Autism and crushes/dating

[mysterionz]

I know that a large part of the neurodivergent community identifies as LGBTQA+, I am one of them. There are some on the forum that identify as such too, and that’s OK. Is it normal for some autistic people to identify somewhere on the asexual/aromantic/aroace spectrum or as demisexual? I feel like I may identify somewhere on there as my friend made a comment saying that I “don’t talk a lot on my crushes/about romantic stuff a lot.” It was in regard to me having a crush on her brother. I also have a crush on said friend (female) but she already has a boyfriend and has a crush on another guy.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

You ask a good question. Is it possible they are also putting their standards on you? Is this an NT friend? I rarely talked about crushes or attractions, either, but felt them intensely. My parents used to think I was gay because I never approached or talked about women, in my early teens. But, that was just differences in communication, not lack of attraction.

 

[mysterionz]

You ask a good question. Is it possible they are also putting their standards on you? Is this an NT friend? I rarely talked about crushes or attractions, either, but felt them intensely. My parents used to think I was gay because I never approached or talked about women, in my early teens. But, that was just differences in communication, not lack of attraction.

NT but suspected she could be on the spectrum

 

[AutistAcolyte]

i'll start by saying that i haven't dated anyone, so in practice i don't know how i feel about romance, and can only guess.

i'm a man, typically i am attracted to women, though i do sometimes find men attractive, but i dont think about men in the same way i do women.

i typically don't tell people if i have a crush. i think its because in the past that sets me up to be disappointed when it doesnt work out. the women i've had a crush on and told them all either didnt feel the same way, didnt tell me they feel the same way (from my perspective the outcome is the same) or they were already dating someone else. in my mind, a crush is just me noticing someone is attractive, but doesn't necessarily mean i want to be in a relationship. i don't know what that entails!

additionally, i value my virginity as a kind of simplicity that allows me to serve my community without needing to worry about the needs of a partner i've committed myself to.

i do often feel conflicted though. it seems like the people in my life who are dating or married appear generally happy with having a spouse/significant other, even if it is difficult sometimes. it's an experience i havent had, and it can sometimes make me feel unloved or unattractive.

sex, dating, and love are kind of confusing for me, and while it can be disappointing to feel like i'm missing out on some universal experience, i think i appreciate the freedom that comes with not making that promise.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Is it normal for some autistic people to identify somewhere on the asexual/aromantic/aroace spectrum or as demisexual?

Yes. For at least 2 reasons.

A) Autistic people are not so influenced by society as NT people. So society heterosexual influence does not affect them so much.

B) Neuro divergent people do diverge from the norm. Sexuality is a field where we diverge too. Not all of us, but many of us. As we diverge naturally.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I know that a large part of the neurodivergent community identifies as LGBTQA+, I am one of them. There are some on the forum that identify as such too, and that’s OK. Is it normal for some autistic people to identify somewhere on the asexual/aromantic/aroace spectrum or as demisexual? I feel like I may identify somewhere on there as my friend made a comment saying that I “don’t talk a lot on my crushes/about romantic stuff a lot.” It was in regard to me having a crush on her brother. I also have a crush on said friend (female) but she already has a boyfriend and has a crush on another guy.

It totally is okay, I have a friend who has trouble with their identity and is AuDHD Me? I'm Biromantic Asexual. I can relate to you having a crush on a girl, I have talked about my experiences with that on this forum before. There's much better fish in the sea :3!

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

Yes. For at least 2 reasons.

A) Autistic people are not so influenced by society as NT people. So society heterosexual influence does not affect them so much.

B) Neuro divergent people do diverge from the norm. Sexuality is a field where we diverge too. Not all of us, but many of us. As we diverge naturally.

Facts c:

 

[Mr. Stevens]

i do often feel conflicted though. it seems like the people in my life who are dating or married appear generally happy with having a spouse/significant other, even if it is difficult sometimes. it's an experience i havent had, and it can sometimes make me feel unloved or unattractive.

I've often felt this way, too. But, I think many are unfulfilled and resentful, whether from choosing poorly or just having poor expectations. Or both, or some other reason. I work in a female-dominated field, and hearing them talk about their spouses--or complain about "man brain"--makes me happy to be single. I'm not saying all or most women are like this. Or that men don't do the same. Just that few married people seem truly happy about it. I think most convince themselves they're happy, when they're too afraid to do something else. Or examine themselves.

Nietzsche said we have convinced ourselves fleeting passion can last forever, through marriage. For most people, I think that's true. If there are exceptions, they seem very, very rare.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

You ask a good question. Is it possible they are also putting their standards on you? Is this an NT friend? I rarely talked about crushes or attractions, either, but felt them intensely. My parents used to think I was gay because I never approached or talked about women, in my early teens. But, that was just differences in communication, not lack of attraction.

Interesting; I was the same way--mostly because how relationships worked was never talked about, and I was also relentlessly teased to hell and back. My mom often berated me for never having friends, despite being oblivious to the fact that stringent expectations didn't really allow me to have friends.

And romantic relationships...I had no one to talk to about how they worked, other than my therapist. :/ Now look at me--my longest relationship, who wants absolutely nothing to do with my parents. The joke's on them.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

i'll start by saying that i haven't dated anyone, so in practice i don't know how i feel about romance, and can only guess.

i'm a man, typically i am attracted to women, though i do sometimes find men attractive, but i dont think about men in the same way i do women.

i typically don't tell people if i have a crush. i think its because in the past that sets me up to be disappointed when it doesnt work out. the women i've had a crush on and told them all either didnt feel the same way, didnt tell me they feel the same way (from my perspective the outcome is the same) or they were already dating someone else. in my mind, a crush is just me noticing someone is attractive, but doesn't necessarily mean i want to be in a relationship. i don't know what that entails!

additionally, i value my virginity as a kind of simplicity that allows me to serve my community without needing to worry about the needs of a partner i've committed myself to.

i do often feel conflicted though. it seems like the people in my life who are dating or married appear generally happy with having a spouse/significant other, even if it is difficult sometimes. it's an experience i havent had, and it can sometimes make me feel unloved or unattractive.

sex, dating, and love are kind of confusing for me, and while it can be disappointing to feel like i'm missing out on some universal experience, i think i appreciate the freedom that comes with not making that promise.

wise words. I was the same way for a long time; it took many times for me to separate attraction from infatuation from love. I've had to learn a lot of lessons.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have had crushes before, especially as I went from being alone to feeling lonely. I learned to keep such feelings to myself because I was mocked by some so-called friends when the values and behaviors of my crushes meant more to me than appearance. The last crush I had had a lot to do with my starting to date for real at age 26. She was a kind, gentle animal caretaker at the research institute I worked at and I dearly wanted a relationship with her. She was discrete about any guys she was seeing. One day a lab tech that I did not particularly like, and who knew of my social difficulties, came up to me and said I should ask her out because she is a great lay and he had fun with her in bed. I was crestfallen knowing that she would have sex with that guy who had a reputation of using women. So, I just put her out of my mind. This convinced me to learn to appreciate myself as having the potential of being a good friend and lover towards women, and after a year of work and independence, I began dating.

A lasting regret that I have is recognizing that had I approached the woman for a date, we probably would have has a nice time together, even without giving any thought to sex