Asperger friend

[Clio]

After 6 year relationship I think am finally understanding but not walking away. He is Professor and highly intelligent but all the drawbacks of having Aspergers. Says he is not autistic, so what does he mean please. He has so changed me. I try so hard.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Well you can't force people to recognise something like Asperger's syndrome in themselves. You can make them aware of the possibility but you can't force it on them.

 

[Momo]

You probably won't be able to convince him, people usually have to discover it themselves when they're older or be told by a professional. If you are very worried you could talk to a doctor or professional about it.

 

[OlLiE]

you can always just point out where you are having difficulties, he may be more susceptible to acting on them without having a label attached to him, any which way a relationship is always going to be a compromise - what does the lable matter if you can both find a way to deal with the symptoms

re 'trying so hard':
i am willing to discuss my issues with my gf when they rear their ugly head, it only seems logical to do as i want her to show understanding for my limitations, however, what i abhor is someone who is constantly trying to 'fix' or 'change' me, because it implies that there is something wrong with me, and i do not consider being different to be the same as being 'wrong'

at the end of the day, if you guys want to be together (friends or couple), you both need to feel happy with each other while being happy with yourselves individually, talk and compromise

offering to help and not feeling appreciated for it, is the start of a slippery path.

 

[Clio]

You probably won't be able to convince him, people usually have to discover it themselves when they're older or be told by a professional. If you are very worried you could talk to a doctor or professional about it.

His wife is a consultant psychiatrist of many years experience. He has many problems and cannot deal with emotions, conflict or criticism. Also has anxiety and depression.

 

[Momo]

His wife is a consultant psychiatrist of many years experience. He has many problems and cannot deal with emotions, conflict or criticism. Also has anxiety and depression.

That does make things difficult. If his wife is a psychiatrist you could try and bring it up with her and see where it leads. With two voices in the equation, you may be able to make more of an impact. It might also be good to see if his wife has any suggestions in dealing with this and getting him help.

 

[Clio]

you can always just point out where you are having difficulties, he may be more susceptible to acting on them without having a label attached to him, any which way a relationship is always going to be a compromise - what does the lable matter if you can both find a way to deal with the symptoms

re 'trying so hard':
i am willing to discuss my issues with my gf when they rear their ugly head, it only seems logical to do as i want her to show understanding for my limitations, however, what i abhor is someone who is constantly trying to 'fix' or 'change' me, because it implies that there is something wrong with me, and i do not consider being different to be the same as being 'wrong'

at the end of the day, if you guys want to be together (friends or couple), you both need to feel happy with each other while being happy with yourselves individually, talk and compromise

offering to help and not feeling appreciated for it, is the start of a slippery path.

I so also agree.

That does make things difficult. If his wife is a psychiatrist you could try and bring it up with her and see where it leads. With two voices in the equation, you may be able to make more of an impact. It might also be good to see if his wife has any suggestions in dealing with this and getting him help.

Not possible, although we are friendly. Perhaps one day. We both care for him. I have become an empath. Perhaps I always have been. I almost bleed for him when I see he is in difficulty.

 

[Momo]

I so also agree.

Not possible, although we are friendly. Perhaps one day. We both care for him. I have become an empath. Perhaps I always have been. I almost bleed for him when I see he is in difficulty.

I understand what you mean, and I'm sorry you have to go through so much over this. I hope it can be resolved somehow, perhaps, as said, just be blunt with him so he can understand what you mean better. Complex niceties will go right over his head.

 

[Clio]

I understand what you mean, and I'm sorry you have to go through so much over this. I hope it can be resolved somehow, perhaps, as said, just be blunt with him so he can understand what you mean better. Complex niceties will go right over his head.

Can you have Asperges spectrum and not be autistic? Is it called Asperges spectrum?

 

[Bolletje]

Can you have Asperges spectrum and not be autistic? Is it called Asperges spectrum?

It's autism spectrum. Since the new DSM-V, Aspergers has become part of the autism spectrum, with the spectrum meaning there's a scale of "severity", not everyone is affected in the same way. I could write few alineas about it, but I suggest you do some reading on the subject as it saves both of us a lot of trouble

That being said, why is it important to you that your friend acknowledges being on the spectrum? Does it change anything?

 

[Clio]

It's autism spectrum. Since the new DSM-V, Aspergers has become part of the autism spectrum, with the spectrum meaning there's a scale of "severity", not everyone is affected in the same way. I could write few alineas about it, but I suggest you do some reading on the subject as it saves both of us a lot of trouble

That being said, why is it important to you that your friend acknowledges being on the spectrum? Does it change anything?

Thank you for clarifying. Am really grateful to you and others on this site. I am trying to understand him better. Have read extensively but he has said he has Asperges spectrum but is not autistic. Should explain he is University Professor with worldwide reputation. However, within first month of meeting him and his behaviour I had thought he was a sociopath! Could not understand his one minute change from loving to leaving and sudden violent outbursts at me. Became used to just being left in his house to let myself out when he left room and just disappeared even during night. Now I realise this is because of how he feels. I must not be emotionally dependent, criticise or be needy. He leans heavily and is in constant need of empathy from me. I am more than happy to be there for him and hate to see this sudden dramatic change in him.

 

[Bolletje]

Thank you for clarifying. Am really grateful to you and others on this site. I am trying to understand him better. Have read extensively but he has said he has Asperges spectrum but is not autistic. Should explain he is University Professor with worldwide reputation. However, within first month of meeting him and his behaviour I had thought he was a sociopath! Could not understand his one minute change from loving to leaving and sudden violent outbursts at me. Became used to just being left in his house to let myself out when he left room and just disappeared even during night. Now I realise this is because of how he feels. I must not be emotionally dependent, criticise or be needy. He leans heavily and is in constant need of empathy from me. I am more than happy to be there for him and hate to see this sudden dramatic change in him.

Ah, in that case I think you mean he has Aspergers, but not Classic autism. Those are definitions that have been partially discarded, which might cause some extra confusion. Try googling both, it'll explain why he's so adamant about the distinction

 

[Momo]

Can you have Asperges spectrum and not be autistic? Is it called Asperges spectrum?

Aspergers is considered to be high functioning autism in America, but is still a seperate diagnosis in the rest of the world. But it is much like autism, simply more verbal.

 

[Maiki]

Thank you for clarifying. Am really grateful to you and others on this site. I am trying to understand him better. Have read extensively but he has said he has Asperges spectrum but is not autistic. Should explain he is University Professor with worldwide reputation. However, within first month of meeting him and his behaviour I had thought he was a sociopath! Could not understand his one minute change from loving to leaving and sudden violent outbursts at me. Became used to just being left in his house to let myself out when he left room and just disappeared even during night. Now I realise this is because of how he feels. I must not be emotionally dependent, criticise or be needy. He leans heavily and is in constant need of empathy from me. I am more than happy to be there for him and hate to see this sudden dramatic change in him.

Hi-- to pipe in with a concern-- seems obvious you really care about this fellow. It's natural and understandable to give some latitude for 'questionable behaviour' to friends and family. However, friendships need to go both ways. When you say that he leans heavily on you, and also that he treats you rudely, it gives me pause. Diagnosis or no diagnosis, he should not be taking, but not giving back to the relationship. You deserve to be treated respectfully. Please set boundaries with him to protect your kind heart, and to not enable unacceptable behaviour!

 

[Maiki]

By way of background, I am a healthcare professional in my 40s. I'm married and a mum of 3 children. I also have high functioning Autism, and refer to myself as an Aspie. Very few outside my family are aware of this-- not because I'm hiding it, but because I'm lucky enough that it doesn't have the severity of impact upon my life that it does on many others' lives. I come from a family where both parents (and now both my brothers) were/are well regarded professionals. My older brother is an associate professor and a practicing physician. He is also a sociopath who abused me emotionally most of my life until 5 years ago. I have always been the peacemaker, people-pleaser, provider of support. If I hadn't received top notch mental health care, I would never have set boundaries with my brother. He reacted so violently when I did that I have since cut ties with him completely. Although it saddens me, I did what I had to do. My brother had convinced me that I was a horrible person-- through and through. The crazy thing is that I believed him, and allowed him to treat me accordingly.