• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

ASD and honesty

Geordie

Geordie

Geordie
It's said that people with autism and Asperger's are honest. They can say things so bluntly that even shock the NTs.

Honesty is always a main rule ASDs abide by, in my observations.

I had this example of ASDs just telling people bluntly, 'I don't agree with my fellow autistic friends' views. They expect help and support to drop from the sky... There should be more exclusivity to ward out such people who sap, more than aid our abilities to support an autism community for all' - even if they themselves, by making such a statement, do not really 'how fortunate they are', considering those Aspies who really worked hard to overcome their issues, but still have to face huge issues that they alone cannot face - though these are also highly likely to be the Aspies who need to push extra harder, much more than they do now, to achieve their personal successes.

That aside... Is it worth it to be honest, to be silent, or to be selectively honest while considering the other person's reactions to what we say?
 
I think I'm quite honest. Mind you, I do stuff that might get me in trouble, yet I haven't told a lie to anyone directly. I found my way around them, but that's not lying, technically speaking. That's more of a game of "how someone asks the question". For instance, if a policeman would ask me "did you drink?" yeah sure, he didn't state when, so I will reply yes. He also didn't state "did you drink any alcohol between now and the past 6 hours?". I don't feel bad for just replying an honest answer to a kinda "incomplete' question. I've been at policestations because of this and I don't particularly care as I'm confident enough to believe I am still correct.

So, yes I believe in honesty, I sometimes keep my mouth shut, but just like I am expected to understand "social convention", it seems some people do not understand the hint that you don't push a person into telling the truth when they're quite adamant about the entire "it's better not to tell you".

I do however, while I can be quite "blunt" express an opinion based with constructive criticism. Last year when I was going out with my then GF, she was at my place and she dressed up and all. So she asked me "does this look ok?". I told her "no it looks horrible!". She got quite upset, but she also knew, she could ask me why and I'd give her a decent answer. In the end I went through the stuff she had with her and told her "wear this and this, do your make up like this". People at the club commented her on the way she dressed in a positive way.

So yeah, I am honest, I am blunt, but I do back it up.

However, I have stated, that I rather die than be in a position where I have to lie... that is quite, well... "extreme" I guess, but that's a bit of the vibe I have going on since I was just entering my teens where I already was about "I rather die for my ideals".
 
I've had a thread about honesty :
http://www.aspiescentral.com/asperg...sion/1398-people-aspergers-dont-cant-lie.html

And I believe there's different type of honesty. One thing if you state a fact... let's say one kid says to another: " your face is dirty" when it is actually covered with some jelly or something and another thing is to express your personal opinion in a way as if it is a fact. like for instance, one person says to another, "your hair looks funny". To him/ her it might be a fact, while it is actually just an opinion.

If you state an opinion, other people might agree or disagree. Some might react a little aggressively and you would have to be ready for that. But I don't really think it has much to do with honesty - the spectrum disorders kind, when you don't really know what's appropriate according to common social rules and what is not. Like for instance one of the unspoken or unwritten rules is that you shouldn't speak negatively about or make fun of something that is important, emotionally valuable to other person because you can hurt his/ her feeling, and people should try to stay nice to each other. Lots of people still do it for many reasons, but not for the reason that they don't recognize what will hurt other person's feelings and what will not, or why it is so.

So whoever expressed that opinion wasn't really showing Asperger's trait he was simply outspoken, as any other person could have been.

And as for "Is it worth it to be honest, to be silent, or to be selectively honest while considering the other person's reactions to what we say?"
I think you should always question yourself why do you want to say something, what is the purpose?
 
King_Oni, you really know when to hide and when to say honest things, so good for you.

Thanks epath13. I might revive the thread.

There are no troubles of Aspies in general stating facts, though some facts still hurt, like 'you are not ready for the upcoming challenges'. They keep breaking the unspoken rule because they believe 'it's the right thing'.

I think the purpose of saying things to most people is to really react, or express some thoughts in our minds. We often see the others reactions to our actions - though some of us have done ok in this area.

The issue is... Well many Aspies stand by their beliefs and do not realize that others have different beliefs from them.
 
Geordie said:
King_Oni, you really know when to hide and when to say honest things, so good for you.
Click to expand...

I prefer to express myself in a constructive way, so if I have nothing "good" to bring to the table, I don't see a point in telling someone something how blunt or uncoordinated it is, yet it never ever struck me as "do I have to say this? don't I hurt someones feelings?". If I'm hurt when someone points out a fact, or expresses an opinioin and backs that thought up, I might re-think about my own confidence issues and the way I can (or can't) handle the truth.
 
The difficulty with asking myself 'why do I want to say this...' about anything is that, many times, I might not be able to think of any answer at all to it. Then, for the times I have some answer to it, will that make sense to whoever it is, if they do ask? Especially since I apparently think so differently from most people! Why am I posting this? Well, it's in response to that question being raised! Next, having thought about that & either come up with some answer (or not), I'm to think whether what I'm going to say might hurt somebody's feelings? It seems entirely possible that this post might manage to do that, to some reader. Since most things I said that did that did so, according to the recipients, due to some 'way it was said', which wasn't, mostly, any way I could identify at my end. But whenever I ask about this, in general, I'm told not to worry about it & can't get any really useful guidance! I'd only say something I could anticipate hurting another's feelings if I was so wound up I couldn't think about it at the time but that's supposed to be irrelevant.
Apart from, in the area of 'beliefs', there isn't supposed to be an 'honest' to be, of course, since honest means truthful, not that you're sharing your opinions/feelings/beliefs. We really need another term for those areas & then we could try going through that minefield, if anybody's up for that.
 
I guess there's a little bit of confusion about honesty... So maybe you could say some people on the spectrum tend to speak their mind no matter what it is, an opinion or a fact. They just say what they think.
I know when i'm tired or stressed my filter seems to melt but doesn't usually disappear. I don't know if it would matter for others but when I was a kid I was taught that you shouldn't say certain things to others and it confused me to the level that sometimes I didn't say anything at all, because I didn't understand the reason why you should and shouldn't say something. I'm still confused but at least I say more... Even though when I think about not hurting other people's feeling (that's why they teach kids at school) unless you know a person very well how do you know what will hurt him/ her and what's not. In addition to that I love it when people say: " you can tell me anything. Just tell me the truth!" end when I do they start complaining :)
 
You said to 'ask yourself' about those! There's things we probably can anticipate being potentially offensive. Like, I asked my cousin (when she was getting married) if they were planning children. I know that's a 'personal question', which could offend/ upset people & I'd be very careful asking people about that, generally. My cousin didn't seem to mind & gave some answer & I'm sure she'd soon have told me to mind my own business, if she'd felt that way.
Or any reference to skin colour/ ethnic origin but I've known some black people & they don't usually mind the term black, as such. Then, there's a girl of Romanian gypsy ancestry in my shared house, who's recently moved in here & I happened to go into our little garden, for a cigarette, at the same time she did. She commented on the weather & a few seconds later, I just asked 'you a gypsy'? She laughed, said that was 'cheeky' & said she was, etc.
Whereas, for almost anything I've said that did offend/ upset/ hurt/ whatever anybody else wasn't covered by anything like that. So, is it possible to progress with this or not, please? I'd really like some better guidance, not telling me stuff like I've heard too many times before, that never gets anywhere, sorry!
 
By default we're inclined more than the general population to tell it like it is. I think it has more to do with lacking or having a weak social filter more than anything else.

Dishonesty can be learned like everything else though, sometimes to the point that it becomes a skill.
 
I should know: I learnt dishonesty when it is needed, and I execute it almost flawlessly that I even deceive myself.

The feeling is baaaad but well, it's needed.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom