pretty girls make graves
Well-Known Member
hey people.
don't know, for some time now I've been feeling the need to start talking about my issues and expressing the emotions related. but somehow I always seem to have some excuse as to why I can't do it right now...keep delaying it.
I'm not diagnosed with AS. I moved for university, that was about a year and a half ago. Last year, after I got in a fight with my friends and didn't really talk to anyone in weeks (sat by myself locked in my room) I looked at myself in the mirror and said that something must be seriously wrong with me. Then I started to remember all the things, from my early childhood on, up to this moment. Around that time I started talking, more as a joke, that I might be a mildly autistic.
But right then I remembered a magazine that I read, and there was some article on a girl with some kind of disorder that kept her from socializing. I picked it up again, googled it. And that was it, like my whole life was there. I did further research and now I'm certain. Don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it gets me feeling sad and hopeless, knowing that it would never magically change.
I still don't know whom to talk to on this subject. I told this to my mom, also to my friends (but they didn't believe me. I guess I should be missing an arm or a leg to get some sort of recognition. they were like : "but you talk to us, you are a bit quiet and socially awkward, I am too, but...my best friend..." I said - stop it right there. the keyword. "best friend" I never had a best friend. Closer to not having a friend at all.
What's worse, I moved recently - two months ago. Almost no planning whatsoever, out of the blue, my old life was gone in a week's time. I switched universities, moved to another city in a neighbouring country. It is meant to sort my life out for me. Which I still kind of believe it can happen in a long run. And I kind of believed that I had friends here, and I realized that this wasn't exactly true. I live with a roomate, whom I avoid greatly.
The girl whom I considered my friend and related to the most in my entire life, passes me by on the hallway, with a disinterested "hi". Every time I see her I get a death wish, it's the biggest disappointment ever.
I get weak in the knees and my heart starts pounding. I sink every time. Not in a romantic way. One time I saw her, she was typing stuff on her cell and she looked up and saw me, jerked and quickly held her hands in front of her as if in a defensive position. then she said hi.
Actually we stopped hanging out when she moved to the current city (in which I also am living now). It was my wish also, but couldn't go at that time. I never even told her about my plans to move later on, because she wouldn't listen. I humiliated myself so many times to regain our friendship (last summer she called me when she was coming to the town that I was studying in then, we said we were going to meet and she didn't even turn up) that I just can't do anything anymore, just don't want to. It still hurts like hell and I think that our parting has left me wanting to lock myself away from the world and not trust people or ever have an idea of having someone really close to me ever again. It crushed my world, I momentarily stopped communicating with dozens of other people over it, stopped trying. Why try and get hurt again?
I don't think she has any idea. I will never understand why people wanting me out of their lives have to be so cruel about it. The fact that she wouldn't even approach me and ask me how I'm doing or how is that that I'm even there (still another country) is just incredible. Am I that insignificant and unworthy? I actually talked to her once on my own initiative, because I saw her working at a students' bar, and because I was drunk obviously. Didn't actually talk all that much, mostly ordering my drink.
Other time I smiled at her, and she asked me : "what?". I just shook my head and turned around.
Now I miss my friends (the only real ones I had in my entire life I'd say), I speak to almost no one outside my university and when I do I still feel miserable.
People call me to go out just to go in the middle of the night and leave me with people whom I don't even know or when we go out together (to have fun) will just go grope someone leaving me standing in the corner. Which leaves me wanting to keep my distance from them and stay home. Which I do, 99% perceent of the time.
I go to university, go home. Other times I go to museums, or go out alone to parties I have no one to go with or just walk around by myself. Or go to a cemetery, it's so relaxing and I feel at ease and peace with myself.
People I know are totally different than me, they don't like the same music, and I can't stand the idea of going to drum n bass parties, or clubs where they play crappy new pop music ****. Or gay clubs for that matter, because I'm also gay, which doesn't make it easier for me. I never really understood girls, but never had many guy friends either. Always felt I had more of a boy's brain and I feel the need for male company, but I just don't know. I'm too coy. I find it so hard to relate to others unless they're weird or lonely. Finding a girlfriend seems like mission impossible right now, although I do feel that I'm longing for a human touch. Not happening. I don't really like talking about my emotions much, or relationships, or admit that I actually want to find someone.
When I go to a gay club it leaves me wanting to die, can't stand it.
It's way too much for me. But I don't regret moving, it's the thing I have for this place, I love it so much and almost see it as a personified entity. So at least I have one friend. When I bring my record player over here, that would make two of them xD
But still I'm just so lonely and have no one to talk to. And have no idea what to do. I don't even talk to people online. I at least want to do that.
I've ended up doing what I hate seeing and apologizing for an overly long post. Blah.
Nice to meet you too.
don't know, for some time now I've been feeling the need to start talking about my issues and expressing the emotions related. but somehow I always seem to have some excuse as to why I can't do it right now...keep delaying it.
I'm not diagnosed with AS. I moved for university, that was about a year and a half ago. Last year, after I got in a fight with my friends and didn't really talk to anyone in weeks (sat by myself locked in my room) I looked at myself in the mirror and said that something must be seriously wrong with me. Then I started to remember all the things, from my early childhood on, up to this moment. Around that time I started talking, more as a joke, that I might be a mildly autistic.
But right then I remembered a magazine that I read, and there was some article on a girl with some kind of disorder that kept her from socializing. I picked it up again, googled it. And that was it, like my whole life was there. I did further research and now I'm certain. Don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it gets me feeling sad and hopeless, knowing that it would never magically change.
I still don't know whom to talk to on this subject. I told this to my mom, also to my friends (but they didn't believe me. I guess I should be missing an arm or a leg to get some sort of recognition. they were like : "but you talk to us, you are a bit quiet and socially awkward, I am too, but...my best friend..." I said - stop it right there. the keyword. "best friend" I never had a best friend. Closer to not having a friend at all.
What's worse, I moved recently - two months ago. Almost no planning whatsoever, out of the blue, my old life was gone in a week's time. I switched universities, moved to another city in a neighbouring country. It is meant to sort my life out for me. Which I still kind of believe it can happen in a long run. And I kind of believed that I had friends here, and I realized that this wasn't exactly true. I live with a roomate, whom I avoid greatly.
The girl whom I considered my friend and related to the most in my entire life, passes me by on the hallway, with a disinterested "hi". Every time I see her I get a death wish, it's the biggest disappointment ever.
I get weak in the knees and my heart starts pounding. I sink every time. Not in a romantic way. One time I saw her, she was typing stuff on her cell and she looked up and saw me, jerked and quickly held her hands in front of her as if in a defensive position. then she said hi.
Actually we stopped hanging out when she moved to the current city (in which I also am living now). It was my wish also, but couldn't go at that time. I never even told her about my plans to move later on, because she wouldn't listen. I humiliated myself so many times to regain our friendship (last summer she called me when she was coming to the town that I was studying in then, we said we were going to meet and she didn't even turn up) that I just can't do anything anymore, just don't want to. It still hurts like hell and I think that our parting has left me wanting to lock myself away from the world and not trust people or ever have an idea of having someone really close to me ever again. It crushed my world, I momentarily stopped communicating with dozens of other people over it, stopped trying. Why try and get hurt again?
I don't think she has any idea. I will never understand why people wanting me out of their lives have to be so cruel about it. The fact that she wouldn't even approach me and ask me how I'm doing or how is that that I'm even there (still another country) is just incredible. Am I that insignificant and unworthy? I actually talked to her once on my own initiative, because I saw her working at a students' bar, and because I was drunk obviously. Didn't actually talk all that much, mostly ordering my drink.
Other time I smiled at her, and she asked me : "what?". I just shook my head and turned around.
Now I miss my friends (the only real ones I had in my entire life I'd say), I speak to almost no one outside my university and when I do I still feel miserable.
People call me to go out just to go in the middle of the night and leave me with people whom I don't even know or when we go out together (to have fun) will just go grope someone leaving me standing in the corner. Which leaves me wanting to keep my distance from them and stay home. Which I do, 99% perceent of the time.
I go to university, go home. Other times I go to museums, or go out alone to parties I have no one to go with or just walk around by myself. Or go to a cemetery, it's so relaxing and I feel at ease and peace with myself.
People I know are totally different than me, they don't like the same music, and I can't stand the idea of going to drum n bass parties, or clubs where they play crappy new pop music ****. Or gay clubs for that matter, because I'm also gay, which doesn't make it easier for me. I never really understood girls, but never had many guy friends either. Always felt I had more of a boy's brain and I feel the need for male company, but I just don't know. I'm too coy. I find it so hard to relate to others unless they're weird or lonely. Finding a girlfriend seems like mission impossible right now, although I do feel that I'm longing for a human touch. Not happening. I don't really like talking about my emotions much, or relationships, or admit that I actually want to find someone.
When I go to a gay club it leaves me wanting to die, can't stand it.
It's way too much for me. But I don't regret moving, it's the thing I have for this place, I love it so much and almost see it as a personified entity. So at least I have one friend. When I bring my record player over here, that would make two of them xD
But still I'm just so lonely and have no one to talk to. And have no idea what to do. I don't even talk to people online. I at least want to do that.
I've ended up doing what I hate seeing and apologizing for an overly long post. Blah.
Nice to meet you too.
