Aspies and living alone or not?

[multimedian]

Hi all. I'm a new member.

I'm 39, so far apart from house sharing at university, I've always chosen to live alone. I've owned a couple of properties and more recently rented a flat.
It's just always been the natural option to me, get my own place, have it how I like, controlled atmosphere, everything how I like, escape the world, no enforced or expected socialising unless I choose.

Things changed a year ago. I had been dating an old friend for about a year, she was now divorced. I lost my job due to redundancy. The timing made sense, I moved in with her and her two children aged 4 and 6.

Initially things were great, I think novelty outweighed anxiety and issues and I put a lot down to "getting used to things".
However, I'm struggling now. The initial honeymoon period of a relationship has worn off and sharing my life/space with the "family" is I'm saddened to say grating on me somewhat now.

Dont get me wrong, I love them, but...

Chaos - kids things everywhere, cant leave anything around, mess, food etc etc.
Mealtimes never peaceful or calm.
Cannot choose when I have peace/quiet or have the autonomy I need.
I take some reading and understanding and kids are not up to that of course.

This sounds very selfish. I guess it is, It would appear to an NT I suppose. Thing is some days I NEED space and quiet and autonomy, some days I dont. It depends on how I'm coping with things.

I am kind of self diagnosed and seriously considering seeing my GP.
My partner was having counselling a while back and did some tests for AS, her counsellor sent a spare home for me, the result suggested I might be a candidate. I've done lots of reading since. Many of the aspie traits apply to me. Much of my life to date fits the traits and common histories.

Apologies for the waffle. Thing is I keep wondering about getting my own place, not breaking the relationship (if avoidable) but getting my own place to live. It might even improve our relationship. I worry how my occasional meltdowns and inability to cope with the kids sometimes, if not generally being a 1st time "father" and not very empathic might damage them too. Couple this with the normal issues of not "connecting" emotionally as my partner would hope etc and it's getting stressful and getting me down.

To cut to the chase.
I'm wondering how many aspies are more comfortable / choose to live alone. How many would like to share but have not tried maybe for nagging fear that maybe couldnt? Anyone else found themselves in a step-parent position and struggled?

I'd appreciate any thoughts. I think I'll seek a diagnosis and maybe an assessment for mild depression too, I cant wrap my head around things with this uncertainty and am frightened I'll throw away something good uneccessarily.

(I tried to do a poll but am not sure how, so might add one later.)

For adults:

Live alone but would consider sharing.
Live alone and have tried sharing.
Live alone and wouldn't share.
Live with partner/spouse.
Live with partner/spouse + kids.
Live with partner/spouse and step kids.

 

[Occasional_Demon]

I think it's quite a contrast to going from living alone to living with a partner with young children, because essentially it sounds like you stepped from being single to parenthood. Or, at the least, to sharing a house with children, which I agree can be quite chaotic. So, I think it's perfectly understandable that you are finding your current situation stressful.

It might be a good idea for you to perhaps live out again, and perhaps share your time between her place and your place. If you're finding it difficult to cope because you feel like you are lacking space, then perhaps that arrangement might work for you.

Personally I couldn't answer your poll. While I'm adult, I still live in the family nest - combination of studying and working short-term contracts means that it has been more financially prudent for me to live at home instead of moving out. However, I would consider sharing a place with fellow adults, although I draw the line on children. I don't think I could cope with living with anyone who is not an adult. Nothing against kids, but I much prefer the company of adults.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm somewhat along the way of seeing when I move out. With my current financial situation, it's probably another year or so, but yeah...

I've had a couple of thoughts on the issue though. While I live with my parents, it kinda feels like I live on my own with a couple of random strangers. I'm in my room, doing my stuff. I do my own laundry, cook my own food, do my own shopping and all. I just have the convenience of not having to pay a lot of rent and all kinds of mandatory stuff. But as of recently, it's beginning to annoy me. It's not directly their presence, but a lot of stuff around the house, that irks me. Impracticallity on what's in the fridge, the humming of the tv whenever I am downstairs, hearing people talk, that kind of stuff... but I reckon that's the same deal you'd get when you live on your own and have neighbours. In a way, I cope with the entire deal by sleeping through the day, and getting up at 7-ish pm and starting my day. That way I have my peace and quiet time when I'm, well... "conscious".

I was in a long-term relationship before and I thought about living together. But more and more I thought about stuff, that to some people would sound like "oh man... don't make a fuss about that"... but yeah... if it's MY place, I like it to be decorated like I want. And if that would include any "weird" stuff, then yes... I feel comfy and not on a perpetual rage of dissentment. I've thought about putting 6 foot candycanes made out of plastic pipes as means of lights in my room for instance... it's stuff like that, where people really frown and be "that's not normal". I don't care if it's normal, it's what I like, and if it's what I like, it makes me not go mental in my own home. And then there's also a lot of stuff other people would bring in your shared home... I had the most vivid argument back then about my then-gf wanting to have a glass display case with her rather expensive, desinger tableware which she collected, but had a problem if I wanted to have a case displaying my toys for example. It's one of those classic moments where a man and woman argue and the woman gets her thing and they guy is like "hm... anything you say". I'm really not like that, lol. I do prefer if you have a same idea of style, and that kinda got in the way with those arguments.

I've thought about living with a friend... and I was rather close to moving in. After he booted out his girlfriend. It was a. a practical reason and b. a good plan. Practical because his rent was too expensive, and we both would rather share expenses. Besides, I was at his place 6 out of 7 days already... I just missed out on a bed and some random stuff. And a good plan because we both kinda enjoyed the same stuff. We thought about the deal and converting the basement to a recording studio, another room for fitness and all... if we both just threw together stuff we had around we could manage that kind of stuff. Stuff like "a living room' went out of the window and we planned on a lounge room/bar instead. It was a really cool idea. The reason it failed? I had a financial setback, thus couldn't chip in right away, he was having a difficult time with some of his ex's stress. In 2 months he left the house and moved back with his parents for a while. Lucky we didn't do it, because the houses there are deemed for deconstruction in the next 2 years.

So, I wouldn't be against sharing my place if I had my own. It just would depend on who I share it with and why I share it. I do however don't want kids in any place I might live in. I just can't deal with that kind of stuff. While my interior decorating might one day look like a willie wonka on LSD trip, it's no playground. I also can't really handle screaming children... can't cope with screaming adults in arguments as well. Kids wouldn't bring anything to the table IMO. If I live with someone, I like to have some kind of nice convos about stuff that interests me, as well as the other person.

In a way I think it's selfish, but so what... I'm not living for other people. If I can manage and cope with life myself, I'm fine and I would rather eliminate anything that just flat out bothers me and makes my life more stressful and uneasy.

 

[multimedian]

King_Oni and Occasional_Demon

Thanks for your quick replies. Much appreciated.
I have lots of thinking to try and do. I'm only just getting my head around possibly being aspie and the dawning that my life has been how it has for a reason.
I have to get some help understanding it all and process it properly. Handling kids and emotional outfall of a partners previous relationship and life in a slightly choatic and noisy environment is stressful.

I'd be interested to see more poll results just to get a handle on if many aspies prefer or happen to live alone.

best to everyone
multimedian

 

[Droopy]

For myself, I would rather share a flat with some friends because, while I can cope with being alone, I would rather have company. Sharing a flat with some friends will also encourage me to be social. On the other hand, I do like peace and quiet and sometimes prefer to be on my own. Put it this way: if I ever did share a flat with anyone, I would have a lock on my bedroom door to keep it "my little place".

 

[multimedian]

Droopy, thanks for your reply too.
Yes, when I house shared I spent much of my time in my own room, but indeed, sharing meant I did mix more socially than I would have otherwise.
I don't make friends easily and am bad at keeping a connection up unless the other tends to drive it.

It's tough eh? I think perhaps we sometime try to force ourselves to fit the "normal" life we would like to fit into, but in doing so stress ourselves and perhaps ruin the very thing we seek to achieve. I guess being realistic, finding a realistic goal for your life balance, perhaps a half way to what one might aspire too may be less stressful and hence more successful than trying to be "normal" sometimes.

Thanks again

multimedian

 

[kasmanaft08]

I like the idea of living with someone else, but I have to feel comfortable that I'll get my own space and that they'll be peaceful and quiet. I like the company and someone to watch things with and share things with, but they have to have some understanding and be on the same page as me. Preferably it would be a significant other of some sort, but I haven't had much luck with them being easy to live with either. Maybe it's just me, and I'm really picky and difficult, I don't know.

Otherwise, if I never find that, I'll just be happy to live alone.

 

[epath13]

Most of the time I shared place with someone but I always loved moments when there's no one in the house. Let's put it this way, if all the time (when I was awake) was 100% I wouldn't want to spend more than 10-20% of that time on interaction with others. When we started living together with my husband it was alright at first but then I quickly realized - I needed my space and I needed to be alone from time to time. Now I have a family and can rarely be alone. I have 2 kids, one of them is diagnosed with ASD, another is under suspicion. They are very different but one thing that they have in common - they are both hyper. So it is challenging and sometimes it feels like I can barely manage to keep it together but I know one thing - I can not and will not give up for my own sake and for the sake of my family.

I think it's important to figure out how to find time and place to be alone especially if you're easily overloaded but moving out of your partner's place is quite a drastic solution. But if she likes the idea, then I guess it's OK. Even though if you have a family you probably should try to stick together and try to work on solutions to the problems. Just an opinion.
I don't know if you are actually on the spectrum or not but one thing that I truly believe in - if you are disabled in any way or have some sort of neurological or physiological issues that you have hard time to change or control, all you can do is to work around it or maybe even with it by figuring out your strengths. It is hard work and might require help of others and resources but I think it's worth it.

 

[imdwonb4u]

After trying everything else for 48 years some due to not having money and some due to saving money, some due to marriage(with kids)...I am now totally confident that at least for this Aspie, living alone is a must...

 

[earthsteward70]

Right now I like it being just myself and my sons. However, I know that in about 10-12 years they may be gone out of the house. I wonder if will start feeling lonely and want a companion. I don't feel lonely, and right now I am apprehensive about letting someone in my circle. If I did, it would have to be someone that gets me, assuages my anxiety, and doesn't try to cure or change me. Right now, there is a person like that in my classes at school, but he's too young. That one reason keeps me from talking to him because I wouldn't want to rob him of a chance of bringing his own flesh and blood children into this world as I couldn't conceive any for him being that I'm fixed. Otherwise he is a good candidate IMO. I send it out into the universe to bring a companion with qualities like that to me. At least I have his friendship, for now.

 

[kg4fxg]

I live with my wife and daughter. I have a room in the house that is just mine. Sort of what one would call the "Formal Living Room" off of the dinning room. Desk, bookcases, comfy chair. My place to retreat, but others are welcome in here. I do fine if I have my space that is safe and I can organize it as I see fit. My wife and daughter are fine with it, and my daughter spends lots of time with me in my so called office. Her things are always welcome. You just need to have a space that is yours, in my opinion. I have always had "My Room".

My office looks wonderful, cherry furniture and looks somewhat like a lawyers office with floor to ceiling bookcases on one wall. I am fussy about my room and my car in terms of clean. They are clean I function, if not I am a mess.