Becoming less desperate for companionship

[Incredible.Pie]

It's strange. But let me lay it out: I don't trust guys. I've had to many bad experiences with them to be able to open up to them at any level. I can't have any guy friends, so I try to talk to girls (at least to the very few I feel comfortable enough to talk to) and try to build up some sort of relationship with them.

Some of you might already see the problem. I'm a horribly lonely guy. I don't even know when to consider someone to be a friend. My problem is when I try to talk to these girls, I almost inevitably begin liking them too much. That includes more than just in real life, too. It's happened online. This really sucks because not only would it set me up for disaster no matter what way the relationship goes from then on, which means that'll wind up with no social connections all over again, but it sort of dooms me to be alone, which in turn would make me even more desperate. I really don't know how to break that cycle.

It really sucks because the one thing I want more than anything is the ability to be able to be completely open with someone whom I can trust, but I apparently can't seem to do that without forming too much of a bond with the person, which leads to a nasty case of unrequited love.

Does anyone else experience this? How would one stop themselves from getting tangled up into this?

 

[Sipe]

I used to be like you. But then one day, about a couple of years ago, I thought "This can`t continue anymore! I`m have to do something about this!" From then on I started to be more sociable little by little. Slowly but surely. Today I`m pretty shy guy but I`m doing much better now. I can for example chat with a girl who sits besides me in a classroom and we get along well. I will change buy only if I truly want it and believe in it. You won`t change if you don`t believe in it.

Practice a bit. Imagine yourself talking with someone calmly and happily. Start a conversation with a person sitting next to you. Have a little chit chat or small talk. Be friendly. Go out where people hang out and so on. If you do this you will change eventually. Or go to a therapist or a psychiatrist.

 

[xrobertxdavisx]

It's strange. But let me lay it out: I don't trust guys. I've had to many bad experiences with them to be able to open up to them at any level. I can't have any guy friends, so I try to talk to girls (at least to the very few I feel comfortable enough to talk to) and try to build up some sort of relationship with them.

Some of you might already see the problem. I'm a horribly lonely guy. I don't even know when to consider someone to be a friend. My problem is when I try to talk to these girls, I almost inevitably begin liking them too much. That includes more than just in real life, too. It's happened online. This really sucks because not only would it set me up for disaster no matter what way the relationship goes from then on, which means that'll wind up with no social connections all over again, but it sort of dooms me to be alone, which in turn would make me even more desperate. I really don't know how to break that cycle.

It really sucks because the one thing I want more than anything is the ability to be able to be completely open with someone whom I can trust, but I apparently can't seem to do that without forming too much of a bond with the person, which leads to a nasty case of unrequited love.

Does anyone else experience this? How would one stop themselves from getting tangled up into this?

I know exactly how you feel. Its ****. If you dont use dating sites please dont. I use dating sites and cause of this basicly I end up getting stood up on soooo many dates, thats if I actualy get replies.

also i have never been much of a fan of guys. I find it harder to trust and get on with guys well but when I be-friend a girl i normally fall madly in love or at least like her alot and ruin it all then end up back lonely with no friends.

 

[Krazie243]

What you need most is to socialize with same gender people. I have the same desire as you to socialize with women more than guys due to a natural attraction to them and due to the fact that friendships with guys will never progress into anything (because I don't want anything more than friends with a guy) so it just seems natural to target the opposite gender. But you will be surprised by the kind of friendship you can have with a guy that will accept anything you say. You can talk for hours and just let it all out and suddenly feel like someone understands you. With a couple guys like that behind you your confidence will go up and you can begin approaching women more effectively.

 

[krisi]

Hopefully this will be helpful. I do not mean this in a pessimistic way, but it has helped me deal with the relationships in my life, particularly those that have not ended up the way I would have liked. When I realized the following and came to accept it, it really helped me to cope with the fact that everything surrounding me seemed so unstable, like I couldn't get a good balance of attachment and distance. I was either smothering people or too aloof until I accepted this:

People are temporary. Friendships elationships are temporary.There is no permanency to other people.

Even a longstanding relationship is temporary in the fact that it changes. A friendship with someone in middle school will look different, after the two of you have graduated from high school/secondary school even if you continue in that friendship. A marriage will look different 5, 17, and 50 years into the marriage, and all three of those will look different from the relationship of the couple when they were newlyweds. Every single person is experiencing a different set of stimuli, and having different reactions to those stimuli, based upon previous stimuli, reactions, their personality, and their genetic makeup, and therefore, people change as time progresses. Sometimes those experiences bring people closer together, sometimes they tear them apart. What one person sees as a stimulating and fulfilling relationship, another may come to see as an annoyance. But I am rambling. No, not everyone will leave you, but many will. However, when one person leaves you, others come into your life, if you keep that door open.

So, what are the consequences of this? Eventually, you learn when you can trust someone and when you cannot. Even if that person is not permanent in your life, you may be able to trust them. If the person demonstrates a care for you as a person without the condition that you live up to their expectations of what it means to be "cool", "in," or "normal", then for the most part that is a person that you can trust. If the person demonstrates confidentiality and confides in you, then you are at a point in your relationship where it's appropriate to open up. I may be totally wrong, but these are my heurestics ("rules of thumb", "general guidelines"). When a person leaves your life, you trust that they will maintain that confidentiality. Most importantly, when a person leaves your life, it's okay to be sad, but it's more important to not shut out the others who are in your life.

Does that make sense? Is it even remotely helpful?

 

[Carl Carter]

I have the same problem with getting too attached to women. I find the only way to stop myself is to cut off all contact permanently. As for trust, I've never trusted anyone. Trust is like faith, based on an assumption/hope that what you believe is true, even though there's no possible way to verify it. People will always let you down one way or another, sooner or later.

Hm, aren't I a negative nelly?

 

[Krazie243]

Yes, you are a negative nelly, lol.

I've found far more good friends as a result of the opposite way of thinking. Very few people deserve trust, but if you don't give it to them you won't know if they deserved it or not. The bottom line is that everyone is looking out for #1. So just find the people that have similar goals as yourself and buddy with them. I'm completely honest with my friends, I've shared personal details to a ridiculous extent. Result? I have been able to obliterate my previous shyness tendencies regarding intimate topics and I can even talk to women. I am still working on speaking in public. But by simply being an open book I find that I find true people a lot more often. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing for them to steal. Additionally, you never know who just might become a great friend or helper. So if you reveal yourself to everyone, the ones that are right for you will reveal themselves to you.

 

[krisi]

Yes, you are a negative nelly, lol.

I've found far more good friends as a result of the opposite way of thinking. Very few people deserve trust, but if you don't give it to them you won't know if they deserved it or not. The bottom line is that everyone is looking out for #1. So just find the people that have similar goals as yourself and buddy with them. I'm completely honest with my friends, I've shared personal details to a ridiculous extent. Result? I have been able to obliterate my previous shyness tendencies regarding intimate topics and I can even talk to women. I am still working on speaking in public. But by simply being an open book I find that I find true people a lot more often. If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing for them to steal. Additionally, you never know who just might become a great friend or helper. So if you reveal yourself to everyone, the ones that are right for you will reveal themselves to you.

I agree with what you have stated so articulately here. Your last point is excellent--I've come to understand that the underlying commonality to all functional friendships is reciprocity--but it's important that the reciprocity doesn't become a "keeping score" kind of relationship ("well, I told you this, so you should tell me that". "I guess he told me this, so I should probably tell him about that"...etc).

I can really relate to kind of coming out of shyness into friendship, as well as still having difficulty speaking to a group. Speaking in front of my peers terrifies me.

 

[Krazie243]

Yeah I kinda have a bit of pressure on the idea of getting past the fear of public speaking - I intend to become a professor (either math or physics)

 

[Sean2222]

It's strange. But let me lay it out: I don't trust guys. I've had to many bad experiences with them to be able to open up to them at any level. I can't have any guy friends, so I try to talk to girls (at least to the very few I feel comfortable enough to talk to) and try to build up some sort of relationship with them.

Some of you might already see the problem. I'm a horribly lonely guy. I don't even know when to consider someone to be a friend. My problem is when I try to talk to these girls, I almost inevitably begin liking them too much. That includes more than just in real life, too. It's happened online. This really sucks because not only would it set me up for disaster no matter what way the relationship goes from then on, which means that'll wind up with no social connections all over again, but it sort of dooms me to be alone, which in turn would make me even more desperate. I really don't know how to break that cycle.

It really sucks because the one thing I want more than anything is the ability to be able to be completely open with someone whom I can trust, but I apparently can't seem to do that without forming too much of a bond with the person, which leads to a nasty case of unrequited love.

Does anyone else experience this? How would one stop themselves from getting tangled up into this?

Did you read my mind? you must have. Finally a post by a guy I can actually relate to. I just don't think I have it as bad as you because I keep things better under control. I know where my feelings are, why they are, and where they are going. I used to feel really strange being this way, but I know why and have embraced it all. You need to become more self-aware. When you have no other social reference point or connection besides one gender, which in this case is females for you and I then it makes things hard to separate and much easier to fall into what you are saying. Difference is I know what I am looking for out of them. And I use my differences to my advantage which is what you need to do eventually. Instead of seeing it as this situation where you are going to lose everyone because of your desperation, turn it into that you have something to offer that other guys don't. I know I'm different than 99% of them and I like it that way knowing that I can relate to and know females as well as I do. I wouldn't trade it for anything and I don't feel like I'm trapped in giving in to any temptation. Maybe it's because I don't value the physical or superficial like other guys do, but I know what's real to me and what's important. I know that I seek out emotional connections like others seek out sex. I'm more emotional than even many girls are. But that's me. You need to just get some more confidence I guess.

-sean-

 

[Priority]

That includes more than just in real life, too. It's happened online.

holy **** dude. i know this thread is old as hell, but i was looking online about some aspie-related things & i joined just to reply to this. this happens to me all the f***ing time!! then i end up scaring them off in one way or another & start the whole proces over again w/ someone else. it really sucks b/c then i get emotionally wrecked until i befriend some more peope (online) and then when there is something about them that is just like me or if we like the same ****, thne i go head over heels over some chick halfway across the world or whatever. f***ing aspergers always screwing with my social life lol what social life jk i do have some friends irl that are cool with me. i guess thats all i can ask for right? lol
anyways i dont have much to add other than that im surprised i found someone who does the same **** i do! :showoff:

 

[Suiseiseki]

holy **** dude. i know this thread is old as hell, but i was looking online about some aspie-related things & i joined just to reply to this. this happens to me all the f***ing time!! then i end up scaring them off in one way or another & start the whole proces over again w/ someone else. it really sucks b/c then i get emotionally wrecked until i befriend some more peope (online) and then when there is something about them that is just like me or if we like the same ****, thne i go head over heels over some chick halfway across the world or whatever. f***ing aspergers always screwing with my social life lol what social life jk i do have some friends irl that are cool with me. i guess thats all i can ask for right? lol
anyways i dont have much to add other than that im surprised i found someone who does the same **** i do! :showoff:

I just feel blind to things-I don't know if someone likes me or not, I don't like not knowing, being so blind
that and I've never felt strongly enough for someone to really want to take a risk and get hurt

 

[Priority]

I just feel blind to things-I don't know if someone likes me or not, I don't like not knowing, being so blind
that and I've never felt strongly enough for someone to really want to take a risk and get hurt

i know what you mean man. it sucks huh. and related to teh op, something i noticed is how this article explains so damn much its crazy lol. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parataxic_distortion