At first it was amazing, now I'm not so sure.

[Daidailow]

Hi,

I'm a NT who has been seeing a guy for two months who I have been fully aware from the start has high functioning autism. It's a long and intricate situation but I'll try and keep it short and sweet.

When I met him, everything was amazing. He would say the nicest things to me, leave me sweet notes to come back to after work, text me often with x's on the end. Never pull back from showing affection, asked me if I saw us as being long term, used the L word towards me... you get the idea.

Everything has moved so fast, I'm now living with him, I have my own seperate room. Everything was going well until after a weekend away when he said that he wanted to put the brakes on and go slowly because he doesn't want to commit to anything just yet. He said that the next relationship that he is in, he wants it to be his last, which I can see as a sweet gesture I suppose but he's got some sexual fantasies that he wants to explore first that involve more than one person.

He's not out to a lot of people and I'm respectful of that, he has two children and I'm supportive of the fact that he is a father.

It's just that now, I'm feeling very confused. I've pretty much fallen hook, line and sinker and yet he doesn't try to make me feel special anymore. Everything's stopped, I now only get one worded messages at the best of times, he doesn't leave me anymore special notes, is rarely affectionate, seems to have more time for everybody else other than myself and says some things to me that frankly make me feel upset about myself, whilst he used to say "you make me feel comfortable being gay" I now get "If I could choose to be straight, I would" as well as other little negative things that he brings up in conversation which, I could see past if he ever said anything nice to me. He gets rather jealous though and messages me lots if I'm away for a weekend with my family and friends which further confuses me.

I've talked to him about these things but he just keeps asserting to me that he wants it to go slow, but right now I'm feeling like it's coming to a full stop when I actually don't want that to happen.

If anyone's got any advice to give that would help, I would appreciate it as I'm ready to try anything right now.

 

[Ereth]

It's just that now, I'm feeling very confused. I've pretty much fallen hook, line and sinker and yet he doesn't try to make me feel special anymore. Everything's stopped, I now only get one worded messages at the best of times, he doesn't leave me anymore special notes, is rarely affectionate, seems to have more time for everybody else other than myself and says some things to me that frankly make me feel upset about myself, whilst he used to say "you make me feel comfortable being gay" I now get "If I could choose to be straight, I would" as well as other little negative things that he brings up in conversation which, I could see past if he ever said anything nice to me.

Does he now feel ashamed of being gay? He might be going through a period of doubt.

He gets rather jealous though and messages me lots if I'm away for a weekend with my family and friends which further confuses me.

This sounds rather bad. It's as if he only wants to interact with you on his own terms. He doesn't show you much affection, but when you're off with other people, he wants you all to himself.

I've talked to him about these things but he just keeps asserting to me that he wants it to go slow, but right now I'm feeling like it's coming to a full stop when I actually don't want that to happen.

He's deflecting your concerns instead of having an honest conversation with you . . . ouch. You may want to consider couples' counseling.

 

[nowwhat]

I am an 48 year old aspie male, married 23 years, with 2 kids. I could be wrong, but here's what I see:

I'm sorry, but life is rough, love one of the roughest parts. This is not going anywhere good for you. He was irresponsible in declaring himself and wooing you, and now you've become his fool for love's sake. It will never go back to how it was. At best there is more confusion and hurt for you. He is giving no value to your position by happily stringing you along this way. This "going slow" thing sounds like a bunch of BS so he can torture you while he has it both ways (no pun intended) and avoid making a decision. Gay, straight, bi, doesn't matter, he clearly doesn't feel about you the way you do about him. This places you in a very vulnerable position. Your need to use your head a bit and protect yourself here. In effect, hes asking you to wait around, hurting, like a dope while he makes up his mind. Stand up for yourself please and kick him to the curb. Just the fact that he is asking you to go along with this shows that he has no respect for you. No healthy relationship is possible with this man. Please put some distance between you and prepare to move on.

Oh, and the jealousy bit is not a sign that he still loves you. I think it goes along with all the bad, uncaring things he's doing. One does not seek to control someone one truly loves. This could be a red flag of a dangerous side he's yet to reveal. Another reason to get out and move on.

Don't feel ashamed about falling so completely. We've all done it, but you've got to overrule your heart for a while in order to survive. Hurts like hell, but there's a better life out there for you than this. You deserve and can do better.

 

[Daidailow]

Ereth, whilst I would love to consider couples counselling he's stated that we aren't in a committed relationship so there isn't any point in doing so at this stage.

He's not happy with being gay because of his situation, he's got two wonderful boys, one of which is autistic himself and he was the one who wanted me to meet the boys. He has separated from his long term girlfriend (who knows about him being gay) and she looks after his two children. he feels guilty that he's deceived her for 8 years and left her on her own with two children to look after.

Yeah I totally agree with you, it's like it's all on his terms, prime example is today he got in from work and rather than come in and say hello, he went straight to his room for 10 mins and when he finally came back down, never offered to make me a cup of tea (which he used to all the time) and went outside. I feel like I'm totally invisible to him.

And nowwhat my head says you're completely right, but my heart wants you to be completely wrong. He's said that even if it didn't work out between us that he would still want us to be close friends but in all honesty, I don't know if I could be his friend if it didn't work out. Living with him after would just hurt everyday.

 

[paulb]

Hi,

I'm a NT who has been seeing a guy for two months who I have been fully aware from the start has high functioning autism. It's a long and intricate situation but I'll try and keep it short and sweet.

When I met him, everything was amazing. He would say the nicest things to me, leave me sweet notes to come back to after work, text me often with x's on the end. Never pull back from showing affection, asked me if I saw us as being long term, used the L word towards me... you get the idea.

Everything has moved so fast, I'm now living with him, I have my own seperate room. Everything was going well until after a weekend away when he said that he wanted to put the brakes on and go slowly because he doesn't want to commit to anything just yet. He said that the next relationship that he is in, he wants it to be his last, which I can see as a sweet gesture I suppose but he's got some sexual fantasies that he wants to explore first that involve more than one person.

He's not out to a lot of people and I'm respectful of that, he has two children and I'm supportive of the fact that he is a father.

It's just that now, I'm feeling very confused. I've pretty much fallen hook, line and sinker and yet he doesn't try to make me feel special anymore. Everything's stopped, I now only get one worded messages at the best of times, he doesn't leave me anymore special notes, is rarely affectionate, seems to have more time for everybody else other than myself and says some things to me that frankly make me feel upset about myself, whilst he used to say "you make me feel comfortable being gay" I now get "If I could choose to be straight, I would" as well as other little negative things that he brings up in conversation which, I could see past if he ever said anything nice to me. He gets rather jealous though and messages me lots if I'm away for a weekend with my family and friends which further confuses me.

I've talked to him about these things but he just keeps asserting to me that he wants it to go slow, but right now I'm feeling like it's coming to a full stop when I actually don't want that to happen.

If anyone's got any advice to give that would help, I would appreciate it as I'm ready to try anything right now.

I'm not very good at giving advice, but here it goes.
For me, I moved in the first night and that was over 30 years ago and I'm still here. Lucky me. But I have seen many relationships start the route you seem to be on. Asking aspies for advice means little empathy sometimes.
At 2 months in any relationship is a point where the parties involved lose some of the sparkle and then start to think of the future.
Give him some rope. Having children brings many things to the forefront. You've gone fast, but in the gay world things are different especially if one has not been 'out and about' much, which is what you stated.
If you can afford it, get your own place but see if you not give up that 'separate' room. ( that should have been a clue). You cannot be in his apartment if he intends to 'host' others. Such an uncomfortable feeling.
He's giving you what sounds like many hints. Don't take the 'straight talk' as anything serious. We have all said that before and of course would never want that to happen.
We actually had the same type of weekend away with the same discussion afterwards. If you stay calm and, has hard as it is to stay rational, try. You seem to be putting a good foot forward already with seeking advice from the likes of this website.
To me this looks like it can work out.
One clue that things are starting to come together would be to bring up the idea of mutual bank accounts and property like furniture etc. And both seem it is possible. Eventually domestic partner or marriage means joint everything including child raising, unless there are prenups.
Your BF being a high function aspie really won't affect you this soon. But something to keep in the conversation from time to time much later. You also need to know he is going for the time being be 'hanging' with other guys. If your the 'one' he'll realize it, hopefully sooner not later.

Told you I'm not too good at this. BTW, we put our money together within a week of hooking up. That sometimes can result in 'stretching the truth'.

This is a learning experience all couples go through.
Have you been in a relationship before?

 

[Daidailow]

Paulb - I have been in a relationship before,and I've done everything sexually that I want to do. So I'm not sure if it's fair to expect him to do that same.

He's been in one other gay relationship before but it wasn't a very nice one, verbally and physically abusive. He had to put up with a lot of terrible things so I would have hoped that he would appreciate me a lot more.

What do you mean that he's giving me hints? Could you explain a little more please

 

[Ereth]

Ereth, whilst I would love to consider couples counselling he's stated that we aren't in a committed relationship so there isn't any point in doing so at this stage.

Fair enough. And it seems he's completely answered your questions about where the relationship is going---you want to be committed to him, but he doesn't sound interested in being committed to you.

He's not happy with being gay because of his situation, he's got two wonderful boys, one of which is autistic himself and he was the one who wanted me to meet the boys. He has separated from his long term girlfriend (who knows about him being gay) and she looks after his two children. he feels guilty that he's deceived her for 8 years and left her on her own with two children to look after.

I can understand his guilt towards his long-term girlfriend, but he shouldn't punish you because of it. Even if he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, he should consider it for himself so that he can address these guilty feelings in a healthy way.

 

[paulb]

Paulb - I have been in a relationship before,and I've done everything sexually that I want to do. So I'm not sure if it's fair to expect him to do that same.

He's been in one other gay relationship before but it wasn't a very nice one, verbally and physically abusive. He had to put up with a lot of terrible things so I would have hoped that he would appreciate me a lot more.

What do you mean that he's giving me hints? Could you explain a little more please

The 'one word' text responses as opposed to the previous long ones, less affection and the one about 'easier being straight'. Sounds like he wants to apply the brakes without raising an alarm bell in you. I think these could be hints.
Maybe he doesn't want confrontation, Aspies, at least me , are known for that. Emotions are not easy for us.
With now knowing a little more about his past, I still think the slow down would be good for you. He's obviously a little scared. But two months is a reasonable time to have an idea where this is heading. But two months is not long enough for total breakup. You've invested a good amount of effort so far.

 

[nowwhat]

And nowwhat my head says you're completely right, but my heart wants you to be completely wrong. He's said that even if it didn't work out between us that he would still want us to be close friends but in all honesty, I don't know if I could be his friend if it didn't work out. Living with him after would just hurt everyday.

In all honesty I'm known for living at the point where realism, pessimism, and fatalism all meet. It's a place everyone visits from time to time, but I wouldn't advise building a home here, as I seem to have done. Just some thoughts you might want to factor in.