I had a child who should have clearly been diagnosed as early as 2 or 3, but due to any amount of reasons (including his father's refusal to admit anything was wrong) -- never was.
After years of counseling, doctors, specialists, etc., it ended up with his doctor overhearing a rage during my phone call to him -- he arranged for him to be "admitted" for seven days (at age 14) to be evaluated.
Apparently, he was a perfect patient, with no obvious behavioral disorders. Someone felt inclined to diagnose him with ADD and to medicate him, which greatly improved his behavior and outlook. (By then, his father was no longer in the home & had NO custodial or other rights regarding mental healthcare or anything else).
Looking back at old medical and psychological reports which included discussions with "Patient's Father," I saw time after time that "Mom is only person who reports a problem," "Father claims issues are non-existent or over-exaggerated, etc."
Now, 20+ years later, I have a child who went from 12 years of SPeD education (Again, Dad didn't agree) ..... I never expected him to finish High School or be gainfully employed. He graduated college with a 4-year Conservation Law Enforcement degree (Game Warden) without using any of the SPeD resources at his college.
His life is wonderful ...... but it's only come to my attention relatively recently that raising him created yet another PTSD situation in my own life.
Of course, understanding now that I am also on the ASD spectrum is helpful in realizing how/why things created "trauma," as my anxiety level has always been extremely high. Living in a home full of constant stress and erratic behavior and having no one agree that "you are right" in what you are doing, saying, or thinking -- can be defeating.
I may have lost focus during your post, but I think this is applicable. Don't worry about whether his Dad agrees or disagrees with you, as long as he's not depriving him of his medication or doing anything that is inherently dangerous or unwise.
As for your son (like I've said, I wasn't diagnosed until 57) -- don't worry about the books. Don't try to "teach" him about his issues. If and when they arise, you can -- to the level that HE is concerned -- but otherwise, don't worry about it.
Concentrate on helping him do as much as HE feels he can, at the pace HE is comfortable. If you "notice" he appears socially awkward, and HE is bothered by it, approach it delicately -- usually by education with people, not from a book.
Education and references about anything these days is wonderful, but you also have to realize that some (not all) people writing them are not living with ASD issues. Even those who do, are only writing from their own perspective, or from those they've communicated with.
No two people are alike. When I was diagnosed, I was thrilled, because I have the time and energy (and interest) to look into the phenomena that many of us haven't been diagnosed, yet went on to have relatively normal, "diagnosis free" lives.
However, back when I was 13, 14, 15, etc. I was more concerned on getting through high school as a loner who couldn't figure out why I was "different" than others. I gravitated toward a group of similar friends and they, indirectly, exposed me to wonderful things such as: foreign languages and cultural exchanges, "platonic" friendships that last a lifetime, a love of theater and performance art, and a way to look at (and write) about my life with humor.
We are all very anxious (inwardly or outwardly), and "words" burn into our brains; sometimes out of context; always remembered at the wrong time. If I had to walk around with words like "Autism" or "Asperger's" (which weren't even topics when I was young), it would have added yet another dialogue for me to remember, misunderstand, take out of context, etc.
Especially today, with information so widely available, people look up symptoms (or syndromes) and just assume the worst. If your son is computer (or phone) literate and has access to the internet, chances are he's doing his own research. If he is not that functional, it's likely not all that important for him to know at exactly the time you "learn" it -- (i.e. diagnosis).
Consider watching him and educating yourself at the same time, because chances are in a year -- you'll understand a great deal more than you do now (about both of you). Each year, you'll learn more. When the time is "right" (if ever) for him to learn or know (or whatever), you'll probably know that it's time to start a discussion.
Even then, you want to "suggest" some things that might be affecting (or upsetting) him, without assuming ".... that's part of Asperger's, like we talked about..." No one wants to be labeled, because truly, we are all individuals.
I'm extremely outgoing and comfortable with people, and most who meet (or know) me wouldn't have any idea I was on the spectrum until they realize how formally I write or answer questions. (My lack of ability to stay on target is ADHD)
The most important thing is to take each day (even if it means hours or minutes) as they come; there is no instruction manual.
Looking back, again, I would suggest you seek out a support group for parents of children on the spectrum. You are likely to need an emotional support system of others who know EXACTLY what you are speaking about -- even if they can only relate it to their own lives.
Good luck -- parenting children is difficult. Parents with families that are more challenging than others are teaching us how we should treat the next generation TO MAKE A BETTER FUTURE.
