Hi there everybody,
First off, I don't think I've posted on an internet forum since I was 12 so I-m a bit new to this...
I guess I'm just hoping for some advice/thoughts if anyone's kind enough o spare a moment.
I haven't been diagnosed with anything... Id heard about Aspergers a couple of times in my life for one symptom or another and wondered if I had it because of that symptom, but then dismissed it because I thought it was 'The Genius' disease and guess I thought the idea arrogant of myself. I didn't actually look into all the symptoms, so basically spent my whole life dysfunctional for various separate things. This is where I do the listing symptoms thing if anyone wants to skip the next part!
As a child I was extremely sensitive to other peoples emotions and often thought they were my own. This led to me suffering trauma as a child because I was living the symptoms of other peoples' trauma.
Apart from fleeting instances I had no friends either at primary school or secondary school, although ironically got on very well with an Autistic kid and other kids with severe learning difficulties because I felt like I understood what they felt though they weren't communicating it.
I had the crap bullied out of me at secondary school. Aged 10 the teachers held meetings about how to get me to make friends. I would sit on the chair outside the classroom and read waiting for lunch to end. At one point I began jumping from one end of the bench to the other repeatedly unti they called people on me because I was acting weird. At secondary school I hid in the library because of the bullying.
I dropped out of school aged 12 and spent the next 4 years in severe depression during which time I rarely left the house. Partly this was because I developed massive and diverse OCD which beside washing my hands endlessly involved spraying anti-bacterial spray at people when they came near me because I thought their energy had contaminated the space and being neither able to take a step or eat food when specific thoughts were in my head. This was agony for my 3 siblings who had to deal with my stress outbursts and refusing to eat food cooked by anyone.
Aged 15 I began seeing a homeopath and, after a year, enrolled in college. I had no GCSEs of course but insisted on doing A levels. College was totally different. People nicknamed me 'random' for the ideas and thoguhts that came out of my head, found me hilarious and totally accepted me. For one year I had a social life. Then I became a recluse geek by choice, adhering to a rigi, highly controlled study routine that resulted in me getting straight As and being featured in the local paper, wherein I was asked to jump so they could take the shot with me in the air which as a side note seemed ridiculous.
I went to uni and first year was depressive but I became obsessed with a drum n bass club and absolutely transfixed by how much I could lose myself dancing in the music. Dance literally saved me whilst in severe depression. This became a pattern for all years thereafter.
I dropped out of uni with depression after 2 years. Got therapy, went back 2 years later. My mum got diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully by now I no longer had depression but was exhausted looking after my mum and being in final year, worked my ass off and got a distinction / best mark in the year. I took languages.. sorry, not Astrophysics or maths or anything. As a high/school drop out I actually don't know any maths.
My mum died just after I graduated from uni, so I cant ask her and my dad and I were not in contact while I was growing up.
Understandably, given my background, I've had a lot of symptoms I just thought of as due to my background:
The OCD
A tic whereby I clench my stomach muscles or shrug my shoulders about every 15 seconds
Feeling stressed when in social situations.
But I also have a lot of other symptoms
Absolute intolerance to noise. Its agony. I cant sleep when I hear people. Or study. Or think. I take earplugs with me everywhere.
I cant go to shopping centres, beaches, crowded places, the uni library... theres people everywhere and they are so so loud and consequently I spend most of my time hating people
I'm very honest with people. I'll say things like 'How does it feel to be old>[ or when a teacher asks why Im absent mid-class respond that 'I'm bored' and get kicked-out. I constantly offend people by accident then get shouted at.
I take things very literally and and become increasingly distressed when people don't communicate clearly and literally with me.
People ask me why I separate my food then eat it sequentially. I hadn't noticed.
I'm obsessive about particular topics. I think about them in the bath, at breakfast, on the bus, while people talking, while Im having sex. Im a Masters student now and I start at 9am then read until midnight. I don't answer my phone. I cancel plans because I don't want to go out because I'm too interested in what I'm doing. I know I should live a balanced life but I don't want to because I like what I'm doing.
People have minimal interest to me unless I can learn from them... and fast. Usually my conversations begin about a book Im reading. If someone doesn't engage, or at least tell me aboutn something really interesting they know about, Im bored and Ill ignore them forever after. People describe me as aloof and rude. Partly I just don't find them interesting, partyly the noise in social places is agonising, partly I just forget they exist because Im reading. But I do feel lonely, ALL the time and wish I had more friends. But then I start reading and after a few days realise I have 6 people writing to me and I just ignored them.
I do have friends, but I see them rarely and usually on a one/to/one basis, with reluctance.
I was okay in my life until my amazing boyfriend... who says he loves me for my brain... got a repeated boll"***** off me because he would arrive late and we'd miss plans and I would banish him for a weekend saying things like 'Go away. You are too emotional for me right now' while he would cry and think we were breaking up.
Amidst all this I googled Aspergers again and it started to look familiar. I spokem to my sisters. One of them told me that our mum had mentioned she thought I might have a form of autism but no one mentioned it to me. I spoke to my other sister, and she said in a conversation with our dad he had told her not to get mad at me for getting mad at her about time/management because apparently he thought I was some kind of autistic aswell. Again nobody mentioned it.
Yet when I asked my best friend, and siblings and boyfriend about it, they seem really against the idea of me having Aspergers.My best friend first said 'You don't have that you can make eye contact those symptoms describe me not you. Then, youre not a genius like Einstein you cant have it. I asked my boyfriend and he was like, well those symptoms describe me, I I organise my CDs alphabetically and clean everything and love numbers you're just normal. And when I told my sister I didn't know about doing the diagnosis she didn't even respond she jsust said 'yeah I've got loads of learning disorders (about herself).
I'm feeling discouraged by the way people have reacted and thinking maybe its not worth 90 pounds for an assessment if I'm just being a hypochondriac.
I realise this sounds a big whine, but I'd be grateful to hear anyone's thoughts, pretty much on this!
Thank you!
First off, I don't think I've posted on an internet forum since I was 12 so I-m a bit new to this...
I guess I'm just hoping for some advice/thoughts if anyone's kind enough o spare a moment.
I haven't been diagnosed with anything... Id heard about Aspergers a couple of times in my life for one symptom or another and wondered if I had it because of that symptom, but then dismissed it because I thought it was 'The Genius' disease and guess I thought the idea arrogant of myself. I didn't actually look into all the symptoms, so basically spent my whole life dysfunctional for various separate things. This is where I do the listing symptoms thing if anyone wants to skip the next part!
As a child I was extremely sensitive to other peoples emotions and often thought they were my own. This led to me suffering trauma as a child because I was living the symptoms of other peoples' trauma.
Apart from fleeting instances I had no friends either at primary school or secondary school, although ironically got on very well with an Autistic kid and other kids with severe learning difficulties because I felt like I understood what they felt though they weren't communicating it.
I had the crap bullied out of me at secondary school. Aged 10 the teachers held meetings about how to get me to make friends. I would sit on the chair outside the classroom and read waiting for lunch to end. At one point I began jumping from one end of the bench to the other repeatedly unti they called people on me because I was acting weird. At secondary school I hid in the library because of the bullying.
I dropped out of school aged 12 and spent the next 4 years in severe depression during which time I rarely left the house. Partly this was because I developed massive and diverse OCD which beside washing my hands endlessly involved spraying anti-bacterial spray at people when they came near me because I thought their energy had contaminated the space and being neither able to take a step or eat food when specific thoughts were in my head. This was agony for my 3 siblings who had to deal with my stress outbursts and refusing to eat food cooked by anyone.
Aged 15 I began seeing a homeopath and, after a year, enrolled in college. I had no GCSEs of course but insisted on doing A levels. College was totally different. People nicknamed me 'random' for the ideas and thoguhts that came out of my head, found me hilarious and totally accepted me. For one year I had a social life. Then I became a recluse geek by choice, adhering to a rigi, highly controlled study routine that resulted in me getting straight As and being featured in the local paper, wherein I was asked to jump so they could take the shot with me in the air which as a side note seemed ridiculous.
I went to uni and first year was depressive but I became obsessed with a drum n bass club and absolutely transfixed by how much I could lose myself dancing in the music. Dance literally saved me whilst in severe depression. This became a pattern for all years thereafter.
I dropped out of uni with depression after 2 years. Got therapy, went back 2 years later. My mum got diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully by now I no longer had depression but was exhausted looking after my mum and being in final year, worked my ass off and got a distinction / best mark in the year. I took languages.. sorry, not Astrophysics or maths or anything. As a high/school drop out I actually don't know any maths.
My mum died just after I graduated from uni, so I cant ask her and my dad and I were not in contact while I was growing up.
Understandably, given my background, I've had a lot of symptoms I just thought of as due to my background:
The OCD
A tic whereby I clench my stomach muscles or shrug my shoulders about every 15 seconds
Feeling stressed when in social situations.
But I also have a lot of other symptoms
Absolute intolerance to noise. Its agony. I cant sleep when I hear people. Or study. Or think. I take earplugs with me everywhere.
I cant go to shopping centres, beaches, crowded places, the uni library... theres people everywhere and they are so so loud and consequently I spend most of my time hating people
I'm very honest with people. I'll say things like 'How does it feel to be old>[ or when a teacher asks why Im absent mid-class respond that 'I'm bored' and get kicked-out. I constantly offend people by accident then get shouted at.
I take things very literally and and become increasingly distressed when people don't communicate clearly and literally with me.
People ask me why I separate my food then eat it sequentially. I hadn't noticed.
I'm obsessive about particular topics. I think about them in the bath, at breakfast, on the bus, while people talking, while Im having sex. Im a Masters student now and I start at 9am then read until midnight. I don't answer my phone. I cancel plans because I don't want to go out because I'm too interested in what I'm doing. I know I should live a balanced life but I don't want to because I like what I'm doing.
People have minimal interest to me unless I can learn from them... and fast. Usually my conversations begin about a book Im reading. If someone doesn't engage, or at least tell me aboutn something really interesting they know about, Im bored and Ill ignore them forever after. People describe me as aloof and rude. Partly I just don't find them interesting, partyly the noise in social places is agonising, partly I just forget they exist because Im reading. But I do feel lonely, ALL the time and wish I had more friends. But then I start reading and after a few days realise I have 6 people writing to me and I just ignored them.
I do have friends, but I see them rarely and usually on a one/to/one basis, with reluctance.
I was okay in my life until my amazing boyfriend... who says he loves me for my brain... got a repeated boll"***** off me because he would arrive late and we'd miss plans and I would banish him for a weekend saying things like 'Go away. You are too emotional for me right now' while he would cry and think we were breaking up.
Amidst all this I googled Aspergers again and it started to look familiar. I spokem to my sisters. One of them told me that our mum had mentioned she thought I might have a form of autism but no one mentioned it to me. I spoke to my other sister, and she said in a conversation with our dad he had told her not to get mad at me for getting mad at her about time/management because apparently he thought I was some kind of autistic aswell. Again nobody mentioned it.
Yet when I asked my best friend, and siblings and boyfriend about it, they seem really against the idea of me having Aspergers.My best friend first said 'You don't have that you can make eye contact those symptoms describe me not you. Then, youre not a genius like Einstein you cant have it. I asked my boyfriend and he was like, well those symptoms describe me, I I organise my CDs alphabetically and clean everything and love numbers you're just normal. And when I told my sister I didn't know about doing the diagnosis she didn't even respond she jsust said 'yeah I've got loads of learning disorders (about herself).
I'm feeling discouraged by the way people have reacted and thinking maybe its not worth 90 pounds for an assessment if I'm just being a hypochondriac.
I realise this sounds a big whine, but I'd be grateful to hear anyone's thoughts, pretty much on this!
Thank you!
