Asperger's persuasive.

[Tony Ramirez]

I wonder if this is an Asperger ASD trait.

I chat with this girl on WhatsApp from the Church. She did not get back to me in a few days and I kept messaging her about my issues. I was afraid she ghosted me.

She got back to me politely today and said I am glad I am getting help with an non Aspergers faith struggle I am going through.

She did say politely that she can't get back to me right and not to keep posting comments. I apologize and made it my best effort not to do it again.

The thing is I also did stupid things like this. If someone does not get back to me after a while I get inpatient and start to pester them. So is this an Asperger trait as I don't want to lose her as a friend not thinking.

 

[Pats]

She doesn't really sound like a friend. I know sometimes people say they'll get back to you later and forget, but after a few times that they never do, I give up and figure they're not interested in getting back to me.

 

[Alexej]

... an non Aspergers faith struggle ...

Maybe I am going off on a tangent here, being overly literal.

what is a non Asperger's faith struggle?
what is an Asperger's faith struggle?

If you ask somebody a question and they don't get back to you, even after a few "reminders" I would draw the conclusion that they might be ghosting. I dont see your reaction as a trait of Asperger's.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am going through stressful times. I am going through a private sin that's for the guys. I did not tell the girl that.

She is not ghosting me. She does have a busy life and it is completely my fault for my persuasive action.

What I am asking here nevermind what she said or my private issues. Do people with ASD Asperger react like this when someone does not get back to them right away? I ask because before I recently got friends. I use to do this with my male cousins when I was younger and had no friends and it drove them away sometimes.

 

[Giraffes]

Wanting a response to YOUR wants and needs may be seen as 'needy regardless of Autism

 

[Rasputin]

Continuing to ask repeatedly is not an Asperger's trait as far as I know. It has the appearance of insecurity though.

 

[Fino]

When people don't get back to me, I stop talking to them forever.

 

[Aspychata]

Maybe if you look at every connection as a 50/50 % percent chance of happening then you won't feel let down. Allow for somethings to work, and allow for somethings not to work. If you attach to much importance then you will feel let down.
Sorry to hear you are struggling right now. You can get through this. Can you access some free therapy? I think you said you were in counseling at some point.
People are dealing with a lot of unknowns and this can be hard to transition thru. I am concentrating on just dealing with my drama. I have to be more helpful to my friends but l have less time for sadness because the world is in pain now.

 

[Crossbreed]

Do people with ASD Asperger react like this when someone does not get back to them right away? I ask because before I recently got friends. I use to do this with my male cousins when I was younger and had no friends and it drove them away sometimes.

Misreading social cues is what we do. Just try to learn from your mistakes.

 

[Progster]

Do people with ASD Asperger react like this when someone does not get back to them right away?

I can only speak for myself, but yes - I think that it is impolite not to get back to people when they email or text me with a question or or message that needs some kind of reply - I might not do it right away, but I will eventually. I've had problems in the past with people misinterpreting the fact that I don't reply right away, or because I don't get in touch for a long time and they think that they have offended me when that is not the case, I'm just not that social, or I may have something else going on in my life like an extra work project or, a few years back, the cancer treatment.

If you are sending lots of emails, especially if they are saying the same or similar things, that is often interpreted as spam, or is overwhelming. Try to retrict the number of messages to one a week - always give a few days to reply, and if they haven't got back to you after abut a week, gently and politely ask them again, then. if they still don't get back, that means that they want to stop the contact. It seems that this person handled it well, as she was polite and direct with you, but unfortunately not all people handle it so well. Most just don't reply. Don't expect too much from people. Often things are more important for us than they are for them. If they reciprocate, then great, if not, just move on and try not to attach too much importance to it.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

Continuing to ask repeatedly is not an Asperger's trait as far as I know. ...

Except when it is perseverating. The "remedy" is simple, give yourself permission to crowd out that moment of life with something else. Or permission to do the same thing a different way. Or leave it till later. Or skip every other time. It does take lots of practice. Above all, don't feel stupid for feeling stupid.

 

[SDRSpark]

I have this tendency, but only with certain people.

I've realized that, if I'm that way with certain people, it's because there's something about them that's triggering anxiety. I don't know if it's an autism thing, but it's definitely an anxiety thing. Since it doesn't happen with everyone, I know it's something about them that triggers that response in me.

You don't have to pester real friends for a response. People get busy, and you shouldn't expect an immediate response, or even a response all the time (I'm the master of forgetting to get back to people and I'm very up front about that) but if someone says you're their friend, but only wants to be your friend when it's convenient for them, they're either lying about being your friend or they have a very different idea of what constitutes friendship than I do. Either way, you're better off moving on because those kind of "friends" are a lot more trouble than they're worth.

 

[onlything]

Hmm, I always have a problem with discerning what's socially acceptable and what isn't through Whatsapp. Most of the time I try to limit myself to two/three moderate/short Whatsapp messages if I know the person quite well (one/two if I don't) and try not to start conversation without much input from the other side (so if I had started the conversation we just finished, I won't write until they start the new one). Too many messages can be seen as needy and annoying, and I'm not interested in putting more effort into a relationship than others anymore.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Also forgot to say that she turns off notifications in WhatsApp and possibly her device too. So she has to open WhatsApp to check her messages as she gets many messages from others she chats with.

I just realized she told me this when we started to message so it's completely my fault. She is also very busy working at home as I am glad she still has a job.

 

[AngelaS267]

I'm not sure. I wish I pestered people, because eventually you'll find someone who's fine with it. I don't get back to people AT ALL. I hate that I do it but I genuinely hate communicating through the phone. Never personal, but damn, I've ruined a lot of potential friendships/relationships not getting back to people.

 

[onlything]

Also forgot to say that she turns off notifications in WhatsApp and possibly her device too. So she has to open WhatsApp to check her messages as she gets many messages from others she chats with.

I just realized she told me this when we started to message so it's completely my fault. She is also very busy working at home as I am glad she still has a job.

You definitely made a mistake here by pestering her too much. You can only wait for her move now but don't be surprised if it doesn't come.

It's a lesson you can learn from, although a painful one. You'll know better how to act next time.

In communication, you need the right balance in the amount of writing, it's quite the art of conversation if you watch it closely enough, amazing how often NTs just easily get it. However, balance is something we on the spectrum can struggle quite a bit with, often doing too much in one direction or the other - answering too much, or not answering at all. Creating rules that would fit you and people you talk with is a must, but it takes time. Don't get discouraged if you find difficulty in it, it's something we learn by getting to know the rules, patterns and through observation - and how do you stay within the rules if you don't know what they are? Through trial and error. You'll get there, although you'll probably make a lot of mistakes on the way.

Edit: Just some basic rules I learnt:

1. No one likes when you monologue. Make sure to ask as many questions of another as the number of things you say about yourself - and don't ignore the questions, read them and answer appropriately.
2. No one likes when you overshare. Don't share too much about yourself too quickly, especially if you don't know the person that well. It will not only throw them off, it will make you seem as needy, weird, negative and to be avoided.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thanks for the reply. I use to avoid people but lately because of the medication I am on I am more clingy. I have it even more now that with this social isolation pandemic going on. I know now not to message someone too much if I don't hear back. I even did this with the Pastor however he got back to me a few days later asking how I was doing so I replied back. I won't be over messaging him either.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe the Asperger's brain (or one type of Asperger brain) simply finds that as long as someone is a Schrödinger's friend you should think the best. It might not be obvious, but I was told as a child to always think the best of people, literally instructed to, and it has been damaging.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

She replied back saying that I am a good person, understands me and that people not just her from the Church sometimes don't reply right away. As I said in previous posts, everyone from the Church I meet are super friendly. They never told me to "go away" or ignored me they as they eventually reply to my posts. I even talked to my friend Justin on the phone too.

 

[SDRSpark]

Maybe the Asperger's brain (or one type of Asperger brain) simply finds that as long as someone is a Schrödinger's friend you should think the best. It might not be obvious, but I was told as a child to always think the best of people, literally instructed to, and it has been damaging.

I'm the same way...when someone is giving mixed signals, I tend to default to the ones that are easiest to interpret (so for example, if someone says one thing, but their body language says another thing, I default to what they verbally tell me, because it's easiest to interpret. Also I don't find body language to be that reliable, because I know mine isn't.)