Anyone hated being the problem (if you were)?

[Misty Avich]

I was a problematic child and teenager and younger adult. My mother left her diaries for us and I saw she'd written in some of them when I was age 13-14 that she 'had to cope with Misty alone' (meaning my dad didn't support her). I feel bad being the problem.
But because my mum suffered depression, anxiety, stress and envy, I think I picked up on it then responded by acting up. I wish I had been a nicer daughter who had a decent crowd of friends and didn't cause much stress. We'd often clash, and because I didn't have any friends at that age I would just spend every evening, weekend and school holiday home under her feet and demanding at her and just being stressful and challenging.

No wonder my mum got cancer and died. The stress I brought her was just indescribable. My emotions and behaviour was very challenging. I was either whining or hyperactive. It was rare that I was a happy-medium, though I was sometimes. But I caused 'madness'. My mum even called autism 'madness'. I'm not saying autism is madness but it was in my family. I caused everyone to go mad. I was just out of control, and I don't mean sex and drugs. Far from it. I just mean overexpressive, extremely emotional, the complete opposite of withdrawn. I wish I had of been more withdrawn, although I understand parents worry about their child if they're withdrawn too. I was never, ever withdrawn. I was in my mum's face, a burden on her, a challenge. Hyperactive, or screaming and crying.

God I hate myself.

 

[Ken]

Yes, but I think that is what life is all about. We are constantly learning about our place in life. When we learn something about ourself that we don't like, that means our eyes opened to something they were previously closed to. It's growing and gaining awareness. With that, we can work to correct and/or improve. In many cases, such as with me, I find there are many issues I can't fix because it is a literal part of my mechanism. Then I work on finding a workaround. In any event, my life improves and I can feel better about who and what I am.

You have learned something about yourself that you previously didn't know or acknowledge. While that may be regrettable, it is a life lesson that you can use to align yourself to something you feel better about. It's about becoming aware. In our defence, I don't think awareness is a choice. It seems that at a certain point, under a certain circumstance; dots get connected opening our eyes into awareness. Sometimes that is subtle, sometimes its a revelation.

I find such life lessons continue throughout life. I'm now in my 70's and still learning and adjusting. I guess as long as we are still breathing and conscious, and paying attention, we are learning and improving. And that goes both ways; learning how to not hurt others and learning how to not get hurt.

I regret a lot of my previous life, but I'm better now. And I'm sure as I continue into the future, there will be more regrettable parts of my present life, of which I will hopefully gain awareness and improve.

As such, life just keeps getting better.

If you are able to become aware of previous bad deeds, then you can't be a bad person. Every person on this planet is unaware of many things in their life. You just became aware of at least one. That makes you a good person.

 

[Misty Avich]

I have learnt. I'm a much better person now, and I was a better daughter for my mother in her last few years, although covid happened in her last 2 years of her life so I couldn't get to spend time with her, as I was a key worker and lived too far away, also people were getting fined for seeing their families. My mental health plummeted in 2020 and 2021 due to the lockdowns but even so I still carried on and didn't make anyone's lives a misery by my emotions. I just expressed it on Wrong Planet, but that's got to be healthier than taking it out on innocent people.

My mum's illness and death also taught me to love and cherish my family. I took them for granted way too much, especially my mother. But she did always forgive me and love me, and our bond was always strong even when I was behaving really badly.

 

[Jacks Brain]

Normal 13-14 yr old girl behavior, except sex and alcohol problems are not uncommon. I've lived through it. 13-14 yr old girls are the worst. Thankfully, things settle down a bit by 16.

 

[AspieChris]

I’m the problem right now. And I hate myself for it. It’s dragging my wife and son down.

 

[Misty Avich]

I’m the problem right now. And I hate myself for it. It’s dragging my wife and son down.

I'm sorry to hear that. I know how it feels, when you don't want to be like that yet you can't help yourself (reaction-wise). I dragged my mum, dad, brother and cat down with my mood swings, irritability, and sudden verbal outbursts.

 

[Neri]

Yes I hated it. I was sent back and forth between my Aspie Dad, who had another family by then; and my stepmother hated me, and they had a baby, my half siser, 10 yrs my jr and my stepmother didn't want me anywhere near her baby.

My mum had a second family too, by then. No body had time for me. Nobody wanted me around. I ended up giving up trying to get help from my parents and travelled interstate to an area where I live today, when I was 16. It all sucked. Was very depressing. I got abused a lot. SA. Violently attacked. Drugged and abused. Exploited. Got trapped with a narcissist for 21 yrs. All because I was, as my younger brother on my mum's side says "in the too hard basket" of my parents.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yes I hated it. I was sent back and forth between my Aspie Dad, who had another family by than and my stepmother hated me, and they had a baby, my half siser, 10 yrs my jr and my stepmother didn't want me anywhere near her baby.

My mum had a second family too, by then. No body had time for me. Nobody wanted me around. I ended up giving up trying to get help from my parents and travelled interstate to an area where I live today, when I was 16. It all sucked. Was very depressing. I got abused a lot. SA. Violently attacked. Drugged and abused. Exploited. Got trapped with a narcissist for 21 yrs. All because I was, as my younger brother on my mum's side says "in the too hard basket" of my parents.

That is really sad. I'm so sorry you went through all that.

 

[Neri]

That is really sad. I'm so sorry you went through all that.

Thank you. That means a lot.

 

[Fino]

I use my past behavior as a learning tool for current behavior and to help others as a counselor and author.

 

[Aspychata]

I use to feel like a burden, and apparently l was right. Now l see my family never had my back. Now my definition of a relationship is how much are you there for me? Otherwise we ain't got squat. I can't change those dynamics, they are hardwired into my survival fuse box. I pretty much spend 24/7 asking internally, is this guy really there for me, is this guy really there for me, which just makes me not a great partner.

 

[Misty Avich]

My parents used to walk on eggshells with me, which wasn't fair on them at all. But I had this thing where when I got angry or frustrated, adrenaline would take over and I just had to fly up in a rage (not violent though). I knew what I was doing but just couldn't control it, because the adrenaline was too strong. It's why I went on sertraline. On sertraline I still get emotions of course, but the adrenaline is less strong, even though I still have my moments but nowhere near as bad as it used to be.

What used to set these outbursts off wasn't related to sensory overload, as I don't think I've ever got that. It was related to either depression or fears, things I couldn't control. Depression often caused me to physically beat myself up, screaming that I hated my brain and that I was worthless, useless, etc, while whacking my head, irrationally thinking that it might rescramble my brain to an NT brain where I could be normal and have more friends.
Fears caused me to just melt down in a blind panic. I used to have a fear of snow, so my poor family were in for it whenever it snowed outside. I'd scream and throw things and just freak out, yelling abuse at my family and slamming doors. My poor family, especially my mum, who got it in the ear the most. I'd sometimes even wait for her to come home from work so that I could start on her. *Whirlwind of self-loathing shame here*

I'm so sorry, Mum. It's not me really, it's this horrible Asperger's. I know she knew that, which was why she was so forgiving all the time, but it still wasn't pleasant for her to come home from a hard day's work to be verbally abused and blamed because of something that wasn't her fault, like snowing.

One time I told my lovely grandmother to F-off, just because she said the wrong word to me (a word that isn't actually offensive but was to me). This was when I was 16. My mum was shocked, because she or my dad didn't bring me up to speak to my grandparents, or anyone, like that.

And people get offended when I say I hate ASD. The behaviour it caused, and this was in adulthood. I'm so scared that if I came off sertraline I might regress back to that again, which would certainly split my marriage up, because nobody is expected to put up with that.

 

[FoxLovinPat]

I dunno if this really counts for the topic as it's in the past not the present, but yeah when I was growing up I was tired of being seen as a problem child and was often made to feel bad about myself.

Nowadays tho I look back on that time with new eyes, seeing that perhaps I wasn't as much of a problem as I was led to believe. I guess yeah I was, but that was my father's perspective of me and I feel like he really could've just tried to understand me better instead of going off the rails on me so much.

I was told when I was really young and first brought into the family (I was adopted) that I was a problem child and needed to be disciplined and controlled, but I don't have the best memory of that time so I don't know how or why I was a problem child which is frustrating because part of me would like to know. I don't feel like I can trust my parents to give me an honest, unbiased answer especially when I suspect a good amount of the "trouble" was actually just me outwardly being autistic but again I don't know for certain.

Small side tangent but I'm not sure where else this could go and this thread seems fitting enough..
I also was supposedly quite the troublemaker on the bus but something young me picked up on regarding that is that it seemed like the bus driver was singleing me out specifically, but when I'd tell my father that he'd just be like "Nah you're just a problem child so you're just thinking that she is singleing you out when she isn't, you just keep causing problems.".
It wasn't until Middle School that he finally saw what I was getting at when my long term bus driver singled me out in regards to the saxophone I had to bring to school for band.. she tried to say I couldn't bring it on the bus despite other kids being able to bring their instruments no problem. After my father talked with her about it he said he understood now what I meant for all those years, however I only have his word on this that it's true.. He said that she has an Autistic kid too but that he was "not as well behaved as I was." and that she was essentially jealous and taking frustrations out on me.. it something like that anyways. Which even if that was true that wasn't a good thing to hear and perhaps I should've not been told that because that just kicked up my self consciousness and feelings of being different than the others and all the fun thoughts that come with that. *sighs*

I know the problems I caused during my teens were school related, I wouldn't study as much as I was supposed to or didn't do all my homework, etc. There was also me not really helping my father with his endless projects like he wanted me to, as well. I've actually been considering making a thread on here regarding that period of my life because I'm still trying to figure out stuff regarding it, however I'm not entirely sure where the best place to post it would be.. the Adulthood Conversation in the Private channel? It would be more personal so I dunno if I want to make it available to anyone who visits the site. But ya dunno which section of the private discussions section of the forum would be best for a thread discussing elements of my middle/high school experience.

 

[Misty Avich]

My mum obviously loved me and showed it too, but she resented the fact that I wasn't "normal". I know many autistics will gasp at that and call it abuse because if she hated my AS then it means she hated me, but that wasn't the case. I am not autism, I am me. I could still be me without the autism, except just a better version of me. I started off as NT, as far as everyone knew, then seemed to regress for a while when I was 4, which caught everyone's attention and decided it needed a label or else.

But my mum did suffer with emotional distress. She had anxiety (had a habit of overanalyzing and thinking the worst), and depression, and RSD. In fact her RSD was so bad that she advised me not to invite friends from my class to my birthday parties in case they didn't turn up and she wouldn't be able to bear seeing her kids hurt or rejected. She invited all my cousins because she trusted the family and knew all my cousins loved me and accepted me and would jump at the chance of a playdate with me.
But my mum resented the fact that I didn't have friends at school. She got angry about it, which made me feel guilty and ashamed of myself. It was because she was hurt for me but expressed it the wrong way. And I was so close to my mum, that I looked up to her and thought that everything she said was right and she was like a role model to me, and I probably inherited her anxiety, depression and RSD behaviours.
But she saw the bad in everything. If my brother didn't go out with friends, she'd worry and get on to him. But if he did go out with friends she'd also worry in case something bad would happen to him while out. I think her idea of "normal" meant her kids having hobbies and interests that they shared with a decent group of friends, the hobbies and interests being things like sports or after school clubs. Neither of her kids had hobbies or interests. All my brother was interested in was smoking and drinking, and all me and my sister were into was boys and men (even though I was rather undateable back then but that still didn't stop me from obsessing and fantasising).

So yes, I think I felt like I was a disappointment to my mum because I didn't turn out the way she might have expected. I think she felt like a failure as a parent, and would often wish her kids could "be normal", probably because she compared us to other people's kids who were getting A's, were popular and confident, and were in sports teams and were happy-go-lucky. But even if she knew other parents with kid's problems, she still compared them to us and felt miserable and angry. So that made me feel isolated and also like a burden, and is probably the reason why I resent all my cousins being NTs.

So the next time someone on the internet thinks I'm looking down on autistic people due to my attitude, it's not like that. And no, I'm not blaming my mum. She still did what was best for us, and we weren't neglected or abused or anything, but she just wasn't really programmed to bring up difficult or challenging children. I was the most difficult and challenging one, and my brother became difficult in his teens due to low self-image and depression, and my sister had some learning difficulties but it didn't seem to stop her making friends, which made me jealous and angry because I wanted friends and she made horrible friends that bullied me.
It was all awful times, and sometimes I just wish I was the good one, with the halo above my head, who was everything my mum would want me to be and not had to worry about me. But no, instead I had devil horns and was put on this earth to make my mum's life a misery.