Anyone else really anxious as a child?

[Misty Avich]

And I mean REALLY anxious.
I remember when I was little I would really panic if I was unexpectedly left alone. Like when I was 4 at school the class was dismissed for playtime while I was in the bathroom, and when I came out into an empty, quiet classroom I panicked. It didn't even occur to me to just open the door and go outside where everyone else was, I just stood there in a blind panic. The teacher saw me through the window and opened the door. I ran into her arms, sobbing uncontrollably like what had just happened to me was really bad.
Another time at school, when I was 5, I didn't feel very well so was eating my lunch very slowly, and then I suddenly realised all the other children had left the lunch hall. When the dinner lady brought me outside to join my class I had a full-blown panic attack and started sobbing uncontrollably, my heart thumping really fast.

These sorts of things always caused great anxiety, like I didn't like being left alone.
I also got worried about other things, like when there was lots of mess under my bed I would worry in case I was the only person in the world who had mess under their bed, so whenever I went in someone else's bedroom I'd look under their bed for mess to reassure myself. Just the thought of being the only to do something was so frightening to me.

I grew out of this when I got to about 8 or 9, although I've never grown out of anxiety of course. I just worry about different stuff now.

Maybe all children get those sorts of worries to an extent? My (NT) mum said that when she was little all the children in the playground had to stand still when they heard the whistle blow, and she used to worry in case she moved and got into trouble, when really they didn't mean literally freeze, they just meant stop what you're playing and wait until you're told to line up.

I figured a 5-year-old worrying about such random things isn't autistic-like, because surely the typical autistic 5-year-old would worry about autistic things such as being around too many children, being somewhere too noisy, etc. I didn't worry about those things. In fact I felt more at ease when I was around other children, and noise didn't bother me too much. I didn't have sensory issues when I was small, I was just very scared and timid. Nobody knew why back then but instead of diagnosing me with an anxiety disorder they had to give me the Asperger's label instead, which I've never identified with.

 

[Rodafina]

Like when I was 4 at school the class was dismissed for playtime while I was in the bathroom, and when I came out into an empty, quiet classroom I panicked. It didn't even occur to me to just open the door and go outside where everyone else was, I just stood there in a blind panic.

Oh, this is heartbreaking! I can totally relate. That sounds awful for 4 year old you.

I, too, was extremely anxious, but very poor at expressing it. I took it all within and have created a lifetime of things that need to be undone because of it. I think one of the things that would’ve made my life easier would be to be expressive and loud just so that I could show the world what I was feeling on the inside.

 

[Progster]

I was terrified of sudden, loud noises and thunderstorms (up to the age of about 10). I used to go under the blankets if there was a thunderstorm. I got teased for it.

 

[Outdated]

I had a pretty stressful childhood but I was the opposite in that finding the classroom suddenly empty would have thrilled me. Sadly that never happened. From age 5 I started wagging school a lot, I liked being home when the house was empty and I had the place to myself. Both parents worked.

Sometimes I'd go home for lunch and not go back to school, Aussie schools don't provide lunches. Sometimes I went home at morning recess. When I was 6 I discovered it was a lot easier to just sit down the end of the street and wait until I saw Mum drive to work and then I'd go home again.

I usually only went to school 3 or 4 days a week, that got less when I got in to high school. For all those years no teacher ever said a word to my parents about me not being there, I always got straight As in exams and I think they enjoyed the status quo.

 

[Suzanne]

Definitely!

I remember being incredably frightened of the loudness of fireworks and so, whilst everyone was cooing at the beauty of them, there I was, cowering and crying and blocking my ears and even thinking: those poor animals having to cope with such an awful sound.

Waking up was torture for me, due to neglect. I also panicked at hearing the sound of birds singing, because that denoted another day of misery to me.

As for school. Play time was the worst nightmare. I begged to be left alone to do school work, but was pushed out and told to not be so silly. So, I would aimlessly walk around the school grounds, in total misery and would suddenly come alive, if a teacher happened to be walking and would have great chats and remember being said of me that it felt like they were talking to an adult, since I felt easier with adults than with my peers.

My childhood was a nightmare.

 

[NDR2]

I sure was. I was a highly sensitive child. Loud sounds and music would bother me. Sights and images could also easily scare or upset me, or feel uncomfortable in some way. Problematic things and feelings could be all around me. The trouble was that I wasn’t very talkative, and I couldn’t really express how I was feeling - or I didn’t really think to do so. Even if I did, my feelings would often be responded to with invalidation or ridicule. So I mainly kept it to myself.

Also in those days if a child was anxious it was seen as something to be changed rather than accepted.

 

[Misty Avich]

Whenever I went round other children's houses I was all chatty and silly with my friend but when around their parents I went completely mute. I seemed very shy around most adults, except for my own parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and teachers (although some aunts and uncles I was shy around). I could be quite show-offy when I was placed on a table with other children when there was a teaching assistant with us.

I didn't have a special interest until I was 11, and even that was only with certain people (such as teachers), not a specific subject. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I got diagnosed with Asperger's.
I guess I was scared of loud noises as a child, though not all loud noises. I was most scared of sudden loud noises, like fireworks, dogs, bells and balloons. A dog could be laying quietly but I'd flinch at it and panic and go "it might bark!" So I usually avoided going to people's homes who owned dogs.
My reaction and feelings to loud noises seemed to be more due to fear than sensory issues though. I was a nervous, jumpy child, so was easily startled. I still am now, although some loud sudden noises I have learnt to deal with without even jumping.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I felt constantly anxious, especially about interacting with my peers. Then there was constant anxiety about family finances. I had an idea of my father's earnings and the thing that killed my desire for things was figuring out how long my dad would have to work for it.

 

[Progster]

I remember when I was about 12, my dad got in touch with an old schoolmate who had moved into the same neighbourhood. He had a daughter about the same age as me who was very shy. So he and my dad had this brilliant idea that because both this guy's daughter and I were shy and not very talkative, we should hang out together.

So I went to her house and they had a video, Beetlejuice, and we just sat and watched it in silence because neither of us knew what to say to the other. I wonder if she is on the spectrum, too.

 

[chincey_james]

Anxiety has been so present in my life from the earliest stages that it has nearly become normalized and difficult to spot. Working from home and controlling my environment has radically reduced the anxiety, but until that point, life was a bumpy road for me even when things were going "well" on the outside.

 

[Judge]

Not until puberty.

 

[Misty Avich]

I didn't seem anxious socially, except in class, I got shy in class and was scared of being told off by the teacher in front of everyone, so that was why I forced myself to be a good student at school (hence why my ADHD got missed). I didn't really need to mask around my peers to fit in, although I got shy sometimes and had to force myself to talk to kids I didn't know very well, but that was all. Otherwise the only masking I did was in class, unless I was put in a smaller group.
Being told off by a teacher at school was my worst fear. I don't know why.

I used to love social gatherings as a kid. I found it cosy and exciting when there were lots of people all under one roof. I was a very sociable child, and I also loved surprises. One time I remember coming home from school and my cousin (same age as me) turned up with her mum and said they were sleeping the night. I was so excited to have a surprise sleepover, I went into hyperactive mode. No anxiety there.
In fact I don't think I got any anxiety at home or around family. I was just hyperactive at home.

 

[Misty Avich]

As I'm writing my autobiography (mostly based on memories) I even frown when writing some of the things that made me freak out as a small child, because I don't quite know how to explain it where the reader can relate in any way, so I just add "...for some reason" lol. That's how random and trivial some of the things were that made me go into panic attack mode lol.

Like when I was 4 I remember freaking out because a little beanbag I was holding in one of my first PE classes split. At least I think that happened, because now when I remember those little beanbags I can remember a sort of anxiety associated with them, where I became scared if them.

Another thing that freaked me out were those long springs that are often found in sofas. I remember when someone had set a mattress alight and me and my brother came across it with just rusty metal springs, and I totally freaked out. My chest went all tight and I cried and cried until my brother had to take me home. I really don't get why I was so afraid of those sorts of springs.

Just so many little things scared me and none of it was sensory-related. I used to cry when the fire drill went at school, but it wasn't the loud noise of the bell that scared me. It scared me in a creepy sort of way, a bit like how a small child might react to a horror movie. I thought the fire drill meant something bad was going to happen in the school. Maybe it stemmed from that school shooting that happened in Dunblane, which was when I started getting frightened by the fire drill. Being only 5 I didn't watch the news but I must have heard about some sort of scary thing happening in a small school just like mine, to a class of children exactly my age, so I guess I associated the fire drill with some sort of terrifying danger.

Sometimes I wonder if I was a highly sensitive child. The behaviour I expressed and the feelings I felt just didn't seem to fit the autism criteria, so I don't know how or why I even got diagnosed. I had more signs of a highly sensitive child with ADHD than autism.