.
I loved fur.
I saw sounds and saw feelings, I heard visual stimuli.

What do you do now?
Do you feel as if you want an official diagnosis?, or are you happy with a self-diagnosis, this is your call.

Where can you learn more?
Here.
Youtube.
Temple Grandin a very famous autistic.
Tony Attwood a leading Asperger's expert.
Google is your friend.

How do you start to talk to other people about this without knowing for sure?
I'm sorry I can't grasp what you mean here, some non autistic people don't understand, use your gut instinct to pick out people who do, it never lies.
Talk to other people on the spectrum, social media, here etc

Or any other pointers of any kind? hmm... probably lots, I just cannot think of them from the top of my head.
You seem to have a grasp of what makes your heart sing.
Do you like art?
Music?
Computers?
Cooking? etc follow your bliss.

Don't feel bad about it being long, you had a lot you wanted to thrash out, I hope this post has somewhat helped you.

 

[Wolfsage]

How's it going?
Merry Christmas!

 

[Gift2humanity]

How's it going?
Merry Christmas!

Not too well with me, I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

 

[Picaflor]

Thanks to everyone, especially gift2humanity I really appreciate all you have shared there. A lot of that sounds really tough, so many unaccepting assh*les in the world. Bullying is just sh*t for anyone, even the bullies most of the time. I hope you have been able to let go of the parts of that which have held you back, I know I'm still working on that.

You are right too, I did get lost in fiction and comics and make believe as a kid. My Dad was a writer so I guess that helped steer me that way. I read 'zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance' around 17 though and something changed where I suddenly required learning from anything I read. Since then I hardly ever find fiction that grabs me in text form, though games and films I can never get my fill of, to the point where I don't allow myself to own a console or decent pc.

I sometimes wonder how different things might have been if I could have handled mainstream pubs and clubs. My struggles with that setting led me to illegal raves from the age of 15 where all the rules were still being written, weirdos were the norm and there was always a quiet room to go and hang out in between bombarding my senses with sound and light. I fell heavily into psychedelics and anything else I could get my hands on, but funnily enough the only meltdown I had on them was sparked by being in earshot of a few different sound systems and not being able to separate the brown mess of noise from what came out of people's mouths.

I pulled myself out of that eventually with the help of rock climbing, but being the person I am I had to take that to the extreme as well and took on some absolutely ridiculous routes far beyond my abilities with people I had just met on a regular basis. I got half decent at it despite having no background in physical activity at all by applying my brain to make up for the shortcomings in my body. I did become a guide for a few years which suited me pretty well but I always battled with imposter syndrome and in the end it just didn't pay a decent living.

I also experienced a cheating partner while living that life, we got engaged a month before she started cheating on me with a friend and colleague and it went on for 9 months because everyone else who could see it happening never brought it up with me cause they thought I knew and was ok with it. I did know he fancied her but was just being trusting of my partner and trying to let her spend time with whoever she wanted to. It didn't really compute for me that she might start another relationship whilst still being with me as I would never do that. The feelings of confusion, stupidity, inadequacy, loss of life plan and all that stuff left me near suicidal for a time but I found my way out through creating the biggest and most outrageous climbing problem I could set for myself and focusing my mind on that whilst working 7 days a week. The route took two years to plan, a month to climb and nearly killed me several times and I am still not sure how it all came together given the unreasonable odds, but finishing it gave me a whole 2 weeks of empty brain and it was maybe the first time in my life I had experienced that. Beyond any sense of achievement at the top, that zen feeling made it worthwhile.

I do still climb but I know climbing that big route has kind of ruined climbing for me as it is beyond anything I have the fitness, time and budget to take on now. I never really want to go out climbing any more but I force myself to go because my climbing buddy really needs that time and I do always feel better at the end of the day. I am still working on ways to re engage my brain with it so I can love climbing again because it is the best tonic I have ever found for quieting the monkey brain.

I'll start working through some of those other links and stuff everyone has kindly posted on here, thanks again to everyone

If anyone wants to know more about the rock climbing stuff I'm happy to waffle on about it forever but probably better if you check out the interview I did after that got edited to be a proper story - Picaflor | The Dirtbag Diaries

 

[Gift2humanity]

I am honoured, thank you.
Bullies are unhappy people. I bullied (was mostly bullied myself) which is why I bullied, cowardly excuse for a person taking my anger out on smaller people. Too scared to stand up to people my own size.

Fiction, I knew it. My greatest regret is giving fiction up at 2 because my Dad's name calling was more important to me. I changed my mother from an empathic loving mother to a bully.

You sound disciplined.

Mainstream pubs and clubs wasted a lot of my time and money, or should I say I wasted a lot of my time and money in them. Illegal raves may have had drugs but they also had people who accepted you instead of the self conscious pub goers bitching about each other.
I missed out on the rave scene because I was too busy trying to figure out why I didnt fit into pubs.

Sorry you were cheated on but glad you found a way back into life. I never experienced zen, the fiction as a child will have set you up for that.

Climb if it is your passion.

I see a blue square with a ? in I dont know what that is.

I see a good future for you.

 

[Wolfsage]

Not too well with me, I hope you can learn from my mistakes.

As I hope you can mine. All the same Merry Christmas. I hope you find peace and happiness. Thanks for sharing. It really help.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

If you want some certainty, then get tested by a psychologist that does autism screening. There is some value in all of the testing,...even if it turns out not to be autism. Between the hours of interviews, the cognitive performance testing, the written testing, etc. you will have a better idea of what the issue(s) are, your strengths and weaknesses, your specific IQs in certain areas, etc...and perhaps a definitive diagnosis. One clear advantage, if you do have an ASD, and have that professional diagnosis in writing, then you qualify for the legal and employment protections under the American's with Disabilities Act. Other countries may have similar protective laws. Besides that, it's not an issue for many,...but not all,...to simply say, right up front,..."I have autism,...and that I am OK with it." "I know I may present a little "off" to you, and this is why,...and it's OK." My experience with co-workers and with my students has allowed me to be very comfortable with simply being up front with people. Most people, once they know, will give you some "grace". If you don't say anything, and they perceive you as "weird", or don't understand your communication, or you don't understand their communication,...then sometimes this can lead to misunderstandings and adverse outcomes.

 

[Picaflor]

Thanks again to everyone for all your thoughts. I have shared my self diagnosis with my closest friends, and surprise surprise some of them have recently taken the ASQ test and all have spoken about their own brain stuff my business partner said he and his girlfriend already thought I was on the spectrum. I'm not sure I will pursue official diagnosis since I am self employed so I don't need protection like that at work and would not qualify for any kind of benefits, also the dreaded c word has put a stop to face to face assessments on the NHS for now.

I think part of my fear was that people would not be surprised, like it would mean I don't 'pass' as well as I thought I did. In the end it actually felt reassuring that the person I spend the most time with knows me that well already.

I'm still not fully comfortable calling myself an aspie yet but only because that feels a bit disrespectful of people who have been properly diagnosed. I still don't fully understand the difference between all the sub-classifications so I'll settle with 'on the spectrum' for now. Oh and I tested stupidly high online for synaesthesia too so I guess I'll have to look into that one as well

Anyway, as if to reward that scary bit of honesty I had a great day today as we made the first cut with a huge semi automated chainsaw mill we have built from scratch after a year of stretching brains and patience to the limit! Big complex problems really are the poison and the remedy for me but today I got a load of really big payoffs from seeds sown and toiled for.

It's felt like discovering about autism has put a missing piece in a puzzle. Doesn't mean it's finished yet but I can see some important parts of the picture now.

happy solstice or merry Xmas or whatever it is you do around now. I'll be taking my first week off this year and enjoying every minute

 

[VictorR]

Welcome!

I have to say that I never understood the concepts of stags / hen parties. They seem immoral to me.