Theloneywarrior
New Member
I started my 60 plus city tour about 7 years ago. I believe i did it because I saw the great chasm between me the rest of the world. And is 60 plus city road trip sounds fun but this was my way of hiding this was my way of not having to deal or face my differences or deal with the heartache that came because I could not make connections with other people. And I spent a lot of time wondering what I was missing what made me different from them. And a lot of this time has been spent with self-hatred confusion and frustration because I just always seem to be overstepping boundaries that I didn't even know existed. me looks at me as dysfunctional and sometimes feeling like a mistake.
And so I carry this self-hatred with me around to every city I went to and as the years ticked by I wanted to know how to get rid of it. But I kept hiding and I kept isolating and I kept putting myself on the sidelines and on the road because travel was the only way I knew how to medicate my pain. Because I would arrive in the new city and it would be fun momentarily but when you have traveled as much as I have in my life after awhile cities all become the same when one is just as good as another.
As of now I'm trying to rebuild myself again let go of the ideas of going here or there and actually start focusing on other parts of my life. Because if I'm honest with myself I can blame this on disorders and diseases but I think there's some level of Twisted pleasure feeling like the loser it's become an identity and one that's really ingrained and then I'm really going to have to dig in and fight to let go. I don't know if that ever means my dysfunctional interaction with people will ever go away and it probably will not because I seem to be socially blind as they come but I can face that with better dignity and less anger and self-hatred than I have in the past.
Because I have to learn that it's not my fault that I'm this way I didn't screw up because I couldn't see social cues that weren't spelled out clearly anymore then a crippled person is to blame for not being able to use their legs. and I guess the hardest part about being autistic for me is it being okay with me.
Because I come from a childhood where was i taught it was not okay to be different. and I did not realize it until I started writing this is my biggest battle in all of this and my biggest level of frustration has always been why can't I change this why can't I make myself normal and becoming mad and using it to fuel the hatred inside of me because I couldn't make myself like them.
So much of my identity is tied up in becoming normal because it all comes back to a family that I want to love me and I want to make myself good for them and I keep hoping one day that that's going to happen but the dysfunctionality of that thinking is the same as as a crippled man sitting in the room thinking that his life is only going to be okay again if he can walk. Instead of accepting what is and that is causing anger frustration and fueling his hatred and that is a miserable place to be.
I know because I always thought it was the world around that needed to accept me for me to be okay but what I realized is the feelings not being okay is my dissatisfaction and self-hatred and dislikes from who I am. Oh my gosh this changes everything because the one I've been trying to run from in all the trips is me. I thought it was their love that I needed but it wasn't it was mine that I needed most of all cuz if I can't love me the way that I am even if you did love me it wouldn't be enough. I've been so blind thinking my answers laid in the hands of the outside world and instead the answers laid Within Me.
Those who i got mad at for not understanding were only manifestations of my inner hurt anger and the rejection I felt for me. because I have to learn how to be okay with being different and accept the thing that I find most unacceptable Which is my autisim and embrace it with open arms it love it because it is a part of me. because I've carried with me shame for my differences instead of embracing who I am I have tried to run from it pretending it's not there and trying tobe something I'm not neurotypical. This is been the fuel to the fire that has ignited my 7-year road trip and the only thing I was running from was the only thing I couldn't outrun me.
And so I carry this self-hatred with me around to every city I went to and as the years ticked by I wanted to know how to get rid of it. But I kept hiding and I kept isolating and I kept putting myself on the sidelines and on the road because travel was the only way I knew how to medicate my pain. Because I would arrive in the new city and it would be fun momentarily but when you have traveled as much as I have in my life after awhile cities all become the same when one is just as good as another.
As of now I'm trying to rebuild myself again let go of the ideas of going here or there and actually start focusing on other parts of my life. Because if I'm honest with myself I can blame this on disorders and diseases but I think there's some level of Twisted pleasure feeling like the loser it's become an identity and one that's really ingrained and then I'm really going to have to dig in and fight to let go. I don't know if that ever means my dysfunctional interaction with people will ever go away and it probably will not because I seem to be socially blind as they come but I can face that with better dignity and less anger and self-hatred than I have in the past.
Because I have to learn that it's not my fault that I'm this way I didn't screw up because I couldn't see social cues that weren't spelled out clearly anymore then a crippled person is to blame for not being able to use their legs. and I guess the hardest part about being autistic for me is it being okay with me.
Because I come from a childhood where was i taught it was not okay to be different. and I did not realize it until I started writing this is my biggest battle in all of this and my biggest level of frustration has always been why can't I change this why can't I make myself normal and becoming mad and using it to fuel the hatred inside of me because I couldn't make myself like them.
So much of my identity is tied up in becoming normal because it all comes back to a family that I want to love me and I want to make myself good for them and I keep hoping one day that that's going to happen but the dysfunctionality of that thinking is the same as as a crippled man sitting in the room thinking that his life is only going to be okay again if he can walk. Instead of accepting what is and that is causing anger frustration and fueling his hatred and that is a miserable place to be.
I know because I always thought it was the world around that needed to accept me for me to be okay but what I realized is the feelings not being okay is my dissatisfaction and self-hatred and dislikes from who I am. Oh my gosh this changes everything because the one I've been trying to run from in all the trips is me. I thought it was their love that I needed but it wasn't it was mine that I needed most of all cuz if I can't love me the way that I am even if you did love me it wouldn't be enough. I've been so blind thinking my answers laid in the hands of the outside world and instead the answers laid Within Me.
Those who i got mad at for not understanding were only manifestations of my inner hurt anger and the rejection I felt for me. because I have to learn how to be okay with being different and accept the thing that I find most unacceptable Which is my autisim and embrace it with open arms it love it because it is a part of me. because I've carried with me shame for my differences instead of embracing who I am I have tried to run from it pretending it's not there and trying tobe something I'm not neurotypical. This is been the fuel to the fire that has ignited my 7-year road trip and the only thing I was running from was the only thing I couldn't outrun me.
