Aspergers insight

[Bazinga83]

Hi, I was seeing a guy who may have Aspergers. A social worker said it sounds like he does have. Ive looked it up and he does have a lot of these traits. Apart from lack of eye contact.. He has no problems there, quite the opposite. He mentioned before we met that he has some 'fundamental flaws' he was worried about. Things were great and he said its unusual for him to be the way he was with me (at the time I didn't realise what a big deal it was for him).

Problems started arising when I felt he was being different. I'm an emotional person. He has emotions but doesn't express them outwardly, even though he was able to do this at the very start. He was very intense at the start and kept worrying that he had said something to put me off. He said he has never wanted someone to like him so much.. normally he doesn't care.

He always told me he wouldn't end it but after a spat and 2 weeks of silent treatment I saw him and he was in awe of me when he saw me and was considering that we might be ok. The following day he became cold and scary. He was getting really agitated with me. He said it's not that he doesn't want me, that he still really likes me and thinks I'd be an amazing girlfriend but he wishes I had been with a couple of guys before him to get all my emotion out (I'm a young widow with a little boy).

Because our relationship was so intense at the start I was overwhelmed by emotion. I wanted to meet just one guy I really like.. not date a few guys. He said he couldn't risk more emotion coming out as there are kids involved and he didn't want things going wrong later.

I go with my heart whereas he goes with his head. He shuts his heart off. He struggles to deal with other people's emotions especially crying. He says I am important enough for him to have to compartmentalise me.

I'm heartbroken which he showed no compassion for. He said he cares about me but it doesn't feel like it. Now he won't have a conversation with me.. he doesn't want to like me and can't allow himself to be with me because he says it won't work and once his mind has been changed it can't be changed back.

I have found it all very frustrating. I still have strong feelings for him still and I miss him. I do understand him more and I think I could manage it better but he won't risk it.

Can someone tell me more about compartmentalisation please? I read it can be a defence mechanism. He is always concerned about self preservation. Any advice would be great.

 

[MrSpock]

Has he told you that he shuts his heart off? I cannot. I do compartmentalise, I try to where love is concerned sometimes, not very successfully but it allows me to function with relatively little distraction.

Sometimes a woman can make me think about her all the time, especially when communication is difficult and I have to analyse the heck out of everything to try to understand where we are in our relationship. I can be trying to do something else and find it difficult to hold a train of thought that is not about her. When he tells you that you're so important that he needs to compartmentalise you, it may (MAY) be that you affect him in this way.

It sounds to me as though he's made up his mind, but then love conquers all. If for whatever reason you still wish to understand more about him without involving him, I suggest you read more threads from this (love, relationships and dating) section. We are each different, autistic traits are as though in a grab-bag and we each have an apparently random selection of these traits, so what one of us has to deal with is not something that all of us have to deal with. None of these threads will be about your guy specifically, but you may recognize some common themes. It may help you to realize why he seems so preoccupied with self-preservation, this is a very difficult arena for most of us. We can get hurt and hurt the other without the other being aware of what is going on, misunderstanding is par for the course.

Welcome, and good luck.

 

[Tom]

Its hard to say someone is or isn't on the spectrum. Even medical professionals have a lot of difficulty in this area. From what is given, it might be so. At least difficulties with relationships and emotions are common. So is the black & white thinking.

In my opinion for this to have worked it would have required him to actively recognized his problems and sought professional medical help, maybe for an extended time. Some learn the hard way, but that takes even longer (years if not decades).

 

[Bazinga83]

Hi, thanks for your response.

This guy analyses everything and has scenarios in a spectrum from negative through to positive. Even before we met we had a strong connection over the phone and we spoke for hours, which is something neither of us do normally, especially him. The connection got stronger when we met. He said he doesn't normally feel that way about someone so soon. He said his behaviour with me was unusual for him. He did say that he couldn't get me out of his mind.. I think it was interfering with work and other obligations. He said that I was going to be a problem for him. His rational mind then kicked in and things flattened a bit which I wasn't ready for. His need to preserve himself is because of past relationships that haven't worked out and he can self sabotage. He doesn't like to feel vulnerable as it can be used against you, but I feel like he's used mine against me. He said he could have thrown caution to the wind with me but he couldn't because of past experience and that we have children. I just wanted to live in the moment and let things unfold naturally but he appeared to feel the need to control it which I found frustrating. It's like he switched his feelings off and his mind took over. He says he closes his heart off but this stops him from being happy. Whereas I feel everything through my heart which he also knows. He opened my heart back up after my late partner died and now it's in pain.

He thought about me a lot over the 2 weeks he was silent. He goes over and over things, which is something I do too. I'd imagine I will still be on his mind to some extent. Compartmenalising me I suppose is a way of putting his thoughts and feelings away for me so he can focus on everything else. I asked if he could take me out of this box. He said he could try but it doesn't just happen. I don't really understand it.. how do you get taken out of the box? He compartmentalises his friends too. He knows I don't want to move on and I feel like I can't because of my feelings for him. I told him it's up to him now. I've had no response. I don't know how to get him to open back up again. I just don't understand how he can have felt the way he did about me and just cut me off. It's brutal. How he sees a future and us moving in together to 2 weeks later saying he doesn't see it working. My feelings don't change that quickly. I can still message him and he told me I could, but I rarely get a reply when I can see he has read it. He knows ignoring me hurts me. Could it be because he's trying to keep me compartmentalised? Is he meaning to hurt me? I told him he is but he doesn't respond. How is this caring? He thinks he's doing me a favour in the long run. He asked me to be open with him so I was. I am a very honest person, maybe I was too honest.. I think I may have hurt him without knowing. Thing is he didn't tell me if I upset him so we could discuss it. He would go away and analyse what it meant instead of talking to me. His analysis of it would be all wrong. He has projected a lot of his past relationships on to me which I told him I didn't like. I felt like I was being tested to which he told me he wasn't playing games with me. I felt like I was walking on eggshells because he would move the goalposts. He told me he can't be just friends with me which is something he has always said. Maybe it is for the best but it felt like it would have been right if he had let go a bit more.

Oh also I read somewhere that Aspies can sometimes unintentionally gaslight...is this correct? There was some gaslighting going on which is something I became very confused about and the reason we were having issues. I didn't know what it was at the time. Sometimes he would forget things he had said and when I brought it up later he would sound genuinely surprised and asked when he said it. He would then justify it or alter what he meant by it. He has his insecurities so I don't know if it was intentional or not. Crazy making behaviour.

 

[Phanelope]

I've learnt a bit about eye contact in the last few weeks. No 1. NT people don't have to think about it! This blew my mind. I thought everyone thought about it, but nope. Apparently it just happens unconsciously. I've also learnt that while I can maintain eye contact when the other person is talking, I find it difficult to focus on what the person is saying. I also find it almost impossible to speak to someone while maintaining eye contact. It's uncomfortable, I constantly want to look away, and if I don't it makes me dizzy. I only discovered this recently as I didn't realise until my assessment that I don't maintain eye contact when I speak.

So I guess what I'm saying is, eye contact isn't the best indicator of autism/aspergers. Because someone might be able to do it but it doesn't come naturally to them, or it makes them uncomfortable, or it makes it hard for them to hear what you're saying.

 

[WittyAspie]

I’m sorry you’re in a really painful place right now. The death of someone so close takes a lot of grieving to get through. This current relationship sounds like fuel on the flames of hurt. I would suggest doing what you can to get over this guy. He is not healthy for you. He is not the one who will help you heal. I wish I had something more positive to say.

 

[MrSpock]

I don't know how he may have gone about putting you in a box, so can't say anything about how he might take you out.

Communication can be very difficult, he may be taking a long time to digest what's happened and determine what you mean by what you've already said. He may process the words and non-verbal communication very differently from you (very likely), and it may be work just to make any kind of sense of the whole thing to date. From my own experience where romance is concerned a great deal of the information I receive contradicts the rest, I seem to miss a great deal of it and have trouble interpreting the rest.

It's easy to underestimate the problems this can cause, particularly when you don't understand that miscommunication has happened. I've previously been aware of miscommunication and been fairly sure that she was unaware, but it's a very difficult thing to explain to someone who's being emotional about the insult caused by the misunderstanding, they don't want to listen to an explanation of why their interpretation is invalid. If that is happening, perhaps you've assumed there to be some common ground where none exists. That's not to say that you have no common ground whatsoever, rather that, for example, you've assumed that everybody likes chocolate, but he does not.

Miscommunication can look like gaslighting. When we undo miscommunication we must reinterpret how we saw things with the new understanding of the other's intent. If the new understanding gives someone a new understanding of words spoken at the time an honest response will require a different answer much of the time. I personally seem to appear to others to be trying to fix things that have passed already in relationships. I'm told to forget about it and not worry, that it adds stress to worry about it. But I worry about the miscommunication, when I see something repeating it's good to find out why and make it stop. I will want to discuss it, and during that process try to correct misunderstandings by offering words that you will hopefully not misinterpret this time.

Please don't think that I'm trying to blame anyone here. "Misinterpret" does not imply fault, rather it means that the idea that the sender has in their mind is not the same as the idea that the receiver has in their mind. Blame is irrelevant. It requires the cooperation of both people, and you succeed or fail as a team... you may not always be aware of your failures. You may think that the other person is gaslighting, being evasive, or indicating disinterest when they're not aware of what information you believe you're receiving.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I personally seem to appear to others to be trying to fix things that have passed already in relationships. I'm told to forget about it and not worry, that it adds stress to worry about it. But I worry about the miscommunication, when I see something repeating it's good to find out why and make it stop

Often the patterns repeat. When someone thinks emotionally they don't often think of things in terms of repeating patterns.

It took me about 18 years to cross the divide.

To obtain the patience from my significant other.

You got that amount of time?

fault, rather it means that the idea that the sender has in their mind is not the same as the idea that the receiver has in their mind

Often,if I ask a question blame can be interpreted.
It can be more to do with self image, how one has created the image of themselves. Often an uncosncious process.
The emotional leaps and assumptions can be tough to break down.
As it is very repetitive and seems like a waste of time.

IMO, often the aspie can be the one that suffers from lack of patience and understanding in this respect.

Misunderstandings are manifold.

The difficulties will be in understanding your own expectations clearly.

Often these things are unconscious, but put an expectation on the other person to read that expectation.
With ASD .- it's less likely to happen.

(Ie why you were crying,why you felt he showed no compassion. The root of this can be your own expectations)

 

[BraidedPony]

My advice is find someone else. You dont feel loved and you aren’t happy with him.

 

[Bazinga83]

I've learnt a bit about eye contact in the last few weeks. No 1. NT people don't have to think about it! This blew my mind. I thought everyone thought about it, but nope. Apparently it just happens unconsciously. I've also learnt that while I can maintain eye contact when the other person is talking, I find it difficult to focus on what the person is saying. I also find it almost impossible to speak to someone while maintaining eye contact. It's uncomfortable, I constantly want to look away, and if I don't it makes me dizzy. I only discovered this recently as I didn't realise until my assessment that I don't maintain eye contact when I speak.

So I guess what I'm saying is, eye contact isn't the best indicator of autism/aspergers. Because someone might be able to do it but it doesn't come naturally to them, or it makes them uncomfortable, or it makes it hard for them to hear what you're saying.

Hi, I too have problems with eye contact.. I have to think about looking someone in the eyes whilst talking to them. I'll look away and glance back. It also depends on how well I know the person. I didn't have this problem with him though. He would actually stare into my eyes. I

It's come to light that he may have a concerning problem.. hence my confusion over some of his behaviour.

 

[Bazinga83]

I don't know how he may have gone about putting you in a box, so can't say anything about how he might take you out.

Communication can be very difficult, he may be taking a long time to digest what's happened and determine what you mean by what you've already said. He may process the words and non-verbal communication very differently from you (very likely), and it may be work just to make any kind of sense of the whole thing to date. From my own experience where romance is concerned a great deal of the information I receive contradicts the rest, I seem to miss a great deal of it and have trouble interpreting the rest.

It's easy to underestimate the problems this can cause, particularly when you don't understand that miscommunication has happened. I've previously been aware of miscommunication and been fairly sure that she was unaware, but it's a very difficult thing to explain to someone who's being emotional about the insult caused by the misunderstanding, they don't want to listen to an explanation of why their interpretation is invalid. If that is happening, perhaps you've assumed there to be some common ground where none exists. That's not to say that you have no common ground whatsoever, rather that, for example, you've assumed that everybody likes chocolate, but he does not.

Miscommunication can look like gaslighting. When we undo miscommunication we must reinterpret how we saw things with the new understanding of the other's intent. If the new understanding gives someone a new understanding of words spoken at the time an honest response will require a different answer much of the time. I personally seem to appear to others to be trying to fix things that have passed already in relationships. I'm told to forget about it and not worry, that it adds stress to worry about it. But I worry about the miscommunication, when I see something repeating it's good to find out why and make it stop. I will want to discuss it, and during that process try to correct misunderstandings by offering words that you will hopefully not misinterpret this time.

Please don't think that I'm trying to blame anyone here. "Misinterpret" does not imply fault, rather it means that the idea that the sender has in their mind is not the same as the idea that the receiver has in their mind. Blame is irrelevant. It requires the cooperation of both people, and you succeed or fail as a team... you may not always be aware of your failures. You may think that the other person is gaslighting, being evasive, or indicating disinterest when they're not aware of what information you believe you're receiving.

Hi, well it's confusing as it appears to have been me trying to fix any miscommunication. He would interpret something I said as a slight then he would accuse me of said slight. Even if I corrected him it didn't matter.. what he believed was the correct interpretation. It didn't matter what I said. He would also tell me what I was thinking and feeling.. these were also incorrect but there was no telling him. He therefore based everything upon these miscommunications. It has confused me terribly. He told me he had fundamental flaws he was worried about before we met. He can be paranoid. He told me he holds a grudge back to school days (he's 41) and gets revenge psychologically. He told me all of his past relationships have been ruined beyond repair due to him bottling up any perceived real or imagined slights and them all coming out in one go. He wanted to do it differently with me and be transparent from the start but he would still hold onto things and analyse them without just asking me what I actually meant by it. Rather than tell me he was upset by it (he doesn't like feeling vulnerable) he would accuse me of trying to engineer things etc. These were the times he would project. He would encourage me to be open and honest but would then use it against me.. I felt like I was being punished.

The thing with the gaslighting is that he would just change the meaning of what he said, especially when he was cross with me and later he completely denied saying it. One time he said "take that information and do with it what you will" to me this creates miscommunication and not trying to resolve it. He says he doesn't like ambiguity but he was ambiguous all the time. It was so confusing yet trying to communicate with him it didn't make it better as he would cause more confusion and upset me by getting cross with me. I don't like ambiguity.. I like to understand everything but no matter how hard I tried to resolve miscommunications I couldn't win. He would get fed up with my trying to simply understand as it was causing me a lot of anxiety. He couldn't see from my perspective how confusing and distressing it was for me. I always kept him aware of how I was perceiving things like he asked me to. As a person I'm very hard on myself, I blame myself, I reflect on my behaviours as I know I'm not perfect. I've apologised over and over for anything I may have done but he takes no responsibility for anything. It's only from speaking to a therapist that I have been informed of the subtle manipulations, gaslighting, controlling behaviour etc. At the time I didn't know what was going on. He also love bombed me.. another phrase I had never heard of before. I have been extremely upset over these revelations and feel like he wasn't the man I thought he was. He was also incredibly insensitive to my situation as a widow in the end. He was understanding and caring at first. He completely changed character.

 

[MrSpock]

If what you say is true he has many more problems than being on the spectrum. It's possible that a lifetime of poor treatment from others has led to development of some very negative habits, and to reach him would pose an unfair burden on anyone; it's unfortunate that so many people have such a path through life.

I can't exactly say that I think you should feel good about it, but I hope you don't feel too badly.

 

[Bazinga83]

Often the patterns repeat. When someone thinks emotionally they don't often think of things in terms of repeating patterns.

It took me about 18 years to cross the divide.

To obtain the patience from my significant other.

You got that amount of time?



Often,if I ask a question blame can be interpreted.
It can be more to do with self image, how one has created the image of themselves. Often an uncosncious process.
The emotional leaps and assumptions can be tough to break down.
As it is very repetitive and seems like a waste of time.

IMO, often the aspie can be the one that suffers from lack of patience and understanding in this respect.

Misunderstandings are manifold.

The difficulties will be in understanding your own expectations clearly.

Often these things are unconscious, but put an expectation on the other person to read that expectation.
With ASD .- it's less likely to happen.

(Ie why you were crying,why you felt he showed no compassion. The root of this can be your own expectations)

Hi, I feel this was the other way round with us. If I asked a question I was blamed. I like to be clear on everything. I've written a lot in an another response if you want to have a look. I was always open and honest as he asked me to be. Some of my expectations probably did end up hurting me but it's because I felt before and when I met him he was a different person. He completely changed his behaviour and character which made me insecure. I was extremely confused by this and felt duped. He showed no compassion because when I got upset he would get angry with me. I think he felt that because I got upset it meant I was saying who he is and how he feels is wrong. I wasn't though.. I was upset because this was not the man I met. If he had been who he is from the start and was completely transparent there wouldn't have been anything for me to get upset about. If I feel someone has been untruthful or not been genuine I take this hard. He made me feel like I could trust him by opening up but I got to the point where although he still encouraged me to be open I was nervous about doing so. I was blamed and punished every time I did. If I showed emotion that only made matters worse.

 

[Bazinga83]

If what you say is true he has many more problems than being on the spectrum. It's possible that a lifetime of poor treatment from others has led to development of some very negative habits, and to reach him would pose an unfair burden on anyone; it's unfortunate that so many people have such a path through life.

I can't exactly say that I think you should feel good about it, but I hope you don't feel too badly.

That is what I feel may have happened. He told me he was a geek at school and with him holding grudges right back to that time I believe he may have been bullied. There is the possibility of a personality disorder.

I really do still care for him and I miss him despite how much he has hurt me. I haven't spoken to him in 3 months. At times I want to reach out but I can't take him hurting me anymore. I can't risk it in my position as I have a 5 year old I'm trying to support. I want to help him but I realise I probably can't and I don't know if he wants help anyway. He detaches from his emotions very easily for self preservation as he can self sabotage. This obviously isn't healthy but is probably an unconscious response, and possibly the reason I have been compartmentalised.