Autism and handling funerals when a family member passes

[AspiAngie]

I know I will have a funeral soon as my dear uncle passed away just yesterday evening/night. My mom and I were able to see him during the day, and she had a feeling this would be our last visit with him alive. He was so weak he could only grunt and could not even open his eyes. But he was aware so we prayed over him and talked to him and I got to hold his hand while I told him I love him. His only child, his adult daughter was there with her husband. Someone was watching the kids. My mom was there with me and so was his close friend who has been with him every single day to make sure all his needs were met.

But now that the funeral is coming up, I am nervous as I am awkward when it comes to how to act proper in emotional situations like this. I am not as emotional at others but still can cry once in awhile when something hits me suddenly while there so I will fit in that way but ... Talking to family members I have not seen for years or even decades ... will be hard for me.

Any .. umm.. advice? Any words of encouragement or stories of how you deal with others at times like this?

I welcome all posts and stories on this subject in this thread thank you.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I've been to a lot of funerals in the last few years aunt's, uncle's parent's friend's sibling. being an Aspie I do not grieve easily. Go to the visitation mingle. Share memories about the deceased. Partake in the religious aspect as much as you can.

 

[Richelle-H]

My condolences! I have lived long enough that I have seen many deaths in my family and have actually been very close, more than once, to my own death. I can't really offer any tricks. I was always very uncomfortable at funerals, especially having to attend them in a Catholic church. I allow myself to miss them (or hang back in the Apse), as I much prefer celebrating and remembering their life than mourning their death.

Although the reasons for its origins are no longer a concern, an Irish Wake is more to my liking, remembering the deceased and swapping stories over food and drink. Collective remembrance can lift everyone's spirits and the things you can find out about the deceased, of which you had no knowledge, can help ease whatever emotional pain you might feel.

You should just be yourself. Everyone deals with the passing of a loved one in their own way. You should not worry about how you present. I imagine that if anyone was asked, right before they died, what kind of funeral they would want they would say that they do not want one. I know I certainly do not, not that there is anyone still alive that is part of my extended family who would bother to show up if I did have one when I stay dead for good. There is no sadness in that, just fact.

Do not worry so much. Speak when spoken to and share if you are able. How you feel is how you feel and you need not make apologies for that. You might feel hollow inside, but that is okay! I have never grieved for anyone or understood the need for it. That is something that I have never resolved and I am at an age where I no longer need to.

I wish you the best at the upcoming services and all those that may come your way in the future, remembering them for who they were and what they meant to your own life.

 

[foliodoe]

I'm sorry for your loss. My grandfather passed away in April and we all went through something similar to what you're describing. For years of my life I was dreading his death because he's such an important figure in my life.

When he finally died and it was time for the funeral/burial, I was nervous but didn't want to shy away from it. The interesting thing about grief is that even neurotypical people are allowed to violate social norms in those situations. If you're grieving, pretty much anything you do or don't do is appropriate. Talking too much? It's okay. Not talking enough? That's fine too.

The best and most important thing you can do during this whole ordeal is allowing yourself to process and grieve in your own way. Be respectful of others, but be authentic. I don't know you personally, but I would urge you to stay present and not feel pressured to do or not do anything for anyone but yourself.

You have my sympathy and I hope you can find some meaning from the loss.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I'm literally about to go to her memorial in a few days :,) There's certain songs and pictures of my Mum that I can't stand for some reason....

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I know I will have a funeral soon as my dear uncle passed away just yesterday evening/night. My mom and I were able to see him during the day, and she had a feeling this would be our last visit with him alive. He was so weak he could only grunt and could not even open his eyes. But he was aware so we prayed over him and talked to him and I got to hold his hand while I told him I love him. His only child, his adult daughter was there with her husband. Someone was watching the kids. My mom was there with me and so was his close friend who has been with him every single day to make sure all his needs were met.

But now that the funeral is coming up, I am nervous as I am awkward when it comes to how to act proper in emotional situations like this. I am not as emotional at others but still can cry once in awhile when something hits me suddenly while there so I will fit in that way but ... Talking to family members I have not seen for years or even decades ... will be hard for me.

Any .. umm.. advice? Any words of encouragement or stories of how you deal with others at times like this?

I welcome all posts and stories on this subject in this thread thank you.

I also struggled with talking when I was literally in front of my Grandads' dead body... Like how was I supposed to react???? I totally get how you feel. Be calm, cry if you need too, and it's likely that if you just feel what you need to feel and talk about it, and make sure you're supported, you'll be okay.

Unfortunately I've had a few outbursts and angsty moments because I'm still a teen, but I'm coping pretty good... Two Grandparents died in the past few years and Mum passed recently. I mourn for your uncle <3

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I'm sorry for your loss. My grandfather passed away in April and we all went through something similar to what you're describing. For years of my life I was dreading his death because he's such an important figure in my life.

When he finally died and it was time for the funeral/burial, I was nervous but didn't want to shy away from it. The interesting thing about grief is that even neurotypical people are allowed to violate social norms in those situations. If you're grieving, pretty much anything you do or don't do is appropriate. Talking too much? It's okay. Not talking enough? That's fine too.

The best and most important thing you can do during this whole ordeal is allowing yourself to process and grieve in your own way. Be respectful of others, but be authentic. I don't know you personally, but I would urge you to stay present and not feel pressured to do or not do anything for anyone but yourself.

You have my sympathy and I hope you can find some meaning from the loss.

I'm already a quiet person so I've become even more quiet lately due to being sad most of the time and wanting to cry, so yeah ;<

If anything, maybe grief gets us to be and appear more authentic? Being crying can be the best way to show what's inside. Nice words man.

 

[Progster]

I went to a funeral recently. It was an Orthodox Christian funeral, and they have an open coffin so people can say goodbye to the person. I can't cope with that. In fact, I couldn't cope with being in the church, so I stayed outside. But it was ok. Nobody said, why aren't you in the church? Nobody tried to tell me what to do. Nobody commented on why I wasn't showing any outward signs of grief. Different countries have different cultural norms, but grief is something universal to all human beings and everybody processes it in their own way. It's ok.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

I went to a funeral recently. It was an Orthodox Christian funeral, and they have an open coffin so people can say goodbye to the person. I can't cope with that. In fact, I couldn't cope with being in the church, so I stayed outside. But it was ok. Nobody said, why aren't you in the church? Nobody tried to tell me what to do. Nobody commented on why I wasn't showing any outward signs of grief. Different countries have different cultural norms, but grief is something universal to all human beings and everybody processes it in their own way. It's ok.

Aww bro heck no I would so wanna get outta there
I'd be like, "Uhh, excuse me for a moment... *shaking* I'm gonna go to the toilet..." *crys outside for a few minutes*

 

[Bolletje]

I’m sorry for your loss.

I’m not someone that displays a lot of emotion publicly, other than happiness. But I’m very sensitive to the emotions of people around me. As a result, I cry at funerals. Intensely. Used to feel very ashamed at this, but it’s part of who I am.

My personal strategy: don’t wear mascara, pack a lot of tissues, and just let it go. If there’s one place you should be allowed to cry your eyes out, it’s a funeral.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I've been to several funerals. Each situation has been a bit different in terms of how to react. However, one thing I have noticed, and I don't know how to process it, is the fact that I will often sit and grieve for other's losses, during these funerals, not my own. I have alexithymia, or what appears to be so. I definitely feel "something", I just don't know what it is. I need some time to process what it was, sometimes days. I am quite adept at blocking or pushing down my feelings. It suits me well at work, when I am dealing with grieving parents or a life-threatening event at the bedside. I can keep my wits about me and focus on my training. However, for example, when my brother and father died, I grieved for others, and sort of felt nothing about my own loss. Interestingly, when my brother had his cancer, I lost about 15lbs of weight and literally had to stop competing in powerlifting in the several months prior to his death, because it affected me so much. I was there in the room as he was dying, and when he passed, his grieving wife was there, obviously distraught. She cried for hours. I cried because she was crying. It really confuses and bothers me that I sort of felt numb to my own loss. When my father died, I got a call on the way to work. My sister, very upset. I felt nothing and continued to work without a feeling in my body. After a few days, I called my mother, she was upset and I didn't know what to say, and then obviously I wasn't saying the right things or reacting appropriately, as she cut me off and hung up the phone. We never had a funeral for dad. I haven't seen my mother or my sisters.

I've been to funerals of others, again, during the eulogy, I will cry, but not for myself, always for others.

So, no advice here. Just my rather confusing experience. Perhaps, somewhere, down deep, I do feel these things very deeply and am too cowardly to deal with those feelings. Perhaps, I don't get close to people, in part, because I don't know how to deal with the eventual loss. I don't want to know if and when my family members, friends, and co-workers die. I really don't know what it is. I know it appears "dysfunctional" in my mind, but at this point in my life, I will take it as it is. I don't see myself going to therapy and changing my behaviors. People, in general, are a stressor in my life, even the people I rather enjoy being around. Small doses, at best. The last thing I want is to get close to someone. My wife is the one and only one I have been and will be close to.

 

[Wolfnox]

Speaking for me. I don’t go to funerals. I’m different than those who grieve. I fully believe due to my faith that I will again meet the person after death. Along with knowing that the deceased no longer suffers. As such because of my faith I approach it as a joyous occasion. Very much contradicting those who grieve. As such I stay away from funerals.
I’m Christian if anyone is curious.

 

[MarcusAuralius]

There's some lovely posts here and I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
Grief gets us all differently, at different times, and feels different for us all. Funerals are a great way to help the collective processing of grief and acceptance of passing (the book "Religion for Aethiests" explains the societal and psychological reasons for events like weddings, funerals).
The only help I can give is let yourself grieve however it feels, however it comes, whenever it comes. Acceptance of that will help you accept and move on.
Be prepared for it to come back to you in waves when you least expect it, and just roll with it.

Don't worry about what others think - people generally don't judge grieving. Let it go and you'll be ok.

Best of luck with it.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Most of my losses have been older relatives' nature taking it's course. my brother and best friend bothered me. I even gave a speech at my brother's celebration of life.

 

[Georgia Galaxy]

Speaking for me. I don’t go to funerals. I’m different than those who grieve. I fully believe due to my faith that I will again meet the person after death. Along with knowing that the deceased no longer suffers. As such because of my faith I approach it as a joyous occasion. Very much contradicting those who grieve. As such I stay away from funerals.
I’m Christian if anyone is curious.

Wow that's interesting, I kind of think that's cool ^^ I have some friends that are Christian as well. They probably think the same thing.

 

[Shevek]

I'm pretty sure that funerals are the most acceptable place for tears. Some people even hire professional, noisy mourners.

At another end of aspie life, they had a life celebration for my sister today, and wouln't even record it, let alone let me set up a Zoom link. I don't know if anybody except her husband knew she had a brother. She had never wanted to share the parental attention.