Anyone else feels like they're a loser and no one wants you?

[ShamarZ15]

I'm 19 high functioning Autistic male that has had to suffer through life a whole lot worse than most people. I had to endure years of bullying from students and teachers, I had my face pushed into the bleachers and knocked one of my teeth back. I'm so glad I found comedy when I did because that's one of the reasons I've resisted my dark thoughts for as long as I did. It's not easy feeling knowing that I mess up too much and drive people away. I beat myself up when I shoot myself in the foot so much whether it be from women to life in general. I've accepted the fact I'm gonna be alone for a while since I can't seem to do anything right.

 

[Fino]

Are you in therapy?

 

[ShamarZ15]

Are you in therapy?

No

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there, Spartan.

Yes, I have felt very similar to you and on bad days, I just want to bow my head with the weight of negativity.

It even happens when I do things like stub my toe or bash my head on a beam etc, I would feel crushed with stupidity, but of late, just laugh it off.

The thing is, that it comes from within and thus the growing sense of self worth, comes from within.

I have said this a few times, but will say again here. I used to think I was stupid at everything. An utter useless imperfect being and one time, I was repeating those words and stopped and thought: mmm if I am useless at everything, does that not mean I have tried everything? If so, doesn't that make me superhuman, even if I failed? I had to laugh at the logic and from there on, I discovered cross stitching and even get the wow factor from those who are artists.

Humour is a wonderful antidote to the bad feelings we get.

I have suffered being slammed a liar for most of my life and finally, the truth is coming out and it feels mighty weird now lol

 

[SusanLR]

I've never felt I was less than anyone as a person.
But, life can be hard when you have something that makes you different from the majority
since it seems that's how the human society works.
If you don't fit the "norm" mold, you don't fit and are put down for it.
I just learned not to care. But, yes, being alone is part of it and that takes some getting used to.

 

[ShamarZ15]

I've never felt I was less than anyone as a person.
But, life can be hard when you have something that makes you different from the majority
since it seems that's how the human society works.
If you don't fit the "norm" mold, you don't fit and are put down for it.
I just learned not to care. But, yes, being alone is part of it and that takes some getting used to.

Trust me if I hadn't lost my dad I'd be a lot more accepting to the loneliness. I am messed up to my core since that happened 3 years ago. I'm unsure about going back to school and just wanting to give up. Part of me is quietly waiting to die so I don't have to suffer through life like this. I feel emotionally dead inside these days all I feel is anger and its slowly taking over and getting out of control.

 

[ShamarZ15]

this describes my mood perfectly.

 

[ShamarZ15]

another one.

 

[SusanLR]

this describes my mood perfectly.

I like that song too.
But there is a lot of anger in it and if it were perfectly true we don't care anymore nothing would hurt or bother us.
So I guess for me I do care that the anger/hurt of how things are going makes me care. Care how I feel miserable.
I'm messed up now too due to a loss to death five years ago.
No matter what happened as long as I had the one person I truly trusted to care in my life
I knew I could face anything. Now the feeling of total alone creates a part of my inner feelings to
say I don't care about life now in pieces.

 

[Monachopia]

This is probably the least helpful thing I can say on the surface, but trust me, it will get better. Teenage years and the recovery from them were some the worst points of my life. When I was 17 and 18 I attempted suicide multiple times because life was that dark and hopeless. I felt that no one could ever love me and no one would ever listen. I felt I was broken and couldn't do anything right.

The thing is, despite feeling like that, I kept trying. I found a smidgeon of hope and refused to give up the idea that tomorrow might be better. Work on something you believe that you are good at - even if there is no recognition of it. Keep sharing and talking here, having a community that understands what you're going through helps so much. Maybe seek out some therapy and stick to it for a bit - at first it might feel a bit pointless, but after a while things will click into place. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things someone can go through, especially at 15-16. I have known people who completely fell off the functioning life train when that happened to them at that age. I really suggest, at the very least, seek out some bereavement counselling. Grief can last years and will have so many ripple effects... My thoughts go out to you.

I think, as stupid as it is, online dating (and metal music...) saved me somewhat. I kept trying, there were many setbacks, but eventually I found the person who stuck by me even though he met me at one of my lowest points. You are special and there is someone out there for you. Having an interest you love also helps to build up self worth.

You are 19... So neurologically speaking your brain will still be going in an emotional overdrive... In a couple of years, as the brain matures those emotions will calm down. I felt the change at around 22-24. By 26 things affected me less. Don't give up. Take it one day at a time and you never know, tomorrow might be brighter.

 

[Autistamatic]

had to suffer through life a whole lot worse than most people

Maybe that's true in general terms, but in this community you might find that your suffering is quite similar, or even less than some others. The specifics of everyone's situations vary, but the feelings can be just as intense.
You are obviously quite intelligent and you express your feelings well, but you are feeling hopelessness which is turning to anger. You sound like you are suffering from depression - a text book case in fact, and that's horrible to be going through. Look through this forum and you will find countless people who are now or have previously suffered depression also. It's almost a given for people on the spectrum living in a society that doesn't understand us.
Go see a doctor my friend. You may need either medication (e.g. SSRIs), therapy or both to help you cope with these feelings and become their master, not their victim.
My heart goes out to you, it really does. I've been through similar, but I came out the other side. I still feel depression from time to time, but having beaten it once, I have always known since that I can beat it again. So can you.

 

[OkRad]

Comedy and the Spartans. That is quit a mix. I like them both, too. Comedy can really take you to another place. My brother told me about a show called "Wilfred." It is so very funny that I actually did laugh out loud in places. I think I will keep watching it. It's actually not just funny but kind of deep, too.

Do things that bring you relief until something good happens in your life. You are 19 and there WILL be good things that happen. Good, then bad, then good, then the final bad thing we all have to face. But you have time to accumulate good memories. Seek them out. They sustain you when the shadows lengthen.

 

[ShamarZ15]

This is probably the least helpful thing I can say on the surface, but trust me, it will get better. Teenage years and the recovery from them were some the worst points of my life. When I was 17 and 18 I attempted suicide multiple times because life was that dark and hopeless. I felt that no one could ever love me and no one would ever listen. I felt I was broken and couldn't do anything right.

The thing is, despite feeling like that, I kept trying. I found a smidgeon of hope and refused to give up the idea that tomorrow might be better. Work on something you believe that you are good at - even if there is no recognition of it. Keep sharing and talking here, having a community that understands what you're going through helps so much. Maybe seek out some therapy and stick to it for a bit - at first it might feel a bit pointless, but after a while things will click into place. Losing a parent is one of the hardest things someone can go through, especially at 15-16. I have known people who completely fell off the functioning life train when that happened to them at that age. I really suggest, at the very least, seek out some bereavement counselling. Grief can last years and will have so many ripple effects... My thoughts go out to you.

I think, as stupid as it is, online dating (and metal music...) saved me somewhat. I kept trying, there were many setbacks, but eventually, I found the person who stuck by me even though he met me at one of my lowest points. You are special and there is someone out there for you. Having an interest you love also helps to build up self worth.

You are 19... So neurologically speaking your brain will still be going in an emotional overdrive... In a couple of years, as the brain matures those emotions will calm down. I felt the change at around 22-24. By 26 things affected me less. Don't give up. Take it one day at a time and you never know, tomorrow might be brighter.

I lost my uncle back in late July and he was in the room when my dad was passing from lung cancer. It's been hell on earth for the last few months, I don't have a family car to visit my friends and get back to school. For obvious reasons I feel alone right now until that changes.

 

[Monachopia]

I lost my uncle back in late July and he was in the room when my dad was passing from lung cancer. It's been hell on earth for the last few months, I don't have a family car to visit my friends and get back to school. For obvious reasons I feel alone right now until that changes.

*sends virtual hugs your way* This won't last forever. You're strong. You've made it this far.

There's a song or two that helped me get through the worst times. At their core, they kept repeating the lines:

"Be patient. I must keep reminding myself of this." and
"Spiral out. Keep going."

Find something that keeps you going. Some mantra, something that you can cling on to. It helps in some weird way.

 

[Mattymatt]

I'm 19 high functioning Autistic male that has had to suffer through life a whole lot worse than most people. I had to endure years of bullying from students and teachers, I had my face pushed into the bleachers and knocked one of my teeth back. I'm so glad I found comedy when I did because that's one of the reasons I've resisted my dark thoughts for as long as I did. It's not easy feeling knowing that I mess up too much and drive people away. I beat myself up when I shoot myself in the foot so much whether it be from women to life in general. I've accepted the fact I'm gonna be alone for a while since I can't seem to do anything right.

I am so sorry that you've had to endure this but know that you're not alone. I am 41 and went through tremendous psychological and verbal abuse at the hands of my teachers and peers. I had one teacher in 5th grade that took perverse delight in punishing and marginalizing me in front of the entire class. This points to serious and profound problems with the education system that begins with the education, training, recruitment, and retention of teachers. Furthermore, there is no psychological testing required for teachers to try to weed out the ones with anti-social personality disorder tendencies. Children are young and impressionable. I find it very telling that police officers have to undergo extensive psychological testing and not teachers? If some of my teachers had to undergo psychological testing and evaluation, I am sure some of them never would have passed.

 

[Pats]

another one.

I always used to sing that song in my head all the time because it felt so fitting. That and Maybe Six feet ain't so far down. I remember as a teenager, the song was Beatles - Yes, I'm lonely Wanna die.
And I've spent a lot of time just waiting to die. Now I'm 60 so the time waiting was just a waste. Do the things you want to do. Maybe we're alone, but we don't have to be miserable. Like nature? Go enjoy it and take it in. Like sports? Creating something? Thing is: life comes and it's up to you what to do with it. There will be hard times, but there will also be good times - so live for the good times. And don't EVER let people in this world take that away from you. You're worth every minute or you wouldn't be here.

 

[owlet]

I can understand feeling that way - I used to feel it myself a lot until I was around 22 (my dad also died from cancer when I was in my teens). I found that writing fiction really helped a lot, because whenever I felt terrible about myself or my life, I had a project I was working on that I wanted to finish. Getting into something creative has also been shown to improve mental health significantly. That and gradually getting into a better headspace over the years means I still have depressive periods, but they're no longer the norm. It does take time, but it's important to focus on the things you can control which can make you feel better, like eating, drinking and sleeping enough, having a fulfilling hobby (or at least one you can focus on) and basically taking steps towards making your life how you would like it to be, even if it takes a long time.

 

[Theta.G]

Tough to say... The people who think of me as a loser are losers themselves. Although my definition is surely different from theirs.

Anyway. being alone isn't so bad gives you time to focus on whatever you deem important.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

I feel like loser no one wants as well.. I'm basically like the black sheep of the world. I've had bullies, fought them. I have few friends, though. I used to think EVERYONE hated me, but my family showed me love and that they are happy to see me. (I haven't visited my cousins in a while, though, because of my sensitivity to loud noise AND the fact that they do nothing all day but be on their phones and games, same as me, so... Not much dealing with that.. It's just that stage of puberty where your game or your phone and YouTube is your whole life.. LOL). When I had no friends at one point, I just agreed that I was just a nobody. Then I made a friend because at least one person was either as weird as me or they just didn't judge or mind it at all.

 

[xDominiel]

You shouldn't judge your value from how well you can fit in or do the things "normal" people do. There's no "loss" in being different. In some ways I would argue differing from the norm is preferable, a win. The bullies and morons of the world are the real losers for not seeing the potential in you and for throwing away their own to sink that low. As for "not wanted", I don't think that's true at all, and there are definitely people out there just like you, me and everyone here. You're not truly alone.