Autistic girl (twin) i like has blocked me

[OppositeSpeciifc218]

Hi, I’m not sure anything can be done to resolve this. It seems like a what is done is done situation. But just want someone to understand what I’m going through.

Basically I’m at Uni right now doing a masters. I met two twin girls on my course (diagnosed with autism but only 2 months ago) - and we spoke but only ordinary student to student speak. But seemed to be getting on well. Because my course is sociology and a particular topic came up I told them I had ADHD myself.



Couple months later (like November) they were helping me with directions and I was asking them about whether they socialised much. They said no, I explained I do not either. And the twin who I like said “well he can hang around with us can’t he?”. The other twin seemed apprehensive and the one I like said “Can’t he?!?!?’ after which the other reluctantly agreed.

I was busy for weeks and didn’t show up to elcturs but eventually the girl who I liked (and the only one who I messaged) said they were going to the library and asked if I’d like to join. We went and they said they both have Corhn’s disease and all the ways it impacted them. I was open about me having a mother with Huntington’s Disease (which I never am) because I wanted them to know that I understood how dififcult things can be.

For the next month me and the girl who I liked were talking everyday. I send a lot of detail but she was still asking me how things were going on days off and seemed very engaged.

One day in early December I met with both twins and went to the library to work. We had to go the same direction afterwards and to be honest I was very obviously trying to show my interest in the girl that I liked. It was raining and I carried the umbrella and walked with her. Eventually she (emabrassingly) took the umbrella back off me.



But she carried on speaking to me for like 2-3 weeks afterwards over message just the same as ever. She actually responded to my messages so fast that it made me think she might be interested.



After that we had two deadlines in January and Christmas period as well. After a month of talking to me daily she dropped off suddenly. Once we got back to Uni in Fbeuary she said she had had to go to hospital because of stress. I thought it was a cope out excuse but tbh I believe it now.

After that on a couple of occasions between March and April I messaged her to ask about where classes were, or to say that I was trying to get an extension on my deadline. She replied very shortly and then wouldn’t respond again. The one thing that stood out to me is that she would keep going back on watasapp and appearing online even though she never would otherwise. Like she could go over a month without accessing watsapp and then if I did message she would keep checking back and appearing online, even though not responding.

One day she was happy for us (me, her and her twin) to go and do Uni work at the library together and it seemed we had fun. I continued to give them space afterwards and to try not to put pressure on them by asking if they wanted to hangout.

Her and her sister both told me that they had just had been assessed for autism and diagnosed with it. I then started to think “well now it makes sense that both of them want to retreat after lessons and why they are the way they are”. I tried my best to make sure they knew that they’d done the right thing by having a diagnosis etc…



I myself have dyspraxia and ADHD so I can completely emphasise and wanted them both to know that they didn’t have anything to feel guilty off.

Now in the last couple of weeks since – I messaged the girl I liked and she didn’t respond. We met again at lectures and she seemed OK with my presence and asking me how stuff was. Then I messaged her again yesterday just to update her of how my PhD application was going.

She didn’t respond but kept going online on watsapp (remember she doesn’t go online and it seems ONLY ever goes online when I have messaged her). I assumed maybe she was struggling to process my response. Obviously I considered she may just not WANT to respond but to go online repeatedly to look at ht eother persons online status seemed like she was checking on me.



Now today she went online twice and it seems she has just blocked me completely. We only have 1 week of lectures left and I can only assume she’s now decided that now the end of the year is coming up that she doesn’t want to talk to me. We are once again in a situation where we have Uni deadlines within the next month.

With most girls without autism I would obviously assume they weren’t interested. But why did she keep going online to check on my last seen status? Why would she put so much effort into talking to me, opening up about being bullied, opening up about all kinds of things. Only to then block me. Did she see my last seen status herself and decide that I was checking too much and made her feel too obligated? IS it because of the pressure of uni deadlines? Is it because she just didn’t know how to go?

Like I could completely understand if someone’s not interested. What made it hurt more is I mentioned a couple of days ago that my aunt had died and that I wasn’t feeling the best. Both twins told me they had a appointment about their autism and I wished them luck.

I don’t know what more I could have done. As someone with their own neurodiversity I really wanted to make them feel comfortable. I wanted them to understand that it’s OK to feel the way they do. For me to then message, the one I’m interested in to check my last seen multiple times and then block. What made her feel the need to do that?

I really could have accepted just being friends. It’s not like this way all an immediate response to me displaying interest. She was fine talking to me after I did that. Now she’s cut me off completely.

I feel completely sad. I have other girls express interest in me (I’m not great looking but I’m somewhere just above average) but I want someone who understands my neurodiversity and background. I felt she would have been a great fit. After she stopped talking to me for so long I accepted that wouldn’t be the case. But I would have hopped that at the very least we could be friends.

I’m not the kind of guy who messes girls about. It takes a lot for me to like someone and I felt we had overlapping interests. She was opening up to me about all kinds of things and then she withdrew after checking my last seen status.

Now I feel like I am myself nueordiverse and have unique interests (sociology) that I like to see in others - and feel rejected by people who don't understand that side of myself. I then meet someone who is also neurodiverse, shares my interest, try to help them as best as I can and engage in conversation with them - all the while both opening up to each other about stuff.

Then I get blocked completely. I feeel like there's not even anywhee to go from here.

 

[Rodafina]

Now today she went online twice and it seems she has just blocked me completely.

You say it "seems" like she has blocked you, which suggests you don't know.

Why don't you just ask her what's going on? You could say something like this...

"Hey _________, I've really enjoyed getting to know you this year and it seemed like we were getting along well. It feels like you don't want to talk to me anymore and I'm feeling really confused and sad about that."

If you are indeed blocked completely without an explanation after talking since September/November, then consider that you are dealing with someone that you really don't want to bother with because that is very telling about how you would be treated as a friend or romantic partner.

Sorry you're feeling so badly. It can be really tough trying to make meaningful connections with people.

 

[OppositeSpeciifc218]

You say it "seems" like she has blocked you, which suggests you don't know.

Why don't you just ask her what's going on? You could say something like this...

"Hey _________, I've really enjoyed getting to know you this year and it seemed like we were getting along well. It feels like you don't want to talk to me anymore and I'm feeling really confused and sad about that."

If you are indeed blocked completely without an explanation after talking since September/November, then consider that you are dealing with someone that you really don't want to bother with because that is very telling about how you would be treated as a friend or romantic partner.

Sorry you're feeling so badly. It can be really tough trying to make meaningful connections with people.

Thank you for this. It means a lot just to no someone's read it. Not expecting any kind of help - cos no one can change the situation as it is.

In the end I sent her a message to ask whether I'd upset her and it did actually get delivered through Watsapp which means I'm not blocked. I think she just made it so I can't see her last seen or profile pic. I instantly deleted the message though cos I don't want to come across as desperate and needy as I actually am!

Once we went into the Christmas holiday's she stopped talking to me near chrismtas time. before that we were talking about all kinds of stuff. About the wrold, about us wanting to do PhD's and about struggling to fit in.

She was replying so fast and seemed enthuastic.

Once it got to December and she stopped replying I didn't push the issue anymore. I never sent more than what I had. I knew we both has assignments and that we might be stressed.

When We came back in Feb she said she'd been in hospital due to the stress she'd been under.

For me though it was really difficult trying to work out whether her and her twin sister wanted to speak to me or not. Neither her or her twin have any friends. They said their only friend is an old school freind they don't really speak to.

I did overhear her twin saying to her during a computer exercise "I don't know ask Craig - he's your boyfriend". The girl I like was angry with her twin and said "he is right there you know." but they didn't think I could hear!

They were often like running out the door so I wouldn't ask to hang around with them so I gave them space for weeks. Then one day they said we could work together. It was then that they were diagnosed with having autism. It is still a new diagnosis for them both. Like I said to them, I would be stressed if it was me.

I've been so confused because I don't know whether it's just she's not in the right headspace, whether her twin might be trying to make her feel silly for talking to me as much as she did cos she's scared I might get in the way with them, whether her autism just means she suddenly couldn't engage, whether I've said something that's upset them. Whether she was just being friendly and I made her feel uncomofrtable (though I would have thought she'd have distanced sooner).


Guess it doesn't matter. The end result is still the same. Being given the coldshoulder is never nice and I would always be hurt no matter who it is. But most of the time it's been with people who I didn't have much interest with, hadn't built any rapport with, or in situations where I know I've been at fault.

To find someone who's not only introverted but neurodiverse and interested in the things I am doesn't happen often. I pushed myself to be open more than I normally do. And I felt so optimstic at the start of the year. Now I just feel stupid and like even amongst those who should fit best I still don't.

 

[Hypnalis]

@OppositeSpeciifc218

TMI. Cut it back to 30 lines.

It's not worth the time to figure out what you said. "Stream of consciousness" writing has its place, but it also has some potentially serious problems. Your goal is to convey salient facts, not your thought processes, which are relevant, but a small part of the larger picture.

A question (optional of course): what is the likely topic of your PhD (and/or your main subject)?

Some possibly relevant facts for you:

* ASDs are all different - there are no simple rules that apply to all of us.
* We think a little differently to NTs - don't assume that your thoughts about cause and effect are always accurate.
* Twins interact in ways you can't understand or control. So you have two unpredictable factors, not one.
* For some ASDs it's very easy to ghost people, and very hard to reconnect.

 

[Raggamuffin]

If I remember rightly, being blocked on WhatsApp means you never see the person as online. And all future messages only have 1 tick under them, as opposed to 2 ticks.

Ed

 

[OppositeSpeciifc218]

@OppositeSpeciifc218

TMI. Cut it back to 30 lines.

It's not worth the time to figure out what you said. "Stream of consciousness" writing has its place, but it also has some potentially serious problems. Your goal is to convey salient facts, not your thought processes, which are relevant, but a small part of the larger picture.

A question (optional of course): what is the likely topic of your PhD (and/or your main subject)?

Some possibly relevant facts for you:

* ASDs are all different - there are no simple rules that apply to all of us.
* We think a little differently to NTs - don't assume that your thoughts about cause and effect are always accurate.
* Twins interact in ways you can't understand or control. So you have two unpredictable factors, not one.
* For some ASDs it's very easy to ghost people, and very hard to reconnect.

Sorry I do struggle to be concise.

I have heard her twin make teasing comemnts to her. The one I like is quieter. I do get the feeling if her twin put pressure on her, or bad mouthed me, then the one I like wouldn't want to go against it. Understandable tbh given they've known me no time. But I could be wrong and it migh just be what she wants completely.

I'm doing sociology and want to do my PhD on UK poverty in my local area

If I remember rightly, being blocked on WhatsApp means you never see the person as online. And all future messages only have 1 tick under them, as opposed to 2 ticks.

Ed

When I messaged it did come up with a second tick. She might have just removed her picture and changed her last seen so that I can't see it.

Feel a bit silly saying all this cos I know nothing can change it and that if she ever wants to talk again she will and if she won't she won't.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

If she hasn't blocked you, just tell her how you feel, without pressure, and see how she responds. It will probably remove a lot of anxiety for both of you. It's understandable to seek help here, but you're asking a bunch of people who can't possibly answer these questions. Go to the source. You will either realize it's not a relationship you want or both of you will use this to become closer.

You will also be dealing with the complicated dynamic with her sister, if anything does happen.

 

[OppositeSpeciifc218]

If she hasn't blocked you, just tell her how you feel, without pressure, and see how she responds. It will probably remove a lot of anxiety for both of you. It's understandable to seek help here, but you're asking a bunch of people who can't possibly answer these questions. Go to the source. You will either realize it's not a relationship you want or both of you will use this to become closer.

You will also be dealing with the complicated dynamic with her sister, if anything does happen.

I might do in a couple of weeks once our assignmets are out of the way. I've been up all night in tears and have 2 essays to do in 20 days. If I messaged her again and she ignored me I genuinely don't think I'd have the strength to finish them on time and I don't want to overwhlem her either.

 

[Seladon]

First rule of virtual communication: blockings are sacrosanct. It is not yours or mine to dispute them, only accept them.

First rule of sisterhood bonds: a sister's good opinion--if she's a good one --is sacrosanct. It is not yours or mine to dispute this, only accept it.

Credentials--I have a sister I'm close with, and have been online c.2000.

 

[OppositeSpeciifc218]

Sorry to add another comment but if anyone reads this - now I'm calmer I do realise I did actually miss out that after we were talking lots in January I did often hear them both talking about me as if I wasn't there.

Like I heard them say that im a liar and that I wouldn't be able to do a PhD because I hadn't applied yet.

When I told them the uni grades I got they assumed I couldnt possibly have gotten that and that surely my undegrad uni must have been easier than there's (They are both the same).


Pretty much every single week they were talking about me behind my back. eventually we went and worked at the library together but they did still gossip about me behind my back.

I really thought about going off at them about it but decided to rise above it and just act normal once they mentioned they might be autistic. But it was emabrasssing cos they were whsipering about me to one another even if I was set right next to them - or before I'd got out of the classroom.

It was also so hypocritical because when they went to Uni down south they both dropped out within a week because they are from Northern England and felt no one wanted to talk to them because of their accents. They both said they'd been bullied at Uni for being quiet. They both said that having Crohn's disease they always felt ill and struggled to fit in.

Then I opened up about lots of trauma I had - having met up with them purely out of their own invitation to begin with - and it's been attack after attack.

 

[Hypnalis]

@OppositeSpeciifc218

If you've been blocked, treat it as a "no means no" situation and let it go.
Always a good rule BTW - if someone chooses to break contact it's up to them to reconnect.

You may never know if this was a "you issue", and "her issue", a "twin issue" or something else altogether (one theoretical candidate: shame over criticizing you then dropping out).
"Letting it go" means that's of no importance. Don't try to figure it out.

I opened up about lots of trauma I had

Probably a mistake.

If someone asks you to "open up", they rarely mean you should choose what you share.
Think back to the last thing they shared with you (which may have been part of the same conversation), and share the same thing (but about you of course).

Last point - the kind of disrespect you describe is a clear negative signal. Even if it was a "twin thing", it's still bad behavior. If someone is romantically interested in you, they won't do that.

 

[Rodafina]

I really thought about going off at them about it but decided to rise above it and just act normal once they mentioned they might be autistic.

I would caution you against trying to accept things that are hurtful and unkind just because someone is autistic. You are welcome here at this site and if you stick around, you will find that there is consensus among us that being autistic is no free pass or good excuse for being a terrible human being. There are some behaviors that are unacceptable and not necessarily related to autism.

As you share more about the details of this situation, it starts to sound more like you may be better off putting your energy into healing your hurt and moving on. Healthy relationships (platonic or romantic) include honesty, clarity, and respect. These things seem to be missing from what you've described.

 

[OppositeSpeciifc218]

When she says she was "really clear" a few days ago I asked her if she had the diagnosis and she said yes.

Her sister said "yeah I don't have avoidant personality disorder"

I said "Wait... did that actually offend you guys?"

The sister replied " a little bit".

After that I appolgised and said I was just saying it as an alternative. After that I asked them how things were going and whether they'd get therapy.

To be honest it feels a bit of a cop out to me. It doesn't excuse talking behind my back for the months which preceded it.

I tried my absokoute best to help both those girls.

 

[thejuice]

Nothing this complicated is worth it.

 

[OppositeSpeciifc218]

Nothing this complicated is worth it.

Thank you my friend. It isn't at all. Do have to say to their benefit that both of them are newly diagnosed so I think they're just having a full meltdown