Asking aspie out?

[6767]

Hi guys, I am a NT girl so, so, so very much in love with a guy who happens to have Aspergers. I have tried to signal interest and as far as I can tell, he signals interest back however this would typically be followed by him running cold. Is this necessarily always a bad sign?

I want to ask him out and I would do it by letting him know very simply that I think he is the loveliest man on the planet and would he want to go out with me for coffee. I fully understand that nobody else can answer for him. But. I would like to know how YOU would react to a girl doing this to YOU? Would YOU get happy? Or scared? Would there be a "method" that you would prefer, ie via text, email, face to face, phone or something else? (We go to uni and will not likely be alone together). Aaaaaaand.... just how gorgeous/intelligent/witty/perfect would a girl need to be for you to be interested and accept? And lastly, what would be reasons you would turn a girl down in this situation and how would you do it?

So crazily in love with this person but noone to talk to about it, I really need advice and thoughts. Thanks, lots of love, Linda

 

[Benjamin Dover]

I have tried to signal interest and as far as I can tell, he signals interest back however this would typically be followed by him running cold. Is this necessarily always a bad sign?

My guess is that the "running cold" is where you expect him to pick up on the previous hint and then take that hint somewhere. I really have no idea where I'd take a hint like that, as I'd probably not pick up on the hint at all.

My guess, and really ALL of this is just my guess, is that you're hoping that he picks up on that hint and then HE will do what is necessary and right to "close the deal," or to be the one to take over and guide things in a direction that you would like. This is what a "regular" guy might do.

My guess is that this will not happen.

My guess is that hints won't work.

I once recorded a song with a woman, and she tried to give me a hint. We're listening to the song and she says, "I could make love to this song right now." My response was, "Yea, the song turned out pretty good."

My guess is that you should be literal, be to-the-point, and let him know exactly what you're talking about and what you're looking for. Because if you think that he might pick up on the hint and the close the deal, my guess is that you'll end up disappointed because it won't happen.

Just my guesses.

 

[Warmheart]

Start carefully. Approach slowly. Bring snacks. Be calm. Speak directly. No hints. Invite clearly. Save strong emotions for later. Be patient. Good luck!

 

[Bolletje]

I'm an Aspie woman, and I used to ask men out on a regular basis. Some got pretty intimidated by this. That's okay, it usually showed me we wouldn't be compatible anyway. Some men thought it was refreshing. Either way, it saved me the hassle of dropping hints and waiting for someone to pick them up.

I'd keep it short and simple: "I like you, and I'd like to go out with you sometime if you're interested. "

 

[pjcnet]

Well I totally rejected various girls that were after me in senior school, then after I left all the girls chasing me stopped, or I didn't notice the signs as they were no longer totally blatant (in my late 20s a women who was purely a friend that I didn't like in that way told me that a few women were interested when I had totally no idea for instance, she told me that anyone else would had seen the signs ages ago). I however really did like a couple of girls throughout my time at school and I fancied loads (lol, I was a teenage boy, autistic or not). Deep inside I really wanted to show that I was interested back, but I never got the confidence, instead I always rejected and was kicking myself wishing I could have done different, especially when I got close to school leaving age. A few tried chasing me for a good while, there was even 1 I really really liked, but I'd just close up completely when she approached me and it didn't matter what she said I still rejected her, she tried for months and I wanted so much to open up to her, but I simply couldn't, I even had her saying things like "don't worry I know you are shy", but nothing could break my shell and it killed me. On the last day she approached me one last time quite upset that it was the last chance, she pleaded with me and I was upset too deep down inside as I so much wanted to respond to her, but I still went home without any contact details and never saw her ever again. In other words if he is as bad as I was back then it could be almost impossible to get through to him even if he does like you back.

I did very slowly start opening up to women as I got even older, but it took a long time and I've always struggled (it wasn't ideal, but in the early days of being a youth alcohol opened me up somewhat, but I'd totally close up again when sober). If you do approach him be very patient and if he rejects try to just be friends at first if he allows that (even that could take time), don't automatically assume that his rejections are genuine (it's difficult as you don't want to stalk him either). If he kinda closes down and is lost for words, totally embarrassed when you approach or even if he walks away because he can't handle it, then he could be interested, he is unlikely to tell you to get lost in a nasty way if he's interested, but just won't say much and won't respond to any advances at all and this could go on for a long time. Also if your advances are subtle it may not register with him that you are interested at all, even if you believe they're quite obvious. I've had times where I've been quite upset when particular girls chasing me eventually gave up thinking I wasn't interested. You never know however he could be totally different to me or could have moved on from when I was very young.

 

[6767]

Thank you for your great response! And of course you are completely right.. it is what I am hoping for... but have come to terms with that this won't happen I myself need to act. Question, you say he won't pick up on subtle stuff but on occasions we have been looking into each others eyes and smiling for well over three seconds, afterwards I am on cloud nine totally dizzy.. are you saying he would possibly not even sense there was something there? Because that is so sad

This was for you Benjamin Dovet, I'm sorry I am not very good with forums haha

Ps. And thank you it was really useful to read what you wrote about the running cold.. never thought of it like that. Makes total sense, you explained it really well. THANK YOU

 

[6767]

Start carefully. Approach slowly. Bring snacks. Be calm. Speak directly. No hints. Invite clearly. Save strong emotions for later. Be patient. Good luck!

Thank you!!! I will try and do everything you said!

 

[6767]

At my age, a girl with real estate and a prepaid funeral plan would be enough.

Seriously, @Warmheart has the best advice I believe. As a guy (albeit old enough to remember Kennedy getting shot), I would have interest, but then not know what the next step would be or how to proceed. That in turn would cause me to run cold; or run into the dark never to be seen again, as is the case with me. I've never understood the whole "giving and receiving signals" or the protocols of courtship. The Aspie side of me responds better to a direct approach; no signals, no hints, etc.

That was really informative for me to read, thank you so much for replying!! Makes total sense now you explain what it is like. Would explain a lot actually! Would you ever be brave enough to do any approaching attempts at all if you were interested in someone? And what might they be like?

 

[6767]

I'm an Aspie woman, and I used to ask men out on a regular basis. Some got pretty intimidated by this. That's okay, it usually showed me we wouldn't be compatible anyway. Some men thought it was refreshing. Either way, it saved me the hassle of dropping hints and waiting for someone to pick them up.

I'd keep it short and simple: "I like you, and I'd like to go out with you sometime if you're interested. "

Definetely very short and simple yes! You are a braver girl than me for doing this kind of thing, I would never in a million years ask anyone out, but this person is special! Thanks

 

[6767]

PJcnet: THANK YOU, super informative reply, read it over and over!! Glad to hear you are better with women now, you must have worked really hard with that. I think he is actually similar to what you described with yourself... not totally hopeless though I think.. I cant even thank you enough for all the advice and different scenarios.. thank you

But most likely he will go into some kind of freeze/panic/escape mode do you think?

 

[Keigan]

Very short and simple and direct, ask him out for coffee.

 

[Major Tom]

Short and sweet, no hints. Tell him what you think, but be gentle too. If he seems really shy, just text him asking him out for coffee first and then let him know how you feel.

 

[6767]

Actually, it's not so much a matter of being brave, but rather not knowing how to do it. I cannot speak for other Aspie men, but for me it's as though something in my brain prevents me from understanding that ritual and following through. In fact, the two relationships I've had in my 57 years the lady was the one to initiate contact. I've had friends try to explain it to me, but the concept gets lost somewhere in my head.

Please, explain more! Would you still sense there was an attraction, just not know what to do? Or would you not sense the attraction at all?

 

[6767]

Short and sweet, no hints. Tell him what you think, but be gentle too. If he seems really shy, just text him asking him out for coffee first and then let him know how you feel.

But then he would actually have to accept to go out with me.. terrified he will say "no, are you crazy I would rather die", go AWOL or even, get angry with me for asking!

 

[Major Tom]

But then he would actually have to accept to go out with me.. terrified he will say "no, are you crazy I would rather die", go AWOL or even, get angry with me for asking!

any of these things are possible, unfortunately, but you never know unless you try. And just because it may not work the first time, it doesn't mean there can't be a second. Unless he pulls a me and disappears.

 

[Bolletje]

But then he would actually have to accept to go out with me.. terrified he will say "no, are you crazy I would rather die", go AWOL or even, get angry with me for asking!

Rejection is scary, sure. But if you're both too scared to act for fear of being rejected, nothing's going to happen.

 

[SnailPie]

I am almost always clueless about what's going on with people and their intentions. I have difficulty telling if a man "LIKES likes" me, or is just being friendly. I stink at flirting, I just can't do it. I do appreciate the direct approach, none of that beating around the bush "Do you want to hang out?" stuff.

I'd much rather hear, "I'm interested in getting to know you better. I'd like to go on a date with you." Or even better, "I'm attracted to you and I'm wondering if you might be attracted to me too?"

Just get it out there and don't waste a lot of time hemming and hawing. Because I don't pick up on the cues, I have inadvertently pissed a few men off. They thought they were being loud and clear, I thought they were being vague.
Either way, I wasn't interested in anything more than a casual acquaintance. They would have saved both of us a lot of time and aggravation if they'd just said what they meant!

I'd say--let him know you fancy him and take the bull by the horns---respectfully and graciously, of course! Good luck!

 

[Bolletje]

I'd say--let him know you fancy him and take the bull by the horns---respectfully and graciously, of course! Good luck!

Heheh, that just conjured up an image of pouncing on an unsuspecting guy, wrestling him to the ground and asking him out. Not what you meant, of course, but I have an active imagination :')

 

[SnailPie]

Heheheh...me too!
But I can say most of us probably prefer the "direct" approach, where your intentions are made clear. Sure, it's a gutsy move, but if he's not interested, you'll not waste time that could be better spent stalking better quarry... I mean......you know what I mean.

 

[Tom]

The advise to be very clear and unambiguous is good. Aspies generally like things very plainly laid out. I would also scale back on the 'greatest on the planet' and 'love' sort of talk. Aspies can be just as bad in interpersonal relations as NTs (ie jerks). Revealing too much too soon might bring on them thinking they have you and taking advantage of the situation/using you. It can also frighten some away.