Aspie-to-aspie relationships, attraction

[Lysander]

Hey everyone,

I'll get straight to it: so, ever since I was in elementary school, I've felt instantly much more comfortable around men and women on the spectrum. I was never interested in relationships until I was already over 20. I'm not usually romantically attracted to anyone inparticular, which is to say that I don't have a "type". I wonder if anyone else can relate to this?

Although I'm never usually in that "mode" of evaluating whether or not I find someone attractive, it's completely different when I meet an Aspie, even if I don't actually know that they are diagnosed. It feels almost like imprinting on someone, and my brain instantly constructs a high resolution snapshot of the event. Not just the person themselves, but every little thing I might have been feeling at the time as well.

It's what happened when I met my husband. I was actually interviewing potential roommates and we met to talk about a potential rooming situation. I had no idea at the time that he was actually "different" but I have this intense familiar feeling about certain people that borders on an immediate obsession. Anyways, things snowballed from there.

What are your experiences around meeting other aspies? Do you guys feel anything similar?

 

[Judge]

What are your experiences around meeting other aspies? Do you guys feel anything similar?

Complex question to me. One I can answer, "Only in hindsight." I didn't come to the conclusion I was on the spectrum until around the age of 55. Prior to that my traits and behaviors, along with how I interacted with others remained a complete mystery to me.

Where only in hindsight can I even look back and realize certain people in my social and working orbit were likely on the spectrum. Including one or two cousins. Funny that I related to most of them without a clue as to why. Kindred spirits.

Oddly enough though, I do think a lot these days of what it would be like to have a girlfriend on the spectrum, and how different such a relationship may or may not be. Where before all my relationships involved NT women and they all imploded pretty much based on my autism and inability to understand it in real time.

You bring up a good point. But only one I can personally approach theoretically. Though it's also good to know there are a few such relationships other members of the community have. And I expect them to chime in accordingly.

 

[Tom]

When searching for my partner I was looking for someone somewhat unusual and with definite attributes. I wouldn't say Aspie, but with some crossover characteristics that would favor mutual understanding. She is definitely NT, but 33 years later and counting, I'd say it has worked out well.

 

[Autistamatic]

I've never had a relationship with someone else on the spectrum but met a couple that I felt kinship with and may have gone that way under different circumstances. I've always had a suspicion that 2 aspies together, both having difficulty understanding other people could be problematic, but recently I'm realizing that the opposite may be true and the shared perspective can be a strength.
Similar to @Tom above, I've always sought partners who had something different about them and my wife has the most AS friendly personality of any NT woman I've met. We recently passed our 10th wedding anniversary and were together several years before we married, and I've never had a better friend or more loyal companion in my life.

 

[Aliza]

I definitely prefer dating people on the spectrum over dating neurotypicals. When I date "normal" people it just consists of more arguing, miscommunication, and having my emotions invalidated. Most (not all) of them are far too ignorant and misinformed about autism to be with someone who has it. I've been told my outbursts are just me trying to seek attention/trying to get a rise out of others. When I date other autistic people I feel like there is a better understanding between us and I honestly feel like the bond is stronger and more genuine. It can have its cons, but every good thing has a disadvantage. I know there are a lot of NTs out there who have the ability to be a great companion to someone with autism, I just havent met one yet.

 

[olshtieg]

All of my closest friends are on the spectrum or have aspie like tendencies. Having the company of other aspie's is much more fulfilling than being around NTs. I can see how a significant other who is also on the spectrum would be the best scenario. I had one aspie lady who wanted to date immediately after we met but I was unfortunately in a relationship already.