kungpaokitten
Active Member
So both my fiance and I are on the spectrum. He has learned to deal with his traits better than I have. He is far more social and I am not. I used to be before when I was on "enhancements" but now that I am not I get anxiety badly.
I should start from the beginning...
My fiance and I are in turmoil. He has been on a suicidal rampage for the past week. We are both very sexual and at first that is what got us together. We both liked going out to nightclubs and pick up women. It soon died out for me because he would get so pissed off when nothing was accomplished and it made me feel ******. (this was before we both were DX for asperger's) I didn't understand his motives and he didn't understand why I felt insecure. As time went on he kept making me feel insecure with this obsession to club and hunt for women. I just wasn't into it anymore because I felt like a HUGE disappointment to him. He even once told me he wouldn't ever be fully satisfied with just me. Broke my heart. and I did more and more "enhancements" after I promised not too because I needed to mental escape....Anyways, I pulled away and turned into a shell. I got really sick with renal failure and stayed in bed for 3 months, whilst he went out. He felt like he lost me and I felt like I never had him. I found explicit text from other women and approached him calmly and he ended up blowing up on me and blamed me fro everything. We split and then got back together. He explained to me I abandoned him and I explained to him I never had him. Things were great until I posted something on my blog that hurt him and I was oblivious to it. After he tried to commit suicide over it (first time ever) I lost it. I couldn't fully give myself to someone that broke me so badly.
Everytime I try to talk to him and give him an honest answer he doesnt accept it and tells me I am lying or I am not stupid and stop playing with him, so I lie and then shut down and it ends up a freaking mess. Well last night after shutting down whilst trying to communicate I admitted I wanted monogamy but it isnt what I want, I was just saying stuff for the moment. Well he flipped out and dumped me. He is now saying I screwed him over, I broke his heart, I did it purposely, I manipulated him and I never loved him.
I feel like I am a bad person, like I am insane and I have no heart. I feel crazy and I feel undeserving to live. I do believe I love him, I do believe I care but he just keeps telliing me I didn't and I don't know how to love, but isnt it the other way around? I accepted him and because he couldn't just compromise with this issue he shows no love there? I was willing to compromise but nope he wanted it all or nothing.
I should start from the beginning...
My fiance and I are in turmoil. He has been on a suicidal rampage for the past week. We are both very sexual and at first that is what got us together. We both liked going out to nightclubs and pick up women. It soon died out for me because he would get so pissed off when nothing was accomplished and it made me feel ******. (this was before we both were DX for asperger's) I didn't understand his motives and he didn't understand why I felt insecure. As time went on he kept making me feel insecure with this obsession to club and hunt for women. I just wasn't into it anymore because I felt like a HUGE disappointment to him. He even once told me he wouldn't ever be fully satisfied with just me. Broke my heart. and I did more and more "enhancements" after I promised not too because I needed to mental escape....Anyways, I pulled away and turned into a shell. I got really sick with renal failure and stayed in bed for 3 months, whilst he went out. He felt like he lost me and I felt like I never had him. I found explicit text from other women and approached him calmly and he ended up blowing up on me and blamed me fro everything. We split and then got back together. He explained to me I abandoned him and I explained to him I never had him. Things were great until I posted something on my blog that hurt him and I was oblivious to it. After he tried to commit suicide over it (first time ever) I lost it. I couldn't fully give myself to someone that broke me so badly.
Everytime I try to talk to him and give him an honest answer he doesnt accept it and tells me I am lying or I am not stupid and stop playing with him, so I lie and then shut down and it ends up a freaking mess. Well last night after shutting down whilst trying to communicate I admitted I wanted monogamy but it isnt what I want, I was just saying stuff for the moment. Well he flipped out and dumped me. He is now saying I screwed him over, I broke his heart, I did it purposely, I manipulated him and I never loved him.
I feel like I am a bad person, like I am insane and I have no heart. I feel crazy and I feel undeserving to live. I do believe I love him, I do believe I care but he just keeps telliing me I didn't and I don't know how to love, but isnt it the other way around? I accepted him and because he couldn't just compromise with this issue he shows no love there? I was willing to compromise but nope he wanted it all or nothing.
