Aspie boyfriend doesn't listen

[evehallows]

He makes me feel like whatever I have to say is either wrong or not important enough to listen to. I feel like I'm constantly having to be defensive. Also the only time he seems happy to talk to me is when it's about a special interest. (he HAS been stressed lately tho, getting bullied at work, rides 4 miles a day on a bicycle to and then from work, and works 6 days a week, plus his family is fed up with his late nights and waking them up because he can't control his speaking volume)
I am fine talking about pellet guns because I see his personality coming out when he's happy, but he doesn't listen to a word I say. He doesn't respond to what I've said and just keeps talking about pellet guns until I either walk away or get upset that I can't get a word in. I KNOWW that that's part of being an aspie. I just wonder if that's something aspies are willing to try to be better at. I mean it sounds like I want him to change who he is.. but at the same time, we hardly ever have a conversation where I speak at all anymore... because like I said, he either won't let me speak, says that I'm wrong, or doesn't even listen.
Should I just toughen up? should I ask him to listen? (i end up saying LISTEN TO ME!) Then he lets me speak but doesn't listen still. I do really know that this is an aspie thing.. and I try to understand and just listen to him, myself.. but it's hard feeling like this DAILY, like I'm not important or my opinion doesn't matter.
He makes me feel like a tool, a device that is only here to make him happy.
I don't know how to approach any situation anymore. He gets mad so easy, and it gives me anxiety every time he calls. I just imagine it's all the stress he's dealing with right now. But I also feel like now that he knows he can get mad and I will submit, that he's taking advantage of that one emotion because he knows how to use it and get what he wants out of the relationship.
It makes me wonder if we just won't work out.. but he'd be devastated.

 

[Ereth]

I just wonder if that's something aspies are willing to try to be better at. I mean it sounds like I want him to change who he is.. but at the same time, we hardly ever have a conversation where I speak at all anymore... because like I said, he either won't let me speak, says that I'm wrong, or doesn't even listen.

I think most of us do try to control the urge to over-share when a favorite topic comes up, but it's not something that comes easily to everyone. For what it's worth, I used to talk over people much more often in the past than I do today (of course, it helps that I know I'm on the spectrum now). So it is definitely achievable.

He makes me feel like a tool, a device that is only here to make him happy.I don't know how to approach any situation anymore. He gets mad so easy, and it gives me anxiety every time he calls. I just imagine it's all the stress he's dealing with right now. But I also feel like now that he knows he can get mad and I will submit, that he's taking advantage of that one emotion because he knows how to use it and get what he wants out of the relationship.
It makes me wonder if we just won't work out.. but he'd be devastated.

Your boyfriend might be dealing with stress, but he needs to find a healthy outlet for it instead of taking it out on you. He could listen to relaxing music, or maybe write in a journal. Does he see a counselor at all? It's something worth considering. I would also consider couples' counseling with a mediator familiar with ASD.

You say it would devastate him if the relationship ended, but how would you feel? If you're leaning towards feeling relief, then it might be a sign that things won't work out. You have the right to be in a relationship that doesn't make you feel like a device. I know you're trying to be kind to him, but you have needs, too.

 

[xXGrizeldaXx]

I often dominate the conversation with friends when I'm on a roll with something and like your boyfriend have been accused of not listening. I can take quite tough talk and have had people say to me "SHUT UP" when I've been going on and on, i even had someone put their hand over my mouth. I appreciate this and am not offended as I'm often not aware that I'm going on too much. Also i often don't listen but i am very honest and say "can you say it again , i wasn't listening".

I have felt more hurt by people complaining about me behind my back,and prefer the blunt approach.

My boyfriend often changes the subject if i start going on about the same things. I don't know how open you are with your boyfriend, but If I were you I would be more tough and rude back to him, say "Lets talk about something else" or " what do you think of this" , if he starts going on about his special interest .You have to be crule to be kind, Say "Im not interested". We are often unaware of the affect not listning or being self centered can have on our partners, My boyfriend is into computers, and i pretend to be interested as i like seeing him happy, somehow we struggle through.

If your boyfriend continues to not listen, I would cut contact with him (if you live separately ) don't answer calls or texts for up to two or 3 weeks, then send a letter or email asking him how he feels being ignored, then tell him what you wrote here how you feel lonely ect.

It will teach him a lesson he will remember.

 

[Saragrl]

As some one who has only been in one long term relationship in my life and I'm 35, I don't have much experience in this matter. What I can say is my special interest at the time was video games, and at first she was going to leave me because I always rather play them then be with her. I had no idea what it meant to be with some one. I did not know I was aspie or I would have even tried harder. Still she let me know I was not fulfilling her needs. It really bothered me because I loved her a lot after I opened up to her. So I did research on what I needed to do, asked her what she liked. Watched other couples and what they did, and then used that along with my views of the world and did everything I could do to make her feel special.

The point is, if you really truly matter to him, he will want to change. I say change as wanting to make things work, not changing who he is. It's a two way street, it seems like you show some interest in his guns. Well he needs to do the same with your needs. Keep in mind he is not going to just "know " what you need. Have a private talk in a safe place (if your not sure how he will react) and tell him what you need. If he invalidates those needs, I would leave him. If he says he will try, give him a chance. It's not going to be easy for him at first. But the first time he does something for you and shes that glowing smile on your face it will hopefully click and he will see what its all about.

 

[Ereth]

If your boyfriend continues to not listen, I would cut contact with him (if you live separately ) don't answer calls or texts for up to two or 3 weeks, then send a letter or email asking him how he feels being ignored, then tell him what you wrote here how you feel lonely etc.

It will teach him a lesson he will remember.

Why not just write him the letter? There's no need for her to ignore him. Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

[rollerskate]

He makes me feel like whatever I have to say is either wrong or not important enough to listen to. I feel like I'm constantly having to be defensive. Also the only time he seems happy to talk to me is when it's about a special interest. (he HAS been stressed lately tho, getting bullied at work, rides 4 miles a day on a bicycle to and then from work, and works 6 days a week, plus his family is fed up with his late nights and waking them up because he can't control his speaking volume)
I am fine talking about pellet guns because I see his personality coming out when he's happy, but he doesn't listen to a word I say. He doesn't respond to what I've said and just keeps talking about pellet guns until I either walk away or get upset that I can't get a word in. I KNOWW that that's part of being an aspie. I just wonder if that's something aspies are willing to try to be better at. I mean it sounds like I want him to change who he is.. but at the same time, we hardly ever have a conversation where I speak at all anymore... because like I said, he either won't let me speak, says that I'm wrong, or doesn't even listen.
Should I just toughen up? should I ask him to listen? (i end up saying LISTEN TO ME!) Then he lets me speak but doesn't listen still. I do really know that this is an aspie thing.. and I try to understand and just listen to him, myself.. but it's hard feeling like this DAILY, like I'm not important or my opinion doesn't matter.
He makes me feel like a tool, a device that is only here to make him happy.
I don't know how to approach any situation anymore. He gets mad so easy, and it gives me anxiety every time he calls. I just imagine it's all the stress he's dealing with right now. But I also feel like now that he knows he can get mad and I will submit, that he's taking advantage of that one emotion because he knows how to use it and get what he wants out of the relationship.
It makes me wonder if we just won't work out.. but he'd be devastated.

Sigh. I'm probably not the best person to tackle this topic, because I'm not going to sugarcoat or beat around the bush. But here it goes.

Bottom line, you can't control him and neither can we. And I don't really know what you're wanting us to say or do. We can't tell you to stay with him or break up with him or anything like that. We don't know you, don't know him, etc. The only thing you can really change here is yourself. So the big question here is if you're willing to make those changes or if you would rather find someone that doesn't do all of this stuff. It's really not about whether he'll be devastated if you break up or not, either. It's all about you and what YOU want.

I noticed you're blaming him for your feelings a lot. I don't know if that is the actual meaning behind your statements or if they're just worded inaccurately. But no one can MAKE you feel anything. They can do something, but how you feel and react and think is exclusively YOUR responsibility. And you didn't really state what exactly he is saying or doing that has you feeling like he doesn't value your input... so there's really nothing to go on there.

Something you need to understand about aspergers VERY badly - just because someone doesn't change an aspie trait (like monologuing) doesn't mean they're not TRYING to change it. The fact is that it takes a constant conscientious effort to change it and even then we only get it right a small percentage of the time, partially because it requires so much focus ALL THE TIME. It's not like we can just make the effort for a while and then it becomes a habit and we forget about it. It always has to be a constant concentrated effort. And most of us don't really like to feel like we have to be so "formal" with those we are close to ALL THE TIME. We want to be able to relax and be ourselves.

It also sounds like he may have some ADHD mixed in there. And you're blaming him for it... please stop. Be mindful this forum is full of aspies and a lot of us have comorbid stuff like ADHD too. When you have ADHD, it's hard to focus on what people are saying.

Overall... stop with the blame, and instead lay down boundaries IF you really want to keep the relationship without trying to change him or expecting him to change. TRY to be understanding. Like if he's going on and on and you want to say something, say so, not rudely, but firmly and clearly. And if he doesn't listen, say something like "you seem to be having a hard time paying attention to me right now, so I will let you be and you can just let me know when you're better able to listen to what I have to say." Of course don't cop an attitude when you say that, otherwise it'll just come off as offensive... but the point here is you're acknowledging his issues, accepting them, yet standing your ground on your need to be heard and giving him an opportunity to listen when he is personally capable of doing so.

This is the strategy I have to employ with my aspie/ADHD son a lot. And he does the same exact thing.

 

[Jambo_nick]

He makes me feel like whatever I have to say is either wrong or not important enough to listen to. I feel like I'm constantly having to be defensive. Also the only time he seems happy to talk to me is when it's about a special interest. (he HAS been stressed lately tho, getting bullied at work, rides 4 miles a day on a bicycle to and then from work, and works 6 days a week, plus his family is fed up with his late nights and waking them up because he can't control his speaking volume)
I am fine talking about pellet guns because I see his personality coming out when he's happy, but he doesn't listen to a word I say. He doesn't respond to what I've said and just keeps talking about pellet guns until I either walk away or get upset that I can't get a word in. I KNOWW that that's part of being an aspie. I just wonder if that's something aspies are willing to try to be better at. I mean it sounds like I want him to change who he is.. but at the same time, we hardly ever have a conversation where I speak at all anymore... because like I said, he either won't let me speak, says that I'm wrong, or doesn't even listen.
Should I just toughen up? should I ask him to listen? (i end up saying LISTEN TO ME!) Then he lets me speak but doesn't listen still. I do really know that this is an aspie thing.. and I try to understand and just listen to him, myself.. but it's hard feeling like this DAILY, like I'm not important or my opinion doesn't matter.
He makes me feel like a tool, a device that is only here to make him happy.
I don't know how to approach any situation anymore. He gets mad so easy, and it gives me anxiety every time he calls. I just imagine it's all the stress he's dealing with right now. But I also feel like now that he knows he can get mad and I will submit, that he's taking advantage of that one emotion because he knows how to use it and get what he wants out of the relationship.
It makes me wonder if we just won't work out.. but he'd be devastated.

A hard one here. Has this behaviour only surfaced as a result of the stress? If so, I can relate to this. First up, don't take it personally. When I'm anxious I can be snappy and otherwise quiet. To explain talking about his interest. His interest relaxes him and it sounds like he subconsciously (funny way of showing) cares for you as you are one of the few people he can still say more than a few words to. One of the most common traits of AS is to look at the negative view only which makes the feeling of anxiety so much worse. Try getting him to highlight some positives about his life only! No negatives.

 

[May Black]

I've written this somewhere else on those forums already, but one thing to keep in mind is that whatever he says or does is not in order to harm you. Keep that in mind. If he interrupts you or tells you you're wrong, his intention is not to make you feel bad. It doesn't make the things he says or does right, but it puts a completely different light on it. Call him out on it. Asks him what he means, but don't accuse him.

His anger is his way of getting out of the uncomfortable situation. Again, it has to do with him, not you. If he does it on the phone, tell him to call when he's calmed down and hang up. He might not get back to you for a few days, but you need to set limits. Be consistent.

You won't get around the talking about special interests thing, my bf gets so involved in his own thoughts sometimes that we end up talking about two completely different topics at the same time, neither of us responding to what the other is saying till one of us notices, usually me.

Being in a relationship with an Aspie isn't easy. He will react differently to a lot of things that you consider completely normal if you 're NT. You need to be very strong-willed about the things you want to get out of the relationship. You can't expect him to treat you right, you have to assume that he might not know how to behave in a relationship. You cannot hope to save him or help him, you need to stand firm and set limits, or you'll get terribly hurt in the process.

 

[icesyckel]

Like many NT's, there are a number of subconscious assumptions you are making concerning his motives and behavior. Difficulty in communication is to be expected between an NT and an aspie. However, if you are going to stay with him, then you will need to learn that he isn't the way he is to offend you.

That seems obvious, but consider this in specific context:

He makes me feel like whatever I have to say is either wrong or not important enough to listen to. I feel like I'm constantly having to be defensive. Also the only time he seems happy to talk to me is when it's about a special interest.

In all likelihood, his fixation on certain topics is not geared towards making you feel wrong or unimportant. Because he thinks differently in general, almost point you make he will approach from a different perspective. This comes across as trying to argue, but as an aspie I find I differ with my wife (NT) to some extent on almost every subject - even the ones we agree on. Even when I agree with her conclusion, I may find a flaw in her analysis (or lack thereof). It doesn't mean I don't love her immensely.

You note that you know he is an aspie and seem to understand what that entails academically without really understanding that means in practice: it isn't about you. He really is "that way" out of his nature - not a desire to hurt or belittle you. He probably thinks higher of you than most people - that he is with you is a reflection of this. We don't tend to socialize easily or accept just anyone into our lives.

Now, yes, he should try to meet you halfway and vice versa, but it is a spectrum disorder. The higher functioning he is, the more you can expect he will be able to see him adapt as needed. However, some on the spectrum are lower functioning and lack the ability or desire to change. I recommend you decide whether you can and/or want to deal with this in the long term under the assumption that he will remain as he is now. If he adapts, then that is good, but you should make your decisions about how he is right now, not how you expect him to be in a year or two.

Lastly, it may crush him if you leave, but if you can't love him as he is, then you're really just leading him on anyway. Better to crush him sooner rather than later.

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi evehallows ,I think May Black ,described the nature of things well.
And Ereth ,s advice on writing your issues to him in a letter is very good. Just remember to be very detailed on what he's doing wrong, give examples, and give examples of new things he could do to make you happy. I have found the ladies sometimes make vague general statements like perhaps you aren't romantic enough...etcetera without saying what they really want done. This isn't very helpful for the guy, it leaves the guy feeling bad he didn't please his girl, and with no clue on how to do what she needs, us guys really can't read implied requests very well.
My best wishes to you good luck on everything. Mael