At the end of my rope

[tdrfreebird]

I'm 29 years old and I have yet to enter a relationship. It's not that I haven't wanted it; I've wanted a girlfriend since the 1st grade. I had an abusive father and an overbearing mother. I was picked on in childhood for being fat and weird. Every friend I've ever had has either moved away, stopped talking to me or simply outgrown me. With every woman I've pursued I was placed firmly in the friend-zone.

2016 was by far the worst year of my adult life. I lost the last friend I had, I was again unsuccessful in moving out of my parents' house, I was fired from two jobs and I'm still unable to find any substantial work (and I have a Bachelor's degree). I've been depressed since I was 13, and it hit new lows in 2016. I woke up every morning thinking "What's the point of going on?". Life has lost all meaning for me, and I want to end it. Sometimes I cut and hit myself, just to snap myself out of a suicidal tailspin for a few minutes. I've had a few instances where I had a mental break and all I could do for 30 min. was use all the energy I had toward resist the urge to kill myself. Going to a therapy didn't help at all; the counselor was terrible (it took him 3 sessions to ask the same list of questions the psychiatrist did) and the psychiatrist was very rude and uncooperative. It feels like life keeping dangling a carrot in front of my face, and then takes it away and says "You don't get this because only normal people deserve this".

I took up dating last year, which has been fruitless. I got two dates with a girl and she stopped talking to me. I've had a handful of conversations that didn't go anywhere. I've messaged many women and I either get no response or she messages me back only to stop later. I've read all the online guides and tips to online dating, and nothing seems to work. There's this hump with women that I'm unable to get over. I feel like being in a relationship is vital to becoming an adult, and the longer this doesn't happen the worse my depression is going to get and the weirder it'll be for the woman. Not to say women don't have their own obstacles, but men are expected to be the initiator and having Asperger's only makes that burden worse.

I know this is a lot, and I appreciated anyone that's still reading. Weed and alcohol can no longer numb the pain for me. Life has become empty and pointless, and if living with Asperger's is forever going to be isolated and a constant uphill battle, what's the point? I feel no connection to anyone anymore, not even my own family members. I don't have much fight left in me, and I'm tired of feeling alienated from everything.

Can anyone help me?

 

[Adora]

I'm very sorry you are going through this,I understand your need for love and the sadness you feel,while I am a woman i also had issues with intiating anything with the opposite sex and I know men usually do it but I'm very shy even by female standards,I also in the past had dates that never rang or saw me again which sucked and hurt at the time,I wish I was able to help you with these feelings because I was there once and felt like I never even get married but I was fortunately proven wrong and got married when I was 29,you are still young and there will be some out there for you but it does take time and the best thing you can do is be kinder to yourself and I know it isn't easy to do because but it will help you heal and you don't know what love will give you sometimes it will give you a pleasant surprise.

 

[WittyAspie]

I am sorry to hear you are in a rough place. Growing older certainly makes friendships more difficult. After high school everyone progresses through life's stages at different rates. People naturally drift apart and having AS makes it hard to establish new friendships.

But, as Adora mentioned, 29 isn't old. Many people get married in their 30s. My dad's best friend didn't get married until his 40s. So there is still plenty of time.

Moving beyond relationship talk, what do you enjoy doing? What is your degree in? Is there anyone you see during your usual routine who you could cultivate a friendship with (guy or girl)?

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm 29 years old and I have yet to enter a relationship. It's not that I haven't wanted it; I've wanted a girlfriend since the 1st grade. I had an abusive father and an overbearing mother. I was picked on in childhood for being fat and weird. Every friend I've ever had has either moved away, stopped talking to me or simply outgrown me. With every woman I've pursued I was placed firmly in the friend-zone.

2016 was by far the worst year of my adult life. I lost the last friend I had, I was again unsuccessful in moving out of my parents' house, I was fired from two jobs and I'm still unable to find any substantial work (and I have a Bachelor's degree). I've been depressed since I was 13, and it hit new lows in 2016. I woke up every morning thinking "What's the point of going on?". Life has lost all meaning for me, and I want to end it. Sometimes I cut and hit myself, just to snap myself out of a suicidal tailspin for a few minutes. I've had a few instances where I had a mental break and all I could do for 30 min. was use all the energy I had toward resist the urge to kill myself. Going to a therapy didn't help at all; the counselor was terrible (it took him 3 sessions to ask the same list of questions the psychiatrist did) and the psychiatrist was very rude and uncooperative. It feels like life keeping dangling a carrot in front of my face, and then takes it away and says "You don't get this because only normal people deserve this".

I took up dating last year, which has been fruitless. I got two dates with a girl and she stopped talking to me. I've had a handful of conversations that didn't go anywhere. I've messaged many women and I either get no response or she messages me back only to stop later. I've read all the online guides and tips to online dating, and nothing seems to work. There's this hump with women that I'm unable to get over. I feel like being in a relationship is vital to becoming an adult, and the longer this doesn't happen the worse my depression is going to get and the weirder it'll be for the woman. Not to say women don't have their own obstacles, but men are expected to be the initiator and having Asperger's only makes that burden worse.

I know this is a lot, and I appreciated anyone that's still reading. Weed and alcohol can no longer numb the pain for me. Life has become empty and pointless, and if living with Asperger's is forever going to be isolated and a constant uphill battle, what's the point? I feel no connection to anyone anymore, not even my own family members. I don't have much fight left in me, and I'm tired of feeling alienated from everything.

Can anyone help me?

I'm sorry things are so awful for you

I'd like to start by saying that being in a relationship will not make you happy. Its not a magic pill to ending all your woes, if anything after a while it can make things harder, and you have to put so much energy into them.

You need to find yourself, make yourself happy by yourself, and love will find you.

Thinking you will find happiness and contentment in another human when you can't be happy alone is a mistake so many people make - they won't make you happy, not really, its an illusion.

Concentrate on loving yourself, being the person you want to be before worrying about being with someone else.

No one will make you truly happy except you!

 

[Suzanne]

Wow, first of all, welcome to aspiecentral, where you should start to feel appreciated very fast!

I agree that relationships are part based on being an adult; obviously there are many who are quite happy to be single and they are called: very confident in their own skin.

I get you so much about feeling that you are constantly presented with a "carrot" and it only snatched away! But what I am gradually learning is that my expectations can be rather high ie I jump with in with all my mental force, thinking grandious things and the reality is quite different and I come down with a huge THUMP. It is the very few times that I have not taken high expectations that I hae succeeded and relationships is one of those. Despite how awful I felt and to a certain extent, still struggle with self awareness, I started dating when I was 16 and only because this first guy EVER fancied me ( as it happened, I did not fancy him) and it sort of kicked started romance for me. But each time, I had 0 hope of being fancied and so was SHOCKED when guys did take an interest in me.

As I grew older, marriage came into the picture ( not literally, just what is considered socially the norm). I was asked my hand in marriage, but had to let him know that I was petrfied of that kind of committmenet and so, called it off, but hey, not even an engagement ring!

I met my husband when I was 21 and again, never dreamed that he liked me, let alone wanted to offer marriage, which he did and we have been married for 25 year's now.

None of that is to "rub it in", but to show that when you do not go looking, you usually do find, which seems such a contradiction, but for relationships, it is very sound advice!

You see, when one comes across as too eager, that can be an awful turn off and thus, they back away. I find this with friendships too. As soon as someone took the time to talk to me, in my head it was: wow they want to be friends and I showed a too eager response and they backed away. Whereas ever since I discovered aspergers, it has been the springboard to self acknowledgment and growth and whereas I would panic and feel that every one was looking at that loser sitting by herself, I discovered that I am ok and can look around and not feel starved and when I did get a hello, I just smiled and said hello back and that was all and I did not feel like an idiot.

Just an idea with your weight issues ( which I am sure goes a long way to not helping with your self confidence). If you eat sugar, quit and eat honey instead, if you need something sweet. Eat high fats and very low carbs and do cardio exercises. The body needs time to adjust, which is why when one goes of fad diets, they fail miserably, because it has to be a habit formed.

As you find clothes are becoming loose, you will gain more motivation to keep going.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Were you prescribed any medication? And if so how did you get on with that?

 

[paloftoon]

I'm in my late 30s, and I've never been in a relationship. I've finally had several opportunities to start one, but I'm really glad I did not enter into one with most of my prior options. There is a date that I did have that I have ended up feeling like was a relationship. And when I finally realized that I have taken it this far, I realize that I need a break and need to re-focus on myself. I did not realize beforehand that you want to have yourself as together as possible before looking for others basically. No one can be perfect, but a grand effort to be complimentary and not reliant is important for a relationship to work generally speaking.

Getting into the friend zone with people is not necessarily a bad thing, because some of those friends may want to refer you to other potential candidates. So, try not to burn your bridges. Also, join more interest groups using meetup.com if you live near or in a big city. You will meet more people this way, and also the more meetups, different types, and different locations you attend, the more knowledgeable you become in being able to be your own person when in front of other people. Independence and confidence are attractive, and this is one way to build it up socially on your own for interest groups.

For job related things, always make sure you are either always going to school if you can or at least volunteering somewhere so that employers are more likely to want to hire you.

As someone else mentioned, exercising can help relieve stress and many other things.

As for dating, a lot of people have a tendency to be too picky. So, if this is the case with you, maybe consider people who have interests similar to yours even if they aren't necessarily the most attractive people. And if they don't work out for you after "trying them out," attempt a friendship. Or, some people don't like the pressure of dating or are not ready to date again, so they want to start off as friends instead. You can consider that too. If you have a big body type and are only trying to go for women with sexy curvy features, then you might be trying to go for too much. Try not to have expectations that are too high or too low, but aim for a good balance. Sure you can still like the people that look like super models to you and most people, and maybe one of them might like you back. If they happen to do so, I'd definitely try to be prepared for other things such as maybe you have to work with them on issues that most people don't want to put up with and that's why that person doesn't have someone else. At some point, you will have to be willing to compromise or deal with someone's problems and vice versa, because no one is perfect. So, keep that in mind too.

 

[Bolletje]

It's been mentioned before by others, but I'm going to mention it again: It sucks to hear you're feeling the way you do about yourself. That being said, you're in no condition to go on dates at the point. Feeling this low, questioning the point of living at all, disliking yourself.

When people are feeling this way about life and are looking for a relationship for a fix of happiness, they tend to give off a rather desperate vibe. It's setting yourself up for failure, really. And if someone does come along and you get in a relationship, what do you have to offer them, at this point? Having a partner to share the pain with is nice, but it doesn't make the pain go away. To put it harshly, would you want to date you?

I'm not saying you're unlikeable or a horrible being or unworthy of a relationship, but I mean to say that getting some of the current baggage out of the way seems like a bigger priority to me.

I'd suggest working on yourself (cliche, I know) before looking for dates. Like others said, work out, develop your interests, join a club, try to make some new friends. Get to work on liking yourself and your life some more, and people will like you more as a result.

 

[xudo]

I'm no good at this stuff, so I just want to say that I'd echo what everyone else has put so well.

Getting into the friend zone with people is not necessarily a bad thing, because some of those friends may want to refer you to other potential candidates. So, try not to burn your bridges.

Definitely agree with @paloftoon on this, as I was friends with my husband for a while before we got together.

 

[OkRad]

Just a fellow End of Roper here. But I waited till I was slammed from hell to breakfast for 35 years before saying I have had enough. I have had 35 years of continual hell and seeing by others on here, most of the time, things kind of work out. So I am the outlier, of course.

I have a plan but still am afraid to do it, though I did in July last year. I ODed "Final Exit" style, but it did not work because I puked badly.

Some days I am glad I failed but it is not true that people who fail at suicide are glad they failed. Many days I think, "Wow, I would not be here NOW suffering this wretched day if I had not failed."

Yes, some things have gotten better, but I see the trend now. I am now old and nothing good comes to beat up, depressed, middle aged, useless, disabled, non-working, no life ever people anywhere, auties are not.

But with autism, I know that it can never be different. I put more sweat into recovery than people put into getting two or three PhD's and yet....nothing to show but the shame of trying so long and so hard.

But you can't be here till you get to be old and worn out. You have hope. Try anything, do everything, run around and knock on every door. You will know when it really is over.

 

[tdrfreebird]

First of all, I'd like to say thanks to everyone for being supportive. It's nice to know that I'm in a place where I won't get replies like "You SHOULD kill yourself" and "Man up, faggot" or something similar.

There are few things I'd like to address:
-2 years ago I weighed around 400lbs. I am currently down to approx. 240lbs. What makes this so hard is that I have worked on myself and my weight, and I still feel empty and unfulfilled. I exercise everyday, and it doesn't help the depression at all.
-I don't believe I have high standards for women, especially in the looks department. Not to be mean, and not that it mattered, but the girl I did go out with was average at best. What I'm looking for is a connection, and we had some of the same interests and aspirations.
-I've been in the friend-zone more times than I care to admit. Just being friends with a woman isn't what I have a problem with; it's when I'm into her and she sees me as a big teddy bear, asexual and simply there for emotional support.

I'm not replying to all of your replies just to be negative (though Aspies tend to do that), I want what I'm saying to have more context.

What makes the depression worse is that I have being working on myself. I spent all of 2016 exercising, doing things outside my comfort zone, online dating, joining a Meetup writers' group, researching Aspergers and self-help, etc, and ultimately none of it mattered. I'm afraid that I'm going to come out of all this self-improvement only to still be an undesirable because of having Aspergers, or how I look, or whatever.

 

[tdrfreebird]

Were you prescribed any medication? And if so how did you get on with that?

I was on antidepressants for a little while. My mood improved but it made me lethargic. The psychiatrist that prescribed them was a prick, so even if I still had health insurance I'd be reluctant to see him again.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I was on antidepressants for a little while. My mood improved but it made me lethargic. The psychiatrist that prescribed them was a prick, so even if I still had health insurance I'd be reluctant to see him again.

Could you not see someone else? There are some doctors out there who really shouldn't be working in a caring profession. I also completely understand if the side effects were too much for you, the one time I was on antidepressants it made me so absolutely miserable that I couldn't stand to be one them so I gave up after a week and a half. I did however try something else and I couldn't be more happier with what I'm on now.

What's I'm just saying is you have still struggle with relationships, work and family but you don't have to be miserable too. It can just make it a little less emotionally taxing.

 

[WittyAspie]

Congratulations on losing weight!!

Psychiatric medication is a difficult thing. Everyone reacts a little differently. What works for one person will be terrible for another and vice versa.

I used to loathe the idea of taking medication every day for the rest of my life. I didn't want to be dependent on pharmaceuticals. But now that I am on medication I have a higher quality of life.

I won't pretend to know you or know what is best for you. I just wanted to share my experience. Medication is tricky and takes time to figure out, but it has been beneficial to me.

Is there any way you could use exercise to interact with people and develop friendships? Do you work out at home, in the gym, elsewhere? There is likely someone who would love to have you show them how to lose weight and exercise with them. Reaching out and helping others is a great way to make new friends and boost your self esteem.

 

[tdrfreebird]

Could you not see someone else? There are some doctors out there who really shouldn't be working in a caring profession. I also completely understand if the side effects were too much for you, the one time I was on antidepressants it made me so absolutely miserable that I couldn't stand to be one them so I gave up after a week and a half. I did however try something else and I couldn't be more happier with what I'm on now.

What's I'm just saying is you have still struggle with relationships, work and family but you don't have to be miserable too. It can just make it a little less emotionally taxing.

The place I went to was the only place in my area that accepted new patients through Medicare and provided both counseling and prescriptions. I'm unemployed right now and without any health coverage, but once I can get back on my feet I at least want to get anti-anxiety medication. It's just a matter of coming out of this rut alive.

 

[tdrfreebird]

Is there any way you could use exercise to interact with people and develop friendships? Do you work out at home, in the gym, elsewhere? There is likely someone who would love to have you show them how to lose weight and exercise with them. Reaching out and helping others is a great way to make new friends and boost your self esteem.

If I was employed I would join a gym. My daily routine is about 30 minutes on an exercise bike, 40-50 sit-ups, and some weight lifting, and that got boring pretty quick haha. Striking up conversation with a stranger would be pretty uncomfortable for me, but that's something I'm trying to work on.

 

[Chris Russell]

First, I must say I really love that the people on this site are so supporting... Who says we don't know how to interact with people? Who says we have no empathy? Herein lies the answer to at least some of the problems you're suffering Tdrfreebird.... and you are not alone. I agree with the comment about health professionals not necessarily being of help, and would add that ignorance of Aspergers can be really damaging in a therapeutic relationship. (It may be worth looking for a therapist who specialises in Asperger clients - they crop up in the most surprising places, and are becoming more frequent...) You need to be around people who understand you. I guess that doesn't happen much outside of site like this, but we are here for you. We do understand. Please keep talking... get your fix here, and it can help put everything else in perspective while you recover from this terrible low point and, with the resolve you clearly have, (regarding your amazing weight loss) you WILL recover.