Are you bothered by lack of truth?

[Cosmic Light]

I've been thinking a lot lately about honesty in society and really considering just how often so many people tend to hide or withhold certain truths form others. People try so hard to protect me from those all so human 'hurt feelings,' that their first instinct seems at times to be to simply lie. "No, you didn't do anything wrong," "Oh no, I'm not disappointed that you can't make it," "That top looks fine with that skirt," etc. Now, such things aren't the easiest for me to pick up, but I've gotten the hang of it. I catch people i know in the act and I just tend to feel annoyed, not about the fact they didn't tell me, but because they thought it better to lie about it for the sake of feelings. That one's not so bad though. After all, at least i do tend to get it.

The people (and there seem to be several in my life) who just outright refrain from saying anything at all in time to fix a situation, before it becomes one in the first place, are just too much at times. I have a relative for instance who tends to get angry at me about something or other, but say and do not a thing. She'll just sit and get inwardly mad, probably dropping very subtle hints that of course being me, i miss completely, only to finally snap after I go on saying something I didn't know was a bothering anyone. The only fair reaction to that sort of thing is to assume that since I had NO clue at all I was in the wrong in any such situation, I can't be at fault for the anger of the other person. If someone had said something sooner after all, I could have quite simply tried to remedy the situation BEFORE they felt moved to a strong reaction.

I'm curious here if there are others here who might have similar feelings about lies or the withholding of truth in these kinds of situations. Is it simply the reduced comprehension of verbal and physical cues that make truth and upfront handling of things so important? Just this evening I was talking with my BF. I asked him something simple about something that should not logically have risked offence in the first place. (I wanted to know if I'd been overcharged for something.) He says in response, "Honest answer?" Of course this left me thinking of a second in confused frustration, "No, of course not. I want to be lied to, so i can just go on making the same mistake with a product I still know little about." lol, seriously why else would I have asked, other then for want of a truthful response.

 

[King_Oni]

Yes... and to paraphrase the late George Carlin (though this was not related to this subject) "it's not an annoyance, it's something that gets me into a major psychotic breakdown".

However, it seems that people do not have the skillset to be honest about something and not be offensive. Most people also can?t give constructive criticism if asked.

Example;
"how do I look?"
Common answer: "Fine"
Honest answer: "Like ****"
Actual requested answer: "I think the green skirt doesn't match up with the rest of what you are wearing, try that light blue one, as it will blend in a lot better with the rest of your outfit".

And to be honest, what's wrong with "there's something not right with your outfit, but I'm no expert... try out something else"? You don't have to be an expert in everything, but honesty does not equal blunt answers. Also; some answers and arguments are straight forward then delving in the "science of colors" or fashion, or whatever. If you paid too much for something a "yes, it's cheaper there, look it up online" is enough.

Now... I think it applies to all situations. But with that comes the argument if it's the duty of people to be as non-offensive as possible. Weirdly enough people don't think it's their duty, yet they expect people not to be offensive. Funny how that works.

And honesty goes ever further down the line if it involves companies. The best example probably is a job center or any application for a job actually. I want to hear the actual reason why I wasn't hired, so that I, in the future have a guideline to work with. I feel that a "no" does not suffice, when it's actually that I didn't qualify because I didn't have all the certificates to work that job. Afterall, they know what's wrong. Heck, if you don't want to hire people because of skincolor, religion or even their psychiatric file, so be it, but don't hide behind "no, we found other candidates"... yes, of course you have, the job needs to be filled in somehow, but why didn't I qualify? Give me a heads up so I might work with that (if possible; skincolor would be one of those that's not really negiotiable I guess).

But due to a culture where we can sue people over the silliest things, at least on a professional level people (and companies) hide behind a facade in order to not lose money and status over it. Isn't the risk in losing status or money the entire catch of honesty? Make sure you're not blunt and have valid reasons why you think something is X. It feels cheap, that because we don't have to tell people, we can just think about stuff behind closed doors and give you that easy way out; thus yes or no, without going into detail which eventually might be considered an offence by law.

As for personal situations; yes, I'm bothered by it, and in general if someone is not honest to me, I'll break off contact. That is... if I notice you're not being honest. Yes, it's pretty extreme, but I don't want to deal with people that cannot be honest and constructive about something.

I'm also surprised by all the times people ask me "do you want an honest answer?"... what do they expect? Give me some ********?

Also; similar to the reason I adressed with jobs and such, because they can make up a reason behind closed doors and don't have that obligation to tell you... I sometimes feel it's the same with people. They don't put a lot of thought in it, cause 9 out of 10 times it'll get a really ugly argument if you ask them "can you go more in depth on why this is? Do you have solid arguments?" and then it's like "erm... no" and the confess that they didn't put a lot of thought in it. For the sake of that, even be honest about "let me think about it a minute" instead of blurting out yes or no before I finished my question.

 

[Bay]

It bothers me. My reaction ranges from mild annoyance to a soul-shaking sense of betrayal, depending on the circumstances. I regard the withholding of the truth to be morally equivalent to an out-and-out lie and am baffled when others do not.

As for the everyday lies people tell, I do not really like them but I understand their purpose and function in society. And for that reason I participate in them when I must. But I do wish that others would be straight with me. I still think it is better to have hurt feelings (from which I can recover, in one way or another) from hearing something unpleasant than to labor under misconception and miscommunication.

 

[epath13]

I think for many people silence or small meaningless lie is easier to express than what they really think. Not many people can express their emotions and thought clearly, adequately and without judgement. So if everybody spoke the truth they would probably end up saying something irrational and still meaningless.

Like for instance you've had a new haircut, which doesn't look very good on you, you ask 3 people and they tell you the truth: one might say, "you hair looks like crap" - or if he/ she is polite, "I don't like it", the second would say, "I don't care", the 3rd might be a little more helpful and say, "maybe a different color would look better on you. maybe if you leave here and cut there... ". but percentage of reasonable people is very small, or should I rephrase it? people who've been trained to express themselves honestly and clearly is very small. So I think it's not about lying, it's about learning how to express yourself and, very importantly, respect yourself and others.

think about it this way, like it case of your relative, she probably wouldn't be able to say exactly what she's annoyed with and even if she did, it probably wouldn't make sense to you.

ok, in some cases people who withhold the truth are capable of being reasonable with explanations, but still, they have to understand the need in different behavior. What I'm trying to say, in many cases people can't just switch and be honest, and it's not entirely their fault.

that's just something that has come to me currently.

one more thing, in many cases all you can do is just let go, and ... possibly... with your own behavior try to show how it's done.