Behavior and Communication Issues at Work as a Lead. Plus ADHD.

[Duckie]

I work in dog daycare, which has been great for teaching me things I can apply in other areas of my life. I've been there for two and a half years, and watching my managers interact with the customers, I've picked up a few things that help with social skills. It's not perfect—far from it, in fact—but most people, customers, coworkers, and managers alike, don't seem to mind too much that I'm "behind" in the verbal communication department, although I have been told I need to communicate. That's hard to do when it seems like words hit a wall when traveling from my brain to my mouth. They come out wrong, I don't know what to say or how to say it, or I start stuttering and stumbling over myself...you get the picture. Sometimes, I physically can't speak. I'm just realizing, or rather coming to terms that I have autism (I made that connection about ten years ago and rejected it), so I haven't told too many people. And the people I have told tell me that I seem like a normal person, which is hilarious, considering I need a translator to be understood sometimes.

When I first started working there, things were fine. I struggled to learn a few things, but the job was easy for the most part. We have a task sheet that tells us what to do, and I would just start at the top and work my way down. Because I work fast, I soon ran circles around everyone. But for reasons I cannot fathom, that set me up as a prime candidate to be a lead. I told my manager no several times until I was finally pushed into it because I was one of the "only" options left when another lead left. It's been a nightmare ever since.

I cannot figure out how to lead people, and there's no task sheet I can follow for being a lead. Now I have to manage people, make sure everything gets done, feed and medicate dogs while trying to pay attention to what everyone else is doing, make sure the dogs that need grooming or any other extra services get those services, run the front, talk to people, and make sure that all the other little things get done properly. I cannot multitask to save my life. It's difficult to think beyond the task I am doing at the moment. I get turned around easily, and everyone has to reel me back in. It takes forever to make decisions, and I often make the wrong decisions. My managers have to coach me on how to talk to people. It rather feels more like a team effort on everyone else's part to lead me.

I've been pulled into the office several times for mistakes and don't handle that well. I become an absolute emotional wreck, and if I don't fix this soon, I'm going to get written up. It's already been threatened twice. A write-up is not going to fix this. It's only going to exacerbate my anxiety. I don't want to leave the job because it's been the best job I've ever had, but I don't see any other option. I can't do it. The other two leads (One has only been a lead for a couple of months) have surpassed me, and I feel so damn inferior to everyone there, even the new people.

Today, I woke up to a rather harsh text from one of the other leads. She's boarding her dog, and at the end of the night, I have to go around and ensure all the dogs are accounted for, their kennels are locked, and collars are taken off if two or more dogs are boarding together. All kennels are supposed to have a cot, which isn't hard rule if one is missing, but her dog's kennel was missing a cot when she got there this morning, and she basically told me I neglected her dog and that we were going to have a problem and that she was taking it to the manager.

I tried so hard to tell myself that I at least ensured all the important stuff got done and that it was just a missing cot. I understand the cot's importance, but it shouldn't be the end of the world. For reasons I don't understand, it was for her. After trying to distract myself with white noise and playing with magnets at home, I lost my sh*t and started throwing the magnets around my room and screaming because if I get pulled into the office over a cot, I'll lose it. So, I texted my manager and told her I didn't want to be a lead anymore. She responded that she needed more context, but it took me about three hours to respond because I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I ended up sending her the text from the other lead, and she told me she already talked to her and everything was fine, but it's not fine. I use four different notebooks to keep different things separated: one for keeping track of things that need to be done, one for keeping track of issues with the dogs, one for all the corrective notes I receive from my managers, and one for documenting behavior and work performance issues my coworkers might be having (I rarely use the last one). Otherwise, it looks like I tried to make alphabet soup out of my notebook, and I can't follow it.

My manager keeps telling me things like, "I can do it," or, "If I can't believe in myself, believe in her." "Progress. Not Perfection." That sort of thing. I even carry this thing she gave me to trick myself into believing I will eventually learn to lead. I obsess over getting it right, and it's driving me nuts.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi Duckie,

that sounds so, so, SO stressful, even though working at a dog daycare seems like a dream (which you also think yourself). I'm really sorry. It sounds like you're been pushing yourself hard and made a lot of effort to "learn" to be a lead, but that you're unhappy in it and that it doesn't work out. On the other hand, from what you describe from your coworkers, it sounds like they might have staff shortage and not enough candidates for the lead positions, so you might be the best fit, in their eyes, even with all the extra help you need in it.

From what I can see, something has to change. Either you stay lead but not the way it's been until now. Or you can convince your manager to let you stop being lead.
Another option for right now could be to take a week or so of sick leave/unpaid leave/depending on where you live to calm down a bit, think things through and maybe also talk to a friend or a family member about it?

The thing you would have to decide is: Can you imagine a scenario where you're lead and feel better than now? That could be e.g. limiting your responsibility on only a select area of tasks and people instead of all of them. Or that you get to sit down at the beginning of the week with someone and make a task sheet for the week for yourself. Or that you share your tasks with another person, agreeing every day (or week) who does what.

Or, if you can't realistically imagine such a scenario, the only possible way might be to go back to being a normal member of staff instead of a lead, no matter what your manager wishes. They must have noticed the difficulties, and in their view they're probably thinking that they help you by pushing you. But they don't know the mayhem going inside your head.
Now, you wrote your manager a text message saying you want to step down as lead. She said that she needs more context, this is a comprehensible reaction. How about you take this weekend (or take a few days off), sit down with a piece of paper and sort your thoughts on why you don't want to be lead anymore, or what would need to change so you can stay lead? Then you can talk to your manager face to face about it and they might be more understanding. You could even ask someone you know to practise this talk with you beforehand.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Duckie

You might be able to deal with your situation, even turn it to your advantage in multiple ways (both work and social).

But it won't be easy, and for some ASDs (those who are innately too inclined towards "avoidance") it might be impossible.

You have a decision to make:
* Take the easy and least rewarding path, which is to revert to your previous status.
* Commit to the more difficult, but by far the most rewarding, path: put some effort into dealing effectively with your current situation.

I can help with the second.
But I'm only interesting in discussing methods and techniques - I won't try to persuade you to do anything..

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Duckie, I am often in charge at work. Busy respiratory care department at a large metropolitan hospital. A mentor once told me that good leaders work for the employees/team, not the other way around. Be the resource person, the mentor, the educator, the "how can I help you" person (and actually be able to help).

 

[jsilver256]

Are you able to set up a system of queueing tasks and make the others do the work? Like, if one of the other workers has a request, can you say "I will do it when I am finished, can you write it on the whiteboard so I don't forget?"

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Are you able to set up a system of queueing tasks and make the others do the work? Like, if one of the other workers has a request, can you say "I will do it when I am finished, can you write it on the whiteboard so I don't forget?"

We operate on a task list. At the beginning of the day, we create our task list and have it in front of us. THEN, you will have multiple distractions throughout the day. Sometimes, the distractions actually create your workday, but regardless, you know what you have to do.

The other part is knowing your priorities and knowing when to delegate when you have to be 2-3 places at once.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like you aren't made for the lead. No shame in that. i experienced some things like it. It's hard to tell a boss you can't step up. But I found being honest about limitations, and being firm about it, usually worked out. I used to say I'm a bit like a One-Trick-Pony. I can do one thing very well, but two things badly. It's about how my mind works and needs a narrow scope to focus on.

 

[Duckie]

@Duckie

You might be able to deal with your situation, even turn it to your advantage in multiple ways (both work and social).

But it won't be easy, and for some ASDs (those who are innately too inclined towards "avoidance") it might be impossible.

You have a decision to make:
* Take the easy and least rewarding path, which is to revert to your previous status.
* Commit to the more difficult, but by far the most rewarding, path: put some effort into dealing effectively with your current situation.

I can help with the second.
But I'm only interesting in discussing methods and techniques - I won't try to persuade you to do anything..

What methods and techniques are we talking about? I've tried to bring this subject up with my therapist, but I often go "blank" when I talk to people. The only example I could give her was (at the time, my most recent experience) when I misplaced some name cards I was putting on kennels after being pulled away. She said that was normal. What I said was lame, and I scrambled for other examples, but she was already moving forward with other issues. That was about ADHD. I'm terrified to tell her I think I'm ASD too.

 

[Duckie]

Hi Duckie,

that sounds so, so, SO stressful, even though working at a dog daycare seems like a dream (which you also think yourself). I'm really sorry. It sounds like you're been pushing yourself hard and made a lot of effort to "learn" to be a lead, but that you're unhappy in it and that it doesn't work out. On the other hand, from what you describe from your coworkers, it sounds like they might have staff shortage and not enough candidates for the lead positions, so you might be the best fit, in their eyes, even with all the extra help you need in it.

From what I can see, something has to change. Either you stay lead but not the way it's been until now. Or you can convince your manager to let you stop being lead.
Another option for right now could be to take a week or so of sick leave/unpaid leave/depending on where you live to calm down a bit, think things through and maybe also talk to a friend or a family member about it?

The thing you would have to decide is: Can you imagine a scenario where you're lead and feel better than now? That could be e.g. limiting your responsibility on only a select area of tasks and people instead of all of them. Or that you get to sit down at the beginning of the week with someone and make a task sheet for the week for yourself. Or that you share your tasks with another person, agreeing every day (or week) who does what.

Or, if you can't realistically imagine such a scenario, the only possible way might be to go back to being a normal member of staff instead of a lead, no matter what your manager wishes. They must have noticed the difficulties, and in their view they're probably thinking that they help you by pushing you. But they don't know the mayhem going inside your head.
Now, you wrote your manager a text message saying you want to step down as lead. She said that she needs more context, this is a comprehensible reaction. How about you take this weekend (or take a few days off), sit down with a piece of paper and sort your thoughts on why you don't want to be lead anymore, or what would need to change so you can stay lead? Then you can talk to your manager face to face about it and they might be more understanding. You could even ask someone you know to practise this talk with you beforehand.

The work is rewarding, and I always remind myself that I am lucky to have found this job and the people who work there. I also try to remember that I learned how to manage a yard of twenty-five dogs when I thought that was impossible, and now I often have the calmest yard of anyone there. If I can learn that, then I can get the hang of leading, right? But I know those are two different skills.

My manager made me some cards with some quick reminders on them, so I know she understands I need help on some level. I push myself hard at that job, and I'm apparently relentless, so I doubt I'll actually step down. So, that leaves one option--learning new techniques. I've appointed one of my coworkers as my backup--she has full permission, backed by management--to delegate in my absence or when I'm busy, but she only works AM shifts. I work AM and PM.

On the rare occasion that I work with the other two leads, I try to observe what they are doing that makes them so successful. I've picked up a few things, but nothing really game-changing.

I've been contemplating making my own "cheat sheet" and dividing it up according to when we do things--something that will help me stay on top of my own responsibilities. One great thing about working there is we are on a schedule, and certain things get done at certain times.

 

[Hypnalis]

What methods and techniques are we talking about? I've tried to bring this subject up with my therapist, but I often go "blank" when I talk to people. The only example I could give her was (at the time, my most recent experience) when I misplaced some name cards I was putting on kennels after being pulled away. She said that was normal. What I said was lame, and I scrambled for other examples, but she was already moving forward with other issues. That was about ADHD. I'm terrified to tell her I think I'm ASD too.

Some have been described by other people already, but I'd suggest starting from the top rather than from activity-centric methods.
This is based on an assumption though - you seem to be working in an environment that's not as well defined and document as e.g. a hospital (smart people, potentially lethal consequences for quite small errors) or a large chain of simpler operations. e.g. chain restaurants have everything well organized and documented so they don't need highly trained, highly capable staff.

There are a huge number of small- to intermediate-scale operations where things work ok, but the organization itself isn't well structured, and few things are well documented. They need at least one person who can see the big picture, and make sure everything gets done properly.

Some people aren't smart enough for that role. Some people aren't sufficiently conscientious. Some can't control other people. etc.

You're clearly in a grey zone for one or more of the necessary traits/skills. But someone thinks you can handle the job, or thinks you're the best of an imperfect pool of candidates, or something similar. You got the short straw anyway.

BTW - your therapist is almost certainly part of a small organization (perhaps just one person) , and clearly lacks even the most basic leadership skills. No doubt they're smart, but flipping your question back on you ("give me an example") wasn't nice.
That's an annoying technique you get from people who've been trained to deflect difficult interactions. e.g. PR and HR people do it all the time. Your therapist almost certainly did it deliberately. Watch for it in future. If it happens often ask me how to force them to stop it.
She should have said the obvious: "I don't have any skills or experience in this area - let me ask around and try to find someone who has".

So back to biz:

You need to understand what the organization you're leading does from an operational perspective.
You already know most, perhaps all of it, but this is like the difference between the painter and the expert art critic: they can both see the same things, but only one of them could have created it

Now you need to see the whole thing clearly enough to control it. But it is, by nature, too big to "handle everything in your head". If it wasn't, a leader would be needed.

So you need to map the necessary activities onto how it's done, and by whom. This is driven by a view of the operation you're probably not accustomed to: separating out necessary "operational" activities from "indirect" activities.

There's no simple rule for what fits into which category, and the categories can be "sliced and diced", so there isn't even a simple rule for them.
But it's easy enough to get started.

The first "framing" question is "What do we do that generates income?"

Note that this isn't the same as "what do we do that's essential to be able to generate income". If you have to do something, but you don't bill for it, it's on a different list.

Now, however, we're back to "do you want the result without doing the work, or do you want to do the work in order to achieve the result?".

I'll give you the framework and some direction, but I won't do any of the work, not even (in general) quality control.

So you need a to make a choice, and if it's a "go", to commit. And just for clarity, if you back off in the middle, I'll disengage - politely, but permanently.