Asperger’s boyfriend broke up with me and blocked me

[Ukgal12345]

Background is that we met a couple of months ago and things moved quite quickly. After a few dates he asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me. This all felt quick but I went with it as was honestly feeling the same and found him amazing. A week later he told me he had Asperger’s which didn’t think too much about as didn’t change how I felt about him. Maybe I should have done some more research at the time.

As far as he told me he’d never had a girlfriend before but had unsuccessful dating experiences with people finding they didn’t care etc.

Things were amazing for a new relationship but a couple weeks ago I felt insecure about things and raised this including the fact he still followed girls he used to date on instagram. We resolved this and things felt amazing until the other night I felt it again and he said we’d talk about it when we saw eachother but he still loved me and wanted to be together. The following evening he sent me a break up message and blocked me on everything. My friends reached out to him which angered him further and he called me and was very annoyed and told me he didn’t love me anymore and that I’d learn from my mistake.

I’ve since found out he jumped on tinder a day after and is following lots of girls. Does anyone relate to this?

I’m completely heartbroken and just want to be with him, I sent an email this morning as don’t think he would have blocked that, but am I trying too much and pushing him away?

 

[Ukgal12345]

Please be aware of conflating Asperger’s with horrible behavior. Asking us to choose between these two options feels a bit insulting.

Best of luck in figuring out your relationship and I’m sorry that you are hurting.

Sorry, I completely agree that was the wrong wording and I have now amended it. I just really want to understand. I feel like being blocked and conversation in person has given me no closure.

 

[Mary Terry]

Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that someone doesn't love you. The simplest "answer" to what happened is that he didn't love you or love you enough.

 

[Rodafina]

Sorry, I completely agree that was the wrong wording and I have now amended it. I just really want to understand. I feel like being blocked and conversation in person has given me no closure.

Thank you. That was very understanding of you (and I deleted my previous input).

 

[Rodafina]

Being blocked and ignored is telling, and you do not deserve this. I think Mary Terry is right.

 

[Tom]

Not everyone who says they are autistic may actually be so. Some just think so, and even at the professional level there is still a lot of uncertainty and dispute on what is and isn't autism.

That said, you will find the same sort of behaviors in relationships with ASD and NT folks. Autism does not control how people's feelings or personality work. Tbh, there is nothing in your description that I can clearly point to and say 'that is an autistic tendency' and conversely infrequent in NTs. An autistic person might ghost you, but so might a NT.

In these cases I think it makes sense to take the autism out of the equation and consider the behavior on it's own merits (or lack of). If the guy wasn't on the spectrum and cut you off suddenly what would you think and do? I think that's where you are at. And from the sound of it I would call it ended and best for you to look ahead now, not backwards.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Ukgal12345

It's not clear what your objective is.

Possibilities from your posts:
* Achieve "closure"
* Understand what went wrong
* Stay in contact, but not as a romantic partner
* Recover the romantic relationship
* ...

Your first post suggests you know what the trigger events were, which is a small step forward.

FWIW: judging by previous posts in this forum ll of those objectives will be difficult to achieve, even "closure" if you want it via a dialog with your ex.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Forest Cat

IMO "ghosting" isn't necessarily unreasonable, and providing "closure" is not a duty. Correct behavior is relative.

For example, if you discover you've been betrayed by a "not a friend after all" person, you don't owe them anything, including your time.

IMO breakups can go either way, depending on what caused the breakup - there's no "default behavior".

 

[Ukgal12345]

Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that someone doesn't love you. The simplest "answer" to what happened is that he didn't love you or love you enough.

If that’s the case I don’t get why he made such an effort with my friends, booked things for my birthday I for next year. It seems like a lot for not real love. Sorry if I sound defensive I’m just really trying to understand

 

[Ukgal12345]

@Ukgal12345

It's not clear what your objective is.

Possibilities from your posts:
* Achieve "closure"
* Understand what went wrong
* Stay in contact, but not as a romantic partner
* Recover the romantic relationship
* ...

Your first post suggests you know what the trigger events were, which is a small step forward.

FWIW: judging by previous posts in this forum ll of those objectives will be difficult to achieve, even "closure" if you want it via a dialog with your ex.

If I’m being honest I would want to recover the romantic relationship, we were having such a great time and really connected and he always told me how amazing it felt to know someone who actually cared and made an effort with him.
The breakup definitely stems from my insecurities as it was after I checked if he was okay as felt he was a little distant which angered him greatly.

 

[Judge]

From my own perspective, I think it's possible that the most basic aspects of an intimate relationship proved to be too much for him. Particularly the idea of being together more often than not. A social dynamic that can be challenging for a number of us on the spectrum in that we must sacrifice a certain degree of solitude to make it work. He may have not been able to achieve it, or simply surmise that he didn't want to try. A perspective that may seem quite alien to many non-autistic people.

But how he went about ending the relationship, I don't think many of us could condone that. Maybe there's some room left in this equation for him to reconsider it all. Though even if you were to get back together again, it's difficult to speculate as to how well you can overcome past issues.

I want to say that he at least owes you an explanation, though I know from personal experience it may or may not be something he can easily verbalize. Not that it will give you much comfort, but it might be telling if he only socializes with others online, without any real commitments or real-life relationships. For some of us, even a basic and emotionally healthy relationship may simply be "over our head". With a possibility that we're unable to explain it to a former partner, with the reality that we may not be able to understand it ourselves.

What compels me to describe this in detail is mostly dependent on the fact that this was his first real relationship. Where things outwardly may have appeared quite pleasing, but inside he may have felt great struggle he could not share. That if we feel "socially smothered" for a desperate need of solitude so contrary to a relationship, that we may go into some kind of panic and react in some very ugly ways.

 

[Hypnalis]

If I’m being honest I would want to recover the romantic relationship, we were having such a great time and really connected and he always told me how amazing it felt to know someone who actually cared and made an effort with him.
The breakup definitely stems from my insecurities as it was after I checked if he was okay as felt he was a little distant which angered him greatly.

It's difficult for an ND and an NT to discuss something like this, and the reason it's difficult is one of the things that interfere with clarity, so I can't explain why /sigh.

Here's one ND's insights anyway:

* There's a good chance the "relationship discussions" caused a lot more harm than good
* I don't know if you tried to use your friends to "break the communications blockade", or if they thought they were helping, but either way it was almost certainly a mistake

And an assertion. You don't have to respond, but it's almost a question

There seems to be a gap in your narrative, concerning the nature and outcome of both "relationship discussions".
Regardless of your intention, my guess is that you ended up putting significant psychological pressure on your ex. You may not have noticed it directly (i.e. during the discussion) but you should have noticed small changes in his behavior afterwards.

 

[Rodafina]

I think a lot of people are forgetting that the relationship is only a few months old. For many many people it takes that long to let one’s true colors show.

You need to keep in mind the stages of a relationship and a few months is a very short period of time for actual love to develop. Yes, attraction, falling in love, different types of love are forming during that time, but it takes much longer to form the bond that we call love.

Your choice is before you, if he does this now, he is showing you how he deals with conflict. He will do it again and again and you will keep asking yourself these questions. He is showing you what he is and it is your choice whether or not to move on from it or get stuck with the seemingly unreasonable person.

Of course, we only have your side here, but that’s what we do, we support the posters as much as possible. We try to support the people that are hurting, and right now that seems like you. Like Tom said let’s leave Asperger’s out of it and this person has treated you wrongly and your attempts to fix it were poorly received. Objectively analyzing the data that’s been presented, this is a terrible match and will lead you to hardship and heartache and sorrow.

I am writing much more forcefully about this than I typically would, but I see your tendency to over analyze the situation in myself. I have wasted hours and days and years thinking about what was right or wrong about a relationship when you just have to base your information on what is exactly before you. You see what you’re dealing with now. Don’t learn any lessons that he wanted you to learn. Learn the lessons that you want to learn from this and move on from this person knowing that you deserve so much more than being ghosted and ignored.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

That is not autistic behavior. He's just a narcissistic manpig.

Good to not be with him. If you lived together, his self centeredness could have turned into abuse. Sounds like it was already psychological.

You deserve so much better than some oily beauhunk. Tell yourself that.

 

[paloftoon]

Since him following girls he previously dated bothered you and this was a discussion twice, it seems maybe you should've at least asked if you two should break up. It's hard to let go. It's possible he didn't love you or did and things changed. It's possible that he felt smushed and felt you were being too rigid with him. The girls he previously dated, did both of you still hang out with them? (I'm guessing no, because if you both did, then it shouldn't have been an issue.)

Maybe he isn't ready for a relationship like he thinks he is and really wants to be casual or maybe he is trying to look for something too perfect instead of going with "what works".
You seem like a nice person. I think YOU should also go back on Tinder or another app or do so when you're ready and try to find other people. Tinder is like a half casual/half committing app though. I'd recommend using OkC instead.

 

[Mary Terry]

If that’s the case I don’t get why he made such an effort with my friends, booked things for my birthday I for next year. It seems like a lot for not real love. Sorry if I sound defensive I’m just really trying to understand

Perhaps he initially thought that he could have a relationship with you but changed his mind later. He tried; it didn't work out.

 

[Gerontius]

The biggest issue here isn't the claim of being autistic, it's the fidelity issues & lack of respect for boundaries.

 

[mysterionz]

Just because somebody is autistic doesn’t mean they’re exempt from bad behavior.

 

[Hypnalis]

I don't think there's a villain in this story. And breakups (both mutual and one sided) don't need a villain.

The only documented bad behavior so far is OP's friends harassing ex-BF after he blocked OP.

Everything else is most easily explained as either a major communication failure, or a mismatch of some combination of expectations, life goals, emotional registers, and personal styles - which covers termination of the majority of impermanent romantic relationships.