AS could use outside persepective on relationship

[Desiertx]

Things go well enough with my partner of almost a year. We are deeply in love with each other and both express wanting to be together for the long haul. Also he is NT. He is very confident in himself and his understanding of his needs. He can and prefers to express things very directly, not easily intimidated by tension.
And those things are very attractive to me. I respect his skills deeply.
But I'm not the same way and go figure we have a lot of communication issues because of it.
I'm very quiet. My voice is very fickle and tempermental and withdrawals quickly.

initially our conversations revolved a lot around me needing to build skills in relating or communicating, learning how to reach out, and share myself, my emotions etc. and after months of my partner having a growing sense of frustration and neglect he snapped at me verbally. That's when I decided to bring up autism. I've tried to avoid it a lot over the years, not caring for diagnoses and looking for different languages to describe my experiences that aren't medical.

But that was hard for him. He's considerate and didn't say it but I know he felt really trapped by it, distrusting it.
We've worked through that a little.
But we haven't gotten past at all his being really hurt by my withdrawals.
I get exhausted and worn out and my voice is the first thing to go.
He thinks I'm selfish and says it constantly. When ever we have issues that's his go to comment.
He thinks my unwillingness to say when something is going on is cold and heartless.
basically I mean that he is very caring of me but is obviously not getting his emotional needs met that are very important to him.

But it happens when I am so deeply worn out and can't externalize anymore.

I'm trying to understand how to balance the awareness of his hurt and him having needs to understand what I'm experiencing, for emotional openness.to balance that with my own cycles of depletion and introversion and the almost complete dissolve of my ability to verbalize myself.

The recent example is me knowing I really need to bring up certain things pertaining to our agreements in our relationship but feeling way too tense and unsure of myself to. feeling too much like I would be instantly overwhelmed if I did. so feeling stagnant. then feeling sad, then feeling trapped. then trying to differentiate what in this block is me needing to work through my stuff and what is me needing to stand up to him to get my own needs met.
then cycling really hard through trying to understand in what ways my feelings are valid. and never really believing I'm right enough to speak up. then I withdrawal. And I know that doesn't feel good to him because he's left hanging. and its hard for me to remove myself. to say I need to be somewhere else for a while. because I want to be able to offer him closeness. so I get stuck in limbo where I'm not getting the alone time I need to work through my emotions and i'm still with him but not expressing the things I really need to with him so not actually building the closeness I want to offer.
and now he's upset. and says im selfish heartless and cold.
His words feel really harmful but I also understand that he hurts and is isolated and I want to make up for that.
and the topics that originally created tension in me are still not being talked about because now we are having a meta argument about my ****** communication.

I mostly want comparisons that hold potential solutions to working through things.
or any ideas that can break through these kinds of blocks.

 

[Streetwise]

What I remember from psychology is what is the most important to each of you individually?you will receive the answer from that question.
I don't honestly think I would arrive at an answer as my default is anxiety but you know you

 

[Suzanne]

I am married to a very insecure and sensitive nt and being that I am also very insecure and sensitive, it tends to cause a heck of a lot of friction.

What I have taken to doing, is writing down my feelings and sending them to him. He does mock me about this, but that is because he cannot really be bothered with it all and so will say: for goodness sake, woman. Why can't you use your mouth? Sometimes I get a sense of crushness, but sometimes I say: what is wrong with putting my feelings on paper? He generally cannot answer back.

So, what is clearly happening in your relationship, is that he is expecting you to be a replica of himself and because you are not, he feels unhinged.

Is he the type of person to do research? Because if he is, find an article on female aspergers and get him to read it.

My husband sees my "condition" as something against him, but amazingly, recently, instead of saying he will only be a few minutes, he actually corrected himself and said he will be 5 minutes and all was well.

He feels hurt that I do not like to touch him. Because he gets a lot of emotional feelings, when he touches me, he cannot fathom I am the opposite! I am just touching a body and it feels nasty!

I actually forget to be romantic, so it is hard going.

So, to sum it up:

Write or type out your feelings.

Get information on what female aspergers is like.

And in your letter, state what you need from him.