Aspergers and your Relationship

[kmom2014]

Is anyone in a relationship while dealing with being an Aspie? (Or even just dealing with family.) I haven't been diagnosed but am waiting to be (or not) but even if I am not I identify with it enough that I will treat myself as though I am I just won't say I am or tell people I am. I'm weird about labels and only use them on myself if it's confirmed or a definite thing. But I digress.

I feel like the symptoms I do deal with are enough that my husband should read a book for people in a relationship with an Aspie to be honest. Some things I do come off as selfish but I am not trying to be. I've been called narcissistic which I am NOT, I often think "logically" to me but not to others, I get treated like a child a lot because I don't know how to prioritize, I often talk and talk and find I am no longer being listened to because they don't care what I have to say anymore because I've been blabbing for too long, etc.

My son is an Aspie and I see him doing the same things as me but I feel bad because his behavior frustrates me or makes me angry even though I often do the same thing!

Anyway how are you treated in your family when it comes to your symptoms?

 

[Ereth]

My family doesn't really understand, though progress has been made. But my friends get me. And my boyfriend is my angel. He supports me even when I talk too much or have meltdowns.

 

[Turk]

My wife is as tolerant as she can be but has a hard time dealing my Aspergers. She gets very frustrated with my anxiety issues and that I dont provide a good role model for our AS son. Im a good Dad but I've been an example of not how to deal with his condition. My wife does not trust my judgment, which is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. Better communication is the only reason, we've survived as long as we have. There is a good book called " Alone together " which helped my wife understand and feel better about being married to an Aspie

 

[Judge]

Seeing such comments makes me wonder if I were to be open about being on the spectrum if people around me would suddenly start implying I have "bad judgment".

Is it really a common trait, or more of a label arbitrarily assigned to anyone on the spectrum?

 

[Turk]

Seeing such comments makes me wonder if I were to be open about being on the spectrum if people around me would suddenly start implying I have "bad judgment".

Is it really a common trait, or more of a label arbitrarily assigned to anyone on the spectrum?

I think that our judgement can be impaired at times, but its this blanket belief that im always wrong, that irritates me. There is no doubt that a label has validated her reasons not to trust, and made things harder for me

 

[kmom2014]

My wife is as tolerant as she can be but has a hard time dealing my Aspergers. She gets very frustrated with my anxiety issues and that I dont provide a good role model for our AS son. Im a good Dad but I've been an example of not how to deal with his condition. My wife does not trust my judgment, which is sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. Better communication is the only reason, we've survived as long as we have. There is a good book called " Alone together " which helped my wife understand and feel better about being married to an Aspie

I think I am the same kind of "role model" for my AS son. Assuming we both have it which we know he does. I react to things in ways I tell him NOT react but it's very childish the way I can act sometimes which I think drives my family nuts. I have always had anxiety but about 6-7 years ago I developed panic disorder with agoraphobia which thanks to meds has gotten a lot better. So my husband had to deal with A LOT when it came to my anxiety such as me having to stop working, couldn't go on dates or travel, etc. As far as judgments I am not trusted to make them either which makes you feel "less than" in terms of running your household. Thinking about it I understand why but even my great ideas are taken with skepticism.

 

[kmom2014]

I think that our judgement can be impaired at times, but its this blanket belief that im always wrong, that irritates me. There is no doubt that a label has validated her reasond not to trust, and made things harder for mr

Oh the always wrong thing. Yep. I feel the same way like even when I know I am right I am treated like I have no logic most of the time so I must also be wrong most of the time.

 

[Judge]

I think that our judgement can be impaired at times, but its this blanket belief that im always wrong, that irritates me. There is no doubt that a label has validated her reasons not to trust, and made things harder for me

Good point. That sounds like reality. We aren't perfect....but we aren't inherently defective either.

 

[Turk]

Ya know the frustrating thing about this trusting judgment situation is, that ive worked hard to control and learn about my condition. Ive turned a corner and my judgements are better than the were. The problem is, if my wife continues to employ restrictive trust measure, she negates what ive learnt and limits who I could potentially be

 

[Judge]

Hmmm. I get that. I don't think I would do well in any relationship in which trust was restricted or compartmentalized based on individual merit and ability. Not something to be rationed. Oh yeah. I haven't done well in any relationships. It's how you get to my age and still be single.

 

[Turk]

Hmmm. I get that. I don't think I would do well in any relationship in which trust was restricted or compartmentalized based on individual merit and ability. Not something to be rationed. Oh yeah. I haven't done well in any relationships. It's how you get to my age and still be single.

Im not sure if this the case for everyone. But being in a relationship with an NT requires the sacrifice of what we essentially are, to coexist. Its no wonder so many of us have an identity crisis, when we deny ourselves, our true origins. I once asked my wife, if I had an Aspie party, would she modify her behavior, in order to fit in. Her answer was no. The onus for us to adapt, with limited ability to do so, is a shining example of the double standard, called world tolerance. Im not bitter that I have to change in the presence of loved ones. But sometimes I grieve over the loss of the real me

 

[Judge]

Im not sure if this the case for everyone. But being in a relationship with an NT requires the sacrifice of what we essentially are, to coexist. Its no wonder so many of us have an identity crisis, when we deny ourselves, our true origins.

All my relationships were with Neurotypicals...and yes, inevitably I went through such an identity crisis...and didn't fare well. Of course I was utterly unaware of my autism...and had no way of understanding such dynamics at the time. Just another reason to emphasize how important it is to know yourself...so you can become proactive and make better decisions with better outcomes.

 

[Marvin]

Clip our wings then simultaneously point out and complain that we can't fly.

 

[kmom2014]

Im not sure if this the case for everyone. But being in a relationship with an NT requires the sacrifice of what we essentially are, to coexist. Its no wonder so many of us have an identity crisis, when we deny ourselves, our true origins. I once asked my wife, if I had an Aspie party, would she modify her behavior, in order to fit in. Her answer was no. The onus for us to adapt, with limited ability to do so, is a shining example of the double standard, called world tolerance. Im not bitter that I have to change in the presence of loved ones. But sometimes I grieve over the loss of the real me

I think that's a good point. Would they change themselves to be around people more like us? No. But I think my husband can be somewhat tolerant of the way I am. There are parts of me that bother him but you can't just change who you are whether you have AS or not. Luckily I can depend on him with a lot of things like not forcing me to go to social functions or even just out to activities if I don't want to go. Sometimes he makes me go though. And there are things I do, like not understanding his feelings, that he has a hard time understanding. I think if I get diagnosed I am going to look into the appropriate books or links that are about the AS woman for him to read, because everything we have is for kids, our son.

 

[gregmcph]

I seem to have emotional energy levels.
Some days I am loving and full of hugs and compliments and thoughtfulness.
But others I sink down into a definite, "You should leave me alone today", or at least "Well, I'm functioning but I appear to be all business".

And I know that is confusing for her, and sometimes quite lonely for her. It sometimes means I have to make the effort to walk through the words and actions required for her happiness, even if they aren't coming naturally.

 

[Max]

I was in a relationship for 19 months. While my Asperger's was ultimately the main cause of our breakup, as she found it too difficult that I often failed to notice when she was upset, we are still very close friends.

 

[kmom2014]

I seem to have emotional energy levels.
Some days I am loving and full of hugs and compliments and thoughtfulness.
But others I sink down into a definite, "You should leave me alone today", or at least "Well, I'm functioning but I appear to be all business".

And I know that is confusing for her, and sometimes quite lonely for her. It sometimes means I have to make the effort to walk through the words and actions required for her happiness, even if they aren't coming naturally.

Totally the same here. I don't like affection as much if it's not me doing it. And there are days where I am not as loving as other days. A conversation between my husband and my sisters BF occurred where he tried to explain to her BF that we just aren't touchy feely girls and he's gotten used to it. So in the past couple years I've tried to be affection more often. To see how it can make him relax is nice. But other times I come on too strong and it's he who wants space lol

 

[Turk]

Im affraid there is no winging it when it comes to intamacy or connection. As Ive tried to explain to my wife, its not that I dont have a want for them, its just that life sends me mixed signals and visual stimuli, which affects its spontaneity. Intimacy is the deepest feeling that my life partner is likely to feel, and I so desperately dont want to stuff it up, which tends to make me a little over cautious. Some of the signals are so minute, to miss any of them, can leave them wanting more from life, than whats on offer. My wife understands this, but knowing it and living it are two different things

 

[King_Oni]

I can't really say I have major issues with my aspieness and relationships.

My mom took up some courses in childpsychology years ago (well before I got diagnosed) and she taught crafts classes in school for a bit. So she is, to some extent, experienced in dealing with problematic kids. But that was when I was younger.

Right now, both my parents tend to be more of the "whatever floats his boat" type of people. I don't feel they judge me for being weird me. We try to communicate as best as possible when stuff comes up. But I haven't really found that there was this notion of "why can't you just act normal like anyone else". By now, they accept that I have it documented, that I'm out of job for a reason and they pretty much leave me alone so I can get on with my life.

As for relationships; it's an odd one. I'm in a relationship with an aspie, so there's plenty of understanding and space to just do my own thing and not end up getting into arguments where I cannot do what should be expected. But then again, I don't set a high bar for expectations myself. It doesn't mean I don't care about my relationship, but I think it should be fun and not end up being a restrictive obligation. And she sees it the same way from what I've understood (assuming she speaks the truth, heh).

In the past I've had a relationship with someone who I think could easily be on the spectrum. That worked out pretty well for almost a decade. Yet, at some point, we kinda grew apart and kept getting more issues about, probably "real life issues". Money, jobs, interests and such... I think for her it was more that she couldn't deal with the fact someone had a different idea of how to live life and it would cause her way too much stress to some degree. That's a perfectly viable point of view, but it also means that I'm not the right person, since job stability is not in my cards (and I doubt it will be). But yeah... I think that it was her (possible) aspie brain speaking and trying to prevent predicaments leading to meltdowns in the long run.

And then there's a few NT ones. I think I'm dominant enough in a relationship to take someone on an aspie trip (hey, that rhymes!), but I just know that at some point reality sets in. And much like that previous relationship, serious issues come to mind. That's where the aspect of "fun" goes to the background... I don't know if I could have a relationship without my own special dose of "fun". It's just that for some people reality sets in way faster (in under a year) and that will lead to some serious issues.

But then again, I guess it depends on what you want to get out of a relationship as well. I'm convinced some people expect way too much out of a relationship because they, somewhere heard, that it has to be a certain way.

 

[Turk]

Divorce rates are climbing all the time, and the number of Aspies in these figures, wouldnt even rate. Long term relationships ships are hard work and the NT world are having just as many problems as us. The clear difference is when you have a diagnosis of a condition, its very easy to assume thats why a relationship is failing. We may have issues communicating and supporting our partners, in the way they want, but obviously so is does the rest of society. It really comes down to what each of us wants out of our relationship and communicating those wants. Unfortunately a diagnosis is a convenient excuse for not working at things sometimes. And that goes both ways