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Aspies and romance

Sherlock77

Sherlock77

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
The one post I almost don't want to make, the one I've been dreading the most since joining the forum, but here goes...

I'm in my mid 40's and have never had a romantic relationship, ever in my life... Something I'm embarrassed about sometimes... Sort of came close once about 20 years ago... In the last 10 years I almost joke that I'm "married" to my camera because that's how much I use it...

As I've said elsewhere, in the last few months I've been "almost" dating a lady who is about my same age, she is bi-polar (one challenge), is also an artist who supports my photography ambitions, and we share the same Christian faith background, that last one in particular is very important to me...

Anyway, just a question, not necessarily related to the previous paragraph...

Does being in a positive, healthy romantic relationship help to temper the rough edges of Asperger's? I have heard some bad stories on here as well, and I still think I must be the only person to have gone this far in life without dating, or am I...
 
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Regarding your question, I think a healthy, positive relationship will provide some acceptance and love that an Aspie may ne missing after a frequent lifetime of rejection, and possible issues with self-love. I see it as something that will make the Aspie stronger, and perhaps more comfortable in their life. I'm not sure if that's what you have in mind when you write tempering the rough edges, but that's the best opinion I can offer for tonight.
[Side note: if it can make you feel better, I got in my current relationship over a decade ago almost by accident; if it weren't for that one, I don't think I would be in a relationship at all. It's probably different for females than it is for males, though]

It's a good thing that you're seeing someone who supports you, and who has common values. Wishing you luck in that endeavour! (I've added that 'u' in the last word for your Canadian taste, but this feels so weird to me)
 
Katleya said:
[Side note: if it can make you feel better, I got in my current relationship over a decade ago almost by accident; if it weren't for that one, I don't think I would be in a relationship at all. It's probably different for females than it is for males, though]

It's a good thing that you're seeing someone who supports you, and who has common values. Wishing you luck in that endeavour! (I've added that 'u' in the last word for your Canadian taste, but this feels so weird to me)
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We also met quite by accident on a Sunday morning at church, and I'm just about the only single person of my age in our fairly small church...
 
I was 40 before I started dating and my current (and only romantic relationship) was pretty much a hiking accident (we started talking on a group hike). I was ok with not dating and not being married but embarrassed to tell people. Used to make up stories about fake former boyfriends sometimes around people I really didn't trust.
Does having a boyfriend help my aspieness? Yes, and no. I actually have learned some pretty good basic social skills from my bf, I've had a supportive person around, and I am happier than I used to be. But I still have all my sensory issues, clumsiness, executive functioning problems, ect.. and those are the things that actually bug me.
 
In my experience; the closer the aspie is to a loving and healthy relationship, the less defensive life will be and life will open up to more experiences.

Some key things are acceptance, understanding and communication.
 
I wouldn't call my experiences exactly 'dating' either. I was completely uninterested in all that through highschool .. missed the alleged 'joys' of uni life and work colleagues were hideous.

I found myself in a long term relationship in my mid 20s because i could never tell him to leave me alone. I felt guilty and mean as there was nothing particularly wrong with him. I just wasn't interested. I was undiagnosed aspie during the entire period.

In hindsight, he heightened all my aspie tendencies. When i was with him i felt more insecure ... more alienated ... more alone ... more unsupported...broken.

The relationship inevitibly and finally ended after most a decade and then i read about ASD.

I have recently rekindled a friendship from almost 20 years ago and find that communication, acceptance and genuine support from someone alleviates many aspie traits.

So ... my two cents is ...
It depends on the person. A relationship in and of itself will not help or hinder. It's all about the individuals in said relationship.

It's worth a try though ... don't you think?
 
Sherlock77 said:
Does being in a positive, healthy romantic relationship help to temper the rough edges of Asperger's?
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I don't think it's "the relationship" that tempers the edges. It's the choice. It's a choice that you make every day. Being in a relationship makes you more aware of your habits and the effect (or affect, I struggle with that one...) they have on other people. Then, it's up to you if you want to do anything about it. So a relationship is a motivator. But ultimately it is still you and your choices. And of course you're not the only person, I would expect the opposite, that being in a relationship is unusual for aspies because we are so independent and apart. Even now, I sometimes wonder if I would be happier on my own with lots of cats. So follow your heart, head or whatever appendage leads you, and go forth, live and attempt to find an approximation to happiness.
 
Bella Pines said:
I don't think it's "the relationship" that tempers the edges. It's the choice. It's a choice that you make every day. Being in a relationship makes you more aware of your habits and the effect (or affect, I struggle with that one...) they have on other people. Then, it's up to you if you want to do anything about it. So a relationship is a motivator. But ultimately it is still you and your choices. And of course you're not the only person, I would expect the opposite, that being in a relationship is unusual for aspies because we are so independent and apart. Even now, I sometimes wonder if I would be happier on my own with lots of cats. So follow your heart, head or whatever appendage leads you, and go forth, live and attempt to find an approximation to happiness.
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Good thought, why I ask the question in the first place...
 
My only comment would be that there is NOTHING like the feeling of being in love and being loved in return.
And for an Aspie that feeling of deep connection can be very rare and very special.
For that reason I think we can fall VERY hard when we do.
But as the old cliché goes ' Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'.
Go for it!
 
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I've had just a couple of relationships, all extremely disastrous and very hurtful, especially the last one. Since my early 30s (I'm 48 now) I've become happier to accept being single for the rest of my life. Relationships are often extremely difficult with Aspergers and I used to always be attracted to the wrong type of person for myself (my opposite - a very dominant and tough woman that would walk all over me, I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in people like myself and have rejected what most people would consider as very nice ladies), although there are some people that have overcome it and are in happy relationships.
 
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pjcnet said:
I've had just a couple of relationships, all extremely disastrous and very hurtful, especially the last one. Since my early 30s (I'm 48 now) I've become happier to accept being single for the rest of my life. Relationships are often extremely difficult with Aspergers and I used to always be attracted to the wrong type of person for myself (my opposite - a very dominant and tough woman that would walk all over me, I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in people like myself and have rejected what most people would consider as very nice ladies), although there are some people that have overcome it and are in happy relationships.
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My relationships have nearly always ended up with me having a total meltdown. I just can't do it any more. The aftermath is just too painful and takes too long to recover from.
But in saying that I would hate to have gone my whole life without experiencing the delirious feeling of happiness that being in love brings. Nothing else gives you that...... or gives me that anyway.
 
pjcnet said:
I've had just a couple of relationships, all extremely disastrous and very hurtful, especially the last one. Since my early 30s (I'm 48 now) I've become happier to accept being single for the rest of my life. Relationships are often extremely difficult with Aspergers and I used to always be attracted to the wrong type of person for myself (my opposite - a very dominant and tough woman that would walk all over me, I wouldn't be the slightest bit interested in people like myself and have rejected what most people would consider as very nice ladies), although there are some people that have overcome it and are in happy relationships.
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The other side, good to know...

Fitzo said:
My relationships have nearly always ended up with me having a total meltdown. I just can't do it any more. The aftermath is just too painful and takes too long to recover from.
But in saying that I would hate to have gone my whole life without experiencing the delirious feeling of happiness that being in love brings. Nothing else gives you that...... or gives me that anyway.
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Good perspective...
 
okay ... I hope someone can help me with the right kind of responses to my guy. We are meeting for the first time in person after several months apart. He has very nicely agreed to attend a very high-brow cultural event with me that he has no personal interest in, and has bought the tickets. To top it off, he has now gone and bought some fabulous new chic clothing to wear to said event ... simply put ... because in his words "someone is taking me to the ..." and additionally, he has bought some very nice cologne ... and he is working out ... so please tell me gentlemen ... I was very flattered ... and in fact wrote to tell him that he is going to look very hot in his new suit and it was a very sweet thing to do to buy the new clothing. Of course ... no response back ...lol ... I know to not read between the lines of anything ... however, I am hearing from his behavior that he is happy to go with me, he wants to smell nice and look nice (for an event with me), hence the clothing and the work outs. I told him the other day that my heart beats for him ... trying to be as straight forward as possible ... am I on the right track with comments such as these?
 
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