AS/BPD/Dissociation? I view personalities in a fragmented way

[Ice Blue Deer]

I can't express myself well and I have a hard time coping with my own and other people's emotions and their intentions. (I haven't been diagnosed but it takes so long before I get a diagnosis, I just want to see if anyone could relate or understand).

I am not able to see the personality of a person, it's fragmented and usually I almost only remember the time that impacted me negatively or the last time I had seen the person. The last memory of this person I have in my head, shapes the personality.

Now I've read in a book about autism that autistic people do pick up on the whole, but zoom into details. I don't pick up on the whole, I see things scattered, as if they are not connected and half of everything people say I miss and I sometimes don't even understand what they're saying. Words can be scattered things without me seeing the whole. I may seem slow. I also forget a lot, even if it's important.

Sometimes I feel like I don't pick up on social cues, but people don't seem to tell me, so perhaps I'm just paranoid, but most of the people at my job are really kind, so I guess they also won't tell me when I say something awkward. I get stuck in that thought. It feels like it's more than just social anxiety.

Viewing personalities fragmented sounds a bit like BPD (borderline). I know I can't self-diagnose and I know that nobody else can do that for me, but I'm trying so hard to understand myself. I often hate people, then I love them again. Then I hate them so much, they're disgusting!

It's also like people are unpredictable.

Could it be severe dissociation (forgetfulness, overall brain fog), BPD-traits ((borderline) together with some paranoia, including temporary obsessive jealousies) or is this also a characteristic of Asperger's?

Sometimes I think it's ADHD. But I'm going a little far with thinking about such a range of disorders, don't I?

I have been tested for ADD but I don't have it. I feel handicapped. It seems to become worse. I need to watch out or else I'll stare or make an unusual movement in ways that other people don't, even though people seem to handle that well. My colleague today said "Always be yourself! =)" when I did something odd. Are these people unique or am I actually quite normal? I fiddle and stare a lot. I feel like I lack an identity. I drop a lot of stuff, I'm chaotic and the way I see things with my eyes is also fragmented, which will cause me to miss customers behind the bar, always losing my cup of tea. My nerve system is also extremely sensitive.

 

[Datura]

I have heard of people on the spectrum breaking their own personality down into fragments, but never doing this with the personalities of others. However; a lot of what you describe, such as only seeing someone as you last remember them, seems to be in line with the "black and white thinking" that is commonly spoken of. Many of your other symptoms also sound in line with ASD, but I am not a psychiatrist and thus in no position to diagnose anybody.

From what you describe it seems like your co-workers are very accepting people. This is good. I know it's easier said than done, but perhaps you shouldn't worry as much how you come off to them, as they don't seem bothered from your description.

 

[Ice Blue Deer]

I have heard of people on the spectrum breaking their own personality down into fragments, but never doing this with the personalities of others. However; a lot of what you describe, such as only seeing someone as you last remember them, seems to be in line with the "black and white thinking" that is commonly spoken of. Many of your other symptoms also sound in line with ASD, but I am not a psychiatrist and thus in no position to diagnose anybody.

From what you describe it seems like your co-workers are very accepting people. This is good. I know it's easier said than done, but perhaps you shouldn't worry as much how you come off to them, as they don't seem bothered from your description.

I thought I had replied to you! Sorry.
Yeah it could be ''black and white thinking'' indeed. Yeah, I'm going to try to be less bothered by how I come off to them.
Perhaps I was in a really bad anxiety state which I couldn't get out of, that seemed to mimic disorders, but perhaps has more of a 'psychotic' origin as well. I've also had very bad paranoia, but also sensory problems and often being confused. Things had and sometimes have huge meaning, which isn't/wasn't realistic. Anti-psychotics helped against paranoia, sensory problems, confusion and all that stuff. But not against not knowing how long to maintain eye contact. But perhaps that has its origin in anxiety as well.