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Any autistic people find some people are scared of you?

T

thejuice

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm not writing this in a "ooo I'm 'ard" sort of way.
It's a genuine frustration and keeps me from making connections that I crave. (Sometimes lol)

I don't know what it is, my facial expressions maybe. The way I look at people perhaps isn't quite right. Maybe it's because I'm a loner. I am quite physically imposing (although I've lost every fight I've ever been in )

Maybe it's my lack of socialisation or it's their 'outsider radar' I don't know.

I knew a disabled autistic person who'd always come to our gigs without fail, was the sweetest guy and was very appreciative, but people would avoid him like the plague. He had long hair and a big beard maybe that was it. He kind of looked like Gimli from LotR. (No offence I like that look!)
 
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I think there are two sides of the coin here.

One, they might pick up that we are a little weird, we aren't very expressive for example.

Two, we can misinterpret their reactions, and perhaps attach a overly negative meaning to a reaction.
 
thejuice said:
I'm not writing this in a "ooo I'm 'ard" sort of way.
It's a genuine frustration and keeps me from making connections that I crave. (Sometimes lol)

I don't know what it is, my facial expressions maybe. The way I look at people perhaps isn't quite right. Maybe it's because I'm a loner. I am quite physically imposing (although I've lost every fight I've ever been in )

Maybe it's my lack of socialisation or it's their 'outsider radar' I don't know.

I knew a disabled autistic person who'd always come to our gigs without fail, was the sweetest guy and was very appreciative, but people would avoid him like the plague. He had long hair and a big beard maybe that was it. He kind of looked like Gimli from LotR. (No offence I like that look!)
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Most, if not all, animal, bird, and fish species are wired up to recognize differences. So it is with humans. People sense our differences, their amygdala's are on "high alert", and if the person is not intelligent enough to overcome their fear centers, they pull back or they go on the attack.

How do I make a friend or find a partner? All relationships are a two-way street. Reciprocity. If the autistic person is socially avoidant, if they do not exhibit social reciprocity, that's on them. If the other person is sensing "something is off" without having the proper context, they will be socially avoidant. Even if they have the proper context, for example, you tell them you are autistic, that too, may cause them to be socially avoidant.

Obviously, there's a lot more to this, but I believe this is at the core of our difficulties.

On my annual employee peer reviews, even comments to my supervisors, they will receive feedback that I am "intimidating". It is pretty consistent despite every attempt at not being intimidating. I don't want to be that person, but I've never been able to overcome that.
 
Many people in high school used to tell me (after talking to me), "you're very sweet" "at first I thought you were a bully and I was afraid you'd hit me!" (Really?me) Now (as an adult), instead, they believe I'm arrogant just because I stick to my own or they judge me based on my appearance and that's it. Men tell me that at first glance I inspire fear because I have a very serious face and they don't dare approach me / they find me intimidating, and when they get to know me, they say it feels like talking to a man because I'm straightforward / I say what I think unlike many other women (I think they mean neurotypical women?). I'm starting to get used to it and see the positive side: if people (especially men) "fear" you, they're less likely to approach you and put you in uncomfortable situations, so in the end, I don't mind my "walk-around" face.

P.s So if I feel like socializing/having a conversation, I feel disappointed and see it as an obstacle, but less and less because I also see the positive sides and, above all, I'm okay with it. What can I do? Force others to accept me at first sight? (which would be terribly unsettling) If someone wants to get to know me, they can do it; if I approach someone and it's not reciprocated (I feel bad about it and I'm working on it), but again, what can I do about it?
 
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I can be quite sociable and most people usually take a liking to me fairly quickly, but there are some people that will take an almost irrational dislike to me immediately, even before speaking to me. Thanks @Neonatal RRT for a well worded explanation for that, I never really understood it.

I've shocked a few people over the years though, most see me as very meek and mild so they're unprepared for when I lose my temper. I've been told I can be very intense. Hyperfocus. People usually back down pretty quick.
 
I don't know or really care much what people think of me these days, if they think at all. But I think most people aren't scared of me. Unless I'm having a meltdown in public, then they probably are scared or think "what a Karen". I'm 50, white, overweight and have short hair, so it looks like I'm a Karen to other people no matter what. I never even once asked to speak to the manager.
 
I have that serious face! The one that people like to tell to smile more, or not to take life too seriously. The down turned wrinkles on my cheeks and furrowed brow don't lie. I can be quite silly when relaxed but I'm too uptight in public.

I remember when someone warned the class "uh oh he's getting angry!!" at school was when I first realised what my public image was!
 
I keep my hair short now, and beard trimmed short because SURPRISE! I found out I scare people.

Seriously - I watch kitten videos and grow flowers. Might be better off running in terror from bunnies.
 
People are scared of what they do not understand. Especially if it is in rural settings, or anywhere other than highly populated areas where there exposure to people on the spectrum would be very limited.

I grew in a small town, then went to college in a city of 100k+ population. I was treated a lot more like everyone else in the big city.

I also tend to walk around looking angry, I'm not, but I guess I look it. Just tired of crap lol
 
I have not heard anyone say I scared them, nor has the rumor gotten back to me. People do think I am angry  way more than I ever am, but I guess I don't come off as axe-murder angry.
 
In the work I did, advocating for people with developmental disabilities, the people and families that I helped found me to be wonderful and sweet and kind. The people who were reluctant to provide the services my families needed saw me as intimidating. After some years, some of those people quit fighting me and if they saw I was intent on something, they just caved or kicked it up the ladder. Let someone else fight with her.

I've been intimidating when I didn't even know it. Getting my way mostly by being silent (my poor brain scrambling to find another point in my client's favor) and the other party caves, I guess because silence is intimidating to some people.
 
A person did joke once that I looked like a serial killer (I don't have a good poker face when it comes to chronic pain). Actually another person made a joke along those lines. Another said I looked mean.

I always found my dad intimidating.

There are some people I'm not gonna waste my energy being friendly to anymore, I've tried and they're still wary of me and don't say hello.

I've got to accept I'm not someone people come up and strike a conversation with, or want to get to know.
 
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I don't really know if anyone is literally scared of me, but what is more important to me at this stage of my life is that I don't care. I have spent an ocean of time in the past thinking about what other people wanted, how they perceived me and made myself quite invisible so I could survive getting to where I wanted to be. Which was, among other things, to get rid off them because they, very mildly put, held me down. Less mildly put, tried to destroy me.

If anyone is truly scared of me, then it is because they literally have attacked me, lied about me in unforgivable ways, which some have, and in those cases it makes sense to be scared of me, because I expose stuff like that. Of course. Honest people will never have any reason to be scared of me.
 
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Yes. Not really sure how. I have a resting smile. People say I can be very intimidating.

I made a lady cry at the front desk of the dentist the other day. In allot of pain I had just finished telling her that I was in an accident. Asked "did she need my claim nunber" she brushed me off.
I said "Shouldn't that go through my car accident claim?" As she passed me the bill she had already ran though my personal insurance and not my claim. ( I was just asking )
To be fair I was very monotone. But come on I am at the dentist, most people are monotone and in pain. She Panicked grabbed someone else and had started to cry. Then I told her I was in pain. But honestly that was the normal me, I just wasnt masking. I didnt yell or swear (cause i dont) just talked calm and monotone... but the fear in her eyes was something else..
 
I don't think I unintentionally made anyone cry before (but not shaming anyone about it, I'm just saying). I seem to have this timid, nervous look about me. When I used to volunteer in a charity shop and was serving customers, a lot of customers saw me as an idiot and would try to haggle their way into getting things cheap or even for free. Although I knew what they were trying to do, I didn't know how to say no, so I timidly just let them have what they wanted so that I could see them happy. I felt like Butters from South Park who looked nervous and worried whenever he was put under pressure to assert himself when he just wanted to be a people-pleaser. It's a very daunting situation to be in and is why I avoid working in retail. It's not me who would make customers cry, it'd be the customers making me cry (especially with the emotional fragility I get).
 
Misty Avich said:
I don't think I unintentionally made anyone cry before (but not shaming anyone about it, I'm just saying). I seem to have this timid, nervous look about me. When I used to volunteer in a charity shop and was serving customers, a lot of customers saw me as an idiot and would try to haggle their way into getting things cheap or even for free. Although I knew what they were trying to do, I didn't know how to say no, so I timidly just let them have what they wanted so that I could see them happy. I felt like Butters from South Park who looked nervous and worried whenever he was put under pressure to assert himself when he just wanted to be a people-pleaser. It's a very daunting situation to be in and is why I avoid working in retail. It's not me who would make customers cry, it'd be the customers making me cry (especially with the emotional fragility I get).
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Dont worry at all. I dont feel like you were shaming me. I feel like butters from south park inside. I have tried to be more self aware. But it is really hard. Because people who know me are confused by peoples initial reactions.


Either way we are always miss understood either scary or timid and easy to walk on. It is not a kind world to us.
 
Well I guess I do feel as timid on the inside as I look of the outside. I could hide it but then that would require masking, and sometimes it's best to just be yourself.
 
Misty Avich said:
Well I guess I do feel as timid on the inside as I look of the outside. I could hide it but then that would require masking, and sometimes it's best to just be yourself.
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You are probably right. I am slowly learning how to be myself. But it isnt being received very well. The masked me is very up beat and lots of fluxuation in tones, happy, excited and people like that. The mono tone regular me people think there is something wrong with me. They think I am defective or are scared of me.

That is pretty awesome you can show case the real you!
 
scleod said:
You are probably right. I am slowly learning how to be myself. But it isnt being received very well. The masked me is very up beat and lots of fluxuation in tones, happy, excited and people like that. The mono tone regular me people think there is something wrong with me. They think I am defective or are scared of me.

That is pretty awesome you can show case the real you!
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I mask to an extent (the natural masking we all humans do accordingly) but I don't want to go around strutting like I own the place while feeling timid and scared inside. I think trying to be the opposite of who you really are can cause a whole set of different problems. So sometimes it's best to just be yourself. I break less social rules that way.
Also, even without masking much I'm still not an ''obvious'' Aspie. I'm more like a quirky NT, although ADHD and anxiety is more obvious.
 
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