Becoming nonverbal

[UberScout]

I am absolutely sick to the point of no return with people not being able to understand or comprehend anything I say, no matter what it is and how clear as a damn crystal I am when I speak.

I have studied and spoken the King and Queen's English for 20 years upward and you'd think that some percentage of people who own a dictionary have seen some words I use in them at some point, not that I expect that specifically but since nobody cares who exists and why, that shouldn't be something i have to be prepared to expect, if it ever becomes an issue at all.

Just the other day we were at walmart and my mother got pulled aside because "some items in your cart were not rung up". I had been standing there THE whole time watching my mom scan every, single, thing we bought, and I know they can't tell me they don't have footage that proves otherwise because those self checkout terminals have cameras built into them that watch the customer as they're scanning, to make sure they dont stuff things, and I was in the shot of the camera the whole time watching my mother as she was scanning everything, so I was prepared to stand up as a witness.

After a whole bunch of stuff that happened before that really devastated me, including some particularly shaking news, and it damaging my psyche nearly beyond repair, seeing my mom get pulled aside by those security guards AS THEY WERE WAITING FOR US AT THE DOOR, was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I snapped. Long story short, I got us a free Uber home. (Read: VERY, VERY BAD panic attack.)

But it got me thinking and realizing, part of this happened because of miscommunication, which happens almost all the time between me and someone else, no matter what I say and how well I speak.


If I can't be understood regardless of the way I speak, no matter how simple I make it sound, there's no point in me speaking at all.
I either speak in numbers or not at all. (Read House Rules by Jodi Picoult if you're confused. It's about a man about my age with Autism who gets mistaken for a murderer after him peeking at a girl while she's showering startles her and causes her to fall and split her head open.)

 

[Aspychata]

Oh my. Not sure what to say. Sorry about your bad experience. I do try to stay away from Walmart for all types of reasons. Anyways, hope u feel better today.

 

[Moonhart44]

I hate speaking a lot. In retrospect, now knowing i have autism, I remember people literally rephrasing what i just said, and i'm getting pissed because to me, its exactly what i said. I hate repeating myself, and i hate when people dont get what i say. even the tone of my voice is warbly and hard to understand unto itself.

 

[UberScout]

It's just EVERYTHING I say. I try to explain the simple plot of a VERY simple show, like SpongeBob, which ANYBODY who has watched cartoons at some point should be able to grasp, and the other person just looks at me like I spoke Klingon while placing an order for a bowl of grass covered in concentrated corn syrup.

If you remember my reference to the House Rules book, there's a part during Jacob's prosecution (the autistic kid who is the indirect protagonist of the book, or at least the focus of its attention) where he is attacked by an inmate arguing over his rules for being in a cell with him, and while screaming to the guards for help, they mistake him for throwing a tantrum and the inmate trying to calm him down, and is sedated and thrown into an isolation cell.

This is where he mentions the Fibonacci sequence and how it has a near-universal use regarding the ability to arrange numbers in almost any pattern imaginable and somehow, the result of said arrangement will always have *some* kind of meaning; he analyzes this as "numbers are a universal language".

He states that the reason for being this way is:
"No matter what I say, no matter how clearly I say it, no one understands me. Despite my efforts to speak in a language every human has learned around me and can understand themselves, they refuse to perceive my speech as the same language. So now I must speak in numbers... speak always in numbers."

This is the one scene from the book that stood out the most to me and struck the loudest chord, because this is a problem i have faced my entire life, whereas Jacob is only just now having this problem and realizing it.

But in my case, I also realized that speaking in numbers would only further my being misunderstood, because numbers aren't words.

So, I decided that, as stated above, if ALL speech spoken by me is going to be misunderstood indiscriminately, by ALL human beings, then there is no point for me to speak at all, because

1. Lots of people including Maddog center their disciplining methods around making me be silent anyway

2. I'm always being told that nothing I say matters, my side of the story never matters etc.

So what the hell is the point, then?!

 

[Au Naturel]

I am absolutely sick to the point of no return with people not being able to understand or comprehend anything I say, no matter what it is and how clear as a damn crystal I am when I speak.

I have studied and spoken the King and Queen's English for 20 years upward and you'd think that some percentage of people who own a dictionary have seen some words I use in them at some point, not that I expect that specifically but since nobody cares who exists and why, that shouldn't be something i have to be prepared to expect, if it ever becomes an issue at all.

Just the other day we were at walmart and my mother got pulled aside because "some items in your cart were not rung up". I had been standing there THE whole time watching my mom scan every, single, thing we bought, and I know they can't tell me they don't have footage that proves otherwise because those self checkout terminals have cameras built into them that watch the customer as they're scanning, to make sure they dont stuff things, and I was in the shot of the camera the whole time watching my mother as she was scanning everything, so I was prepared to stand up as a witness.

After a whole bunch of stuff that happened before that really devastated me, including some particularly shaking news, and it damaging my psyche nearly beyond repair, seeing my mom get pulled aside by those security guards AS THEY WERE WAITING FOR US AT THE DOOR, was the straw that broke the camel's back, and I snapped. Long story short, I got us a free Uber home. (Read: VERY, VERY BAD panic attack.)

But it got me thinking and realizing, part of this happened because of miscommunication, which happens almost all the time between me and someone else, no matter what I say and how well I speak.


If I can't be understood regardless of the way I speak, no matter how simple I make it sound, there's no point in me speaking at all.
I either speak in numbers or not at all. (Read House Rules by Jodi Picoult if you're confused. It's about a man about my age with Autism who gets mistaken for a murderer after him peeking at a girl while she's showering startles her and causes her to fall and split her head open.)

Should be a simple fix. Compare the items in the cart with the receipt. And be on your way. Costco does this with every cart. You hand them your receipt, they look at it and your cart, and it is off to the parking lot. A long check might take 15 seconds.

I'm not sure how people "don't understand" what you are saying. You're writing is perfectly readable. It is possible they just aren't listening. Different issue entirely.

 

[Kalinychta]

Have you considered the possibility that you are not, in fact, speaking clearly? It may seem so to you, but if people misunderstand you on a regular basis then that may be something to think about. Autistic people are well-known for struggling with verbal communication. I write very well, but it’s so difficult for me to speak what I’m thinking in a clear way, and I know that sometimes I make no sense at all. I definitely don’t blame others for not understanding me. Maybe something similar is going on with you?

 

[UberScout]

It wouldnt do any good @Kalinychta because there are so many people that listen in different ways (read: they listen and process what you say in different ways) , and since theres no way to know who listens to people in what way, taking the chance would just be like rolling loaded dice.

So no more me talk.

 

[SDRSpark]

I feel your frustration...It doesn't happen all the time but there have definitely been instances where it seems like the other person just refuses to hear what I am actually saying because after multiple attempts to explain it, they are still missing the point and insisting on talking about something other than what I'm attempting to convey. I've gotten into actual arguments because of this and there are some people I just won't talk to about certain things anymore, because they seem to insist on hearing what they want to hear instead of what I actually said.

I suspect this is more of a "them" problem than a "me" problem though.

I hate speaking a lot. In retrospect, now knowing i have autism, I remember people literally rephrasing what i just said, and i'm getting pissed because to me, its exactly what i said. I hate repeating myself, and i hate when people dont get what i say. even the tone of my voice is warbly and hard to understand unto itself.

My mother used to do that. She would tell me I was wrong, then repeat exactly what I had just said in different words as a counter argument. It drove me nuts.

 

[UberScout]

You all say "maybe it's because not speaking clearly anyway"
So maybe simpler words make more sense. But only written. Not speaking still.

 

[Soleil]

Have you considered the possibility that you are not, in fact, speaking clearly? It may seem so to you, but if people misunderstand you on a regular basis then that may be something to think about.

This is one of the problems I have. I think I'm speaking perfectly clearly, but people just cannot understand me. The thing is, I have a speech impediment due to my having a small jaw, so while I think I'm speaking clearly, I actually sound kind of mumbled if I'm not careful. It's one of the reasons I hate talking sometimes, and really prefer texting or writing.

 

[UberScout]

No talk incorrect.
I know am speaking clear like other human.
I move mouth in word shapes.
Sometimes I stutter and have to correct words.
Still no work.
No point in speak at all.

 

[Kalinychta]

You all say "maybe it's because not speaking clearly anyway"
So maybe simpler words make more sense. But only written. Not speaking still.

Would you mind giving us a specific example about a time your words were misunderstood? We’ll be able to give you better feedback.

 

[Kalinychta]

Like for example, tell us what you said during the Walmart incident that was misunderstood by others (unless that was just an example of you noticing how misunderstandings in general can cause problems). Or give another example.

 

[UberScout]

Would you mind giving us a specific example about a time your words were misunderstood? We’ll be able to give you better feedback.

Context: I am at elementary school and someone had stolen my backpack. I was able to recover it but one thing I was carrying was a sports drink bottle filled with Powerade, which had been removed. I knew it was because the thief had stolen it too, so I chased them down the hall.

Teacher: Why were you chasing after him?
Me: He stole my backpack and it had all my stuff in it! Then when I got it back, my refillable sports drink bottle was gone.

Teacher, confused: ...."refillable sports drink bottle"? What is that?

Me, shocked and utterly pissed: ......Are you kidding me right now. You are a language arts teacher. Your job includes reading a dictionary, and you have no idea what I'm referring to.

Teacher: No

Me: REFILLABLE. SPORTS. DRINK. BOTTLE. I HAVE A REFILLABLE PLASTIC BOTTLE THAT PEOPLE DRINK FROM WHEN PLAYING SPORTS.
What part of this is not translating as English?! Refillable: I can fill it back up after I drink from it. Sports drink: You are supposed to fill it with drinks that give you electrolytes. Bottle: IT IS A BOTTLE-SHAPED CONTAINER.

Teacher: I'm writing you up for yelling.

(The next twenty minutes were extremely hazy as I came to my senses (still conscious) at the principal's office holding a foam apple as a stress ball and two other kids sitting across from me, one with a bruise on his face and the other massaging his hand.)

 

[UberScout]

Like for example, tell us what you said during the Walmart incident that was misunderstood by others (unless that was just an example of you noticing how misunderstandings in general can cause problems). Or give another example.

Okay so, during the Walmart incident, this is the night I decided to become nonverbal for one reason or another, but because there were authority figures involved, I didnt have a choice but to speak, but I still spoke in a very basic vocabulary.

(As my mother is pulled into the interrogation room, the assistant manager comes out, ready to speak in a calm tone.)

Asst. Manager: Everything okay?
Me, panicking: N-n-no!
Asst. Manager: Can you tell me what's wrong?
Me, trying to breathe: Just.... just...mom...didn't steal...I saw cart...didnt steal anything! Camera saw me, watching mother, everything in cart!

Asst. Manager: Look, all that happened was some things didnt get rung up.

Me: Mom DIDN'T STEAL!
Asst. Manager: Okay, I know, but listen, we know, but theres a certain way we have to deal with this. Nobody is saying your mother stole anything. We just didn't know what happened.

Me: Innocent... She has cancer! Cancer!
Asst. Manager: (he is pretty shocked) Ooh, ah...

(Two hours later (seriously), everyone leaves the interrogation room. All but two bags are still with my mother, and we all leave. I am in a shattered state of mind.)

 

[SDRSpark]

Okay so, during the Walmart incident, this is the night I decided to become nonverbal for one reason or another, but because there were authority figures involved, I didnt have a choice but to speak, but I still spoke in a very basic vocabulary.

(As my mother is pulled into the interrogation room, the assistant manager comes out, ready to speak in a calm tone.)

Asst. Manager: Everything okay?
Me, panicking: N-n-no!
Asst. Manager: Can you tell me what's wrong?
Me, trying to breathe: Just.... just...mom...didn't steal...I saw cart...didnt steal anything! Camera saw me, watching mother, everything in cart!

Asst. Manager: Look, all that happened was some things didnt get rung up.

Me: Mom DIDN'T STEAL!
Asst. Manager: Okay, I know, but listen, we know, but theres a certain way we have to deal with this. Nobody is saying your mother stole anything. We just didn't know what happened.

Me: Innocent... She has cancer! Cancer!
Asst. Manager: (he is pretty shocked) Ooh, ah...

(Two hours later (seriously), everyone leaves the interrogation room. All but two bags are still with my mother, and we all leave. I am in a shattered state of mind.)

First off, that sounds really terrible. (Two hours? Really?)

Secondly, the asst. manager was most likely telling the truth about there being a procedure that they were following (it's Walmart, they're known for this kind of insanity). It doesn't sound at all like they weren't listening to you, just like they were a) following procedure regardless of whether or not they believed you or b) didn't believe you.

 

[Streetwise]

Okay so, during the Walmart incident, this is the night I decided to become nonverbal for one reason or another, but because there were authority figures involved, I didnt have a choice but to speak, but I still spoke in a very basic vocabulary.

(As my mother is pulled into the interrogation room, the assistant manager comes out, ready to speak in a calm tone.)

Asst. Manager: Everything okay?
Me, panicking: N-n-no!
Asst. Manager: Can you tell me what's wrong?
Me, trying to breathe: Just.... just...mom...didn't steal...I saw cart...didnt steal anything! Camera saw me, watching mother, everything in cart!

Asst. Manager: Look, all that happened was some things didnt get rung up.

Me: Mom DIDN'T STEAL!
Asst. Manager: Okay, I know, but listen, we know, but theres a certain way we have to deal with this. Nobody is saying your mother stole anything. We just didn't know what happened.

Me: Innocent... She has cancer! Cancer!
Asst. Manager: (he is pretty shocked) Ooh, ah...

(Two hours later (seriously), everyone leaves the interrogation room. All but two bags are still with my mother, and we all leave. I am in a shattered state of mind.)

If it happens again access the record app on your cellphone .,click it to record, keep it !recording !also video !it that's what they are doing to you ,when you are on their premises .

 

[Streetwise]

No talk incorrect.
I know am speaking clear like other human.
I move mouth in word shapes.
Sometimes I stutter and have to correct words.
Still no work.
No point in speak at all.

Start learning ( do it in picture form much easier to remember)your rights !it will give you confidence !

 

[WildCat]

Your body language, like it or not, plays a large role in whether or not people listen to and engage with you. May be worth your time to start figuring it out if you want to see results.

 

[Kalinychta]

Okay so, during the Walmart incident, this is the night I decided to become nonverbal for one reason or another, but because there were authority figures involved, I didnt have a choice but to speak, but I still spoke in a very basic vocabulary.

(As my mother is pulled into the interrogation room, the assistant manager comes out, ready to speak in a calm tone.)

Asst. Manager: Everything okay?
Me, panicking: N-n-no!
Asst. Manager: Can you tell me what's wrong?
Me, trying to breathe: Just.... just...mom...didn't steal...I saw cart...didnt steal anything! Camera saw me, watching mother, everything in cart!

Asst. Manager: Look, all that happened was some things didnt get rung up.

Me: Mom DIDN'T STEAL!
Asst. Manager: Okay, I know, but listen, we know, but theres a certain way we have to deal with this. Nobody is saying your mother stole anything. We just didn't know what happened.

Me: Innocent... She has cancer! Cancer!
Asst. Manager: (he is pretty shocked) Ooh, ah...

(Two hours later (seriously), everyone leaves the interrogation room. All but two bags are still with my mother, and we all leave. I am in a shattered state of mind.)

It sounds to me like the manager understood you perfectly. You just freaked out because it was a stressful, frightening situation. But no one misunderstood you. More like the other way around. The manager was trying to explain the situation to you, but you were too upset to listen or grasp his words.

Re: the elementary school incident: “sports drink bottle” makes me think of an empty Gatorade bottle. Maybe your teacher was trying to ascertain if you were talking about garbage (an empty sports drink Gatorade bottle) or a bottle you bought to be used daily. Either way, for your own sanity and health I would suggest not completely flipping out like a crazy person every time someone asks you to clarify something you said. Especially with the Walmart incident. These things sometimes happen in life. No need to become apoplectic with rage. Don’t do that to yourself.