Autism&ADHD? Nahhh...Just Give Him A Smack

[Storm Hess]

Yes, that's what i had to endure in my youth. Autism and ADHD were never tested for when I was growing up. "Smack him hard enough, he'll straighten out." Back then, ignorance was plentiful and punishment freely distributed when I "wasn't acting normal". It actually feels quite cathartic to release this. My father use to say, "Stop doing that, people will think there's something wrong with you."...that was his response to me jumping up and down and swaying back and forth when I was happy. When I would...'stim'...I'd stretch my fingers really wide and tend to spring up on my tiptoes. I still stretch my fingers wide and tend to keep my rocking motions to a minimum...stealth purposes...parents say 'no!'.

My mother and step father are still ignorant on the subject of Autism and ADHD and insist that there's "nothing to diagnose, you're wasting your time.", yet, most who have experience with Autism and contact with me, say, "Yes...seek a diagnosis." I think my mother would be more embarrassed for herself to know that her son has Autism, because that would possibly mean that she may have issues as well. That would be taboo!

This isn't a 'feel bad for me' post...this was my experience and it feels good to say something about it.

Anyone else experience this?

 

[iamlindsaythatisall]

I know my mom was afraid for me to get diagnosed because she thought it would make her look/feel like a bad mom for not noticing it earlier. She’d also attempt to convince me that nothing was “wrong.” She’s kind of come to terms with it now, though. I think parents are a tad biased when it comes to their kids.

My brother was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 4, as well, and I present muuuuch differently. I think she was also comparing me to him. She was doing the best she could, and I completely understand that.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I come from a Family of 6 pretty sure 4 of us were or are Aspies. As family we were more know for being bright a much as strange. the oldest, brightest and wierdest died two years. The one common denominator we all share we all have AB blood type my wife pointed this out to me last year. not sure if it means any thing. Both my parents had AB blood type. one NT brother is B, the other A.

 

[Au Naturel]

Yes, that's what i had to endure in my youth. Autism and ADHD were never tested for when I was growing up. "Smack him hard enough, he'll straighten out." Back then, ignorance was plentiful and punishment freely distributed when I "wasn't acting normal". It actually feels quite cathartic to release this. My father use to say, "Stop doing that, people will think there's something wrong with you."...that was his response to me jumping up and down and swaying back and forth when I was happy. When I would...'stim'...I'd stretch my fingers really wide and tend to spring up on my tiptoes. I still stretch my fingers wide and tend to keep my rocking motions to a minimum...stealth purposes...parents say 'no!'.

My mother and step father are still ignorant on the subject of Autism and ADHD and insist that there's "nothing to diagnose, you're wasting your time.", yet, most who have experience with Autism and contact with me, say, "Yes...seek a diagnosis." I think my mother would be more embarrassed for herself to know that her son has Autism, because that would possibly mean that she may have issues as well. That would be taboo!

This isn't a 'feel bad for me' post...this was my experience and it feels good to say something about it.

Anyone else experience this?

That was pretty much standard when I was a kid. And was still standard 20 years later.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I got strapped twice in public school. loved my older brothers reaction when they strapped him pulled the strap from the teachers hand and strapped him back. violence is not a solution. I still know the names of the teachers, the old age home is not safe.

 

[Magna]

Yes, that's what i had to endure in my youth. Autism and ADHD were never tested for when I was growing up. "Smack him hard enough, he'll straighten out." Back then, ignorance was plentiful and punishment freely distributed when I "wasn't acting normal". It actually feels quite cathartic to release this. My father use to say, "Stop doing that, people will think there's something wrong with you."...that was his response to me jumping up and down and swaying back and forth when I was happy. When I would...'stim'...I'd stretch my fingers really wide and tend to spring up on my tiptoes. I still stretch my fingers wide and tend to keep my rocking motions to a minimum...stealth purposes...parents say 'no!'.

My mother and step father are still ignorant on the subject of Autism and ADHD and insist that there's "nothing to diagnose, you're wasting your time.", yet, most who have experience with Autism and contact with me, say, "Yes...seek a diagnosis." I think my mother would be more embarrassed for herself to know that her son has Autism, because that would possibly mean that she may have issues as well. That would be taboo!

This isn't a 'feel bad for me' post...this was my experience and it feels good to say something about it.

Anyone else experience this?

How/where did they hit you exactly?

My mom used to say that she had to give me an after school spanking oftentimes to "reset my clock".

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I never had that much respect for teachers, one day the guidance counsellor called me aside and gave me a heart to heart talk. Still to this day not sure what it was about, he was close to retirement, said we were the brightest family he had ever meet over his career. and that rules such which mandatory courses to take did not apply to us. after all we were brighter then virtually every teacher in the school. who were they to dictate. Being the most normal one in my family I guess he had to get it off his chest. fortunately he was right about the choices, looking back now
He must have gotten permission from the school board to take me aside and chat. I did not tell my brothers until years latter. my older brother was a genius I still occasionally here stories from others about him. Needless to say bright people do not impress me even the really bright ones.

 

[Nemesis_2k7]

Yes, that's what i had to endure in my youth. Autism and ADHD were never tested for when I was growing up. "Smack him hard enough, he'll straighten out." Back then, ignorance was plentiful and punishment freely distributed when I "wasn't acting normal". It actually feels quite cathartic to release this. My father use to say, "Stop doing that, people will think there's something wrong with you."...that was his response to me jumping up and down and swaying back and forth when I was happy. When I would...'stim'...I'd stretch my fingers really wide and tend to spring up on my tiptoes. I still stretch my fingers wide and tend to keep my rocking motions to a minimum...stealth purposes...parents say 'no!'.

My mother and step father are still ignorant on the subject of Autism and ADHD and insist that there's "nothing to diagnose, you're wasting your time.", yet, most who have experience with Autism and contact with me, say, "Yes...seek a diagnosis." I think my mother would be more embarrassed for herself to know that her son has Autism, because that would possibly mean that she may have issues as well. That would be taboo!

This isn't a 'feel bad for me' post...this was my experience and it feels good to say something about it.

Anyone else experience this?

I have experienced this, to the extreme. From both my parents. I now feel, that people who beat their children, are cowards. There are other ways of punishing / teaching your children. For example, i used to smack my kids on the nappy / bum / hand. but lightly. as a corrective measure, and a last resort. These parents that use Straps / belts / wooden spoons / fists, and beat their kids, need serious help. And their kids turn out like me. angry at the world for years. un-trusting. Afraid to go outside. afraid to get to close to anyone. they end up quite damaged in more ways than one. then society tells them to "get over it" pretty much. We need SERIOUS punishments for parents that beat their children. These parents need to stop being ignorant, and looking for the 'easy' way out.

Also just to add, i got SO sick of the violence from my parents, i started retaliating, and becoming violent towards them. i used to scream HOW DO YOU LIKE IT HUH. and have some severe melt downs. Issues at school, issues..well..everywhere.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I raised two sons without every having touched them. I am impressed with both of them, Violence is never a appropriate response.

 

[Nemesis_2k7]

I have experienced this, to the extreme. From both my parents. I now feel, that people who beat their children, are cowards. There are other ways of punishing / teaching your children. For example, i used to smack my kids on the nappy / bum / hand. but lightly. as a corrective measure, and a last resort. These parents that use Straps / belts / wooden spoons / fists, and beat their kids, need serious help. And their kids turn out like me. angry at the world for years. un-trusting. Afraid to go outside. afraid to get to close to anyone. they end up quite damaged in more ways than one. then society tells them to "get over it" pretty much. We need SERIOUS punishments for parents that beat their children. These parents need to stop being ignorant, and looking for the 'easy' way out.

I know my mom was afraid for me to get diagnosed because she thought it would make her look/feel like a bad mom for not noticing it earlier. She’d also attempt to convince me that nothing was “wrong.” She’s kind of come to terms with it now, though. I think parents are a tad biased when it comes to their kids.

My brother was officially diagnosed with Asperger’s at the age of 4, as well, and I present muuuuch differently. I think she was also comparing me to him. She was doing the best she could, and I completely understand that.

Sounds like my mum. her pride, came before my ability to have a decent life. Parents. Toxic and ignorant. She is still ignorant of my condition, because she is more concerned with appearing "good" and "perfect" than actually getting with the program, and being open minded. makes me irritated and angry even thinking about it

 

[Suzette]

My mother wasn't physically abusive. She was neglectful, manipulative and has a strong tendency towards narcissim. She simply failed to pay real attention to my difficulties. I was told to straigten up, try harder and many other things. She flat refused to believe me when I reported my brother was abusive, my cousin was sexually abusing me or, later, that my husband was emotionally abusive. I am quite certain she thinks I am lying to her about autisim. Her denial and delusion is not my problem.

 

[Nemesis_2k7]

My mother wasn't physically abusive. She was neglectful, manipulative and has a strong tendency towards narcissim. She simply failed to pay real attention to my difficulties. I was told to straigten up, try harder and many other things. She flat refused to believe me when I reported my brother was abusive, my cousin was sexually abusing me or, later, that my husband was emotionally abusive. I am quite certain she thinks I am lying to her about autisim. Her denial and delusion is not my problem.

ah yes. narcissism. have wondered this about my mum. i know , harsh. but those red flags are there. i still respect her, i am just careful around her, and also around women who behave like her. has saved me allot of grief

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

You have to watch out for people with narcissistic and sociopast traits. hard to avoid when your a child.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Initially my parents tried to normalise my ADHD and Autism. But the more I spoke with them - remaining calm and open. The more they began to learn about the condition. They're now at a point of acceptance, but it took a long time.

Ed

 

[Nemesis_2k7]

You have to watch out for people with narcissistic and sociopast traits. hard to avoid when your a child.

Yea. i recently learned what those terms were. I honestly thought they applied to me, until i learned i had ASD, and i was capable of learning, and willing.

I "see" narcs everywhere now days. I have studied that part of psychology pretty in depth. I could be wrong here, but they are everywhere! not everyone. but there is a majority! and i seem to be attracted to them, and attract them. I still have not figured out in my life, how to say NO properly. and how to defend myself properly. I am thinking it is easier "playing dumb" and having "nothing anybody wants" and see how many people "flock" to me then. My father definitely is a narcissist. i have zero to do with him. And i have a feeling my mum is too.

Sucks for me to say it. really does. but all those red flags are there. and i remember my abusive childhood. I have never forgotten it. I still respect my mum, i just limit my interaction with her, and i make sure i do not be negative or share negative experiences, because when i do, she will disappear out of my life, and remove all contact from me. In her words, "she cannot handle the negativity" but yet, she can and does often, say, and do negative things. she acts like she is all sensitive and cannot handle it. but does that stop her from being mouthy or rude or attacking? oh hell no. it doesn't. I suspect she is playing the "poor weak me" card, as a form of control. covert narcissism, basically. and since covid has come in, she has been loving talking about masks and making sure i wear them "EVERYWHERE" even though our rules and situation state, in doors in public places only. and she wont wear them herself. she waits in the car, or stays home. i suspect, to remain in control, so she does not have to obey, and do what everyone else has to do. she uses my grandmother as a scapegoat for these behaviours to. saying she cannot afford to let anyone "catch covid and give it to my mother" yet, we have all done the right thing, and followed the rules. she even told me, if i did not get vaccinated at xmas, i cannot come down and see the family. I told her about my health problems, and the warnings from the Dr, regarding covid vaccines and my situation. nothing seems to matter. so i was "forced" into it pretty much. and i did not feel well at all after the "jab".

 

[Suzette]

I still have not figured out in my life, how to say NO properly. and how to defend myself properly

Setting boundaries and defending them is one of the hardest things to do in my opinion.

One thing thing that was really, enourmously, staggeringly, helpful (I don't want to over emphasize how important this is) is to finally learn - our parents and peers have the same capacity to be happy in the face of disappointment that we do.

You can let them be disappointed. You can let them be angry or sad. It's o.k. They have agency and can choose to be happy regardless of what you do.

I have found that being calm and firm yeilds the best results.

Many of us try go make others change their behavior and treat us better but they aren't ever going to change. Its better to stop accepting the abuse, the rudeness and demands. And most of all ignore all the little ways they try to manipulate us or goad us.

I find it helpful to try to see my mom from the perspective of someone else looking in. Like I am watching t.v. or a play. I can clearly see everything so much better that way and I am less affected by her anger or little manipulative dramas. And it makes me feel really calm.

 

[Raggamuffin]

A friend of mine has rather old school Fenland parents. He told me that him and his parents believe that people with ADHD are just misbehaved and should've been smacked more when they were kids, then perhaps they wouldn't be so defective as adults.

As soon as the words left his mouth I wanted to smack him.

Wouldn't ever do anything like that though. But of course, parental values are often passed down to their children.

Ed

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Yea. i recently learned what those terms were. I honestly thought they applied to me, until i learned i had ASD, and i was capable of learning, and willing.

I "see" narcs everywhere now days. I have studied that part of psychology pretty in depth. I could be wrong here, but they are everywhere! not everyone. but there is a majority! and i seem to be attracted to them, and attract them. I still have not figured out in my life, how to say NO properly. and how to defend myself properly. I am thinking it is easier "playing dumb" and having "nothing anybody wants" and see how many people "flock" to me then. My father definitely is a narcissist. i have zero to do with him. And i have a feeling my mum is too.

Sucks for me to say it. really does. but all those red flags are there. and i remember my abusive childhood. I have never forgotten it. I still respect my mum, i just limit my interaction with her, and i make sure i do not be negative or share negative experiences, because when i do, she will disappear out of my life, and remove all contact from me. In her words, "she cannot handle the negativity" but yet, she can and does often, say, and do negative things. she acts like she is all sensitive and cannot handle it. but does that stop her from being mouthy or rude or attacking? oh hell no. it doesn't. I suspect she is playing the "poor weak me" card, as a form of control. covert narcissism, basically. and since covid has come in, she has been loving talking about masks and making sure i wear them "EVERYWHERE" even though our rules and situation state, in doors in public places only. and she wont wear them herself. she waits in the car, or stays home. i suspect, to remain in control, so she does not have to obey, and do what everyone else has to do. she uses my grandmother as a scapegoat for these behaviours to. saying she cannot afford to let anyone "catch covid and give it to my mother" yet, we have all done the right thing, and followed the rules. she even told me, if i did not get vaccinated at xmas, i cannot come down and see the family. I told her about my health problems, and the warnings from the Dr, regarding covid vaccines and my situation. nothing seems to matter. so i was "forced" into it pretty much. and i did not feel well at all after the "jab".

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

When i see my younger brother, again I will ask him what the proportion of these types is in the population, he has a degree in psychology. of hand it could be as high as 10%. I remember years ago there was a book published called" snakes in suits" before the internet, became a best seller, could never get a copy were always sold out, went missing in the library before I could read it Yes they are every where. We reward this behaviour.

 

[Magna]

"Setting boundaries and defending them is one of the hardest things to do in my opinion."

^ This can be doubly true when it's with family in my experience.

"One thing thing that was really, enourmously, staggeringly, helpful (I don't want to over emphasize how important this is) is to finally learn - our parents and peers have the same capacity to be happy in the face of disappointment that we do.

You can let them be disappointed. You can let them be angry or sad. It's o.k. They have agency and can choose to be happy regardless of what you do.

I have found that being calm and firm yeilds the best results.

Many of us try go make others change their behavior and treat us better but they aren't ever going to change. Its better to stop accepting the abuse, the rudeness and demands. And most of all ignore all the little ways they try to manipulate us or goad us.

I find it helpful to try to see my mom from the perspective of someone else looking in. Like I am watching t.v. or a play. I can clearly see everything so much better that way and I am less affected by her anger or little manipulative dramas. And it makes me feel really calm."

^ This is very helpful information. I've recently come to the same conclusion in trauma therapy from childhood trauma. Children in repeat trauma situations in a family setting often blame themselves or assume that they're the problem. That carries over into adulthood into avoidance of establishing boundaries with family members and worried about saying "no" because you feel responsible for their feelings. You're worried that saying "no" will hurt their feelings and that it will be your fault (like you thought it was your fault when you were a child) and you'll be racked with guilt. Just like you said, @Suzette , the reality is we're not responsible for how others react to our setting of healthy and normal boundaries. It's ok for others to be upset if we're advocating for ourselves in a healthy way. It's ok for them to just have to deal with it. The preservation of their feelings doesn't override the importance of and the right to us establishing healthy and normal boundaries.

There's a very helpful online forum/support site for people who are unfortunate to be or have been around people who have various personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder called: outofthefog.net The site has a wealth of information that I've found helpful.