Patsy
Member
Hi Everyone,
I'm not entirely sure how to begin this post, but I feel like my journey is just beginning. My entire life I have felt different and haven't really been able to pinpoint exactly why. I've struggled socially since I was a child, never sure how to interact with people in a "normal" way. Anxiety has been a constant companion, as well as nervous tics that make me extremely self-conscious and are difficult to suppress when I am in uncomfortable situations. When I was 16-17 I brought up to my mom how I thought I might have Tourette's because of these tics, which take the form of constant throat clearing, shoulder twitches, leg twitches, and random mumbled words. I saw a psychiatrist who proscribed Buspirone, but was never actually tested for Tourette's.
It was only during a short-lived marriage that I began to suspect there was more to me than simply tics and social anxiety. My ex-wife, who was frankly extremely rude about my strange behaviors, began to believe I might have autism. The way she told me this was in a deprecating way and I took it as another example of her being insulting to me, which is why I never sought help in counseling for the quirks and traits that irritated her. However, after we separated, I went into a spiral of alcohol abuse that climaxed in me finally deciding to better myself in many aspects of life. Out of curiosity, I began watching videos on autism and related conditions and I was blown away by how much the stories of Autistic people resonated with me.
I am hesitant to self-diagnose, maybe because I am afraid of people not believing me. But here are some examples of traits and behaviors of my own that line up with traits on the spectrum, as far as I understand it. Again, this is all fairly new to me. Socially, I have always struggled, like I said. I remember in school kids would constantly ask me "why are you so quiet" and "why don't you ever talk". I never really had an answer. Just introverted, I assumed. Making friends wasn't terribly difficult in school, but most of these people were what could be described as the "outcast" stereotype. Even with these awesome friends I struggled to find things to talk about. Small talk in general, as well, has been an awful, awful chore that I have never fully grasped. I always find myself wondering "how do people just drum up conversation out of nowhere?" It doesn't take much for me to be absolutely overwhelmed in social situations, and I remember grade school and college being completely draining. I look back on a lot of those memories with nothing but grief.
As for other behaviors, I definitely self-stimulate. I work at a factory job that is largely sedentary. The entire time I am there my leg is bouncing, as I really enjoy the feeling of it. I also drum and tap my fingers and toes all day, regardless of where I am. When I listen to music my big toe taps eighth notes spastically. When I am agitated, especially away from home, I have noticed I twist the skin of my arms with my hands over and over.
As for burnouts and shutdowns, I have experienced that quite a bit. At family get-togethers and other events I almost always start feeling like I am shutting down and grow much quieter than I would be, say, in a one on one conversation, which I don't have a whole lot of trouble with. Staying at my in-laws was hell, to be honest. I was so uncomfortable the entire time and would begin "spiraling" and get even quieter the more I thought about how quiet I was being. I liked her parents, but I could barely muster the energy to say anything around them. I remember when I was dating my first girlfriend right out of high school. We went to a wedding and I became so stressed about not knowing what to say to her parents and brother during the reception that I had to leave the building. I left, went down to a nearby beach, and just started crying. When my girlfriend found me, I just kept repeating how much I hate myself.
For some more background, there were some signs that something wasn't neurotypical about me as a child. Apparently, when I was in elementary school, my mom received a call from one of my teachers about behaviors that seemed strange to her during a school assembly. I guess I was doing wave motions with my arms while I was sitting in the bleachers, which strikes me now as a form of stimming. My mom took me to my doctor, who basically asked if I did well in school and if I had friends. She answered yes and he basically said I could see a therapist of some sort, but he didn't believe it was an issue. I was vehemently opposed to seeing a "shrink" and the issue was dropped. Also, at an even younger age, I was in a sort of "friendship" class that occurred during lunch time, trying to teach introverted kids how to socialize.
I don't want to ramble too long, but those are some of the traits and behaviors I have. I guess I'm just trying to get someone's thoughts on this, because my family and best friend don't seem like they want to talk about this. My parents keep coming up with reasons why I couldn't be on the spectrum (holding down a job, having girlfriends, acting "normal" around them, etc). Also, the language of this community is entirely new to me so I apologize if I used any terms that people might find offensive. I'm learning.
Thanks everybody and cheers,
Erik
I'm not entirely sure how to begin this post, but I feel like my journey is just beginning. My entire life I have felt different and haven't really been able to pinpoint exactly why. I've struggled socially since I was a child, never sure how to interact with people in a "normal" way. Anxiety has been a constant companion, as well as nervous tics that make me extremely self-conscious and are difficult to suppress when I am in uncomfortable situations. When I was 16-17 I brought up to my mom how I thought I might have Tourette's because of these tics, which take the form of constant throat clearing, shoulder twitches, leg twitches, and random mumbled words. I saw a psychiatrist who proscribed Buspirone, but was never actually tested for Tourette's.
It was only during a short-lived marriage that I began to suspect there was more to me than simply tics and social anxiety. My ex-wife, who was frankly extremely rude about my strange behaviors, began to believe I might have autism. The way she told me this was in a deprecating way and I took it as another example of her being insulting to me, which is why I never sought help in counseling for the quirks and traits that irritated her. However, after we separated, I went into a spiral of alcohol abuse that climaxed in me finally deciding to better myself in many aspects of life. Out of curiosity, I began watching videos on autism and related conditions and I was blown away by how much the stories of Autistic people resonated with me.
I am hesitant to self-diagnose, maybe because I am afraid of people not believing me. But here are some examples of traits and behaviors of my own that line up with traits on the spectrum, as far as I understand it. Again, this is all fairly new to me. Socially, I have always struggled, like I said. I remember in school kids would constantly ask me "why are you so quiet" and "why don't you ever talk". I never really had an answer. Just introverted, I assumed. Making friends wasn't terribly difficult in school, but most of these people were what could be described as the "outcast" stereotype. Even with these awesome friends I struggled to find things to talk about. Small talk in general, as well, has been an awful, awful chore that I have never fully grasped. I always find myself wondering "how do people just drum up conversation out of nowhere?" It doesn't take much for me to be absolutely overwhelmed in social situations, and I remember grade school and college being completely draining. I look back on a lot of those memories with nothing but grief.
As for other behaviors, I definitely self-stimulate. I work at a factory job that is largely sedentary. The entire time I am there my leg is bouncing, as I really enjoy the feeling of it. I also drum and tap my fingers and toes all day, regardless of where I am. When I listen to music my big toe taps eighth notes spastically. When I am agitated, especially away from home, I have noticed I twist the skin of my arms with my hands over and over.
As for burnouts and shutdowns, I have experienced that quite a bit. At family get-togethers and other events I almost always start feeling like I am shutting down and grow much quieter than I would be, say, in a one on one conversation, which I don't have a whole lot of trouble with. Staying at my in-laws was hell, to be honest. I was so uncomfortable the entire time and would begin "spiraling" and get even quieter the more I thought about how quiet I was being. I liked her parents, but I could barely muster the energy to say anything around them. I remember when I was dating my first girlfriend right out of high school. We went to a wedding and I became so stressed about not knowing what to say to her parents and brother during the reception that I had to leave the building. I left, went down to a nearby beach, and just started crying. When my girlfriend found me, I just kept repeating how much I hate myself.
For some more background, there were some signs that something wasn't neurotypical about me as a child. Apparently, when I was in elementary school, my mom received a call from one of my teachers about behaviors that seemed strange to her during a school assembly. I guess I was doing wave motions with my arms while I was sitting in the bleachers, which strikes me now as a form of stimming. My mom took me to my doctor, who basically asked if I did well in school and if I had friends. She answered yes and he basically said I could see a therapist of some sort, but he didn't believe it was an issue. I was vehemently opposed to seeing a "shrink" and the issue was dropped. Also, at an even younger age, I was in a sort of "friendship" class that occurred during lunch time, trying to teach introverted kids how to socialize.
I don't want to ramble too long, but those are some of the traits and behaviors I have. I guess I'm just trying to get someone's thoughts on this, because my family and best friend don't seem like they want to talk about this. My parents keep coming up with reasons why I couldn't be on the spectrum (holding down a job, having girlfriends, acting "normal" around them, etc). Also, the language of this community is entirely new to me so I apologize if I used any terms that people might find offensive. I'm learning.
Thanks everybody and cheers,
Erik
