Autism and Love

[Sodaberry]

I have some questions, and am looking for some advice. I've recently met a wonderful guy who has high functioning autism, and I really think he's wonderful. We came to meet in a pretty round-a-bout way, and at the time I was in a committed relationship, but I knew he had feelings for me as we continued a friendly relationship for about a year. He started reaching out to me, in order to find a girlfriend who was very much like me, and with this, him and I got very close in our friendship... and as my relationship was under a lot of stress, he was there for me. After I called off my relationship, this guy and I started dating and he went on in length about how he felt that I was his soul-mate and I was perfect for him. He has a ton of quirks and his mood can be difficult to deal with, but I love him very much and would do anything to see him happy and make this work. However, twice now, his mood has done 180s, where he'll go from very loving and looking forward to the future, to cold, distant, and pushing me away. After the first time, I gave him space and we talked through the issues, he was overjoyed I was patient with him, and said it would never happen again, and to never let him go. But now it has happened again, and this time, he's saying he never wants a relationship, has grown extremely cold, and seems to have lost all interest. I want to figure out how to get him back to where he was, because he seems depressed... but he says he's just fine, and that he just realizes he's meant to be alone, and uses the term "broken" a lot. I realize completely that a relationship with him will take a lot of patience and effort, but I'm more than happy and willing to do so, but I need to figure out how to get him past these humps.

Is it possible to even do so? If so, how can I keep it from happening over and over again?

Thanks!

 

[Judge]

Sodaberry, you sound like an amazing woman. Your post kind of broke my heart, as I could have easily been the man you were talking about. I say this with such regret, as well. Unfortunately for me at the time, I had no idea that I was on the autistic spectrum. It was some 27 years later that I am only now beginning to understand what makes me tick, along with all the incredibly bad decisions I made towards those most precious to me.

I believe I can truly understand that dark place he may be from time-to-time. I think it's ultimately up to him to be able to see what an asset you are to his life, in good times as well as bad ones. He has to understand NOT to "burn those bridges", no matter what. I couldn't at the time. I didn't understand my problem. You both have the hindsight of knowing what drives his behavior.

He must learn to use it to his advantage. I have comorbid conditions of clinical depression and obsessive-compulsive disorder. While I cannot control all my negative traits, I have learned to back off from critical decisions when I know I'm in a severe depression. Especially anything related to social dynamics. It's not easy, but depending where you are on the spectrum probably reflects one's ability to self-police themselves.

I am old, alone and feel "broken". It's a place far more dark than anything he could ever imagine. If he really is like me, rest assured he does not want to end up where I am. I'm not even sure how I've managed to survive all these years alone. It's a prison you don't want to be sentenced to.

I'm afraid I'd have to say that it sounds most likely the ball will be in his court no matter how much you want to help him. It's still a relationship. In as much as you want to help, he still has to pull much of his own weight to make it work. Give him my hindsight. Let him see this post. It's too late for me, but not too late for him.