Are you happy with that?

[Ladyliss]

Hi all. NT here, trying to understand relationship failure and now co-parenting with my undiagnosed but I'm quite sure HFA ex husband. I think I've had a breakthrough! So posting here in case it's of use to others.

The breakthrough is this:

STOP ASKING HIM IF HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMETHING.

That may sound weird, because I still care about him and our coparent relationship a lot, but I realised it means something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to me than to him.

I used to think he was the least constructive person in the universe (no offence guys, it was a misunderstanding ) because every time I asked if he was happy to do something, he would list the things about it that made him unhappy.

Now usually when I say 'are you happy with that?' what I mean is 'considering all of the available alternatives and their consequences, do you agree that this is the most preferable option, and that we should do it?'.

What I now think he was probably hearing was literally, 'would doing this make you happy?'. Often, because we're in negotiations about difficult decisions when I use this phrase, no option is ideal and therefore none would make him actually HAPPY. So he answers my question with a list of reasons about why it won't make him happy. And I look at him like 'what the actual hell, how am I supposed to work with this' expression and ask if he's proposing something different. And he says he's not, (because, he's not). Then I end the conversation feeling like he's impossible and uncooperative, and why do I have to figure everything out anyway?

Lesson: next time I will set something much more literal, like 'what would you like to do?' or 'would you prefer A or B?'.

I know this seems like a small thing, but now that I think about it, it came up all of the time, even over quite serious things.

Building my 3D mental model of his mind... Slowly, I shall get there!!!

Hope this enlightens someone else

 

[Suzanne]

STOP ASKING HIM IF HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMETHING.

That may sound weird, because I still care about him and our coparent relationship a lot, but I realised it means something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to me than to him.

Bravo you, NT lady, for figuring that out!

When ever I am asked this, I flounder very much, which frustrates my husband. Where as if my husband said: are you happy looking at the scenery? I can answer immediately, whether I am or not.

least constructive person in the universe (no offence guys, it was a misunderstanding ) because every time I asked if he was happy to do something, he would list the things about it that made him unhappy.

My husband would echo what you say here.

Now the thing is, what if he answered: no, not really? What then?

hearing was literally,

Yep and I did not even realise it, until it was my husband saying it, in complete exasperation! You need to state very clearly and directly what you mean. My husband, as yet, fails to do so, which causes many meltdowns for me.

Would he be an ex, because of these issues?

The little things are the most profound.

 

[Streetwise]

it would be better to say i DONT want my child doing whatever !of course realising that you will compromise on certain situations!
so there is no misunderstanding! thats how i cope

Hi all. NT here, trying to understand relationship failure and now co-parenting with my undiagnosed but I'm quite sure HFA ex husband. I think I've had a breakthrough! So posting here in case it's of use to others.

The breakthrough is this:

STOP ASKING HIM IF HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMETHING.

That may sound weird, because I still care about him and our coparent relationship a lot, but I realised it means something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to me than to him.

I used to think he was the least constructive person in the universe (no offence guys, it was a misunderstanding ) because every time I asked if he was happy to do something, he would list the things about it that made him unhappy.

Now usually when I say 'are you happy with that?' what I mean is 'considering all of the available alternatives and their consequences, do you agree that this is the most preferable option, and that we should do it?'.

What I now think he was probably hearing was literally, 'would doing this make you happy?'. Often, because we're in negotiations about difficult decisions when I use this phrase, no option is ideal and therefore none would make him actually HAPPY. So he answers my question with a list of reasons about why it won't make him happy. And I look at him like 'what the actual hell, how am I supposed to work with this' expression and ask if he's proposing something different. And he says he's not, (because, he's not). Then I end the conversation feeling like he's impossible and uncooperative, and why do I have to figure everything out anyway?

Lesson: next time I will set something much more literal, like 'what would you like to do?' or 'would you prefer A or B?'.

I know this seems like a small thing, but now that I think about it, it came up all of the time, even over quite serious things.

Building my 3D mental model of his mind... Slowly, I shall get there!!!

Hope this enlightens someone

 

[Ambi]

Hi all. NT here, trying to understand relationship failure and now co-parenting with my undiagnosed but I'm quite sure HFA ex husband. I think I've had a breakthrough! So posting here in case it's of use to others.

The breakthrough is this:

STOP ASKING HIM IF HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMETHING.

That may sound weird, because I still care about him and our coparent relationship a lot, but I realised it means something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to me than to him.

I used to think he was the least constructive person in the universe (no offence guys, it was a misunderstanding ) because every time I asked if he was happy to do something, he would list the things about it that made him unhappy.

Now usually when I say 'are you happy with that?' what I mean is 'considering all of the available alternatives and their consequences, do you agree that this is the most preferable option, and that we should do it?'.

What I now think he was probably hearing was literally, 'would doing this make you happy?'. Often, because we're in negotiations about difficult decisions when I use this phrase, no option is ideal and therefore none would make him actually HAPPY. So he answers my question with a list of reasons about why it won't make him happy. And I look at him like 'what the actual hell, how am I supposed to work with this' expression and ask if he's proposing something different. And he says he's not, (because, he's not). Then I end the conversation feeling like he's impossible and uncooperative, and why do I have to figure everything out anyway?

Lesson: next time I will set something much more literal, like 'what would you like to do?' or 'would you prefer A or B?'.

I know this seems like a small thing, but now that I think about it, it came up all of the time, even over quite serious things.

Building my 3D mental model of his mind... Slowly, I shall get there!!!

Hope this enlightens someone else

Yes, I absolutely hate when people ask if I'm happy with something, if I'm okay, even how I'm doing or how was my day - these are really complex questions when taken literally - and the people who ask them apparently don't mean them that way, which is frustrating in two ways then, because I have to stop my sense of being overwhelmed by the question while also trying to figure out what phony response they want and initiate that phony response.

 

[Ambi]

Hi all. NT here, trying to understand relationship failure and now co-parenting with my undiagnosed but I'm quite sure HFA ex husband. I think I've had a breakthrough! So posting here in case it's of use to others.

The breakthrough is this:

STOP ASKING HIM IF HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMETHING.

That may sound weird, because I still care about him and our coparent relationship a lot, but I realised it means something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to me than to him.

I used to think he was the least constructive person in the universe (no offence guys, it was a misunderstanding ) because every time I asked if he was happy to do something, he would list the things about it that made him unhappy.

Now usually when I say 'are you happy with that?' what I mean is 'considering all of the available alternatives and their consequences, do you agree that this is the most preferable option, and that we should do it?'.

What I now think he was probably hearing was literally, 'would doing this make you happy?'. Often, because we're in negotiations about difficult decisions when I use this phrase, no option is ideal and therefore none would make him actually HAPPY. So he answers my question with a list of reasons about why it won't make him happy. And I look at him like 'what the actual hell, how am I supposed to work with this' expression and ask if he's proposing something different. And he says he's not, (because, he's not). Then I end the conversation feeling like he's impossible and uncooperative, and why do I have to figure everything out anyway?

Lesson: next time I will set something much more literal, like 'what would you like to do?' or 'would you prefer A or B?'.

I know this seems like a small thing, but now that I think about it, it came up all of the time, even over quite serious things.

Building my 3D mental model of his mind... Slowly, I shall get there!!!

Hope this enlightens someone else

The only thing that confuses me though.....is that I don't think the Aspies here need to be enlightened about this, we already know! It is you that have learned something about us, but good for you!

 

[Momo]

It's a real breakthrough you have there! It's as though you can read my mind

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Hi all. NT here, trying to understand relationship failure and now co-parenting with my undiagnosed but I'm quite sure HFA ex husband. I think I've had a breakthrough! So posting here in case it's of use to others.

The breakthrough is this:

STOP ASKING HIM IF HE'S HAPPY WITH SOMETHING.

That may sound weird, because I still care about him and our coparent relationship a lot, but I realised it means something TOTALLY DIFFERENT to me than to him.

I used to think he was the least constructive person in the universe (no offence guys, it was a misunderstanding ) because every time I asked if he was happy to do something, he would list the things about it that made him unhappy.

Now usually when I say 'are you happy with that?' what I mean is 'considering all of the available alternatives and their consequences, do you agree that this is the most preferable option, and that we should do it?'.

What I now think he was probably hearing was literally, 'would doing this make you happy?'. Often, because we're in negotiations about difficult decisions when I use this phrase, no option is ideal and therefore none would make him actually HAPPY. So he answers my question with a list of reasons about why it won't make him happy. And I look at him like 'what the actual hell, how am I supposed to work with this' expression and ask if he's proposing something different. And he says he's not, (because, he's not). Then I end the conversation feeling like he's impossible and uncooperative, and why do I have to figure everything out anyway?

Lesson: next time I will set something much more literal, like 'what would you like to do?' or 'would you prefer A or B?'.

I know this seems like a small thing, but now that I think about it, it came up all of the time, even over quite serious things.

Building my 3D mental model of his mind... Slowly, I shall get there!!!

Hope this enlightens someone else

Flexibility on both sides = relationship.

At least you know he's not lying to you.

Although a lot prefer to receive lying it seems

 

[Judge]

Well, let's hope he doesn't have comorbid clinical depression as well. Otherwise asking or even implying whether or not he's "happy" is tantamount to asking someone if they could use a third nipple.

AWKWARD!

 

[Ladyliss]

Thanks guys

Now the thing is, what if he answered: no, not really? What then?

That would actually be fine. I can't speak for the whole NT tribe here but I am actually asking a question when I say this. If the answer is no, I'd ask what he prefers or propose something else.

It's a real breakthrough you have there! It's as though you can read my mind

Great! That probably means I'm on track

it would be better to say i DONT want my child doing whatever !of course realising that you will compromise on certain situations!
so there is no misunderstanding! thats how i cope

Yeah, I think you're right, I do need to find a new way to do this. I say "are you happy with x" more in situations where I think there are multiple options that I would find acceptable, and I'm proposing one of them and want to know if he agrees. Maybe my new version should be "I think x is the best option, do you agree?". He pretty much passes for NT to anyone but me, so it's tricky to keep what is a "subtle" (to me) but very significant difference in mind.
with

AWKWARD!

lol

The only thing that confuses me though.....is that I don't think the Aspies here need to be enlightened about this, we already know! It is you that have learned something about us, but good for you!

Yes it is definitely I who have learned. I am thinking more of those other NTs who stalk the forums for insight into their relationship with ASD others. There are quite a few! Does it help to know my translation for "are you happy with that?". (For me it = "do you agree with what I have proposed?").

Would he be an ex, because of these issues?

Unfortunately I think so, yes. Our emotional and physical relationship had ground to a halt, he seemed to be increasingly angry (which I now think is probably his distress at the disorder two kids have brought to the house), and he started having what were probably meltdowns.

Once he stabbed a knife into a chopping board in front of me because he thought I wasn't looking after it properly. I am not sure if this was a meltdown or just really bad judgement - it came out of nowhere and he seemed quite calm doing it - but it certainly put me into "meltdown". I gave him three options:

1) Promise me that will NEVER happen again
2) Get more psychological help RIGHT NOW (he is not diagnosed)
2) Move out now, and then do what you need at your own pace

He couldn't quite do number 1, said he'd try his best but couldn't promise - which makes no sense to someone who doesn't have (and didn't know anything about) meltdowns so didn't accept that. He said no to number two (hates seeing professionals) so he chose number three. And once we weren't living together I think he was too ashamed to work on things with me and / or didn't want to pursue treatment and / or just decided that it couldn't work out in any case, and so he ended the relationship.

 

[Ladyliss]

Flexibility on both sides = relationship.

At least you know he's not lying to you.

Although a lot prefer to receive lying it seems

And yes I do actually appreciate that. He could have lied, for example, in response to "promise me you'll never do that again". It would have been easier but he didn't. One of the reasons I've slowly, and finally deduced that ASD might be at the heart of our differences.

 

[Ambi]

Thanks guys

Yes it is definitely I who have learned. I am thinking more of those other NTs who stalk the forums for insight into their relationship with ASD others. There are quite a few! Does it help to know my translation for "are you happy with that?". (For me it = "do you agree with what I have proposed?").

I did not realize that - if there are NT lurkers here, then I truly hope this forum helps them!

As for that guy stabbing the knife into the cutting board and his reaction to what you said - I think that is too scary to risk keeping in your life! No offense, but imho, good thing he chose to leave! That is the kind of first step that can absolutely escalate further in the future. And that is crazy that he said it was because you weren't "taking care" of the knife - your feelings and your welfare are more important than that knife, talk about the wrong priorities :-(

 

[Keigan]

Asking an aspie about how they feel, disaster.

Ask him about a logical decision.

'Are you good with that" = response of Yes or No

'Are you happy with that" = shutdown because I have to figure out what happy means towards the topic, then response might be varried