anyone else ever get the feeling people like you ironically?

[AnnadinNoliman]

This is something that has plagued me since elementary school. For as long as I can remember there have been people that say they like me, that say to everyone that they think I'm cool, and apparently treat me nicely. But how they treat me always differs dramatically from how I observe them treating other people they like. For example, in fifth grade a lot of people said that I'm "awesome" as like a repeated mantra, but never attempted to converse with me in a one on one context. No one sought out my attention, no one invited me to do anything, no one wanted to sit next to me or be partnered with me in any context. They socially isolated me with a smile and wave and it was horrible.

And as I got into high school I figured out how I could advance my relationships with people, but it relies on utilizing my apparent "quirkiness" for comedic affect. If I sort of turn into a joke how weird and uncomfortable I am it makes people more at ease around me and I was able to obtain a sort of social life off of that. A similar thing happened in college, where I have built up a good number of people that would consider me some form of friend, and I've managed to become fairly well known in various circles due to my involvement in different things.

But the same issue keeps coming up which is none of them seek out my attention still, I very rarely get invited to any parties thrown by people I know claim they like me. And all anyone ever talks about is how "unique" I am, how "different" I am, how I should "never change", and always "be myself".

What it feels like they're saying when they tell me this is "wow I'm so glad you're okay being this uncomfortable and weird because I sure could never be!". Like as though I'm choosing to miss social cues and I'm choosing to do all these things that isolate me from other people as some sort of bizarre joke. And I do feel like a joke to all of them.

In short, the friends in my life right now all feel like they don't take me seriously. Like I'm this jokey side character they get to laugh at sometimes. Like they'll never ever like me like they like their "normal" friends.
Anyone else ever get like that?

 

[Graphin]

Yes, quite a lot

 

[Progster]

When I was at school, most of the other kids were in cliques or friendship groups and not really interested in getting to know people outside that group. I was one of the uncool kids and I think they didn't want to be seen talking to me because they might lose their status within their social group - to them, it was all about image and social standing among one's peers. Associating with me didn't fit the image they had of themselves, or the image or culture of the social group to which they belonged. So they would say 'hi', but that was the extent of their interaction with me. Nobody told me that I was awesome or anything like that, they simply ignored me like I was part of the background. I never belonged to a friendship group, but did have one or two friends, people who were outsiders a bit like me.

 

[Graphin]

Now, what's the solution?

 

[Suzanne]

In school, I was only "popular" when my best friend was in school. As soon as she had to be away and I was there, I became a non entity and the worst, was being very well aware of this.

Looking back through my memories at school now, I recognise a lot of asperger traits or as it is now called: asd traits.

Quite frankly, school years and college years, were a complete nightmare for me.

 

[Nauti]

I'm so damn socially awkward, always have been, but, I did have occasional social success in.high school. In year 7 I had a girl group, but I'm pretty sure most of us were Aspies and the rest were culturally diverse (a quiet indian girl and a Greek girl ) I was really only friends with the Aspie girls.

In year 9 I had a male friend, we were the social outcasts, he was an outrageous/extraverted gay guy of Isreali descent, highly intelligent.

But since then, only work related "friends" (task focused relationships) and a couple of Aspie mates.

Oh, and boyfriends, the first main long term one of those was also a very task focused working-together relationship, that was miserably emotionally lonely and woefully inept, in the communication stakes.

In my late thirties, I finally met an Autistic guy that fullfills me.

And a couple of Autistic women that I get on with. We rarely catch up, but I feel comfortable with a small handful of people, at long last.

I do live with my guy, and he's enough for me..

My point is, getting socially comfortable can take a long time or be a case of finding other misfits to fit in with, as someone on the spectrum.

 

[Otenba]

I can relate so well. I even get it with family members and work colleagues. It is horrible and I point out that "if I'm so nice and wonderful to them, why do they never want to hang out or visit?" I end up feeling lied to.

 

[Tom]

For kids I think their attitude, although not satisfying was at least benign more of less. Kids (and adults) can be far worse in how they treat 'different' people. Hopefully in time you will come across some that are more mentally adept and will appreciate you for who you really are. They are out there, NT as well as ASD.

 

[Pats]

When I read your post, in my mind I kept thinking of things on the other end. Let me use an example. Mark Farner was the original lead singer, lead guitarist, and super talented of Grand Funk Railroad and HE made GFR what they are. I think he is the coolest person and I like and admire everything about him, even now, I like what he does. But thinking someone is really cool does not make us friends. I doubt I would even make an effort to meet him one on one if there was ever an opportunity. It's great that people like you and think you are awesome, but to make friends entails effort on both parts.
You do have an advantage - that people do like you. With me in high school I remember one girl that would talk to me in the class we had together and she'd say hello to me if we passed in the hall. One day she came up to me and said she couldn't talk to me anymore because her friends were giving her a hard time over it because they didn't like me. The only kids that had anything to do with me were called 'the town hippies/freaks'. I started hanging out around them, but it took me going to them, not them coming to me.

 

[paloftoon]

The best solution to this is to go to events on your own and keeping meeting different people until you finally clique. What will also help you is just to gain more knowledge in general. If you can't relate to people now, maybe you can later on. Also consider running a party of your own and inviting a small number of people. Don't expect anyone to show up, and be okay with one person showing up and just enjoying your time. Thinks of it as different steps and things you can try. It's a process. Try not to beat yourself up. Focus on how you can help yourself. If you don't get any results, you didn't lose anything by trying really.

Try to keep things in mind of how comfortable you feel with putting yourself out there, if using your home as a party venue, how comfortable you are with that and with who. Don't be too paranoid nor too easy generally speaking. Determine your risk tolerance for as many important social things as you can and if you think it's too high, re-consider things to try. It's a good idea to make your door hard to open, but not impossible. Life should be about taking educated risks and dealing with the bad even after we were cautious enough if it does happen. Remember, everyone is human too, and not everything may make sense on any end. Try to be open to 1-1 discussion in more public areas if necessary if in such a situation.

 

[Ylva]

Adults swear up and down that children are cruel, but mostly children are thoughtlessly prejudiced. Adults are cruel, they're just projecting.

So if the kids were passive-aggressive to you it just means they were taught to be.

I was like you. I wish I had learned to set boundaries earlier, but there was pretty much an implicit threat of severe punishment for not just taking it lying down in every interaction. True, there were a handful of genuine interactions, too, but most of them occured in my last year of high school. The only advice I can give is to concentrate on making your own life better, stop worrying about the others to whatever degree you can. (Oh, and reading Allan Pease, so two advice.)

 

[paloftoon]

Adults swear up and down that children are cruel, but mostly children are thoughtlessly prejudiced. Adults are cruel, they're just projecting.

. . .

I think "everyone" is cruel whether children or adults. It's just as children, we are restricted to be stuck in a "prison" of a school if it's school issues and you go to a brick and mortar school. Just because they are children isn't an excuse for bad behavior.

Bad behavior and mistakes can happen because we are human. However (assuming "bad behavior" is not something like murder, rape, etc.), person should be able to ask for your forgiveness for certain things they did to you.

There's no obligation for you to like the person or give them another chance, but you should if they are willing to apologize on their own- especially if they do it on their own- just allow them that chance(s). That indicates a lot of good about their character and their positive degree of self-awareness.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

are the people telling you you're awesome mostly women?