autistic, queer, software engineer, mom, wife

[MindCave]

I started wondering if I'm on the spectrum around age 40, and also discovered I am pansexual around the same time. I met and married a narcissist while I was very young and it prevented me from fully seeing and understanding myself for many years. Now I'm happily remarried, my wife is a special education teacher and she can identify all the signs that I'm autistic. She's the first person I've ever met who really understands me. I'm so grateful.

I'm a mom of an 8 month old and a (nearly) 18 year old. Although I don't consider myself a kid person, I love my kids. I've been a software engineer for the past 23 years and spent a number of years managing people. Looking back, most of my energy went into learning and applying masking skills. In a way, I'm proud of what I've accomplished, but also sad that it's taken every ounce of my energy to get where I am, to the point where I can't enjoy my family life or any of my own interests due to burnout from my job. My happy place is focusing on one problem that interests me until it's solved. But my workplace is a series of distractions and transitions, along with a confusing chess game involving people's hidden motivations, and people who say one thing and do another.

I do feel I've reached a breaking point, as the more I'm aware of how much the workplace was not designed for me, the less tolerance I seem to have for it. Every weekend, I want to escape into my mind cave and pretend I don't have a body. This is not possible with an infant. I would rather have more energy for my family and my own interests and spend less energy on work. The trouble is that all the problems at work involving people can be very confusing and my anxiety response is to hyperfocus on figuring out what my next move will be. I wish it would stop. It's so exhausting.

 

[Rodafina]

Welcome to the forum, @MindCave. I hope you can find some camaraderie and interesting conversations here. The exhaustion you talk about sounds very relatable and that's without an infant in the picture.

 

[tree]

 

[Xinyta]

Glad to have you with us, @MindCave

This world is difficult and masking does seem like the best idea at the time. And it can help in some ways. But in retrospect. It's the most damaging thing to do to yourself. As you've discovered.

It's almost a cruel irony to be born in a world not made for you. To feel trapped in a glass bubble. Seeing the world, but being unable to properly interact with anything in it.

But it's always good to note accomplishments, over the negatives. Though addressing negatives is part of healing. Coping with a NT world is going to be the hardest task of life. Over anything.

All you can ask to do for yourself in the end is to do your best and be happy with who you are. Faults and all.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome @MindCave.

BTW, I have been a programmer before I retired. What is the difference between a programmer and a software engineer...?

 

[MindCave]

Hello & welcome @MindCave.

BTW, I have been a programmer before I retired. What is the difference between a programmer and a software engineer...?

In my view, a programmer focuses on coding and developing specific features, whereas an engineer focuses at the system level - architecture, design, development, deployment, and even some aspects of operations.

 

[Crossbreed]

So, tactician vs. strategist, then...?

 

[AuAL]

@MindCave, just an idea - put a big box just inside your front door. When you get home from work, dump all your work stuff in it. All of it, the thoughts as well. Go inside and enjoy your family. I wish I’d had a box like this when I was still working. Maybe my family wishes I’d had one, too.