Aspies and Anger

[sconesail]

Hi All,

I have a question. I don't have Asperger's, but my wonderful room mate and very good friend is an Aspie. The main issue that seems to be cropping up a lot lately is anger or my frustration seems to come across as anger to her. I am not quite sure what to do in these situations or how I should react to diffuse things. So, I would love some help and advice.

First, let me tell you a little about me. I'm not an Aspie. However, I do have chronic intractable migraines and a fainting disorder, which causes me to faint/fall around 5-10 times a day. I have a service dog, Dora, who has cut the fainting way down. I am not usually an angry person- most of my friends will tell you that it takes a great deal to get me angry. The migraines have been incredibly rough for the last few weeks andI have found that I tend to have a shorter fuse when the pain is bad and if I faint a great deal. Fortunately, I saw the pain dr and we switched up some medications this week and this is helping. I'm more patient if I am not in pain.

Kat, my friend and Aspie room mate is scared of anger and I try to take that into account. However, it seems like she sometimes misinterprets frustration for anger. Example- We were at the store and were looking for a particular item. It was kind of loud and I guess she didn't hear me the first few times I answered her question. After saying it twice, I said, "Dried fruit" in a pretty stern voice. I didn't mean for this to come across as anger. However, it must have come across that way. Shortly afterward- she said, "I don't get why you are mad." I said, "I wasn't I was just frustrated because I couldn't find what we were looking for." She said, "Well, I know you are mad- you got an angry look on your face and spoke sharply. Once we got to the car and I was able to explain it, things got a little better. The problem is that she typically holds on to anger or shuts down and sometimes I am not sure what I have done.

There have been a few instances when I have gotten really angry. Trust me, when I get angry- you know it, but it doesn't happen often. If I do get upset or if there is an argument, I usually end up apologizing pretty fast or try to find some way to calm her down and resolve the issue. In my mind, once I have gotten mad or expressed the feelings and we have resolved it, I tend to let it go. She tends to hold on to it. I am not sure what to do in these situations except to wait it out, or try to explain it.

Does this happen to anyone else? Basically, do aspies get emotions like frustration and anger confused? If so, what is the best thing for me to do?

Thanks,
sconesail

 

[Vanilla]

Hi All,

I have a question. I don't have Asperger's, but my wonderful room mate and very good friend is an Aspie. The main issue that seems to be cropping up a lot lately is anger or my frustration seems to come across as anger to her. I am not quite sure what to do in these situations or how I should react to diffuse things. So, I would love some help and advice.

First, let me tell you a little about me. I'm not an Aspie. However, I do have chronic intractable migraines and a fainting disorder, which causes me to faint/fall around 5-10 times a day. I have a service dog, Dora, who has cut the fainting way down. I am not usually an angry person- most of my friends will tell you that it takes a great deal to get me angry. The migraines have been incredibly rough for the last few weeks andI have found that I tend to have a shorter fuse when the pain is bad and if I faint a great deal. Fortunately, I saw the pain dr and we switched up some medications this week and this is helping. I'm more patient if I am not in pain.

Kat, my friend and Aspie room mate is scared of anger and I try to take that into account. However, it seems like she sometimes misinterprets frustration for anger. Example- We were at the store and were looking for a particular item. It was kind of loud and I guess she didn't hear me the first few times I answered her question. After saying it twice, I said, "Dried fruit" in a pretty stern voice. I didn't mean for this to come across as anger. However, it must have come across that way. Shortly afterward- she said, "I don't get why you are mad." I said, "I wasn't I was just frustrated because I couldn't find what we were looking for." She said, "Well, I know you are mad- you got an angry look on your face and spoke sharply. Once we got to the car and I was able to explain it, things got a little better. The problem is that she typically holds on to anger or shuts down and sometimes I am not sure what I have done.

There have been a few instances when I have gotten really angry. Trust me, when I get angry- you know it, but it doesn't happen often. If I do get upset or if there is an argument, I usually end up apologizing pretty fast or try to find some way to calm her down and resolve the issue. In my mind, once I have gotten mad or expressed the feelings and we have resolved it, I tend to let it go. She tends to hold on to it. I am not sure what to do in these situations except to wait it out, or try to explain it.

Does this happen to anyone else? Basically, do aspies get emotions like frustration and anger confused? If so, what is the best thing for me to do?

Thanks,
sconesail

Hi, and welcome

As a female with Aspergers, I can relate to your friend, and can tell you the thought processes that are likely behind it all. Of course, keep in mind that not all Aspies are the same, so this is just general advice.

Aspies can sometimes misinterpret emotions, and on top of that, can have heightened senses. While being frustrated and being angry are two different extremes, frustration is a milder form of anger. Because her senses are heightened, it feels more intense to her, so she can feel the frustration amplified, and resonating around you, as though it were more serious than simply loosing your cool for a split second. If you can imagine someone who's livid, and holding back their anger towards you, you can understand how this can appear quite intimidating.

Also, when it comes to "meltdowns", a therapist once explained it to me like this:

If we measure our states of mind, from being calm, to full blown melt down, we can usually measure this on a scale of 1 to 10; 1 being calm, and 10 being the opposite extreme. Most Neurotypicals (non-Aspies), will go from 1 to 10 in a natural progression; ie. calm, annoyed, frustrated, irritated, etc.

People with Asperger's are known to swing from 1 to 10, and skip all the middle steps. This means that the melt down can appear sudden, and seem to come out of no where. It may also explains why she can't understand that you are not at 10, but probably around 2-3 when frustrated.

I can understand your worry that you may come across as scary to your friend and room mate, so perhaps it's best to sit them both down, talk about it, and explain that whenever you appear angry, it doesn't mean you are. Perhaps when you do get annoyed, even just a little, explain that it's not anger, just to remind them of the talk. It may take some getting used to, but understanding what's happening on both sides will make it easier for all of you to avoid misunderstandings.

 

[Paige]

I can get angry so quickly sometimes....

 

[Vanilla]

I can get angry so quickly sometimes....

Yeah, me too, though I try to avoid it when possible.

 

[Turk]

Hi Sconesail,
I know from my own personal experiences that I can make people short with me, then take offensive. When im out in the world, the stimulus that my senses feel are overwhelming. I hear so many conversations and I cant control which ones I hear. My wife will have spoken to me indifferently three times and then on the forth, when I havnt heard her, she snaps at me. Because I havnt processed the previous three comments, when I hear the forth comment, with all its impatience, I take offensive. In the moment, I fail to see why someone would speak to me so rudely.

 

[Judge]

Hi, and welcome

While being frustrated and being angry are two different extremes, frustration is a milder form of anger.

Odd to think I've never even thought about this. I'd have to agree....I see them as being related, but one being a diminished form of the other. But to another person observing my responses it's a good question as to how it might actually appear- to them.

 

[Perkinsj88]

I do this as well, frequently misinterpret my wife's frustration as anger, and when someone is angry with me I become angry towards them as I often do not understand what I did to frustrate them so it feels like someone is angry at me for no (or a dumb) reason. When I get angry...leave me alone..wait it out, once I've settled I will always come out and apologize/discuss what the real problem was. I suspect I may be aspergers with co-morbid bipolar so it may differ with your roommate, I think gender wouod also affect options for resolving any angry situations. I've heard some aspies shut down when confronted/scolded however I always become aggressive, I think my 'flight' response is broken or something.