Asking the right question

[SimonSays]

What is the right question? I always know it when I ask it, and usually by the reply that it creates.

How I've said what I've said in the way I’ve said it. As if it has come from a slightly different place. It still sounds like me, my mouth produces the usual words, and yet they are said somehow differently.

The right question produces an answer that makes a difference. Eliminates confusion. Creates clarity.

I have noticed I do not ask many questions now. If I do not understand something I tend to just accept it rather than seek clarification.

But now and again a question is asked, and if it's a good one, a right one, it has the effect of making me feel connected to what is going on in a way I hadn't been previously. I didn't know I wasn't until the question revealed it. I'm involved now. It makes a difference.

I used to ask a lot more questions. I was interested to find out. I always wanted to know more about what interested me. Whenever I found someone interesting, it would create a temporary ‘special interest’, I would focus on them for as long as I could. I didn't realise it could feel a bit overwhelming sometimes. I understand it better now.

In the moment it is like I really want to know. Like it's important for me to do only that. Nothing else matters. It makes me feel connected. And it is hard for me to feel connected otherwise.

How that person responds will make or break the connection. It's almost like taking a drug. I feel something I immediately know I want more of. I realise how much I've been missing that feeling. And so I want more. I can't help it. It can quickly become a bit too much for me. I can easily begin to overdose. Then I have to stop taking it. Detox for a period of time. Until the next time…

 

[Nummulite]

It sounds like you've put a lot of thought into this. In some ways I think I know what you mean.

I notice that when I meet new people, they tend to ask me lots of little questions, sometimes completely out of the blue. I know it's the right thing to do in order to get to know someone and form connections, but I don't have this natural impulse to do it. It just doesn't occur to me to ask someone a question about themselves unless I need the information for some specific purpose.

If I remember to, I'll ask them the same thing they just asked me. But I don't know what to ask people other than that- there are a million possible questions you could ask a person in order to learn something meaningful about them, and you don't know what they are until you ask the right ones. What makes it even more complicated is that some questions are considered too personal, inappropriate, or maybe that specific person just won't respond well to it.

This also extends to learning situations. I started a new job recently and I feel lost, but I don't know what questions to ask because I don't know what I don't know. Sometimes a random question will unlock what I'm looking for, but not always.

If your goal is to understand things and connect to people, I think it's probably better to ask too many rather than too little. Do you notice any patterns in what kinds of questions tend to give you the result you're looking for?

 

[SimonSays]

If your goal is to understand things and connect to people, I think it's probably better to ask too many rather than too little.

It all depends on who I'm speaking to. The circumstances (virtual or real life). How much time there is when in real life. How I'm feeling. It's by no means straight-forward at all.

I communicate best in text form. Where there is time to consider what to say. Whereas the best feeling comes from face to face, but that is a lot rarer for me now.

Do you notice any patterns in what kinds of questions tend to give you the result you're looking for?

Not really. It depends so much on who someone is and how open they are being. I don't want to interrogate anyone and have had some people say they thought I was. I didn't think I was being anything other than really interested in them, but some people are not comfortable answering questions openly.

I've always liked being an open book. Anyone who genuinely wants to know something will get a good and honest answer from me. I sometimes forget not everyone can do that.

 

[SimonSays]

I don't have this natural impulse to do it. It just doesn't occur to me to ask someone a question about themselves unless I need the information for some specific purpose.

I get that. I have to be interested first. If I'm not, unless there's a specific purpose, I'll not say anything. I'm not naturally inquisitive about someone else's story, even though many do have interesting ones if you get to know them. I'm not naturally social, so unless it's obvious I may never find out.

But I do like asking what feels like the right question, and in many instances it is something that happens unexpectedly. I can be feeling like I want to know someone better, but have no idea what would be appropriate. Then, out of the blue, the question comes to me that I feel excited to ask. The weird thing is, it doesn't always produce the result I'm expecting. I may have thought it was the right question, but they didn't agree.

 

[SimonSays]

I believe that telling the truth sets me free. This idea has always meant something to me.

When I come across people who are cautious about revealing what goes on for them, while I understand the vulnerability that can come from being too open, I have no problem speaking to anyone who is interested in what I have to say. It gives me an opportunity to reveal myself, when I might not have said these things before, which then helps me put into perspective what the truth actually is for me.

Even if I've talked about these things before, I've never said them to this person in this way in this moment, so it's like I'm saying it for the first time, again. If it's been awhile since I've spoken this way, I usually notice if I’m being clearer, expressing myself better, making it easier for someone to understand me, and I like the way that feels. Shows progress.

I understand why people think if they reveal too much of themselves it can be misused or abused. And I have felt vulnerable at times having opened myself up too soon. But I think I prefer taking that chance, then keeping things close to my chest, having to decide who is allowed to know this and not that. I prefer there be no secrets, at least not about my life.

That doesn't mean someone will always know everything about me because not everything is relevant, but what comes out in the moment, comes out naturally to be said. I have always been this way, unless I feel I am not around people I’m comfortable with, in which case I may not say much at all.

So perhaps it's easier for someone to ask me the right question, than it is for me to ask them.

 

[Suzette]

What is the right question? I always know it when I ask it, and usually by the reply that it creates.

So perhaps it's easier for someone to ask me the right question, than it is for me to ask them.

The right question is always subjective to the person being asked the question. So you have answered yourself!

 

[Progster]

The right question is that which gets the answer one what one needs to hear (which is not necessarily what they want to hear!).