Autism and anger issues (I’m ALWAYS angry)

[theeviloneisyou]

When I was a kid, I was very happy-go-lucky. I liked having fun, I got along with my peers, and I very rarely lost my temper. But around the end of elementary school and the start of middle school, that began to change. I started to get very angry, lashing out at classmates, teachers, and my mother. My anger was so bad that it almost got me arrested at least once. While I'm much better at controlling my emotions than I was ten years ago, I still find myself going into blind rages, screaming at people, and getting violent and belligerent, and it has cost me at least three jobs as of now. I think it has a lot to do with past traumas. Whenever I'm angry, I think back to all the times my mother verbally and physically abused me, how my father was never there for me as a child, all the people who mocked me for my weight, and all the friends, colleagues, and co-workers who tossed me aside. I've tried therapy, exercise, and drugs (some prescription, some not) but nothing seems to work. Is it just my fate to be a bitter, miserable, and angry person? What should I do? What can I do?

 

[jsilver256]

Anger is often considered a secondary emotion - an emotion which protects the primary emotion.

For instance, I used to get angry at my husband a lot over small things. It was actually masking my cognitive flaws, my literal inability to make sense of his requests without being overwhelmed. The things that I used to get angry over, I now allow myself to absorb and allow myself to be confused and overwhelmed, even if it means being embarrassed in revealing my deficits.

Do you understand why you're angry?

 

[Outdated]

Anger management issues are not a part of autism, they are a separate issue. I don't know what country you're in but in Australia there's many specialist centres that concentrate on anger management.

Here it's compulsory for anyone convicted of domestic violence offences to attend an anger management course, and all of our major league sports teams will send players on this course too. I've heard they're quite effective.

 

[theeviloneisyou]

Anger is often considered a secondary emotion - an emotion which protects the primary emotion.

For instance, I used to get angry at my husband a lot over small things. It was actually masking my cognitive flaws, my literal inability to make sense of his requests without being overwhelmed. The things that I used to get angry over, I now allow myself to absorb and allow myself to be confused and overwhelmed, even if it means being embarrassed in revealing my deficits.

Do you understand why you're angry?

I believe my anger is a mask for sadness. Sadness over past traumas and disappointments and sadness over how people have treated me.

 

[theeviloneisyou]

Anger management issues are not a part of autism, they are a separate issue. I don't know what country you're in but in Australia there's many specialist centres that concentrate on anger management.

Here it's compulsory for anyone convicted of domestic violence offences to attend an anger management course, and all of our major league sports teams will send players on this course too. I've heard they're quite effective.

Are you sure anger isn’t an autism issue? I’ve seen several sources that say it is

 

[Outdated]

Are you sure anger isn’t an autism issue? I’ve seen several sources that say it is

I know a lot of autistic people, and even work with a few. None of them have anger management issues.

Don't get me wrong, I have a temper as hot as any and there's been a few people over the years that have backed down from me very quickly, but I have no problem with self control. If I publicly display my bad temper it is by choice.

 

[thejuice]

People have said to me "you used to be happy". That was when I was drinking though. My personal opinion is that drinking when suffering with depression is going to make life a struggle. I'm not sure how I am now, I'm quite numb. It's been a few years since my last rage. I think I still have an image of being less than sunny. I try to make an effort but I don't have a poker face. I have had occasional angry meltdowns over my lifetime but the cost is too high in relationships and potentially my freedom. I can't go around scaring people. Basically it was co-operate with the help on offer, get a handle on my character flaws or face punishment and isolation. Life is hard but it costs nothing to look more on the bright side!

 

[thejuice]

I believe my anger is a mask for sadness. Sadness over past traumas and disappointments and sadness over how people have treated me.

That sounds plausible. I've also heard people say that anger was masking the scared inner child inside

 

[jsilver256]

I believe my anger is a mask for sadness. Sadness over past traumas and disappointments and sadness over how people have treated me.

That could be part of it, but what exactly about these incidents trigger the feelings of sadness?

You mentioned having anger issues at work. What about work is bringing up "past traumas and disappointments?"

 

[thejuice]

Are you sure anger isn’t an autism issue? I’ve seen several sources that say it is

Complications from autism could perhaps cause someone to have an angry reaction under stress? I can only speak from my experience, as people with autism vary as much as NTs do. It's definitely not part of any diagnostic criteria.

I would say your anger comes from trauma, there's a tender part of you that's sliced open, in amongst the whirlwind of rage.

What are the sources btw?

 

[Au Naturel]

Whenever I'm angry, I think back to all the times my mother verbally and physically abused me, how my father was never there for me as a child, all the people who mocked me for my weight, and all the friends, colleagues, and co-workers who tossed me aside.

Have you considered not thinking back to those times?

Many people, autistic and not, have experienced all those things and don't fly off the handle. However, there's something specific to you that's causing the rage. Maybe you are genetically predisposed to it—or maybe flying off into a rage feels good at some point in the process.

I experienced all those things you mentioned, and it manifested in me as depression. It wasn't until I was long and far from home and away from those influences that I got a handle on it. Another person might feel it as anxiety. Many people would shrug it off as water under the bridge and move on. That's what I eventually learned to do.

Since it started at a point somewhere around the beginning of middle school, I suspect something happened in late pre-puberty. Many emotional disorders have their origin when seemingly well-adjusted children hit puberty. You say you "tried" therapy, exercise, and drugs. What drugs did they prescribe? Why did you leave therapy if the problem is not resolved? What did they diagnose? Did you see an anger management specialist? Exercise works for occasional anger, not rage. Rage is an entirely different creature.

This sounds a lot like Intermittent Explosive Disorder, but you'd need to see the proper specialist for a diagnosis. I am not a proper specialist or even an improper one.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intermittent_explosive_disorder

 

[thejuice]

@Au Naturel With my anger it didn't feel like it was a choice, my nervous system gets amped up way beyond what's appropriate and proportional to the situation. I felt like a passenger in.a train wreck. It was a shameful thing. It's only from experience that I've learned the signs and symptoms of my explosive anger and to exit the situation pronto to somewhere I can decompress. I've also learnt not to trust my emotions and have become less reactive, although I still slip up. If I do act out a little, I can disengage any narrative in my head and just concentrate on calming the physical symptoms which will then usually resolve the head that's like a washing machine.

 

[Au Naturel]

@Au Naturel With my anger it didn't feel like it was a choice, I felt like a passenger in.a train wreck. It's only from experience that I've learned the signs and symptoms of my explosive anger and to exit the situation pronto to somewhere I can decompress. I've also learnt not to trust my emotions and have become less reactive. If I do act out a little, I can disengage any narrative in my head and just concentrate on calming the physical symptoms which will then usually resolve the head that's like a washing machine.

And that's how you deal with it.

From the Wiki article: Therapy aids in helping the patient recognize the impulses in hopes of achieving a level of awareness and control of the outbursts, along with treating the emotional stress that accompanies these episodes.

If you pay attention to yourself, you can feel it coming on and short-circuit it. Most people don't realize they can identify the precursors. Anger is to rage as fear is to panic. One is a normal reaction, but the other is a limbic system storm drenching the body on adrenaline, cortisol, and other fight/flight chemistry.

The couple of times I've had a genuine anxiety attack, it was a mental shock that created a physical response, which fed back into the mental side, which fed into the physical side, rinse and repeat until exhausted. I also discovered that having had one anxiety attack made the next one easier to start up. Once it got started, the only way to break the cycle was Valium. Both times the mental shock was based on invalid information.

 

[Aspychata]

I skip the anger and go right to being depressed. Plus if you think about it, anger never solves or changes anything, so why give into it. I can say that may have upset me, now l am sad that upset me. Now l don't really get angry, more sad at things that seem stuck. So then you need to be really in touch with how you feel especially if you start to trigger. But being really upset never changes anything, unless you chose to think about a way to solve your issue, in a sensible, law-abiding way. I have dealt with some very serious issues, and realized l came up with ways to deal with it. Very innovative ways.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I can't speak to the influence your history has on these emotions. But, speaking from my experience, I think a lot of anger comes from sensory issues. The pain from noise, light, etc., is punishing, and can easily put someone on edge all the time. It might be worth noting how much overstimulation you're dealing with and if anger seems to come up as you deal with these issues.

 

[Crossbreed]

Some churches are better than others at dealing with anger issues.

 

[Rodafina]

Is it just my fate to be a bitter, miserable, and angry person?

No way! There is always hope for change especially when it comes to emotions that we are struggling with. Learning more will help, I think.

I think it has a lot to do with past traumas...

I believe my anger is a mask for sadness.

Sounds like you are understanding your anger and seeking to figure it out even further. I think this is your answer - understanding it can help you make a plan for what to do about it.

I thought this document was interesting:

https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/understanding_anger_0.pdf
Some key points:

Tools to Increase Our Resilience to Anger
It is helpful to think of anger management as a tool kit with different tools to be selected to deal with different situations. The same way that we would use a hammer for a nail to hang a picture on the wall and not a wrench, and conversely a wrench for opening a pipe rather than a hammer, we need to pick and choose our anger tools to fit the situation at hand. The first step in developing this skill is by acquiring as many tools as possible. This often requires our stepping outside of our comfort zone and practicing new behaviors and new ways of thinking. The second step is choosing the most effective tool in our kit for a particular situation or challenge. And remember, not all tools work for everybody or all of the time.

So, even though you have tried several things, you may need to try some of them again and apply them in different ways. There is likely not just one thing you can do to change your problem with anger.

Some helpful tools:
• Effective stress reduction and stress management
• Focusing on the areas in which one has control
• Standing up for oneself in a firm, but respectful way
• Setting appropriate limits and boundaries
• Knowing when to let go
• Confronting when appropriate and safe
• Avoiding when appropriate
• Humor
• Physical Exercise
• Increasing life mastery and satisfaction
• Building on one's strengths to address life challenges
• Realistic expectations of ourselves and others
• Emotional and psychological healing
• Exploring different perspectives as opposed to "tunnel vision" or rigid thinking
• Not personalizing situations and adopting a problem-solving stance instead

Also, there's this, which sounds related to how you revisit thoughts and feelings from your childhood:

Displaced Anger

In some instances, chronic anger covers over other emotions that are less tolerable to a particular individual such as fear, sadness, helplessness, despair. Conversely, when the experience of anger doesn't feel tolerable it may be covered over by other more tolerable emotions or mind states such as chronic fatigue, rationalization, blame, cynicism, sadness, or helplessness.

Anger may also be an expression of other psychological conditions such as depression (especially in men), or unresolved trauma. It may also be the result of other physiological conditions like substance abuse or injury to the brain.

 

[vergil96]

and the start of middle school, that began to change

Hormones? When I was younger, I exhibited road rage and got into fights at school. Similarly when getting my hormones fixed, for a few months, I would go full nuclear and furious from completely calm in a few seconds. It was something transient related to hormones for me. I became baseline angry during puberty too. So to wrap it up, hormones are a part of your temperament and make you more prone to certain moods than others.

I think it has a lot to do with past traumas. Whenever I'm angry, I think back to all the times my mother verbally and physically abused me, how my father was never there for me as a child, all the people who mocked me for my weight, and all the friends, colleagues, and co-workers who tossed me aside.

It seems like it very likely is the trauma from what you describe, or it is a component. Have you done therapy specifically around this issue and the thoughts that accompany the anger? It seem like it could be helpful.

 

[marc_101]

@theeviloneisyou

Sorry you feel angered. Finding causes is not as helpful sometimes. What solutions do you think would work? Do you have support? Can you talk to a therapist about your anger? If not, can you write down your feelings to try to clarify them?

We like to find causes to everything, and sometimes "the cause" even if there is really no single cause. Also, "anger" is a label, but many times it's hard to distinguish anger from depression, frustration, a sense of uneasiness, anxiety. At least for me, I can't often make the distinction.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I think it has a lot to do with past traumas.

I think the same as you do. Autism is related with black and white thinking and black and white feeling. So if an autist person experience a feeling it can be more intense than what is normal. It usually last less time too. You was correct at this too. But autists tend to be more deffensive than agressive, out brains are wired more like prey than predator, acording to Temple Granding.

Is it just my fate to be a bitter, miserable, and angry person?

Autist people do have way more suicide rates than normal people and also feel more lonely. I would not say that its your fate, but there is some truth in what you say. I see it like we are on a greasy slope towards dissaster. In order to just stay in the same place we need to put efford and do stuff, while normal people seem to just flow with te current of life.

But playing life in hard mode does not mean that you cant win the game. It will just take more dedication.

What should I do? What can I do?

Thats a very difficult question. Some angry people want revenge. Others want to be accepted. Others want their agressors to say that they are sorry or to accept their crimes. Some want to hurt themselves...

What does your anger want?

On the other hand, other parts of angered people may want to be happy and just go on with their lives, than could be understood by the angered part as cowardy.

Its a very complex topic. Therapy with a trauma and autism expert is advised, but wont be cheap or easy.

Good luck in your way.