Are School Events Worth It?

[jack_attack]

Hi,

Homecoming is in two days, and I've been on the fence about whether to go or not for weeks. I'm incredibly awkward and anxious in social situations, especially ones involving crowds, excessive background noise, and overstimulation in general. (High school assemblies are absolute torture). Also, I don't have a solid group of friends - only groups of acquaintances between whom I can bounce as a third wheel. So, homecoming and most other school events (games, other dances, etc) sound like hell.

Should I still give these things a try, just to get the experience so I don't regret missing out ten years down the line? Or is it just not worth it given my social and sensory challenges? Also, if I decide to go after all, what are some strategies to cope with these challenges?

Thanks!

~Jack Attack

 

[Tired]

I am NT, but I have a huge social anxiety and also don't have friends I can randomly bring with myself to some parties (not that I go to any). If I am forced to go somewhere (or have this fear of missing out), I go to the event and sit there for up to 2 hours, and then I'm telling how sorry I am that I need to go, and happily run away.
Drinking was helping me to cope, but because I stopped drinking alcohol, now I just prefer to stay near the person I know, and have a dialogue with them and anyone else who comes into the discussion, even tho I hate it.
If there is no one I know good enough, I just won't go.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

It sounds like you gave them a try. Do you think you will think of homecoming in ten years?

 

[Rodafina]

Hey @jack_attack
I think when we are young (and even as we age), it is a good idea to sometimes challenge ourselves and learn what our tolerances are. Some people here have reported loving big, noisy events like musical festivals or dancing events.

I think it's good not to resign yourself to the idea, "I'm autistic, I don't like big events."

BUT...

Sometimes, we give things a try and we know it's not for us. There is nothing wrong with not enjoying big events. Giving things a try to see if we like it is different than dragging ourselves to something just so we can have that experience and avoid regret later in life. "The experience" that you have at these big events may be different than what other people are experiencing.

If you do decide to go to this event, consider giving yourself an out - you can slip out whenever you want and retreat to a more comfortable place. Alternatively, you could just do something totally different that day - create your own fun experience or have a solo adventure so that you aren't just thinking about NOT going to homecoming. You're just doing your own thing.

If it is helpful to hear this, I do not regret missing out on most/all major social events in high school and college. I am 43 now and I never have feelings of wishing that I had overcome my aversion to big events. Instead of going to big events, I learned to love solo adventures, quiet spaces, and the occasional one to one connection with a friend.

 

[jsilver256]

Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone is what makes us grow. We do ourselves no favors by shutting ourselves in continuously.

At the same time, it can cause stress as well.

I don't like the spoon analogy because it is so abused IMO. But setting boundaries on myself (e.g., wearing comfortable clothing, giving myself permission to leave a venue, allowing myself to look down rather than at the crowd) has made a lot of the difference in functioning at these events - particularly the clothing part.

Would these events be more bearable if you gave yourself similar latitude?

Ideas:

- I will wear the clothing that makes me comfortable.
- I will allow myself to wear headphones/sunglasses/etc.
- I will permit myself to go to a quiet place if I feel overwhelmed.
- I will not make eye contact if I don't want to.
- I will introduce myself to 3 people, but I will not beat myself up if it doesn't go as I expect.
- I will stay for 1 hour. If I don't like it, I will leave.

 

[DrBadStrings]

Hi,

Homecoming is in two days, and I've been on the fence about whether to go or not for weeks. I'm incredibly awkward and anxious in social situations, especially ones involving crowds, excessive background noise, and overstimulation in general. (High school assemblies are absolute torture). Also, I don't have a solid group of friends - only groups of acquaintances between whom I can bounce as a third wheel. So, homecoming and most other school events (games, other dances, etc) sound like hell.

Should I still give these things a try, just to get the experience so I don't regret missing out ten years down the line? Or is it just not worth it given my social and sensory challenges? Also, if I decide to go after all, what are some strategies to cope with these challenges?

Thanks!

~Jack Attack

@jack_attack I'm going to be honest I haven't read your post. I just saw it in the new threads section and saw your avatar of a bass clef. That is awesome dude. I'm a bassist myself. My avatar is actually my bass, an Overwater by Tanglewood Jazz. Which to me is a misnomer as it has double active electronic humbuckers and not your traditional passive jazz bass pickups. Anyways that's it for me I'll try to read and respond properly later. Just wanted to say cool to see another fan of the bass here. Take care.

 

[DrBadStrings]

Hi,

Homecoming is in two days, and I've been on the fence about whether to go or not for weeks. I'm incredibly awkward and anxious in social situations, especially ones involving crowds, excessive background noise, and overstimulation in general. (High school assemblies are absolute torture). Also, I don't have a solid group of friends - only groups of acquaintances between whom I can bounce as a third wheel. So, homecoming and most other school events (games, other dances, etc) sound like hell.

Should I still give these things a try, just to get the experience so I don't regret missing out ten years down the line? Or is it just not worth it given my social and sensory challenges? Also, if I decide to go after all, what are some strategies to cope with these challenges?

Thanks!

~Jack Attack

So now that I've actually read your post I can respond as someone in their 40's that had a similar thinking to his own homecoming. Ultimately I choose to go because a very nice, but not popular, girl asked me if I would go with her. In retrospect I know think she herself may have been on the spectrum. There were uncomfortable moments at the dance but ultimately I'm glad that I went and least saw what it was about.

Could you possible do something halfway. Like go to the dance, but also have a preplanned exit strategy so you can go, see what it's all about, and then leave early should you want to. That way you get the experience but not so much that it really becomes burdensome.

 

[Judge]

The only extra-curricular event I recall attending in High School was my own graduation.
Otherwise when they occurred during school hours on the premises, attendance was mandatory.

I didn't even bother to attend my college graduation ceremonies as they weren't mandatory, and I was never a fan of social rituals in general. Though I did attend a number of dances staged for my college dormitory. Not easy, but I felt by then I needed to push myself. Easier to do given college seemed to offer much friendlier persons in comparison.

 

[blue_bird]

I'm not sure what homecoming is but I know I loathed most school events especially those done out of school hours. Assembly still gives me nightmares to this day, especially in high school. I don't know if you have ever watched the movie Dead Poet's Society but I went to a similar type of school even though it wasn't private.

There was a dance for final year high school students but I didn't attend. I couldn't get a date, to be honest but even if I could I don't really know if I would wanted to pretend as if I was comfortable in an environment which I was not. Of course avoiding all such events and never taking yourself out of your comfort zone is not good either. I guess you will have to weigh up the pros and cons of going versus not going.

 

[Rocco]

I regret not attending prom or homecoming events. If I could go back in time and convince myself to go, I absolutely would. If not for the memories then for the challenge to overcome the absurd lack of confidence I had in my youth.

 

[DrBadStrings]

I regret not attending prom or homecoming events. If I could go back in time and convince myself to go, I absolutely would. If not for the memories then for the challenge to overcome the absurd lack of confidence I had in my youth.

Ok so Homecoming and Prom are different. I thought they were different names for the same thing. Where I'm at in Canada we just have Prom for the graduates at the end of the year.

 

[VictorR]

As I understand, in the US, there are:

Homecoming: A community party week (potentially inclusive of alumni and the nearby community) near the start of the school year that ends with a dance, open to all students, and is common at both high schools and colleges. The homecoming dance is often referred to simply as "homecoming".

Prom: A formal dinner/dance, held near the end of the year, and there may be multiple proms (e.g. junior / grade 11 and senior / grade 12)

---

My question to the OP, to add to some excellent points already raised, would whether they have or expect to have other opportunities for similar events later in, in which case passing on this would not be as significant of a decision.

In my case, where I was in Canada, we don't have homecoming, though many colleges have a sort of "freshman week" which is a very toned down version (e.g. new student orientations, info fairs and presentations with different departments, student associations and clubs, and usually ending with a free community barbecue).

Student associations at larger colleges may have one or more formal dinners and/or parties each year.

 

[jack_attack]

Thanks for all the replies! You guys all raised great points that I'll definitely take into consideration. I'm leaning towards going but having an out, but I haven't made a decision yet. It will partially depend on if I can find a group despite homecoming being less than 48 hours away. Also, I just found out it's outdoors, so that should make it a bit easier from a sensory perspective.

To answer some questions, when I say "homecoming," I am referring to the dance like VictorR mentioned. And I'm a sophomore, so I'll have two more chances to go to homecoming before graduating.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I had experienced enough school-gathering things by the time I hit high school to know that I had no desire for homecoming, sporting events, or prom. I have absolutely zero regret missing any of them.

 

[All-Rounder]

If you are getting bullied by other students I wouldn't go. There is no way for the supervisor to ensure your safety especially at night and if there is sleepover. Supervisors are highly manipulated too by some students. I went to 1 vacation event in my life with students, deeply regret as it ruined my perception and enjoyment of going anywhere.

If you go I would advise you to stick around the supervisor if a reliable one exists that listens to your personal concerns and have reliable transportation plan just in case.

 

[paloftoon]

Homecoming is overly hyped. It's big for a high school, but if your high school community doesn't reasonably support you and if you don't have a good friend you can go with, you should not go if you have a choice.

I went to a dance one time with acquaintances because my family and those acquaintances pressured me. People tried to pretend to want to date me and some guys didn't want me to dance with certain girls even though I wasn't considered attractive by 95% of the crowd there.

It was a semi-humiliating experience for me and I did not enjoy myself.