Argument

[Ruby_Aspergic]

This is an argument I just had with one of my friends. His sister has aspergers so he has been talking to me a lot about how I feel about things the last four days, because he has asked. Just a few moments ago I posted a facebook note to a few of my friends confessing that I've been diagnosed and explaining what that means. I have been wanting to do that all week and it took a lot of courage to do it. And then this...


Ruby (3:50:41 AM): my mom is treating me like i am diseased
Ruby (3:51:14 AM): i really cant handle any negativity. if someone wants to actually talk to me about something then thats fine, but if they are just going to decide they think im retarded now i dont want to deal with them.
Ruby (3:52:19 AM): like actually. she is acting like she thinks she's going to catch it from me.
Him (3:52:45 AM): that would be funny if it wasn't extremely sad
Ruby (3:53:04 AM): its funny given that i am 99% sure my dad really does have it.
Him (3:53:31 AM): well i doubt you will have any way to get him screened
Ruby (3:54:12 AM): he could get screened the same way i did if he wanted to, but im sure he wouldnt
Ruby (3:54:25 AM): i suspect he would probably be able to afford to pay, too, he hoards money
Him (3:56:43 AM): forgive me for being blunt, but i think you are focusing too much on autism.
Ruby (3:56:52 AM): how can i NOT?
Ruby (3:56:57 AM): i was diagnosed four days ago
Him (3:57:09 AM): i realize it's a very significant diagnosis, but you're still the same person, and it's not like there's any rush to become the expert
Him (3:57:16 AM): you still know yourself
Ruby (3:57:20 AM): theres a rush to not be CLUELESS about the thing ive just been diagnosed with
Him (3:57:25 AM): you're not clueless though
Him (3:57:32 AM): you know everything there is to know about ruby
Ruby (3:57:51 AM): whatever, ill just stop talking about it to you
Him (3:57:58 AM): that's not what i said
Ruby (3:58:31 AM): clearly you have no idea what the last four days have been like for me, and if youre going to call me out when you dont have a ****ing clue what you're talking about, i dont need to share it with you
Him (3:59:14 AM): i am just concerned that you're using autism to define yourself
Ruby (3:59:27 AM): what would give you that idea?
Ruby (3:59:55 AM): do you not think it is natural after recieving a major diagnosis of a behavioral and personality issue that you would have to figure out how that diagnosis fits in with your definition of yourself?
Him (4:00:14 AM): i am sure it is
Ruby(4:00:22 AM): i guess i needed to get over it in a day
Him (4:00:41 AM): i think you are misunderstanding me
Him (4:01:08 AM): you mentioned the other day that you had the feeling of not knowing where ruby ends and autism begins
Ruby(4:01:27 AM): yeah, and i have to wrestle with that until i am able to figure out how i feel
Him (4:01:47 AM): it's not something to wrestle with, the way i see it
Him (4:01:50 AM): it's all ruby
Ruby(4:01:58 AM): how the **** do YOU know what it is?
Ruby(4:02:02 AM): better than me?
Ruby(4:02:03 AM): seriously
Ruby(4:02:06 AM): what are you thinking
Him (4:02:21 AM): what do you mean?
Ruby(4:02:33 AM): you do not get to tell me what i should think about being diagnosed with autism.
Him (4:03:02 AM): well i guess i don't get to voice concern over what you're thinking either
Him (4:03:09 AM): i'm not trying to accuse you of anything
Him (4:03:16 AM): or even say that you're doing anything wrong
Ruby(4:03:39 AM): youre criticizing my coping process
Him (4:03:44 AM): i'm just saying that you're under a lot of stress, and maybe just taking a step back and taking a breather for a day would be beneficial
Him (4:03:45 AM): and i'm not
Ruby(4:04:07 AM): yes you are.
Him (4:04:14 AM): no i'm not
Him (4:04:21 AM): you're looking for criticism where there is only concern
Ruby(4:04:34 AM): why would you be concerned if there wasnt a criticism?
Ruby(4:04:44 AM): you wouldnt be concernerd if you didnt see a flaw in the way i am handling things
Ruby(4:05:03 AM): and it's really not your business. im sorry i shared it with you.
Him (4:05:16 AM): i am sorry you feel that way
Him (4:05:29 AM): i don't think that's fair
Him (4:06:36 AM): but either way, i'm not apathetic or angry.
Him (4:06:55 AM): and still always open for conversation and discussion
Ruby(4:07:22 AM): so you can just tell me im doing it wrong some more
Him(4:08:28 AM): i really don't understand why you are being so defensive
Ruby(4:08:39 AM): because you're being offensive.
Him (4:09:23 AM): i am not being offensive
Ruby (4:09:38 AM): so you get to decide what offends me, too, right?
Him (4:09:46 AM): goodnight ruby.


I thought I made huge progress today toward healthier attitudes. I'm sorry that being diagnosed with AUTISM wasn't something I could get used to in a day. Whatever.

 

[Chris]

Sorry to differ... but I really think you were harsh on him. :/ How close of a friend is he?

A lot of people with AS believe AS represents who they are and how they see the world, not as a defect of their regular self... which is what it sounds like you think it is from that. He's trying to say, everything you are up until now is you. It isn't separated into things that are truly your personality and things that are due to AS. It's all as one. Hope I haven't offended you, probably rambled a little - but that's how I treat it.

 

[gamers1700]

What Chris said. You might think of apologizing, he seems like a very understanding and good friend.

 

[Chris]

Just to add - I understand you're having a tough time, it's a lot to take in and it's still raw in your mind with it being so recent, so you probably don't want to hear any differing opinions. But you have to just step back, take a deep breath and calmly think things through - especially when interacting with others. I think friends are even more valuable to the AS population - it's not often people will 'stick around'.

 

[Ruby_Aspergic]

It's not that I have a problem with him telling me autism isn't a defect, I have a problem with the fact that he's telling me how much I should be thinking about this stuff. Maybe you have to know him to tell, but he basically told me I was talking about it too much. Who is he to say how I am supposed to cope? I DON'T view it as a defect, but it has been confusing for me to try and figure out a way to wrap my mind around things, it is very strange to have your every behavior assigned a medical diagnosis all the sudden. How can he expect me to be over it already in four days? Four days during MIDTERM examinations no less, when I have been completely physically and intellectually drained and have barely even had any time to think about it. I am still trying to figure things out and he basically told me I need to stop thinking about it. And when I told him that I just needed to sort through how I feel, he told me it's not something to be sorted through-- how does he have any idea? I just take issue with someone who has never been even remotely close to in my shoes telling me that I am reacting to something wrong-- after four days. I feel kind of betrayed that he reacted like that, I wouldn't have shared so many thoughts about this with him if I knew he was going to be so judgmental of my coping process. He asked me how I was feeling, he started talking about it, and then all of the sudden I was focusing on it too much. He's the one who keeps asking what I am thinking. I think I am entitled to cope in my own way. If he doesn't want to hear about it he doesn't have to, but he doesn't get to tell me I'm wrong either.

For me, this has actually been a pretty happy four days. I have really enjoyed sorting through all the different thoughts and ideas-- and especially all the memories that now suddenly make more sense than they did before. Occasionally I hit a snag, it lasts a half hour tops, and then I realize I am wrong and I feel better. He caught me during one bad moment yesterday that lasted about a minute and is now trying to tell me I am coping wrong. I think I am doing a pretty good job, and I felt like he was undermining my progress. I'm focusing on it too much when I am spending my time gaining understanding of my condition and finding ways to appreciate the positives? What? When one is completely blindsided by a medical diagnosis it seems to me they're entitled to a few days to adjust without being told they're adjusting wrong. I mean what the hell.


ETA: BY THE WAY. This is the same friend that, when I told him I was diagnosed on Monday, told me not to tell anyone and that he wished I hadn't told him (but then kept talking about it anyway), because it is something to be ashamed of. He was the one encouraging me to hide this from people like it's something bad, when that wasn't what I wanted to do,and when I finally did what /I/ wanted and was feeling pretty good about it he had to come tell me that I am focusing on this too much. Maybe he can put big life changes on the shelf and not think about them before he finishes making peace with it, but I can't. And there's no need to CONFRONT me about it. It's partially his fault I got so confused in the first place, because he was the first person I told and he reacted really negatively when I was expecting his support.

 

[Chris]

That's fair enough - I don't know him, so I can hardly judge his character... but don't write him off. It sounds like the fact you were having a bad moment or so may have blown things a little out of proportion. Give it a few days till you get back on your feet properly and know where you stand with yourself then maybe start talking again properly if you're not already?

 

[Ruby_Aspergic]

Part of it was that I was having a GOOD moment, not a bad one, and he tried to turn it into something bad. I admitted to my friends that I have autism, I was proud of myself, and less than a minute later he is lecturing me about focusing on this too much. I'm not going to stay mad at him or anything, I just don't think I am comfortable discussing autism with him anymore. I wouldn't let any argument get in the way of a friendship, I am just feeling really indignant. He just thinks he knows everything, and he's never been through anything like this-- this is the second time something like this has happened to me, I just found out last year that I have LDs and that I have the mathematics ability of a 10 year old. How could he think he knows better than I do what I need to be doing right now? He also told me last summer that I was making too big of a deal of being raped. And when I told him I was thinking of being screened for autistic spectrum disorders, he said I was being stupid. He is so quick to throw in his opinion about how my FEELINGS are wrong that I can't help but wonder if he's on the spectrum himself. Not exactly Mr. Tact.

That isn't to say that I wish I hadn't lost my composure, but damn am I getting annoyed with him!