Been Mislabeled as "Selfish"?

[Galaxy Freeze]

Title says it all, have you ever been mislabeled or called a selfish person even though you know you aren't?

This has happened to me. My mom used to describe me as selfish before she knew about Asperger's. For example, watching my little cousin is a much harder task for me than she knows. (This is hard mainly because of my routine and sensory issues, cousin is extremely loud and asks too many questions) She always used to say to me after I told her how hard it is, "You know what, Teresa? I don't feel in the least bit sorry for you because when I was a little girl, I had three brothers and I had to watch the neighbors'/relatives' kids constantly, and I never complained!"

I didn't know what to say to that, I couldn't explain anything other than, "She's loud and annoying and won't leave me alone, and she wants me to play with her but I don't know how." (I was quite young at the time) It'd always end in her saying, "Well, figure something out and don't bug us about it!" (As if that'll help) And then I'd just walk away with a huge sigh, what could I have said? Know what I mean?

And we have been in many fierce fights (sometimes even physical) just because I can't pull myself from my routine in order to do a chore or something. I can't even begin to count how many of those fights we've had.

But when we found out about my Asperger's, all of that stopped. In my earlier years she thought I was a selfish kid, but now that she knows everything is just way harder for me than it is for her (she is neurotypical), she tries to help me as much as possible. I am thankful we found out about this because I don't know how much trouble I'd be getting in now just because I couldn't do normal, "easy" things. I think she feels a bit bad now, but it's all good (and I keep telling her that... It's simple, she just didn't know!). I found out the same time she did!

I know for sure I am not selfish. I am a very generous person, I usually put others above myself, and I am very aware I live an awesome life with a loving and supporting family. It was just harder for me to do "normal" things, like watching my cousin, without bringing up something along the lines of, "I can't do this." Being able to watch and play with kids... That's her. Not me. There's a fine line between being selfish, in my case, and simply not being capable of handling situations that are difficult for me because of the condition I did not choose to be born with, Asperger's.

Those were just some examples, hopefully you guys know what I'm talking about, if not, I'll try to explain better!

I know I have been very sad and cried many nights because of the false statements my mom made a long time ago, going by the solemn definition of "selfish."

So, has anyone called you selfish before and you knew you weren't? Did it hurt your feelings that they were misunderstanding you?

 

[Gomendosi]

I have been labeled as selfish before and it’s horrible to be made to feel that way, by my very nature I am a generous person and for someone to claim me the opposite is hurtful.
Selfishness is something that everyone does though, to varying degrees, let me explain; if you sleep in in the morning or if you have the last biscuit/ cookie without asking anyone if they want it or you take a shower and someone else needs to use the toilet (assuming they are the same room in your house) then you are probably being selfish in their opinion.

Unless you are one of these people that consider everybody else’s needs before themselves, think Buddhist monk.
Then it stands to reason that at some point someone took you to be selfish.

I try not to let it bother me anymore because some people just need to find something to complain about :lol:

It’s good though that your mum has taken a turn and is now supporting you, that’s awesome actually. When I told my mother after I found out, it didn’t change one thing but, we had had too many years of her thinking she had the worst son in the world and so an adult diagnosis of Aspergers couldn’t mend any fences.

 

[kg4fxg]

Its not uncommon, because you can read all the sign language and undertones you must be all wrapped up in yourself.

I am not a mind reader, I tell my wife spell it out, what do you want, I am glad to oblige, I just can't play guessing games, I don't read lips nor sign language. I just don't pick up of cues, and many NT's don't either. Give me a To Do list and I will do it.

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

Yeah, I see what you're saying. Still is quite frustrating though... I agree.

My mom is an open-minded person once she knows what's going on, if she doesn't know, she jumps to conclusions, but most of us do. That sucks about your mom and what it sounds like she thought of you. I kind of felt like that for a small part of my life, I became pretty depressed. Finding out what the problem was really relieved me. Too bad you didn't get diagnosed earlier!

 

[King_Oni]

Oh... about 8 months ago someone told me I was a selfish *insert insult* because I talked about myself all the time. She was quite right, but to be honest... I talk about me because that's the best frame of reference I have. If I use an example I will not use the "the brother-in-law of the previous wife of my dads uncle" (or any other distant relative) thing. If I have hands-on experience myself, I will use that first, if I have another example by anyone, yes I might throw that in for good measure, but I just cannot go with people always talking about others. And to be honest, that person rarely was about herself, she always was about "my mom/sister/brother/friend".

Also, I've had a therapist wanting to label me with a narcisistic personality disorder because of it. Funnily enough the therapist that diagnosed me thought it was total BS. She however stated, that to a lot of people I might come across as really, really weird and having a personality disorder... until you know me, and you'll see it's just part of how my personality is. The one that diagnosed me also thought it was because I didn't really care for people... well, to an extent I don't... and in some other way I do. But it's probably something that comes with being on the spectrum as well... sometimes it just doesn't occur to me that there's other people wanting to have a share, especially if I, in my mind already made up what I'm going to do in situation X (and adding a person in is a variable that I didn't plan on).

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

Oh yeah that is frustrating, happens with me too.

It's hard to simply talk about myself without feeling too arrogant, guess there's a fine line between being confident, referencing yourself, and just being an arrogant jerk.

It's hard to have things come out the way you want them too...

 

[King_Oni]

Oh yeah that is frustrating, happens with me too.

It's hard to simply talk about myself without feeling too arrogant, guess there's a fine line between being confident, referencing yourself, and just being an arrogant jerk.

It's hard to have things come out the way you want them too...

Being confident is one, but apparently that is being frowned upon if you talk to people who are insecure about themselves. That's annoying...

And it really makes me wonder it says more about me being confident, or more about that other person who is being insecure.

 

[alien girl]

my parents always said i was selfish and they would go on and on about it. we sat in a car, and my father said his friend is going to join us in the car, and he's worried there wouldnt be enough space, so i said, "how about he sits in the front, because he's kinda big, and if he sits in the back there wouldnt be space for everyone." so my father started going on and on endlessly about how selfish, thoughless and uncaring i am, and i'm only looking out for me so i'll have enough space, then, when he ended his lecture, he turned to my mother and said he thinks it's a good idea for his friend to sit in the front...
my parents hit the roof because i wouldnt play with other children or make friends, and they said it's because i can't care about anyone else, all i care about it myself, etc...
i even believed it myself till i found out i have asperger. someone at work told me, after i told her i dont want to get married or have kids, ever. so she said it's because i love myself too much.
but i see NTs who make friends and pretend to show so much concern for everyone else, and then they turn around and talk behind their "best friends" backs. that not to say all NTs do that, because they dont. i'm just saying just because someone has friends doesnt mean he honestly cares about them. maybe he just doesnt want to be lonely.
my parents have forced me to work for FREE on several occasions, while i was still living in their house. no, i dont mean house chores. everyone should do them. i mean working outside of the house, as a volunteer. paperwork in school and babysitting their friends kids etc.
i dont think i'm selfish. i babysitted my nieces every week for years, and i wasnt living at home anymore and my parents couldnt make me do it. i wanted to do it. but that's for my brother and his family. i dont like to work for strangers for free.

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

Aw, that's too bad. I know what you mean!

Yes, I do see very selfish neurotypicals sometimes, I've seen what they can do to each other behind their backs. I see your point about how some people have friends, but they only care about themselves being labeled as "lonely."

Yeah, I highly doubt you're a selfish person, you sure as heck do not sound like one! I can't even babysit! Let alone for strangers.

 

[alien girl]

Aw, that's too bad. I know what you mean!

Yes, I do see very selfish neurotypicals sometimes, I've seen what they can do to each other behind their backs. I see your point about how some people have friends, but they only care about themselves being labeled as "lonely."

Yeah, I highly doubt you're a selfish person, you sure as heck do not sound like one! I can't even babysit! Let alone for strangers.

thank you!

 

[Bay]

I have been called selfish and, like Gomendosi, find it deeply hurtful. I feel as though I spend my life trying to determine what other people want and how to make them happy (or at least determine how to keep them from disliking me). When someone tells me that my behavior is objectionable it always comes as a surprise and it is very painful.

Oddly, it seems as though the NTs most likely to call me selfish are, themselves, quite self-absorbed. Maybe that is the real issue. I am not as absorbed with them as they would like, making ME the selfish one.

 

[Galaxy Freeze]

Yes, it is quite hurtful. When that happens to me it makes me think I'm not good enough, even though I try to so hard. I've risked a lot of things for people, and I've been very generous. I find it very weird when someone calls me selfish.

That happens to me too, most of the NTs that call me that are selfish themselves, in my eyes at least.

 

[blur]

Your parents maybe just trying to COERCE u to conform with their own ways. I have these experiences.
Whether we are single,married or divorce million times.
What is so difficult about getting married? But dont forget many are divorcing too.
It is none of others business what is your marital status!
Can you disregard what they are trying to impose on you? JUST lead your life positively and healthily.
Haha, not as if you are planning to rely on them for old age.

Whenever i encounter such busybodies,
i just reply> I m too busy for your advice. Thanks.

Why do you care whether they hit the roof? DO they care whether you hit the roof?
Your father is just try to program you to his ways! Pls do not be deceive.

U should just concentrate on how to build up your life in the most positive ways!!!
Go and learn something new.
Take a course on grooming or something similar. I did alot of deportment courses when i was younger.
All these courses will help you to blend into the society.
Oh well, of course, deep inside you know that you are different.
Never mind, what is important is to lead a peaceful and positive life!


Forget about these so call family members.
They will probably just confuse and frustrate you more.

You must learn to be more positive. Convert your anger into positive energy.
Find out what you are good at and work on it. Dont waste your talents.

my parents always said i was selfish and they would go on and on about it. we sa t in a car, and my father said his friend is going to join us in the car, and he's worried there wouldnt be enough space, so i said, "how about he sits in the front, because he's kinda big, and if he sits in the back there wouldnt be space for everyone." so my father started going on and on endlessly about how selfish, thoughless and uncaring i am, and i'm only looking out for me so i'll have enough space, then, when he ended his lecture, he turned to my mother and said he thinks it's a good idea for his friend to sit in the front...
my parents hit the roof because i wouldnt play with other children or make friends, and they said it's because i can't care about anyone else, all i care about it myself, etc...
i even believed it myself till i found out i have asperger. someone at work told me, after i told her i dont want to get married or have kids, ever. so she said it's because i love myself too much.
but i see NTs who make friends and pretend to show so much concern for everyone else, and then they turn around and talk behind their "best friends" backs. that not to say all NTs do that, because they dont. i'm just saying just because someone has friends doesnt mean he honestly cares about them. maybe he just doesnt want to be lonely.
my parents have forced me to work for FREE on several occasions, while i was still living in their house. no, i dont mean house chores. everyone should do them. i mean working outside of the house, as a volunteer. paperwork in school and babysitting their friends kids etc.
i dont think i'm selfish. i babysitted my nieces every week for years, and i wasnt living at home anymore and my parents couldnt make me do it. i wanted to do it. but that's for my brother and his family. i dont like to work for strangers for free.

 

[alien girl]

Your parents maybe just trying to COERCE u to conform with their own ways. I have these experiences.
Whether we are single,married or divorce million times.
What is so difficult about getting married? But dont forget many are divorcing too.
It is none of others business what is your marital status!
Can you disregard what they are trying to impose on you? JUST lead your life positively and healthily.
Haha, not as if you are planning to rely on them for old age.

Whenever i encounter such busybodies,
i just reply> I m too busy for your advice. Thanks.

Why do you care whether they hit the roof? DO they care whether you hit the roof?
Your father is just try to program you to his ways! Pls do not be deceive.

U should just concentrate on how to build up your life in the most positive ways!!!
Go and learn something new.
Take a course on grooming or something similar. I did alot of deportment courses when i was younger.
All these courses will help you to blend into the society.
Oh well, of course, deep inside you know that you are different.
Never mind, what is important is to lead a peaceful and positive life!


Forget about these so call family members.
They will probably just confuse and frustrate you more.

You must learn to be more positive. Convert your anger into positive energy.
Find out what you are good at and work on it. Dont waste your talents.

thank you, blur. you're so right. i really dont intend to wast my talents. i'm writing a book, and i want to buy books about cell biology and study them and experiment on my own cells at home with a microscope. i did some searching on the internet about how cells age and how scientists slowed down the aging process with mice, etc.
not all my family is like that, only my parents. my brother and his family are very accepting and love me the way i am. they think i'm very unselfish.
good advice about ignoring busybodies and my parents. i really appreciate that. i find people on this forum to be very supportive of each other.

 

[earthsteward70]

I agree with Gomendosi... "I have been labeled as selfish before and it’s horrible to be made to feel that way, by my very nature I am a generous person and for someone to claim me the opposite is hurtful."
I think that we should be self-ish because it is our life after all. We aren't living someone else's life. It's about us, our world, our choices, and the first person in our lives is us. However, when I realized all this I kinda transcended myself and started thinking about others and wanting to help and love my fellow man. Since that day I am no longer some door mat, I take care of myself, then others.

 

[Arashi222]

Yah people call me selfish. Sometimes I don't know understand things which you guys all get that. I get upset and frustrated because I am a nice person and I do try to help others often. But it hurts....it really really hurts to be called selfish, or stupid (which I'm not). But I feel that way especially at work. Family has always been supportive (except for my father who left long ago. But his words about being stupid and self still stick). I always feel I have to prove myself. I like Bay said tend to try to make other people happy and try to keep them from disliking me and somehow I always end making them hate me... or at least it feels that way. Because they always call me selfish, and a drama Illama (gosh I can't seem to let that go).