Are the socially awkward more compatible?

[S0093679]

I was thinking, after a long period of contemplation (following a meltdown on Tuesday), about my social interactions with different groups of people.

For many years (I am 28 now) I was told by society and recently by the mental health system that I have a problem with socialising. I believed it. Everywhere I went, my attempts at socialising end up flopping like a warm lettuce leaf inside a McChicken Sandwich. I quite like warm floppy lettuce as it happens.


HOWEVER, I recently discover that I am an aspie and in fact not mental. I joined this community online and I feel like I belong to it. The people here seem to understand wholely and completely the troubles that I have and they (you) share the struggles that go along with being aspie.

Here is my point....... how come all us socially awkward people are ok together? We are socially awkward - that means that we ought to be awkward with each other. But no! We get along (mostly).

I hesitate to say so boldly...... is the NTs who have issues? Its a question rather than a statement. It seems so ironic that those who struggle socially seem to get along so well together, while those whose social plight seems so effortless make me shudder with anxious apprehension. Why do I feel comfortable around someone who is awkward, while I feel so trapped in the company of an NT?

 

[Aspieistj]

It is my belief that people tend to feel more comfortable among others who think and behave alike. NTs are the majority and they are comfortable when together because they have similar interests and values. We are Aspies and among NTs we are the odd guys. When we are with other Aspies we are in a like group and are better able to relax and understand each other. Social and ethnic groups tend to reinforce each other's beliefs and draw comfort from their similarities. Pack mentality--it's that simple.

 

[Licorice]

I don't think a forum is a good place to draw conclusions. Debates on subjects that always make people angry (religion, etc) aside, there's a lot less communication going on for people to be confused about. Many who don't do well offline even seek a kind of online replacement life where the anonymity allows them to feel safer and more hidden.

I've met a number of socially awkward people who made me very uncomfortable, such as by touching me without my permission, following me around, asking for personal details, etc. A number of the Aspies I used to see in school were unkind, as well, and rejected me from their groups while the NTs showed me more compassion. One Aspie even loudly announced personal problems of mine to whole rooms.

 

[Ereth]

I hesitate to say so boldly...... is the NTs who have issues? Its a question rather than a statement. It seems so ironic that those who struggle socially seem to get along so well together, while those whose social plight seems so effortless make me shudder with anxious apprehension. Why do I feel comfortable around someone who is awkward, while I feel so trapped in the company of an NT?

Everybody has issues. And though people without autism may seem confident and easygoing in social situations, they have just as many problems as we do. (Just without the added neurological fine print at the bottom of the page.)
This is another instance of not seeing the forest for the trees. We get so wrapped up in "Aspie" and "NT" crud that I think sometimes we forget that people aren't automatically doomed to be awkward if they're autistic, or confident if they're not.

People tend to relate to each other better when they've been through similar circumstances.

 

[MoCoffee]

You've made a really good point Ereth. I, for one, have been guilty of this "them or us" thinking. I think I got so caught up in finding a place where I truly felt I belonged that I was forgetting I'm still a part of the larger community. I needed to be reminded that I have far more in common with the rest of mankind than I have differences. Thank You!

 

[Archer36]

In Canada, we have an expression that says "Qui se ressemble s'assemble." ... which basically means people that has a same set of parameters, whatever they are, tend to be happy together. Which also means ... nothing at all.

Let say, me:
- Love archery
- Love motorcycle
- Dislike noisy environment
- Dislike surprises

And another human entity:
- Dislike Archery
- Dislike Motorcycle
- Love noisy environment
- Love surprises

Does that mean dislike each others ... nah ... it just means that we are different ... It appears that we both love beer, raccoon, sci-fi movies and helicopters.

I believe that being socially awkward is just one of those parameters among others. But I also believe that the parameters that heavily impact our life experience are more prone to get us closer from other people that went through the same stuff.

If a girl come see me one day and tells me :"I fully understand why you have difficulty to communicate and it's absolutely ok." She will automatically gain sexiness points in my book. (Which means I probably think there is a lot of sexy girls on this forum. )

 

[Drake Marino]

I think it has to do with the fact that it's online and somewhat anonymous, not necessarily that it's an aspie forum. I'm like, 10x more social on the forums that I belong to than irl. Honestly irl I find it harder to talk to other socially awkward people than to NTs, because they'll be just as bad as communicating as me, whereas a NT would probably be able to carry the weight of the conversation.

 

[nowwhat]

I was thinking, after a long period of contemplation (following a meltdown on Tuesday), about my social interactions with different groups of people.

For many years (I am 28 now) I was told by society and recently by the mental health system that I have a problem with socialising. I believed it. Everywhere I went, my attempts at socialising end up flopping like a warm lettuce leaf inside a McChicken Sandwich. I quite like warm floppy lettuce as it happens.


HOWEVER, I recently discover that I am an aspie and in fact not mental. I joined this community online and I feel like I belong to it. The people here seem to understand wholely and completely the troubles that I have and they (you) share the struggles that go along with being aspie.

Here is my point....... how come all us socially awkward people are ok together? We are socially awkward - that means that we ought to be awkward with each other. But no! We get along (mostly).

I hesitate to say so boldly...... is the NTs who have issues? Its a question rather than a statement. It seems so ironic that those who struggle socially seem to get along so well together, while those whose social plight seems so effortless make me shudder with anxious apprehension. Why do I feel comfortable around someone who is awkward, while I feel so trapped in the company of an NT?

Because NON-social awkwardness is defined by a restrictive set of rules and codes. it is a protocol. Following it makes you conventionally socially adept. It is a small subset of all possible behaviors. Every one of the nearly infinite other responses, postures, facial expressions, intervals of silence, etc. etc., other than one of the very few appropriate ones, constitutes social awkwardness. The fact that WE do not (can not?) follow the protocol, doesn't prevent us from making connections, we still have things to say, and still hear one another, we just aren't playing the same game as most. I think, really it's just that we're the minority, when you get down to it. Most of my closest friends are either "touched" in some way, or very cerebral, or both. I never get along with those who aren't self-aware and routinely practice the PROTOCOL.

 

[paloftoon]

It really depends on the person S0093679. I personally, have not been able to fit well in the aspie or NT world unfortunately. NTs tend to dislike my interests, are very selfish about themselves, race and my cautiousness or if I talk about drama could be a complete turnoff. In the aspie world, I tend to encounter many people who are off in their own world, if you don't fit in their narrow scope, they won't open up to you, or some lean on me but don't compromise with me and that is no fun either

 

[Ste11aeres]

In recent years, the persons I've most truly connected with have also been Aspies.

 

[Crazi]

People get along because they relate so naturally you get along better with those who you are more similar to.

 

[Judge]

The thing I've discovered while being here, is that while not all my social interactions are always positive, even with the few negative ones I feel like I have an understanding of what happened. I don't feel "in the dark" like I so often as I do in dealing with NTs.

Simply put, I don't seem to experience any social awkwardness around my own kind. I "get" them.

 

[Ste11aeres]

The thing I've discovered while being here, is that while not all my social interactions are always positive, even with the few negative ones I feel like I have an understanding of what happened. I don't feel "in the dark" like I so often as I do in dealing with NTs.

Simply put, I don't seem to experience any social awkwardness around my own kind. I "get" them.

This is exactly how it is with me and other Aspies in real life. I haven't enjoyed the interactions with all the Aspies I've encountered. But I understood every one of them.

 

[Judge]

This is exactly how it is with me and other Aspies in real life. I haven't enjoyed the interactions with all the Aspies I've encountered. But I understood every one of them.

Exactly. It's huge for me. I never really get angry here....there's no hidden agendas, nothing to second guess. I take everything at face value and don't have to worry or stew about it afterwards. A very different dynamic from dealing with the outside world. It's comforting and comfortable.

 

[Sev]

I tend to get on more with quirky people, so in my case I would say so.

 

[King_Oni]

I wish I would be as easy as this. The really socially awkward don't work for me either. Yes, my social group is an aspie exclusive group, but they're not all that socially awkward. But then again, what is socially awkward and when exactly is it a problem to socialize?

I stand up for myself and I don't have a lot of issues with a crowd. I've had my share of issues with groups, but I've also spoken out to groups without it being too much of an issue.

Do I have a problem socializing or do I make people uncomfortable that want to interact with me? I recall situations where I needed directions and walked up to someone and politely asked "Excuse me, can I ask you something?" (which of course is silly because you're already taking the liberty to blurt out a question by saying this). I've had people just pick up their stuff and increase their pace the opposite direction. I doubt it's my social skills (yet, I there are certain things regarding social etiquette I don't care for; yet those are not things regarding a one off encounter), yet if we also start running away from people who have an appearance that is based purely on preconceived notions I fear for the worst in the future.

Yet that is not to say that people who have little expectations for social etiquette (and perhaps are being seen as socially awkward by others; keyword "others") aren't among the ones I can get along with better. I just don't mix in well with all socially awkward people. In fact I think it's safe to state if you have other expectations chances increase we get along, but it's not as black and white for me.

On a related note of aspies, social awkwardness and such; I can't even start counting the times where it wasn't me that avoided eyecontact, but others looked away. Makes me feel like a silverback with a giant "avoid eyecontact at all costs" sign.

 

[paloftoon]

King, I think you and I would more likely get along. I can relate to your experiences the most. Aspies can have hidden agendas and such too. It's just not as likely because it's generally not in their nature to do so, or at least not at first.

 

[Vanilla]

I was thinking, after a long period of contemplation (following a meltdown on Tuesday), about my social interactions with different groups of people.

For many years (I am 28 now) I was told by society and recently by the mental health system that I have a problem with socialising. I believed it. Everywhere I went, my attempts at socialising end up flopping like a warm lettuce leaf inside a McChicken Sandwich. I quite like warm floppy lettuce as it happens.


HOWEVER, I recently discover that I am an aspie and in fact not mental. I joined this community online and I feel like I belong to it. The people here seem to understand wholely and completely the troubles that I have and they (you) share the struggles that go along with being aspie.

Here is my point....... how come all us socially awkward people are ok together? We are socially awkward - that means that we ought to be awkward with each other. But no! We get along (mostly).

I hesitate to say so boldly...... is the NTs who have issues? Its a question rather than a statement. It seems so ironic that those who struggle socially seem to get along so well together, while those whose social plight seems so effortless make me shudder with anxious apprehension. Why do I feel comfortable around someone who is awkward, while I feel so trapped in the company of an NT?

Of course I'm speaking in general here, but I don't believe it's particular Aspies or NTs who are socially awkward; being socially awkward comes down to two main factors; one, lack of confidence, or two, lack of understanding of the culture in which you are trying to fit in.

We get along fine here, because we are a culture of Aspies. We have a way of life, which we are all a part of, and understand. If an NT were to join this forum for the purposes of friendship, they would be the outsider, who may very well struggle to understand our culture, and so appear socially awkward to us. Think of it as dogs befriending cats. It can be done, but it requires both sides to understand and accept one another.