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Attracted to those who hurt you psychologically?

AnnMoss

AnnMoss

Awkward Moss
I wonder if it's easier for "our kind" to be taken advantage of by abusive people than others? I am often not a very good judge of character because "compellingly interesting puzzle-human" is usually what makes a person stand out to me, and people who are clinically narcissistic and sociopathic are often very interesting to those who don't see the red flags. There have been several people in my life that friends and family have known were not good for me, but I couldn't see that - I was too driven by fixation on human-puzzle and empathy would salve all wounds acquired even though it was to my detriment. I am better about those red flags now and just assume that most anyone I am attracted to whatsoever is probably not a very healthy person. Anyone else have experiences with this?
 
(Copied from the other thread where we discussed this originally).

I think you're on to something. It never occurred to me that people who are hard to figure out are a draw...but you're right, they are. But I also have a tendency to see injury before malice - so I see someone and realize they were hurt, and I want to forgive everything, because I see that they were hurt.

Too, I'm extremely open and honest. Some people are intimidated by that...especially people with something to hide. *laughs* But also, I basically tell people who are so inclined how to manipulate me. I'm really open about what makes me tick.

I don't think that is a bad trait, but I do think it means I need to be more aware and self aware so that if someone is using that trait against me I can get out of dodge.
 
SDRSpark said:
Here's a really good article I found recently - it feels like the author was following me around taking notes. This is exactly what I have experienced.

How The Narcissist Gets Away With Abusing People And Come Off As A Good Person
Click to expand...
I couldn't finish the whole article however I'm familiar with the contents from real life. The first half described things that are, sadly, very real for many people. It seems inexplicable, of course. And that makes it more painful.
 
Yep. Kind of blind to that. But have had that happen at a job i had years ago. I trust God to help me stir clear of such people.
 
l hate to admit this but it took getting burned badly many times for me to step back and realise people can be evil.

Now l isolate by choice and am quite comfortable in my bubble. It feels very safe. l need to feel safe at this age. This is my main priority in life besides paying bills.

Are economic times rougher? Are there more desperate people on the planet looking to take advantage of anyone? College degrees have lost their value. Companies no longer pay pensions. Education standards no longer exist. Middle class has narrowed out, with more disadvantaged lower income people. We need to realise this and carefully inspect who we allow in our inner circle.
 
Same here. I keep finding myself interested in people that turn out to be taking advantage of me or to not be great persons in general. Something about those individuals is just fascinating to me. By now, I have come to understand that the ones I am usually attracted to first are those I should stay away from. Works not too badly actually, just requires a lot of discipline cause I have to constantly go against what I actually want....
I am not good at seeing red flags - I can recognize similarities to individuals I have been hurt by before but I have to mentally check them off on a list whereas others around me just "get it". While I have to work out an argument and then reach the conclusion, those around me just end up at the conclusion instantly. I envy that a lot. Unknown red flags are not registered on my part.
 
In my late teens and early twenties I often felt attracted to people who would string me along, use me, or call me names behind my back. When I was 18 I had a group of male friends, most of them early and mid-twenties. I felt pretty cool that I was the sole woman in their group of friends. I felt safe with them, because in my experience so far I’d found most women to be untrustworthy, and most men straightforward.
A lot of those guys tried to get in my pants with mind games, and when they succeeded they would call me a slut to everyone who would hear it. I later found out my so called friends were betting on who would get to sleep with me next. I thought they were my friends. I left that group heartbroken, with a lot of trust issues.
What sucked even more was that when I met a few of them that hadn’t screwed me over at a party, years later, their girlfriends forbade them from talking with me because I had a reputation as being the ultimate seductress. I was completely ostracized. Even though it’s been fifteen years, I am still not welcome at parties from mutual friends because they feel my presence will cause drama, even though I have zero interest in those guys and am in a happy long term relationship.
 
I think we are definitely easier targets. And I think there is something in them that attracts us to them - like their charm and ability to win people over. They have a lot of qualities that we wish we had and it's appealing to us. As for other's seeing the red flags that we don't see - I think we're focused more on those other qualities and don't see past our rose colored glasses. Plus, I've read that ASD's don't always recognize danger. Whatever we're drawn to, that's sometimes all we see.
 
I'm not like that at all. If someone tries to take advantage of me, insults me, or negatively impacts my life in some other way I cut off contact with them. I think I'm pretty good at judging people. But I was much more naive when I was younger.
 
Bolletje said:
I’m afraid I have to second that. I’ve been the unsuspecting victim of a few cases of sexual violence.
Click to expand...

I'm asexual, so I'm doubly clueless about sexual signals and that's been a major contributor to some situations. I literally have no clue someone is trying to get in my pants unless they explicitly state it.
 
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate this feedback. All of your responses have been very helpful. I'm sorry you've experienced this, it's awful to try to trust and then get slapped down and hurt just because we're wanting positive connection.
Pats said:
They have a lot of qualities that we wish we had and it's appealing to us
Click to expand...
So so true. Since childhood I've been attracted to a specific sort of villain in films because they are generally outcasts for being different (the difference is that they're evil but I always thought that must have been the result of being treated poorly for being different), they're acutely aware, yet they are unaffected by, or at least able to skillfully maneuver through, emotions of their own and others. As an adult with the real life people I'm drawn to I perceive them as strong and independent and from their perspective (as I interpreted it) people's opinions be damned. Why so appealing? Because I sometimes wish I could not care and not get all messed up by my own feelings and inability to relate and this constant feeling of "am I behaving right?". They don't care if they're "behaving right". It would be so much more convenient!

Thanks again everyone.
 
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